Not pinning high hopes on it.

I really need to stop listening to love song, song about falling in love, being in love, falling out of love or being in love with someone who doesn't love you back.

Even though I am one of the four at the moment. I am coming to the point in my life where I need to accept that I will end up dying alone and need to accept that will be OK if I do.

Like if a man come into my life great, but I need to stop looking for love, because at this will be single for my whole life, like I know I will be letting two of my dreams go of getting married and starting a family.

The reason I am saying this is because I see people falling in love. Getting engaged and starting a life together. It hits me that their children are more likely to get married before I do. To be honest who would want a life with me. I know I wouldn't choice me.

It took a couple of days of crying at night to understand that nobody would want me. I know it is harsh, but isn't it better to face the truth that I going to die without the knowledge off being in a relationship, the knowledge off raising a family. Then to face it when I am old and alone.

So before you all talk I am doing myself a favor, but I am not saying that I won't keep my heart open for the chance of love, but I not pinning high hopes of finding the men where I can spend the rest of my life with.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Queen's award to Shiloh party preparation

Oh my. What am I going to do? I can't believe that am doing what I agreed to do. On the 4th October, I am going to Rotherham, to a celebration for the charity Shiloh. As they have been awarded the Queen's Award for Volunteer service. At this event me and a few other are going to preform a short monologue in which we have written ourselves.

The Monologue have to do with our experience of being homeless/vulnerable. I was only asked to do this today, so I have to write, learn and then preform in a space of two weeks. Like I know I can write something and preform it, if I had it in front of me. However to learn it, because it best to not to do it without prompts.

Like of course I am looking forward to do this, however I never preformed a monologue, in front of people. I always sang in a group. I always had other people with people, but to stand in front of people and preform on my own.

I know it be an amazing experience, I just worried that I am going to forget my lines are ramble my lines because I won't have people helping me.

I know deep down I can do it. I have a few people there to support me. I know there will be people cheering me on. Just wish me luck as this will be my first real job. (Getting paid with food and travel.)

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Zanny xx

Took their time

First off, i thought I should be sharing good news. I should be moving to my new place by Halloween. The place is ready for me to move into next Monday, but because there is some paper work in which my key worker and I have to do, plus packing. It going to take at least two weeks to send paper work off and hear back from people, then they have to give time to get things packed, and sorted, then sign off their service it going to take at least a month to sort everything out.

So after what seams like forever I finally moving out of the YWCA hostel. I should of moved out last month, but complication stopped it from happening. I am glade because I can experience a new start in a new area, plus I can make the new place a home, as I don't have to move out within a year.

As you guys know I've started to write a book. Well I invest in four books for inspiration when I am running out of ideas. For style, how they created tension try and see how they keep their reader hooked. The plus for me is that all the authors are female, and they are not huge names like Suzanne Collins and J.K Rowling.

I am not saying that this authors are not amazing, it more that they don't have much of a fan group, hense their work don't get so worked up. So when coming to read their work I  don't know what to expect so it be my honest opinion and that I won't get disappointed.

This is one of reason I will never read anything by James Patterson book. The reason why because he such a big name, and written so many books that it feels like where do you start and even when I tried to read one of his books I was bored. His writing style for me is pretty boring.

So the books I got are

1. Wicked lovely by Melissa Marr
2. The Cruel Prince by Holly Black
3. Grace and Fury by Tracy Banghart
4. A promise of Fire by Amanda Bouchet.

That what I got. I honestly can't wait to check them out.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

I didn't expect to be back typing my blog. People was right I do love it. I know that this is the only place where I can be myself without people judging who I am. Somewhere where I could express my feeling with the on going feet that I am being judge from someone.

Today I went to the morning service of church. I walked there, which is a huge step for me, as it the first time I walked to Church at the same time when I was getting sexual assaulted last month. I was really scared, I felt like passing out a couple of times. A couple of times people approach me from behind and scared me. I know they meant it as friendly gesture. I just was just more jumpy.

The thing I can't get counseling due to it make go to court and they want a true account of how it affected my life. Surly needed to go to counseling prove that my life is unstable and need some help getting my life on track.

The Sheffield sexual assault and rape center said that I am on their waiting list but it take up to six weeks to here something. Hopefully I hear something within the next two or three then.

I been watching a couple of things on Netflixs as well. Like Shadow hunters, and the old series of Call the Midwife's witch I love.

Update on book I am writing, I have written 1257 words. Within the past two days which is more then I thought I would of wrote in space of two days and I still write more. There 5 characters so far that we was introduced to. I need to introduced the bad person but it still early days.

Anyway goodnight

Love you

Zanny

Update

I thought I will let everybody know how I am doing. I'm doing ok. I been treating myself of lately.. I been super stress of late, because I been told ten different things about housing situation.

The couple of weeks I brought myself couple new outfits, a F.R.I.E.N.D.S  throw which I love, and a night out to the theatre to see Still Alice which was amazing. Made me emotional. It about a women in her 50's who have a great life. Loving family, great job. But she now got young onset Demeter. It a story about Alice and her family handles it. Seeing herself, his wife, their mum struggling to be herself.

I got myself a laptop, because I trying to write a book. I going to try and write at least 250+ words a day.  I want to try and get something started, and try and finish something. Something that I am proud of, something that I want to considered publishing in the future.

I got my tickets down to London in December, as I am going down there for a couple of days for my birthday, and I wanted to do something I can remember of a great birthday. A birthday where I wasn't alone, or it was ruined. Something to finally say I had a great birthday. Instead of saying it alright when it wasn't.

Anyway got go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Thoughts

Happy Tuesday day everybody. I honestly I don't know why I keep on writing. There not much to write about. I'm alive and I am well. Well physically anyway, mentally is doesn't matter anymore, because I realize the only people in the care about my mental health is myself.

I honestly thought people care. Yes people care, bit when it comes to my mental health. They act like they don't know who I am. Like I am invisible, unimportant.

I need to stop trying to make friends, as nobody want to be love this thing that writing the blog. I don't know why I am trying to explain why I am reading I doubt anybody truly read this.

Why people always lie and say I can write? That I am amazing? Why can't they tell the truth anymore? Saying that I can achieve amazing things.

If you do get this far, you all probably thinking why I am saying all this, and that I am wrong. People always say these things. I am 22 years old and I have no plans, no future, no life worth living. I live in a city where I don't know who my friends are. Like true friends are, and not ones that they are my friend because I go to the same church as them, or do the same activity as them.

I can't say one name where I know if I ring them up they will answer. No friend who will nip round for a coffee, no friend who want to go for a random cinema trip. Nobody who randomly send me a text because they want to send me a random joke. I am alone.

Zanny

What to talk about?

It feel nice to feel so nice to be posting at a more steady pass now. I know for a couple of months my posting balance have been all over the place. I been struggling, and i am sorry. Thank you to all who stuck by me these past couple of months.

Yesterday marked a month since I was sexually abused. There been no updates on the situation. Each day I am scared, like even right now I am crying through the pain because I am scared to go outside. I want to be able to go pass the  drive without wanting to turn back.

Anyway in a couple of weeks Crisis skylight session will be up and running. So back to session, and now I am taking a back seat at Painted fabrics and going to help back stage for personal reason. I will be able to go back to doing Stained glass Art.

I missed doing stained glass. I loved seeing something grow and being able to complete something. Even though I haven't hung anything up. I want to make something that I can proudly put up on the wall of my new place. When ever that going to be. So I really start thinking of design I can do.

I though as I haven't answered questions for a while I might answer a few.

1. Would you enjoy a vacation away from your technology? Yes. I would love a hoildays from my technology. I would love to go to a African country for a month. I might want to visit one I haven't been and I will make plans before I go of what I'm doing. Take a couple of books before bed, a camera, a notepad and a couple of friends. I probably will go somewhere like the Republic of Côte d'lvoire. It is also known as the Ivory Coast.
2. If you lived in a tribal society what role would you play? I would be the tribe crazy lady. Joking. But it would make sense. 
3. What skill or craft would you like to master? Singing, acting, script writing and stained glass art.
4. What subculture you wish to know more about? Punk, Neo-Victorian, cosplay to name a few.
5. Who or what inspire you to become a better person?

• Tom MacRae and Dannie Pye. They supported me writing every single day. They are amazing people who are have been more helpful then they dare to believe. They inspire me because they are so lovely, Tom is an amazing writer and Dannie is an amazing Actor. They both have a heart of gold. I truly don't deserve them in my life.
• Jess Smith- Jess is so funny, she can have fun and yet she is really hard working and willing to help her friends out. She make sure she have at least 5 minutes for her friends.
• Margaret Campbell. She a strong independent women who just golden. Love her so much. She single handed raised a growing boy by herself and she did everything she can to see him happy.

Anyway I got to go. 

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

This little butterfly

I'm screaming
For the help
Yet no one is there
No one there to hear.
The knife in which is left
Is cutting deeper
Day by day
No wound to see
But pools of blood surrounds me.
Drowning me with every breath.
Not a hand in sight to pull m out.
Where has the light gone.
Everything I see is now black.
Not a speck of white in sight.
Not an Angle around to protect
This little butterfly
In the midst of the night.
No unicorns
In the deepest of woods.
This little butterfly
Is stuck in the midst
Of a fire
With no way out.
_________________________________________

It been a while since I wrote a poem I know, but I thought why not just start typing and seeing where it goes. I missed writing Poems but I just didn't have any muse for them. There was a couple of days I missed posting due to not having anything interesting to write about, and had no muse for poems.

Poems won't be posted often or on a certain date. I just having a hard time being creative at the moment but I am setting tesk to get it back.  You will hopefully see soon what I mean.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Just random talking

Hi everybody. I thought that today I won't be talking about social anxiety. As it such a big issue in today society that I need to be mentally ready to go public about it. As today people are so hard on people and there are people who will take it out on me for having social anxiety and Depression and I feel like I need to be in a stable mind frame, to be able to stand against them.

Now I was out with a friend this afternoon and we went to the crucible cafe. We had a lovely chat. Then we went to sit in the Peace garden to sit and people watch. We had fun, talking about how you can create characters based on people you watch. To how children are so brave, they are not scared to try new things and not scared to ask question.

Then we talked about weddings as there was a group of people who we believed just been to a wedding, all because they all love very lovely. Had amazing suites on, beautiful day dresses on.

 Now the last wedding I been to was my mum and step dad (David)  wedding about 6 years ago. Now it not like I been declining wedding invitation. I just haven't been invented to any. Now this isn't a plea to send me a invitation. It got me thinking, who are my closest friends. The ones who would love to see me at their wedding. Then again who I know will come to mine. (Nobody love me enough to even date me. So nobody would marry me.)

The answer is I am not close to anybody in a sense I would invite to wedding. Now here the reason, I don't think anybody would want to come. Also I feel like nobody want me at their big day.  I have friends, but I can't help but feel like nobody want to get close to me then I see you next Sunday at church sort of friends. So there not anybody I feel I have to have at my wedding cause I not close to, or feel like they really care for me.

Anyway goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

Longest post ever. (For me it is)

Hi everybody. Now I hope you are all well? I know it been a while since I posted a god soild post on here and I am really sorry about. There been a lot on my mind these past couple of month especially this month. It been hard for to to find connection with people this summer due to my social anxiety, but that for another post. Which I might talk about it more tomorrow, because I never really talked about my social anxiety just my depression. Anyway back to my blog.

I know this is late but I can't believe that I been writing a blog for over a year. It was a shock when on my Facebook memories that it been a year since I started writing my blogs. Now it been a rocky journey, and been thinking of quitting on several occasions, due to stress, self esteem and not knowing what to write.

However I kept on writing and even though I still struggle. Like I struggled with my self-esteem, thinking my blogs are the worst and that I should give up, my stress level are high due to not knowing when I am moving. Then writers block. It wasn't till I started writing, to know what I going to talk about. I made notes before hand to keep me on track.

The highlight of writing the blogs are that when I have a bad day or a good day with my mental health. I have something to look forward. It something when I have a bad day it makes me get out and do something, or even research something to talk about.

It helped people understand who I am as a person and help me understand who I am. I know that journey is still ongoing, but due to this blog, it made me understand that I am brave, strong, caring, loyal and a fighter.

Enough of my blog. I can't believe that we near the end of August. How can this be possible? That means summer is over. Boo. It been a good summer in terms of, it been the best summer I ever had. I been to the Everybody Talking about Jamie Live Screening here in Sheffield. Where I had a lovely hug from Margaret and Jamie Campbell. Jamie's story is the inspiration of the west end hit.

I also went to my first Pride. It was amazing, I had so much fun with another Newbie fan and the Jamie gang. It was lovely to spend hours with Jamie, Margaret, Blake and Jonathan Butterell and having a ball. We just dance, got shocked, typical, and had loads of laughs with everybody.

Finally what I am looking forward the next couple of months. Well first off I looking forward to the colder months. It been too hot for me. I'm not made for the hotter weather. It has been nice but I want it when I go on hoildays not 24/7.

 With the colour changing to reds, yellow, orange and browns, it like one of my favorite sessions. Autumn is just a beautiful session for me. It just fills me up with joy. I love the sounds of the leafs under my shoe's. It relaxing for me.

Also October 2nd I going to the Press night of Midsummer Night Dream at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield. Now this play I've been obsessed with since I was like 10/11 years old. I fall in love in love with it when we had to do it at my school, at my year 6 end of school play. Now the music been composed by none other then Dan Gillespie Sells. Who I was introduced to about the same age when an amateur theatre production company, preformed the feeling hit song, never been lonely in a production of Cinderella at my primary school theatre. So it like a win, win for me.

Anyway I been going on for a while now.

So goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Christopher Robin and wish list

Hi all. So today been a good day, went to the cinema and watched the Christopher Robin film, starring Ewan McGregor. Now I am not embressed to say I went alone.

The reason I say that is because I loved Winnie the Pooh when I was little. I just loved Winnie, Tigger, piglet, rabbit, Kanga, Roo and Eeyore. As well as Christopher Robin. That was my childhood.

On top of that I love Ewan McGregor from about 6 years old watching Moulin Rouge. I know it a 12, but my mum didn't want to hide things of the world to me. So I grown up watching that movie and falling in love with Ewan McGregor.

So to see Winnie and Ewan on the big screen. I just couldn't be happier.

Anyway these past couple of days I've been on Amazon and been sorting my Borthday/Christmas wish list. It pretty much done, but I will be always be adding onto it an changing it. But for now it is done and have a good selection of stuff on it. Like I won't mind anything that not on the list, if the person buying it thinks I will like it of course, or if there a meaning behind it.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Yesterday I had fun, I went to church and was on the board cast team. It was a good service, being round my friends, and doing what I love.

Afterwards I went home and chilled and watched the new baywatch movie with Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron. Very cheesy, but I love cheesy movie.

Today been à really relaxed day, due to it being a bank hoildays. So I been sitting in my room doing nothing. So yeah it been pretty boring. I been listening to music , dancing and singing along. As it always cheers me up.

Anyway last night I thought of a dream that I can scarpbook. Visit New York. Now at the moment I know it not realistic, but in like 15/20 years maybe. There a reason, when I went to Groby community college, I was in the house New York, New York. When I started, the number one hit in the UK was Empire state of Mind. Second I always wanted to see a broad way show. The last reason, there a café in New York somewhere called Zanny's café and bi just want to visit it because we share the same name.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Scap book

So these past two days I mainly been sleeping. Only because I mainly been living off 4 or 5 hours sleep due to stress levels. So I been trying to forces on getting sleep due to me being at Church tomorrow, and I want to be refresh as I possible can, without the need of caffeine.

Today is the 2nd day of the 30 day track book. This is a tiny booklet, which was handed out at the goals course. One section which we told we were to do was the 30 day challenge. Well today is the second day.

On the second day we was meant to buy a scrapbook. I don't have the money for a scrapbook, but there coloured paper, scissors and ribbons around the building. Like it not me, it doesn't make me want to look at it. Yet it going to be filled with things to do with goals in life. What have I do. My goals is to give up on goals, that one of them. Like I don't have a printer, don't have access to a printer. They kept on saying newspaper and magazines. If I Santo read the news I read online. Pictures I can't print off.

So yeah that my day.

Zanny xx

Hi

So today was the last Goals Session, so a total of 18 hours sitting in one room over three days talking about self-esteem and setting goals and how to reach them.

For me at the moment I have such low esteem, I am scared of setting goals, to the point I can't set them due to believing that I can't achieve anything, and thinking I will get hurt.

They talk about ideal life. That we should visual what our ideal life is. Like what you ideal job, ideal house, ideal relationship, ideal financial situation. Things like that. I can't see anything, I don't know what I want to do. Load of people always saying I can't do that because I am dumb, or that I am unable to and that I will get hurt from disappointment.

I know I have to have something to strife for, but I know I will get hurt in so many ways, and I don't want to get hurt. As I been hurting my whole life. That if I get hurt one more time I won't be able to stand up again. That would be it with life for me. I am so broken on the inside it really scaring. I been, and still am going though things that nobody should go through. Yet I have, and I feel like nobody care for me.

They always say it's in the past, try and get consoling. Go on a walk, get a job. I wish it was that easy. Like what if I get consoling, walking there and back and have a full time job. Maybe instead of feeling better I get more sad, angry. What if the job is stressing me out, and that don't matter how much I work I have no social life.

I would love a job, but I feel like I going to aim to high and set myself for getting hurt. Due to this I getting me two crisis skylight Coach. One is like a progression couch they will help me see what steps I need to take to reach my goals and help me realise what my goals are in the first place and the second one is more the practical. How can we do these? They will follow me on the journey.

Anyway got to go

Zanny xx

Goals and Pies

So today was the first Goals course session. I didn't know what to expect, what it was about, or why it would benefit me. The only thing I was told, was that it over the next three days, the place and time, who it was run by and that it would be beneficial. So I thought I go open minded and see what it about.

So I went, and today we talked about, what is being successful in life, and what it can bring. This cover, love, high self-esteem, friendship, family to what media idea of success. This include, parties, popularity, premiere, nice cars, nice house, fashion. We was reminded that these would be nice, the self-esteem, friends and family are the most important.

Self-esteem was mentioned a lot today and talked about how you can do it. The course tutors said we know how to get but now what shopping us from achieving the self-esteem that we deserve. What stopping us from being successful. We didn't leave a white bit in sight we coved it. Most of it was like we can't afford it, don't know how, to like Dyslexia, to feeling like a failure, fat, feeling like other people who better then one self. All of which I did put.

They asked all of us say what the ideal job. I should say I wanted to work in film industry and not be scared to say it in the front of the group. I got laughed last time I said it in a group. I told staff when it was a brack that I wanted to work on film industry, but it hard because I am not a runner, and I don't have contact in the industry. They say just said you need qualification, I told I got a level 3 in Media Production.

Than after self-esteem was done we talked about responsibility, and that we are responsible for own action. Which is common sense really. They say it OK to ask for help along your journey to happiness, and towards you goals, just as long as they don't do all the work.

Today I made a pie from fresh for dinner, which was fun and interesting. I always been scared of making a pie. However the staff was doing a cook and eat session, I thought I might as well try. We did have a choice of Pizza, Pie or Lasagne. I picked pie, because I made Pizza from Fresh last wensday and we making Lasagne tomorrow so Pie was the only option.

Here the result.

I was super happy with the result.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

people

Hi everybody. So today I started writing a Birthday and Christmas wish list. I know !y birthday and Christmas isn't to December, I thought if I did my wish list soon even though it isn't finish, at least when it come closer to the time I don't have to think on the spot when people ask me what I want for it.

Around December I will be apart of Crisis skylight Christmas Concert. Now singers, Musicians, fans of musics, they still love some song suggestions, it doesn't have to be Christmas songs, it have to be inspirational, also songs that we can easily get backing tracks or music sheet let me know. Also if you play like piano (Somebody I know.) If you free we would love you to be apart, they won't be able to pay you money as it is a charity, but it be very grateful. It be looking to be around 13th December, I have to confirm but I think it is.

Tomorrow I start doing this course though Crisis skylight, it called Goals. Like it about finding out want you want in life and how to get there. Like I know I want to work in film industry, I know how to get there. It just problems at the moment. I think it about other things apart from jobs.

I want to say, just because somebody done something for you, doesn't mean I have to do it for you. I not going to text a random guy number who I NEVER MAT BEFORE just to tell him to ring them. Like come on I don't know this person. I'm not putting myself in danger cause of you. Also just because somebody doesn't mind calling somebody, something, doesn't mean I won't mind. I keep on telling my name what I like to be called and I want to be called that and only that.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Power of writing

For most of the day o tried to thing to write about something to cheer me up. Like most of the time writing things day allow to express my feeling where the spoken word have failed me.

The past 2 weeks the power of writing though other means and singing have helped me more then police can mentally. As writing and singing help me to forget my trouble through art. I know I am not perfect, beautiful or smart, and I face the fact.

But I know I am strong, I am a fighter, I know I am knockout but I will stand up again. It just going to take son time till I will be able to stand on my own two feet on my own.

I can be strong and I will fight for what I believe in and that people doesn't matter what they look like, where they are from, how they talk, gender, sexual orientation, or skin colour, we all living on th planet and we should be able to share it.  We all different and we need to face it.

People think cause the way I look, I'm stupid, that I am going to take longer to understand simplest of things. I was reading thick encyclopedia which was a hafty book when I was 9 or 10 years old. I knew Roman numeral from a young age, as well as a lot of Greek and roman Gods. It something I really enjoyed and still enjoy. But people forget that because of my face.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight

Hi

I am totally dreading tomorrow and walking to Church tomorrow. As it's going to be 2 weeks tomorrow since what happened. To know the man is released, even if he under investigation, doesn't mean I am safe. What he done to me, it just not fair how people like him are allowed to walk around. He sexual harassed me.

Like I didn't feel insecure about myself as it. They are classing as sexual assault, and yet I feel like the police are not caring. I know they have to get evidence but there isn't much evidence apart from my word and the staff at the Hilton hotel health Club. If they will give their words when he followed me inside.

But the thing is doesn't matter how much evidence they get because they can't really collect and store how the crime affect me mentally. Like since the events I haven't seen any police. To see how I'm doing.

I am trying to go outside, but it doesn't help the amount of times I hate being outside. I feel like everybody judge me. Like I can't go one day without the fear of seeing his face. I know it highly unlikely that I will see him again, but the amount of times I seen people I know in town. There still a chance.

I am still fighting, to be myself, without jumping everybody touch me on my back or on the shoulder. I know it stupid, in the way I am thinking, he can't touch me, he can't come near me. I just can't control it and that what annoying me. That I have no life, like I am living in fear. But I don't want to.

I feel like I am facing this alone.

Anyway got to go

Zanny xx

Omgosh

Sorry for the long wait between this post and the last. Something happened on Sunday 5th while walking to Church at 8:30am. All I can say just because it is light and in the morning, walking down a main road doesn't mean your safe. You don't know who also walking around.

I hate that we live in 2018 and yet people can do what ever they want to just because they are a man. I know what happened to can happen to men as well but it doesn't happen as much. I won't go into detail what happened the most important people know. Like police, staff where I live at and couple of close friends and family know.

Know knowing that he been released under investigation. Makes!me worried as apart from friends looking out for me. I have no form of protection. I know it highly unlikely that I will see him again, and that he probably won't remember. The memory there for me. The fear still there. Not knowing if he pops round the corner any moment.

I know this isn't the most uplifting blog out there or any good but I just need to release my feeling. He made my feel like I am worthless, trash. That I am not meant for this planet. He made me feel so week and scared. I was shaken all day. I feel like I am going to be sick through shock. I just want this to end.

Amazing day

Wow what a day had so much fun. Today was the day of the Newbie meet up. Which I stayed to 1:55pm as I was meeting couple of friends to go bowling. I wished I could stayed longer because it was great to see everybody.

Then me and 3 of my friends, Jess, Dom and Josh who I all know from Hope City Church went to Hollywood bowls where we spent about fours hours there. We played two games of bowling. I won the first game then came 2nd in the 2nd game. Had a meal, which I had a LA Burger. Which was lovely, then we had couple of goes in arcade games and couple of fun pictures in a photo booth.

Then we left Hollywood bowls at 6:20ish to go to a Charity event for the last hour. It a charity called Gambling for life, and this was set up for people that is feeling suicidal through the trouble with Gambling. It is sad that people get in that situation with gambling or any other addiction where they feel like the only way they can stop or get out of it is through ending their life. This is what this charity was for.

I got home about 8:45pm and I been out since 11:30am it was a fun filled day surrounded by amazing people who when I hang out with just make me laugh. I couldn't stop smiling all day. Thank all who made my day amazing.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Jambo

I know I haven't been posting every single day, the main reason. I don't want to bore you with posting the same thing every time. I rather have one single post once in a while, then several post terrible post every single day. If I do post like one after another then I will do of if I feel what I did on that day is worth posting. The other reason if I feel like what I need to say is not worth the wait. That the only.

First of I am sorry if i mix up some words or say some odd things. Past week I been mixing up my words, can't think words or just been stumbling over the most simplest of words.

First of if you a Everybody Talking about Jamie Fan (Newbie) on Saturday there is a meet up at the Crucible Corner on Saturday at 1pm follow by going to the showroom to see a screening of the show at 4pm if you want to go to the screen you have to book your own cinema ticket's. It a great chance to meet up with other Newbies and have a lovely time.

Next Thursday to Sunday I will be going down to Leicester to see couple of my friends from my home city and going to my home Church as well. Which I just can't wait because with the move and my current move, it a much needed rest from all the stress. So it be lovely to see everybody down in Leicester.

Anyway I went to see Mamma Mia: Here we go again on Tuesday, and omg. I just loved every second, I know the storyline wasn't clear, but it was there, and the singing was patchy and the acting questionable, that why I love it, because it not great. I went because of the feel good factor and the laugh which it brought. Plus the young Bill, Sam and Harry, what more can I say....

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Who you wasn't to be

Hi everybody. Sorry for the wait for this post. I just needed some much needed time to think without worrying about what I should write for that night blog post. I know I shouldn't think about and just write from the heart. But that the problem, my heart want to tell you guys how I really feel but at the same time my heart want to be liked. I know I won't be able to be liked by everybody on the world. Like I know not that many people read my blog. So that out of the question.

Anyway in the time after over thinking about that I should give up, on trying to get everybody to like me. As in the end I won't be try to myself.

Also I just needed more time to think about who me in. I know I been thinking about it lately, but to be honest you are always learning new things about yourself, all the time. I just didn't really had a chance before this year because I was always trying to impress others. Now I am tired on doing that. The only person I should impress is myself, my inspiration should be a better me.

Anyway I went to my first Pride on Saturday here in Sheffield, I had a blast, while hanging out with Jamie Campbell, his Beautiful mum Margaret, his lovely boyfriend Blake. Talked to the director of my favorite musical Everybody Talking about Jamie Jonathan Butterell. Had such an amazing time.

Even though I should of been resting my foot and shouldn't of been standing up my right foot as much as I did. As last Thursday I had to go to the walk in center. They said I had something called plants Faliciliisit (I probably misspelled it.) It to do with having a low arch, having a problem walking, being flat footed, walking to much or/and standing for to long. Which I all have, so yeah standing doing the YMCA isn't the best idea with that.

But I wouldn't let the pain ruin my day, I stood up and fight the pain. As I want to say that don't matter who you are you should love who ever you please, boy, girl, an object or nothing at all. As people shouldn't be scared to be who they are.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Songs of the seven hills

Sorry for no post last night. I had another early morning. Yesterday I sang again for crisis skylight member celebration, but in Doncaster, so I had to get a train up to Doncaster, in time to warm my voice up and have a run through of the songs. It was a good celebration.

Afterwards I got the train back to Sheffield, and killed time in town. Had dinner and had a look round shops, mainly window shopping. As I didn't have time to go home. Before I went to the crucible theatre for a show.

I went to see a brand new show called Songs of the Seven Hills, best on stories based on the life of people living in Sheffield. These are based on really life stories, and wow, just wow. These story are just empowering. As the main characters thought they didn't have a voice because they had people saying. No. However they learnt not to take no for a answer. All the cast was amazing, none of them are trained Actors or singers, they just members of the Sheffield people theatres.

One of the characters called Georgina. They sang a song about how they view a body as a home, and that people should be allowed to do what they want to do to feel comfy in it. For them it changing their body from male to female. Even if that means loosing her family. The lyrics hit me, the whole people shouldn't tell you how to look, or that you need to stop moaning, cause at the and of the day you have to live in your body for you whole life and you should be comfortable in it.

Me and a group of friends went to see it to support our friend who plays a mean councillor, who married to a vicar. He was amazing. We all cheered for him when he greater us at the bar as it was Press night we all celebrated with a drink but at 11 I went home and chilled out for a bit before going to bed.

I was so happy that I had a chance to just sleep without worrying about getting up early because I slept for England, I probably slept for the whole of the UK. Still tried, but if I didn't get up I wouldn't sleep tonight so it a loose, loose situation. Then again I don't have to get up early tomorrow either. So yeah.

Anyway I wish see you all soon.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Explaining myself

I first off want to say sorry for the lack post lately. I am trying, but my mental health have dipped these past couple of day including today. Even though I been busy.

What happen? Why are you so low? To be honest. That depression. I have no idea why I am low. It doesn't help that I feel so lonely in the hostel. Even though there people in, there never hang out with me. The amount of people in the place I always hearing out in each other room, but with me it is: "Hi, How are you? I am good thank you. See you around." Never anything more.

With my friends they always busy with work or hanging out with other friends, so stuck at home in my room listening to music. Which is a good thing. As it stop me from being an idiot and listening to my brain to do more then self harming. Even though WiFi rubbish here, and you can never know when the next power cut is. So listening to my only CD which is the concept album of Everybody Talking about Jamie.

Anyway today, I sang in front of people at the Crisis skylight members Celebration. I felt like I was going to be sick and pass out. I couldn't believe I did that. I probably sang in front of 50+ people. I have to do this  again in Doncaster. So yeah I managed to not pass out singing in public.

I wish you guys know how i feeling, but I don't know if you will understand how I feeling. I feel like if I try to tell you I will get a lot of question or that "I shouldn't do that." Like deep down somewhere I know, with the question I don't know the answer to he question. I just feel the why I feel. Like I want to get better. I trying to get better, but it getting to the part where I don't know what else.

One day I know things will get better. So here five goals/wishes I want to achieve.

1. Go and see a boardway show
2. Go to Orlando
3. Get a job
4. Write a book
5. To preform in the shows I am long to be in.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you 

Zanny xx

Mental health

Where should I start today. There been a lot of talk about mental health today, on all forms of media from social media to the radio. Now I am somebody who is working on my mental health.

I can say it is hard to go through day basis fighting depression and anxiety. It been something I been going through, one form or another my life, but been going through depression for the past 6/7 years and Anxiety for the past 3 years.

Well there are people out there who trying to help me I haven't found anything that can get rid of them. I personally found things that helped me coped. That all I can do is to learn to cope.

However the things that help. See what I am learning to expect that I hear voices. Three voices, two male and one female, they also visit me sometimes, and it always the same faces and voices. See it not people or voices I know. I know it not normal. I just can't get rid of them. Like they even have names and I know each one by name. They been with me for 2 years now.

I was getting counseling, but that ended but it didn't help one bit, it was a total waste of time. I was getting angry I was passing outnat home due to stress caused by the counseling. I was getting angry to the point where I wanted to punch somebody. I just couldn't cope. People say carry on as it maybe because I am talking about things that I haven't really talked about. But this was going on for 4 months. It jut wasn't normal.

Anyway got to go

Zanny xx

Hi

Today I went to a Crisis skylight session where we talk about the Christmas show. In which we Crisis hopefully going to put on this Christmas. If they want to put not on this year. Then they need to start considering open the theatre things to the public or at least be a bit more relaxed about who going to be in it.

As they want to put on A Christmas Carol, and on a good day there three members who shows up, me and two other, like they talked a bit of roles so at least the people o mainly come will have roles but there to many roles for all of us to play.

That was for 7 hours straight there, it was a hour and half walk there and back so my foot is killing me. I really need to get my foot checked out, but my doctors never answer the phones so I have to deal with the foot pain till I don't know when.

Since I came home I mainly be resting. Tree isn't much to do.

Anyway housing situation update, there be ready for me to move within the next 6 weeks. I will be finally out of Pitsmoor. I just want to get out of the area. I don't want to get out of the place I am in because I have made lovely friends but I know I can't stay here forever.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx
















P.S England not coming home 😁😁😁😁😁😇

Fimo and stained glass

So today I did Fimo and finished my stained glass today because I missed stained glass so much that last week I started a piece and I just had to finish my stained glass.

 Sorry about picture quality because two light ball have gone and the lights are not that bright anyway.

For fimo I for back my tree and I created a Rose, which I am super happy with the result.

For the petals and leaves each one personal made by me. Each one is very different. Which is really cool I didn't want something that look perfect. I just want something that stand out that not perfect because I am not perfect. For the Rose, something that typically beautiful, is odd because I am beautiful inside but I not what everybody want me to be and and I want that. I don't want to be the same.

Anyway I got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Today I been feeling very faint still and my right foot is bruised up. I feel like I been a right failure with my life at the moment. Like I should know, but as they are so many things that I want to do that I can't pin part what I can do. Or there so many things that I don't know what to do or where to start.

Today I been resting pretty much all day, I started to read a book that a friend Luke lent me to read called The Little written by Gladys Aylward. It a is a Christian book about putting faith in God, and trusting that if it a word of God that things will work out.

It interesting that there talk about doing missionary in a country that the person don't know anything about it, and unsafe. Due to me wanting to go the country Chad. Which recant war ended in 2010 where it lasted 5 years it was the Chadian civil war. It lasted for 4 years and 4 weeks. Death of Civilians was small compared to other civil war in sense there was 7000 killed and there was 200000 refugees. This was due to some rebellion, and there still some going on, but been wanting to go since I was 15.

Now I have been listening to music and I am listening to Fabulous, Baby from Sister Act the musical, which I so want to see because the songs I have heard on Spotify seams epic. Plus I love the movie.  It such a classic.

Anyway I got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Live screening of Everybody Talking about Jamie

Just wow. Last night I went to Cineworld in Sheffield, to see the live screening of Everybody Talking about Jamie. What an experience. I never been to a live screening before, so to have a chance to see my favorite musical on the big screen. I just couldn't stop smiling. I just knew that ETAJ was made to be on the big screen. Plus it was a lovely bonus to see the inspiration behind the show Jamie Campbell and his mum Margaret. Had a picture with them.

 

I just need the film which is like another 2 years. As I probably won't get cast as an extra. I don't know why but yeah.

Today I been watching three films. I watched Grease, chitty chitty bang bang and the greatest showman. All amazing films. I just love them.  Well Greatest showman mainly because it gut Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron in, and I love them.

Apart from that, it getting stressful, I haven't been eating that much today because I have been stressing out. I had a sandwich, a Mars bar, and some coconuts mountain which are like 5p in size, and that it today.  Like I been sitting in the backseat in the whole housing situation which I told my key worker, who I don't know why been taking a lot of control over it, because I don't know what happening because I'm not the one emailing or getting the email that I'm stressing but she haven't offered anything so I don't know what happening, and this place is why I can live for how long I want.

But they don't understand.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Art and craft day.

Struggle to sleep last night due to being to hot. It was unbearable. But still managed to get up at 10:15 but I think because I kept on waking up. So it not what time I wanted to wake up at but it had to do.

So I went to say hello to stained glass starting to created a piece. It not like a super complex shape, well it is if I had to cut it out all by hand, but all the shape are scrap glass. So that easier for me, it was so nice to go back to it even for a bit because I did miss doing it. I was informed that the tea design I did was used by another group. Which is nice that people using my design to create there own work.

Then I did some more Fimo where I did a snail, a tree and a fridge magnet.  I got my person that I made back, which I just love.

Today was meant to be another open mic night, where I was going to do a stand up comedy piece, bit end up being cancelled due to nobody showing up cause of football. Like first of Crisis skylight worked hard to help people who are facing homelessness, to help them get back into work and in there own place, but they need donations to keep going that why they do these open mic night. Before anybody says that they shouldn't of done it on a night of a big England game. They booked in February before they knew when they line up are know, and we didn't expect England to doing so well.  So like I was really want to try and build my confidence up, so these open mic night help me. So it kind of ruin my confidence a bit. As now I don't know if the people who said they liked what I wrote, just saying to be nice or what. So yeah.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

am back

Hello i am back after a much needed break from writing the blog. Like I love writing the blog but at the moment my blogs are coming out like it the same every single day, and I don't that. There never me going in town to meet this friend on this day and we did this because never really get asked to meet up for coffee that often. Or a random trip down to the cinema, or brought a new book. Most of the books I read I read from the library.

What have I done over the past week though. I went to do painted fabrics rehearsal. They going great got a layout of the show finally. Which I think is really needed. As we need to know what happening, what parts we got and then what parts we still need. We having a little break due to needing to type up scenes that we created but haven't had time to do it and we are back this Saturday.

Wensday I had to go down food bank as I had nothing in and I needed food, it not something I wanted to do. But I had nothing, no food, no money till tonight. It was heartbreaking to do. The staff made at the hostel made me feel so bad for needing to go food bank. There was like why all my money gone? Why didn't I plan, we did a budgeting booklet. Like I don't know and I did plan but the plan backfired, and no we didn't do a budgeting booklet. We did a home booklet and a cooking booklet which where no good because they taught me nothing. Like I still don't know how to save my life.

Thursday I just chilled

Friday, well meant to have a meeting at 2pm at the hostel for my social care package, with who going to be my new landlord, who don't work Friday and the female who did the social care package assessment. Now the person who did the assessment she re arranged it because she was an hour late last Friday, and the first person thought it was at her office. So my going to be landlord said she do it even though she don't work Friday. She showed up on time but the person who rearranged it and was an hour late last time, never showed up. So I was trying after the landlord left trying to not pass out from stress.

Saturday chilled

Sunday was on Wiztots and it was eventful, picture about 20 people about 15 kids aged 1-3 years in a small room where it super hot. Yeah not nice.

Today I been reading His Majesty's Dragon by Naomi Novik. So far it really good I only 102 out of 353 pages so doing OK. I also getting ready for crisis skylight open mic night tomorrow at theatre deli 6pm to 9pm free to come and watch.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you.

Zanny

Typically monday

Today I mat my nomad coach at virgin money. Then I thought that I see what book I went to a book store and have a look around on what they got in stock, and see if there are anything interesting books, I can get my hands when I next get paid next Tuesday. As I got nope in my bank and only pasta in my cardboard till I next get paid. So I know what I going to be having these next week. Pasta.

I also went to the library to pick up a couple of books for me to read. I got the Jewel by Amy Ewing and Starborn by Lucy Hudson. As I thought that they be really cool reads.


When I got home I played on the sims for about 2 hours. They a baby on the way. So yeah the sims story will be on the way. I am going to create a blog dedicated for the sims free play for people who are interested, and I am going to link it here for people to read.

Then I watched Meet the Parents Little Rockers. Which is just an amazing. Now I am not one for comedy, but I can see Greg in me in sense that I am that strange, and always trying really hard to impress the people I care about. As to be honest I got nothing special about me. Nope exciting about me. This blog is just about an average well below average ugly girl who lives in Sheffield, and her daily life.

Then I watched Grease, which is the cheesiest musical ever. I love it only because how funny and true it is. Well true in some high school. Like both my high school, if a TV crew show up they be hugging round the camera like they never seen one before. I do like the songs though, my favorite is there are worse thing I could do. I used to know all the words to that song when I was like 8/9 years old. However because I haven't watched it for like ages I forgotten the lyrics.

Anyway got to go.

Just remember

You don't always need a plan. You sometimes just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens. Said by Mandy Hals.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Books and songs

Hello I thought that as I haven't gave a who am I or my top fav in a while. I thought that I let you all get into what I in my brain.

So my top favorite books are

1. The Iron King by Julie Kagawa
2. Finder by Connie Suttle
3. Forsaken by Jane Oliver
4. Unwind by Neal Shuskermen
5. The eye of Divinity by Robert E. Keller

I am trying to start a new series I am thinking the Hunter Legend series. I think it seams really cool and because it haven't heard a lot about it, and it not a movie or TV series. I really want to read it but I going to wait to my birthday or Christmas. As it consists of 30+ books in this series alone. There other series that over lap The Hunter Legend series. So she I start it I want to get a few and start when I can forces on the series. (Hint hint for gift. 😝😝😝😘) 

For top 5 songs at the moment 

1. Prom song from everybody talking about Jamie
2. Welcome to the Rock from come from away
3. You'll be back from Hamilton
4. Anything you can do from Annie get your gun
5. Disappear from Dear Evan Henson

Out of those 5 show's which the shows come from I only seen Everybody Talking about Jamie and Annie get your gun. However the rest of them are all massive musical it would be hard to not know at least one song from the show. 

Any other my favorite list you want to know let me know. I will see what I can do. 

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Catch up

What's up everybody? First off let me apologize for now post the past couple of days.

Thursday was a very busy day and by the time I got home I was ready for bed. Also my wrist was sore, but it was a lovely day. I went to do stand up comedy. Where it was a bit rush. We sang a couple of songs, the penguin song and also we did Who's pigs are these. Then went to create our last piece for the stand up comedy workshops.

At 20 past 5 the workshop got a tram to Atterclif, to be a tester audience, for this audio walking theatre along the cannel. The problem was the transmitter broke 10 minute into the walk. Which was like what do as they don't have a back up plan because they just tested it and the transmitter worked. So we had to end it ten minutes in. However we all carried down the cannel which is like another 50 minute to Victoria Queys. Which is just beautiful and we had a drink at a little unique pub by the Queys.

I want home and yeah after walking down the cannel and then extra 30/35 minute home I was super tired.

On Friday I woke up at 8:20 as I had at my place at 9. So it gave me time to wake up get the kettle on and get some caffin in my system. I waited at the reception 5 minute before 9 because just in case the people who I was having the meeting with came early. Half 9 no where to be seen. I went to back to my room, come ten o'clock, 1 of the 2 arrived. The person who shown up, thought it was 10 then the one who didn't said 9 but at her office. Which wouldn't happened, we 100% arranged it at my place. So we arranged it, and I had to triple check the person who took the message, said.

Today I went to painted fabrics rehearsal, we are finally got a clear date on when the show is on. It will be on the 30th of November and 1st December. Which is great. It going to be at the University of Sheffield drama studio. Which hold in total of 177 people.

Anyway over the past couple of days I started playing sims free play. I got in total four sims. There names are Zanny, Luke, Owen and Annie (I think I should of written her name down.) They all knew to the town so I let you know how they getting along.

Anyway goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny

I got you.

Today was a lovely day where I went to  the Holt. Where I did writing for two hours. I did a bit where I created a scene of auto theatre. Which was really interesting to write, as I never seen Auto theatre, but have heard great thing about them. Then I did a bit on the space ship diary entry which was slightly hard, because I skipped from day 208 to day 738. As I want to see where I want the person who writing the diary entry to end up.

Afterwards I went to Church cause I am a partner in the vision. It was a night of celebration. We celebrated many achievement, to celebrate people within the church. It lovely to see people who are not normally seen within the church being thanks. People like the people who we celebrated tonight, are so deserving . As they helped so many people within the church. I never really know them that well just faces to me, but they are always smiling, which is amazing.

When I got home at 10pm I found out that Josie Walker and Phil Nicol is leaving Everybody Talking about Jamie. Which is sad that they leaving the cast, but also it nice to see what is in store for those two. Also just because they leaving doesn't mean they leaving the Jamie Family. I know both Josie Walker and Phil will be in the Jamie family heart. For me Josie Walker will never be forgotten. She is such a inspiration for me. I just love everything about Josie. Her voice is just stunning, and her personality is just beautiful. For me it will be hard to see Margaret New played by anybody but Josie. I know she can't play her forever, and I am looking forward to see who is playing both Margaret and Hugo after they leave.

I just going to end today's blog on saying that you are all wonderful people and I love each one of you. You are wonderfully made and each loved. I love walking alongside you on your journey, though all you ups and down. Love seeing where all your paths take.

Currently listening well watching -I got you from Bring it on:the Musical.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

So today been a lovely day. Well apart from trying to convert a AVI file, to a MP4 or a MOV, which didn't want to convert for some unknown reason, and we tried serval different sites and it was either didn't want to convert or say there a charge. They one that did convert it seem to not like my voice so just converted the audio.

Then afterwards I had a bit of lunch at Bankers Draft as somehow after meeting my nomad coach. I always end up hungry. Somehow we always talk about food, or hot celebrities. Which isn't a bad thing. I enjoy talking about hot celebs, to be honest I think my Nomad coach have a thing Leonardo DiCaprio.

Then afterwards I got something for painted fabrics show. Which is going really well. Very creative session, as we had a chance to explore who the characters we want to link all the historical events of Painted fabrics. So there was hot seats, it was interesting to get into a mind frame, of character that haven't been created yet. But that made it easier because then if it someone who is real or a character that already been created. As it like yeah I feel like that what they say. Instead of would they, wouldn't they.

Anyway I need to somehow rewrite stand up comedy piece for the workshop that I am doing on Thursday. So that going to be fun to rewrite it.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Just me

Hello. Today I spent most of the day wondering who I am as a person. I know I've been doing that a lot recently. However due to the workshop that I did at the crucible on being you. It got me thinking who am I. As I would love to use the skills that I learnt in the Sheffield people Theatre  workshop. However if I don't know who I am, how can bring the best of me to audition, call backs or any other form of interview if I don't know who I am. I know I will be always learning who I am, and it will always be changing. Though if I know who I am know, at least I know what I can bring to a team and be more confident in myself.

So here what my heart start accepting I am.

1. Caring
2. Loyal
3. Brave
4. Fun
5. Silly (in the best way)
6. A great listener
7. Creative
8. Scared (I know that is a good trait but that who I am. I know I am brave but there different form of bravery and you can still be scared at the same time. Like I get scared at night, I am scared of the unknown. I hate it when people touching me from behind when I am out in public. I get super scared if I in a super crowed room, and/or can't see or get to a exit easily.)
9. Funny (love having a laugh)
10. Lost (not in the sense I don't know where I am, am home. More in the sense I still figuring out where I belong. Who my family is? Not in the biological family. I have a biological family, more in the one who are the people who I can call brothers, sister's, uncle or Auntie. When my biological family aren't around.) 

Anyway I got to go.

The song been playing all through me writing this is 

One step from love by fast food rocket

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Year on

I would love to say a massive thank you to everybody who read my blog regularly. I been writing my blog for a year now. It such a special moment for me. As I never thought I would be able on writing my blog for a year straight.

There was points where I wanted to stop the blog all together, but I do enjoy writing. I wouldn't be the person I am without writing my blog. It odd to say, that the simplest of thing, like writing a blog for a year can help and change somebody life in so many ways.

I always get on a weekly basis about how great it is, which still a shock it is to my system. Then I realise that people do enjoy what I am writing because I give a outlook on life that isn't really explored.

Like I know I don't get a huge readership it can be between 16 to about 30 people. But I know it can help someone, one way or another. 

People often forget that I am a human being and that I have dream's to. I am just different and I am not scared to act strange around people, and have fun. Just because people are strange and have fun. Doesn't mean they don't have "normal dreams"

This was a simple, I want to share my dreams, my goals and my life with everybody who cares. Also it was a way to remind myself mainly that anything that I set my mind to.

So thank you all  for keeping with for a year.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Workshop and painted fabrics

The song I got on repeat well writing today's blog is Move Like Jagger, by Maroon 5 and Cristina Aguilera. It one of the songs that will always get me up to dance and sing along to at any party.  I just in a 'I want to have fun.' Sort of mood.

Today I went to the crucible theatre, as I had a workshop that I wanted to attend, through Sheffield People Theatre. It was called How to be you with a theatre maker/Director called Phyche Stott. It was about just going into a job interview, or a Audition, and stop worrying as they are not asking you to be perfect. They expect to make mistake we are human. It just have fun and be yourself.

We had this activity where we had to walk around the room and do a bunch of stuff when Phyche Stott says. Go/walk, stop/stop, Clap/clap, Jump/Jump. Then we swapped them around, so go is stop, stop is walk, clap is jump and then Jump is clap. Which made a lot harder before we was all in synchronization. When it was mixed we was a mess and we all agreed it was a lot more stressful as we had to think more.

Then we did a task after we was told it OK to mess up. We had to walk around and when a number was called we had to get into that amount of people. It was a lot more pressure off our shoulder.

We did other activities like we was in pairs and we all had the same three lines.

A: tea or coffee?
B: Coffee please
A:Milk?
B: yes please
A:Sugar?
B:No thanks

And from that we had to create a screen where we have create a relationship and what happening. It interesting how such simple lines be side in so many ways.

Now this lasted three hours. 10-1 and right after I rushed up to Painted fabrics Saturday rehearsal, which started at 1. I was about half an hour late. They know I was going to be half an hour late as I told them before hand. Thankfully there was doing a vocal warm up I already know, so I could easily go into it as I was walking into the circle. Then for the rest of the rehearsal, we was talking about the whole ongoing love story that link the history of Painted fabrics. It going to be a moving show. So if you want to come to see it. Bring tissues.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Story time.

As I basical done nothing but listening to music. Like I am listening to a song now. But that doesn't count, as when I type the blog I have the same song on repeat, as I know the tune and I know I enjoy the song. Plus it reflect my mood. Like I currently listening to Rewrite the stars from the greatest Snowman.

As I done nothing. I thought you might be interested in what I wrote in Word art on Wednesday. It not brilliant I know that, but it something to fill the space. This was meant to be a simple five minute task but it somehow ended taking up the full two hours.

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It was a lovely day as I walked out of the door. It is a nice change from what it has been like these past couple of weeks. We can finally say that spring have arrived. However I wasn't taking any chances and I had a umbrella in my bag, after all we are in England. I live in a small village in the English country side, and today is the start of the village festival, the whole village come together and have fun, it is the first year my Grandpa entered without Grandma by his side. This is one of the reason I am back in the village. 

I had to move closer because I am the only family he got now. After ma and pa died when I was five. I promised to be by there side. However at the age of 25 I thought I would be living my own live. I did for a while, I do love this village, it historical building, it cobal streets, it little family own café and tea shops. There isn't a new built in the village.

"Hello Tessy." That what I hate about this Village Mr Eriksson son Mark. He had this way with the lady's, he very charming and kind. Yes he is kind. There always a price to pay with him. I learnt that the hard way. He dated me because he wanted my family farm and when we wasn't selling he for very aggressive towards me..

I quickly walked trying to get away from him, but he grabbed my wrist tightly. "Get off me Mark." I tried to stay calm but try to get my wrist from his grin, but it wasn't getting out. It like he was got physical stronger, which really scared me. 

I could tell by his laugh that he can tell that I was scared. It was one of those evil laugh in a horror movie before the killer kill. "Oh Tessy, why are you scared? You used to enjoy me grabbing your wrist like this.' He smirked.

 I turned to face him. He hasn't change much in three years since I left. He dyed his hair to a copper colour. However his lime green eyes haven't change, they are cutting into my soul, like a sword on fire. I was struggling now. " Duck miss." Was all that I heard, as I quickly move just in time to see a fist flying past my head.

Mark let go, I managed to step back and stop myself from falling, but by the time I look at what was happening. Mark was punching the unknown guy, and he is badly bleeding. In the end he stopped when he was happy. He look at me angrily. "You will be my wife one day, and I will have your farm. As if you don't." He looked down to the unknown guy. He moved slightly. "The next won't be so lucky." He walked away.

I quickly ran over to the guy and kneeled beside him and pulled out my phone. I rang 999. "Hello 999 I need an amberlance at Wintercross bank near the Wintercross statue." 

Just then I felt a hand touch my hand. "Put the phone down. I am stronger then you think." 

I shock my head. "He been badly beaten up protecting me. He bleeding." I look in his eyes. Something in his eyes says that he is special. I looked down to his wounds. They seam to be clearing. 

I looked back up to his eyes and he smiled. He reached for my phone and I was wary but his eyes says to trust him. So I did. He place the phone to his ear and say. "Sorry miss. We don't need it now. All he needed was a few pain killers and plasters. Sorry again and thank for your time." Before I know it he place the phone back in my hand and stood up. Walking away.

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That it what I wrote.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

War Love Letters and Knights

A great song just started playing as I started typing on one of my playlist on Spotify and that is Never be Lonely, by The Feeling. That bring so many memory from year six. To Everybody Talking about Jamie. I grown up with Never be Lonely and I just love the song.

Now today been a very productive day, I went to stand up comedy. On the way there I quickly went into Oxfam and picked up to books. Love Letters of the Great war, mainly because of the painted fabrics play, and it links very well into the idea of a love story which we want in the show.

Then I picked up Knight: the Medieval Warrior's Manual. I only picked this up because I thought it will be interesting to read about what Knight where up to, because I just love history. I also unplanned wrote the whole Knights and jousting in my two minutes stand up comedy piece, which we all have to improve by next week.

Now hero I forget in two weeks on Tuesday, 3rd July 6pm to 9pm at theatre deli. There going to be a open mic night. It is free, and we would love as many people down there as possible to support the amazing homeless charity that is Crisis skylight. This charity has helped me build so my confidence in not only myself, but my writing skill but being able to just talk to people. They helped me see that there more to me them what I original thought. I have created something that I original thought I would be rubbish at. From stories, stained glass, Fimo, Acting and Singing.

After I done comedy, I went to Hope city for coactive. The Board cast and photography joined together to create serval five, five second videos. We had fun.

Now I am home after what seems like a long day, and I can feel the amount of walking I do, starting to effect my legs and ankle, as they kill. Good thing I got some Ibuprofen on me.

Anyway got to go.

Good night everybody

Love you.

Zanny xx

My long Wensday

Today was a lovely day, well did had counseling who want me to write a letter but in a style that a 11-14 year old me would say, to the bully at my school, as she want have a better understanding if how my past affected with how I am coping with life now and she knows I enjoy writing.

After that I went home a chilled for a bit before going out to word art. Where we just write what we just felt like. The person who runs it, who an amazing person. He says like he knows that I can write without a prompt, just pen to paper. So that what we did for two hours. He always amazed how complex my characters and how I can just writes and without thinking about it, created a back story.

As to be honest the first task was just a pen to paper and don't stop writing, and this was just for five minutes, but as we was just getting into it we spent the whole session. So of course when I started I just wrote.

I just had a blast, I always enjoy writing the stories I create in word art. As the person who run Word art, when you writing, he write along side you, and if you struggle, and if he struggle then he talk about. So it is nice to have in a sense a writing buddy.   As we can share ideas, as he struggle with thinking about background stories, which I am good at. Where he is good at giving me odd challenge.

After that I went to Norfolk park, which is such a beautiful park, as it have a stunning view of Sheffield. As I was waiting started reading a book which I found in a Oxfam Charity shop. It is called From the Two River by Robert Jordan. It apart of a series of 12 books. So I hope that I like the book as I do want to try and read a huge series like this. I will keep you update this book when I reading it.

At 7pm my friends from Hope City Church started to show up, and we just had a picnic. Which was nice, we played rounders. Which was alright, like I didn't really want to play but thought I should have a try, like I smiled but I don't like sport, I had a bad back and bad ankles, but I don't want to see like I never take part, like I would. I am much better just having a little kick around, not a match, just a little pass around. At time I nearly felt my ankle go, and I had to walk home which took me one and a half hour. I had fun at Norfolk park, but if my ankle and back wasn't playing up it would of been batter.

So my day means me getting up at 6:20am, it currently 10;52pm

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Hello, I had to take yesterday off from writing my blog. It was a personal choice. There isn't much to write about, for these past couple of days. I do enjoy writing these blog, it isn't that. It just because I have a lot of my plate these days. I am barley have anytime just to myself. Even when I have time to myself, I am either at counseling, walking or sleeping. 

When I walking I always have headphones on. So even then I don't have anytime to think.  So I feel like I don't know what to say anymore. Without you guys getting bored of me doing the same thing every single day. I am trying to throw in different things here and there to make it seems like I am not a robot.

For insect today is a standard Tuesday, rehearsal, Fimo, walked for an hour home, then been chilling. So there nothing new there. I have finished a piece from Fimo, well it been baked. It a small bowl. No picture of it though. Even though I am happy with it. I just feel like every time I post something I created, I feel a lot of hate for it. So that why I am keeping it to myself.

As to be honest I am nothing special, I am a below normal person, who just need somewhere, that I feel safe to talk. Where I can be myself. Even though I don't know who that is.

Now before you say that I am special and I'm not below normal. Don't. As I know I am nothing extraordinary. I don't have a book, film, or theater show to be made out of me worthy. I just, simple Miss Suzanne Taylor, who goes by the name Zanny. That's it, and that probably will always be that.

That it for today goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Five random topic

I think today I do 5 short topic to write about. So I hope this will find more about me then what I do on a day to day basis. As I more that, I do these things because of who I am. What me and a friend of mine Luke Hitchen was saying today at church, that nobody can do you, only you can. Plus we shouldn't try to fit in to the normal and that we should love our self more, but more time then others we don't. So here the topic I going to talk about;

Books I Want to Write

I want to write a series of fantasy, at least three. Like I know the outline of what I want of how this series is going to work. It going to include, humans, Elves, wizards, wolfs and war. I got it started and it a good ten pages long. Well at least 10 pages if it 5 by 8 inches long.

Book shopping- what I look for

When I do shopping for a new book, I always tend to go for a book that I don't know the author, or heard of the book itself. I don't tend to go for books that on the shelves have a review under. If I know that the book is popular I tend to avoid it, as when I read something I know that I am reading it with a open mind, and not being influence by what other people say. I would read one or two before buying it. But author, and popularity is depending on what I buy.

Love 

Yes I am talking about love, and not romantic, sort of stuff. I don't have that knowledge, and I probably won't. I mean the love for friends and family. For me since moving to Sheffield back in September of 2016 the friends I have made here, have grew really close to my heart, and I know I don't tell them that much but I love them to bits. You don't need to be in a relationship to love someone.

History

For me history is a big part of my life. I love History. If I could live in any era, that isn't now. I would totally go for Tudor England. Firstly I love Tudor building. Also there a lot of things that came out of the Tudor era that we never would of thought it would. We all think that they have poor health and poor plumbing.

Why I write my blog

I do this because I love!writing. When I first started doing  this I !mainly did it because I was was getting annoyed telling people how my life is. Now however I feel like I have a story to tell, and that I am inspirational, and I hope by people reading my blog. Understand there more to life then what you face with. It might be hard at time. I know that some post are quite low in mood, but you always see I am always back on my feet. Sometime it hard to get back up. Sometimes I do need help by my friends but I am always fighting and I am not planning of falling any time soon.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Where do I begin?

I don't know where to begin in tonight blog, and I don't want to let you down by saying that I don't want to write anything down tonight. The reason is I am just can't handle life.

I just have to keep on fighting though, even though I feel all bruised up, and can't lift my arms up anymore. I am truly drained. Like at the moment I am listening to It mean Beautiful from Everybody Talking about Jamie. Just to remind me that I am beautiful, and I am more then a object for men.

Why do men think it OK to do the things that they do. It so not OK, but there isn't anything a person can do, because they didn't physical hurt you. But what about the brain, what about the Heart. They are just as sensitive.

I am stress about living in the area that I am in, I can't wait to move. That men from Wensday, he was so close to me, he doesn't understand personal space. I felt so out of my comfort zone. So angry but all I could do was is to go into a nearby shop, thankfully somebody notice and asked if I was alright. He always gets angry when he not getting me. Like I don't know this guy who clearly in his mid 40's and just want some action, and he just see me, as a innocent, young, sweet, easy target. Only because I am innocent, young and sweet doesn't means I am a easy target. I don't want to go into details, and I feel ashamed that I been through that, from being a victims and all because I am a female and he is male.

I just feel like all that I stand for is all falling apart. Like where are the respect for women. Why are all the typical beauty in the world getting married, but inner beauty are left single, for idiot to touch them up when ever the dam feel like. I feel like that will all I get in my life, men physical touching me up and that it. Even when I keep saying no, they always back for me. Like Hawks in the night. Always circling their pray to they cave.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Stories ad what they mean to me.

First of sorry for no post last night. I got back at 10pm for coactive at Hope City Church, well for the first time since going to it nearly 2 years ago I went to the vocal team because I am getting confidence with my singing voice, and I think you can tell that I am getting better in confidence with both my own singing voice and also knowing how to sing, and that it more then what your voice sounds like. How ever when I got home I couldn't stop sneezing and my eyes looked like I was doing drugs, they was like blood shot red, itchy and I couldn't stop tears rolling down my face.

Today was a pretty standard Friday for me, I chilled in my room, then I did a bit a food shopping, then had a meal with one of my house mates who made a nice chicken Karma.

As I didn't do much today I thought that I might talk about random topic and see where that takes me. 

Stories is today's random topic, as I know I will write more then one random topics.

For me stories have been apart of my life from day one, this is possible due to that I have a story that I know is different and one that people here that often, mainly because what I've gone though as a baby not many people are willing to talk about, or have the same outcome as mine.

My story is truly unique, in a sense that I can openly say that I do struggle, on a daily basis with the truma of what the first ten months of my life. I don't know if I will ever get out of it, or if it something I will live with for the rest of my life.

I also love reading, from historical events, I believe that if we have a better understanding of what happened in the past, we can understand today and be appreciative about it. Like I know I won't be who I am today if I haven't mat the people I have along the way.

I also enjoy fantasy, as there are times in my life, where I want to escape the horror of reality, and I can't always go into town to watch a movie, or watch a DVD. Also there something about reading a good fantasy book. Ad it give you the chance to fly away, even if it for ten minutes at time. It give me the sense of freedoms that I need. The feeling that I am needed and loved, which for a person like me, is very hard to get. So that why I love fantasy, because then I am the main character, or favorite character.

I currently reading eternity by Maggie Shayne.

Also listening to Dear Darling by Olly Murs.

Anyway goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Eventful

Today I had counselling, before you say that was fast. It the one I had from losing my friend last year. So having to talk about recant events made it super hard. Like things wasn't just easy this morning, as I was having breakfast at a the tesco extra café, when this guy who at least 40, came in to the café, he was wearing a gold graduation robe. Now I am pretty sure there was no graduation happening today and none of there would of been coming into the tesco extra café. Then he came to sit with me. The cafe was empty. I had to quietly notify the cashier who served me my breakfast. Let just say he didn't like the fact he asked to sit somewhere else.

That was the events of this morning so I had good reason to not go out. However I had a place to look at, and I feel like events of this morning wouldn't matter, they will only say you should of get the police. Like how can I just normally call the police, when a men who possible dangerous without causing myself even more danger. So it was like what do  you do.

Anyway I had to go because we already said we viewed it, and wow. The place is stunning. Like it not completely done, but it already stunning. I am luckily seen it before most people so I had a pick of 3 of the 4 flats. I said I would love flat 5. One of the ground floor ones are staff so there is 5 flats but only 4 is for residents.

The 5th one is one the 3rd and last floor and take up the whole floor. The kitchen is black and very modern. There is a dishwasher, washer/dryer. Cooker, a TV. It just lovely. The bedroom are good size. Big enough for a double, a wardrobe, some and some shelves. They say they have enough couple of weeks then just some paperwork to do. Then I need to start moving in.

After all that I chilled with some friends, we had Pizza and then we, well my friends watched White chicks. I started bit haven't finished. Is it bad I never watched the film before, like in my opinion it OK, like I watch it but because I studied media production, all I can see is all the fault in it. I know that it probably what made it good. I think it tried to hard to be a comedy. See that one of the reason I don't like it.

Anyway I got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Very hard day

Due to finding that my close friend passed away, instead being trapped in my room, or going to something that will make think about my friend even more.

It was super hard to wake up this morning, knowing that I won't ever see him again, knowing that I won't see Lucas's cheeky smile, won't see him acting like a complete idiot creating mayhem everywhere we go. At the same time he was one of those people who will be serious if need be, and he was one of those people who if you upset, abuse, and/ or anger anybody who he care about he will hunt them down. Which is hard to believe because he is like a teddy bear. But I have seam him get worked up about one of the guys who I used to worked with.

Last year when my flatmate died he spent weeks keeping on texting me to remind me that I am worth carrying and that the sun always coming up. He would also try and make sure that I was feeding myself. As he was worried that because I just had a massive scare that I would forget to eat.

Lucas's favorite song was "Back for Good" by Take That, which I have been listening to since I woke up. Well I have been in because Lucas wouldn't want to be trapped in side.

So I went to Fimo and finished my jar, that I was making for the Crisis Skylight member Celebration, I haven't toke a picture I will when I have a chance which will probably will be in September. I also finished the house I started 2 weeks ago.

Then I started and finished a necklace today.

Now I am home. The only thing I ate today is a sandwich, as I can't eat anymore. I only can managed the sandwich. I know it is stupid. Like I know I am not ill, I'm just grieving, I just lost a very close friend. I know he would remind me to eat, that he doesn't want to hear me dying of starvation, but I can't. Well not today. As I only have Rhubarb Crumble in my fridge/freezer.

Anyway going bed.