Who you wasn't to be

Hi everybody. Sorry for the wait for this post. I just needed some much needed time to think without worrying about what I should write for that night blog post. I know I shouldn't think about and just write from the heart. But that the problem, my heart want to tell you guys how I really feel but at the same time my heart want to be liked. I know I won't be able to be liked by everybody on the world. Like I know not that many people read my blog. So that out of the question.

Anyway in the time after over thinking about that I should give up, on trying to get everybody to like me. As in the end I won't be try to myself.

Also I just needed more time to think about who me in. I know I been thinking about it lately, but to be honest you are always learning new things about yourself, all the time. I just didn't really had a chance before this year because I was always trying to impress others. Now I am tired on doing that. The only person I should impress is myself, my inspiration should be a better me.

Anyway I went to my first Pride on Saturday here in Sheffield, I had a blast, while hanging out with Jamie Campbell, his Beautiful mum Margaret, his lovely boyfriend Blake. Talked to the director of my favorite musical Everybody Talking about Jamie Jonathan Butterell. Had such an amazing time.

Even though I should of been resting my foot and shouldn't of been standing up my right foot as much as I did. As last Thursday I had to go to the walk in center. They said I had something called plants Faliciliisit (I probably misspelled it.) It to do with having a low arch, having a problem walking, being flat footed, walking to much or/and standing for to long. Which I all have, so yeah standing doing the YMCA isn't the best idea with that.

But I wouldn't let the pain ruin my day, I stood up and fight the pain. As I want to say that don't matter who you are you should love who ever you please, boy, girl, an object or nothing at all. As people shouldn't be scared to be who they are.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Songs of the seven hills

Sorry for no post last night. I had another early morning. Yesterday I sang again for crisis skylight member celebration, but in Doncaster, so I had to get a train up to Doncaster, in time to warm my voice up and have a run through of the songs. It was a good celebration.

Afterwards I got the train back to Sheffield, and killed time in town. Had dinner and had a look round shops, mainly window shopping. As I didn't have time to go home. Before I went to the crucible theatre for a show.

I went to see a brand new show called Songs of the Seven Hills, best on stories based on the life of people living in Sheffield. These are based on really life stories, and wow, just wow. These story are just empowering. As the main characters thought they didn't have a voice because they had people saying. No. However they learnt not to take no for a answer. All the cast was amazing, none of them are trained Actors or singers, they just members of the Sheffield people theatres.

One of the characters called Georgina. They sang a song about how they view a body as a home, and that people should be allowed to do what they want to do to feel comfy in it. For them it changing their body from male to female. Even if that means loosing her family. The lyrics hit me, the whole people shouldn't tell you how to look, or that you need to stop moaning, cause at the and of the day you have to live in your body for you whole life and you should be comfortable in it.

Me and a group of friends went to see it to support our friend who plays a mean councillor, who married to a vicar. He was amazing. We all cheered for him when he greater us at the bar as it was Press night we all celebrated with a drink but at 11 I went home and chilled out for a bit before going to bed.

I was so happy that I had a chance to just sleep without worrying about getting up early because I slept for England, I probably slept for the whole of the UK. Still tried, but if I didn't get up I wouldn't sleep tonight so it a loose, loose situation. Then again I don't have to get up early tomorrow either. So yeah.

Anyway I wish see you all soon.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Explaining myself

I first off want to say sorry for the lack post lately. I am trying, but my mental health have dipped these past couple of day including today. Even though I been busy.

What happen? Why are you so low? To be honest. That depression. I have no idea why I am low. It doesn't help that I feel so lonely in the hostel. Even though there people in, there never hang out with me. The amount of people in the place I always hearing out in each other room, but with me it is: "Hi, How are you? I am good thank you. See you around." Never anything more.

With my friends they always busy with work or hanging out with other friends, so stuck at home in my room listening to music. Which is a good thing. As it stop me from being an idiot and listening to my brain to do more then self harming. Even though WiFi rubbish here, and you can never know when the next power cut is. So listening to my only CD which is the concept album of Everybody Talking about Jamie.

Anyway today, I sang in front of people at the Crisis skylight members Celebration. I felt like I was going to be sick and pass out. I couldn't believe I did that. I probably sang in front of 50+ people. I have to do this  again in Doncaster. So yeah I managed to not pass out singing in public.

I wish you guys know how i feeling, but I don't know if you will understand how I feeling. I feel like if I try to tell you I will get a lot of question or that "I shouldn't do that." Like deep down somewhere I know, with the question I don't know the answer to he question. I just feel the why I feel. Like I want to get better. I trying to get better, but it getting to the part where I don't know what else.

One day I know things will get better. So here five goals/wishes I want to achieve.

1. Go and see a boardway show
2. Go to Orlando
3. Get a job
4. Write a book
5. To preform in the shows I am long to be in.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you 

Zanny xx

Mental health

Where should I start today. There been a lot of talk about mental health today, on all forms of media from social media to the radio. Now I am somebody who is working on my mental health.

I can say it is hard to go through day basis fighting depression and anxiety. It been something I been going through, one form or another my life, but been going through depression for the past 6/7 years and Anxiety for the past 3 years.

Well there are people out there who trying to help me I haven't found anything that can get rid of them. I personally found things that helped me coped. That all I can do is to learn to cope.

However the things that help. See what I am learning to expect that I hear voices. Three voices, two male and one female, they also visit me sometimes, and it always the same faces and voices. See it not people or voices I know. I know it not normal. I just can't get rid of them. Like they even have names and I know each one by name. They been with me for 2 years now.

I was getting counseling, but that ended but it didn't help one bit, it was a total waste of time. I was getting angry I was passing outnat home due to stress caused by the counseling. I was getting angry to the point where I wanted to punch somebody. I just couldn't cope. People say carry on as it maybe because I am talking about things that I haven't really talked about. But this was going on for 4 months. It jut wasn't normal.

Anyway got to go

Zanny xx

Hi

Today I went to a Crisis skylight session where we talk about the Christmas show. In which we Crisis hopefully going to put on this Christmas. If they want to put not on this year. Then they need to start considering open the theatre things to the public or at least be a bit more relaxed about who going to be in it.

As they want to put on A Christmas Carol, and on a good day there three members who shows up, me and two other, like they talked a bit of roles so at least the people o mainly come will have roles but there to many roles for all of us to play.

That was for 7 hours straight there, it was a hour and half walk there and back so my foot is killing me. I really need to get my foot checked out, but my doctors never answer the phones so I have to deal with the foot pain till I don't know when.

Since I came home I mainly be resting. Tree isn't much to do.

Anyway housing situation update, there be ready for me to move within the next 6 weeks. I will be finally out of Pitsmoor. I just want to get out of the area. I don't want to get out of the place I am in because I have made lovely friends but I know I can't stay here forever.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx
















P.S England not coming home 😁😁😁😁😁😇

Fimo and stained glass

So today I did Fimo and finished my stained glass today because I missed stained glass so much that last week I started a piece and I just had to finish my stained glass.

 Sorry about picture quality because two light ball have gone and the lights are not that bright anyway.

For fimo I for back my tree and I created a Rose, which I am super happy with the result.

For the petals and leaves each one personal made by me. Each one is very different. Which is really cool I didn't want something that look perfect. I just want something that stand out that not perfect because I am not perfect. For the Rose, something that typically beautiful, is odd because I am beautiful inside but I not what everybody want me to be and and I want that. I don't want to be the same.

Anyway I got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Today I been feeling very faint still and my right foot is bruised up. I feel like I been a right failure with my life at the moment. Like I should know, but as they are so many things that I want to do that I can't pin part what I can do. Or there so many things that I don't know what to do or where to start.

Today I been resting pretty much all day, I started to read a book that a friend Luke lent me to read called The Little written by Gladys Aylward. It a is a Christian book about putting faith in God, and trusting that if it a word of God that things will work out.

It interesting that there talk about doing missionary in a country that the person don't know anything about it, and unsafe. Due to me wanting to go the country Chad. Which recant war ended in 2010 where it lasted 5 years it was the Chadian civil war. It lasted for 4 years and 4 weeks. Death of Civilians was small compared to other civil war in sense there was 7000 killed and there was 200000 refugees. This was due to some rebellion, and there still some going on, but been wanting to go since I was 15.

Now I have been listening to music and I am listening to Fabulous, Baby from Sister Act the musical, which I so want to see because the songs I have heard on Spotify seams epic. Plus I love the movie.  It such a classic.

Anyway I got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Live screening of Everybody Talking about Jamie

Just wow. Last night I went to Cineworld in Sheffield, to see the live screening of Everybody Talking about Jamie. What an experience. I never been to a live screening before, so to have a chance to see my favorite musical on the big screen. I just couldn't stop smiling. I just knew that ETAJ was made to be on the big screen. Plus it was a lovely bonus to see the inspiration behind the show Jamie Campbell and his mum Margaret. Had a picture with them.

 

I just need the film which is like another 2 years. As I probably won't get cast as an extra. I don't know why but yeah.

Today I been watching three films. I watched Grease, chitty chitty bang bang and the greatest showman. All amazing films. I just love them.  Well Greatest showman mainly because it gut Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron in, and I love them.

Apart from that, it getting stressful, I haven't been eating that much today because I have been stressing out. I had a sandwich, a Mars bar, and some coconuts mountain which are like 5p in size, and that it today.  Like I been sitting in the backseat in the whole housing situation which I told my key worker, who I don't know why been taking a lot of control over it, because I don't know what happening because I'm not the one emailing or getting the email that I'm stressing but she haven't offered anything so I don't know what happening, and this place is why I can live for how long I want.

But they don't understand.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Art and craft day.

Struggle to sleep last night due to being to hot. It was unbearable. But still managed to get up at 10:15 but I think because I kept on waking up. So it not what time I wanted to wake up at but it had to do.

So I went to say hello to stained glass starting to created a piece. It not like a super complex shape, well it is if I had to cut it out all by hand, but all the shape are scrap glass. So that easier for me, it was so nice to go back to it even for a bit because I did miss doing it. I was informed that the tea design I did was used by another group. Which is nice that people using my design to create there own work.

Then I did some more Fimo where I did a snail, a tree and a fridge magnet.  I got my person that I made back, which I just love.

Today was meant to be another open mic night, where I was going to do a stand up comedy piece, bit end up being cancelled due to nobody showing up cause of football. Like first of Crisis skylight worked hard to help people who are facing homelessness, to help them get back into work and in there own place, but they need donations to keep going that why they do these open mic night. Before anybody says that they shouldn't of done it on a night of a big England game. They booked in February before they knew when they line up are know, and we didn't expect England to doing so well.  So like I was really want to try and build my confidence up, so these open mic night help me. So it kind of ruin my confidence a bit. As now I don't know if the people who said they liked what I wrote, just saying to be nice or what. So yeah.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

am back

Hello i am back after a much needed break from writing the blog. Like I love writing the blog but at the moment my blogs are coming out like it the same every single day, and I don't that. There never me going in town to meet this friend on this day and we did this because never really get asked to meet up for coffee that often. Or a random trip down to the cinema, or brought a new book. Most of the books I read I read from the library.

What have I done over the past week though. I went to do painted fabrics rehearsal. They going great got a layout of the show finally. Which I think is really needed. As we need to know what happening, what parts we got and then what parts we still need. We having a little break due to needing to type up scenes that we created but haven't had time to do it and we are back this Saturday.

Wensday I had to go down food bank as I had nothing in and I needed food, it not something I wanted to do. But I had nothing, no food, no money till tonight. It was heartbreaking to do. The staff made at the hostel made me feel so bad for needing to go food bank. There was like why all my money gone? Why didn't I plan, we did a budgeting booklet. Like I don't know and I did plan but the plan backfired, and no we didn't do a budgeting booklet. We did a home booklet and a cooking booklet which where no good because they taught me nothing. Like I still don't know how to save my life.

Thursday I just chilled

Friday, well meant to have a meeting at 2pm at the hostel for my social care package, with who going to be my new landlord, who don't work Friday and the female who did the social care package assessment. Now the person who did the assessment she re arranged it because she was an hour late last Friday, and the first person thought it was at her office. So my going to be landlord said she do it even though she don't work Friday. She showed up on time but the person who rearranged it and was an hour late last time, never showed up. So I was trying after the landlord left trying to not pass out from stress.

Saturday chilled

Sunday was on Wiztots and it was eventful, picture about 20 people about 15 kids aged 1-3 years in a small room where it super hot. Yeah not nice.

Today I been reading His Majesty's Dragon by Naomi Novik. So far it really good I only 102 out of 353 pages so doing OK. I also getting ready for crisis skylight open mic night tomorrow at theatre deli 6pm to 9pm free to come and watch.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you.

Zanny