As I basical done nothing but listening to music. Like I am listening to a song now. But that doesn't count, as when I type the blog I have the same song on repeat, as I know the tune and I know I enjoy the song. Plus it reflect my mood. Like I currently listening to Rewrite the stars from the greatest Snowman.
As I done nothing. I thought you might be interested in what I wrote in Word art on Wednesday. It not brilliant I know that, but it something to fill the space. This was meant to be a simple five minute task but it somehow ended taking up the full two hours.
____________________________________________________________________
It was a lovely day as I walked out of the door. It is a nice change from what it has been like these past couple of weeks. We can finally say that spring have arrived. However I wasn't taking any chances and I had a umbrella in my bag, after all we are in England. I live in a small village in the English country side, and today is the start of the village festival, the whole village come together and have fun, it is the first year my Grandpa entered without Grandma by his side. This is one of the reason I am back in the village.
I had to move closer because I am the only family he got now. After ma and pa died when I was five. I promised to be by there side. However at the age of 25 I thought I would be living my own live. I did for a while, I do love this village, it historical building, it cobal streets, it little family own café and tea shops. There isn't a new built in the village.
"Hello Tessy." That what I hate about this Village Mr Eriksson son Mark. He had this way with the lady's, he very charming and kind. Yes he is kind. There always a price to pay with him. I learnt that the hard way. He dated me because he wanted my family farm and when we wasn't selling he for very aggressive towards me..
I quickly walked trying to get away from him, but he grabbed my wrist tightly. "Get off me Mark." I tried to stay calm but try to get my wrist from his grin, but it wasn't getting out. It like he was got physical stronger, which really scared me.
I could tell by his laugh that he can tell that I was scared. It was one of those evil laugh in a horror movie before the killer kill. "Oh Tessy, why are you scared? You used to enjoy me grabbing your wrist like this.' He smirked.
I turned to face him. He hasn't change much in three years since I left. He dyed his hair to a copper colour. However his lime green eyes haven't change, they are cutting into my soul, like a sword on fire. I was struggling now. " Duck miss." Was all that I heard, as I quickly move just in time to see a fist flying past my head.
Mark let go, I managed to step back and stop myself from falling, but by the time I look at what was happening. Mark was punching the unknown guy, and he is badly bleeding. In the end he stopped when he was happy. He look at me angrily. "You will be my wife one day, and I will have your farm. As if you don't." He looked down to the unknown guy. He moved slightly. "The next won't be so lucky." He walked away.
I quickly ran over to the guy and kneeled beside him and pulled out my phone. I rang 999. "Hello 999 I need an amberlance at Wintercross bank near the Wintercross statue."
Just then I felt a hand touch my hand. "Put the phone down. I am stronger then you think."
I shock my head. "He been badly beaten up protecting me. He bleeding." I look in his eyes. Something in his eyes says that he is special. I looked down to his wounds. They seam to be clearing.
I looked back up to his eyes and he smiled. He reached for my phone and I was wary but his eyes says to trust him. So I did. He place the phone to his ear and say. "Sorry miss. We don't need it now. All he needed was a few pain killers and plasters. Sorry again and thank for your time." Before I know it he place the phone back in my hand and stood up. Walking away.
_____________________________________________________________________
That it what I wrote.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Showing posts with label Zanny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Zanny. Show all posts
Friday, 15 June 2018
Wednesday, 11 April 2018
Letting it off my chest
Even though I feel better today I still feel like there isn't any hope for tomorrow, and that I better just end it. I think it due how today in counseling I talked about an event what happened when I was 14 years old. Talking about it made me feel worthless and ashamed that it happened.
I thought I better come clean about it, hoping that by talking about this event will give a better understanding of who I am. When I was 14 I helped at two clubs both of which are for people with special needs. One on Monday for adults and then on Thursdays for youth.
At the Monday club there a man who at the times in his late 40's, early 50's and from that day he started following me everywhere, he would get me gift, even though he wasn't allowed, and I wasn't allowed to accept them. He was trying to touch me every single time and flirt with me.
The only person who sense something was up was my brother Robin, when one Thursday he showed up the youth club. At this point I stop helping at the clubs because I didn't feel safe, and I didn't know who I could talk to. My auntie could see it happening as she was running both clubs but she didn't anything about it.
Even though after I stopped helping out, he found out where I lived and started to ask if he can come round and hang out, when he knew I was only one in. I got to the point where I stopped answering the door. Thanksgiving after a while he stopped knocking. However it was the scariest year I had.
To this day I didn't tell anyone of what happened not even my friends or family. In fear of being judge. But I needed to get it off my chest because I can't keep in anymore, it too emotional.
Anyway got to go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
I thought I better come clean about it, hoping that by talking about this event will give a better understanding of who I am. When I was 14 I helped at two clubs both of which are for people with special needs. One on Monday for adults and then on Thursdays for youth.
At the Monday club there a man who at the times in his late 40's, early 50's and from that day he started following me everywhere, he would get me gift, even though he wasn't allowed, and I wasn't allowed to accept them. He was trying to touch me every single time and flirt with me.
The only person who sense something was up was my brother Robin, when one Thursday he showed up the youth club. At this point I stop helping at the clubs because I didn't feel safe, and I didn't know who I could talk to. My auntie could see it happening as she was running both clubs but she didn't anything about it.
Even though after I stopped helping out, he found out where I lived and started to ask if he can come round and hang out, when he knew I was only one in. I got to the point where I stopped answering the door. Thanksgiving after a while he stopped knocking. However it was the scariest year I had.
To this day I didn't tell anyone of what happened not even my friends or family. In fear of being judge. But I needed to get it off my chest because I can't keep in anymore, it too emotional.
Anyway got to go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Sunday, 28 January 2018
Why does love always feel like a Battlefield
As I am writing this blog I have Jordan Sparks Battlefield. For my experience or lack of it I can personally say Love is like a Battlefield, you always fighting with it. Never really know if you winning, losing or if it a draw.
Sometimes I just wish there no such thing as love, but then again, without the magic of love then what the point of living. Also I love my friends, and even though I don't see them my family. With travel, money, me being busy and that my annoying hostel having a rule that I am not permitted to stay out more then 3 days a week and have to be back before midnight or I be locked out till 8am rules.
Anyway I only contacted here till the end of August anyway hopefully the next place is a little more free with the rules. So going to try and stay in Sheffield. I want to make Sheffield my home, but with being on Benefit I only can go where I can afford to go. Which sucks really.
Anyway I had to get up at 5:20 had four hours sleep, I'm hungry, but nothing edible in my kitchen till Tuesday. The government don't understand to live on the amount they give us isn't enough to buy enough food pay rent, and socialise at the same time.
Like don't they understand what importance being social have. If I had no social life and spend on my money on food and rent then I will have serious mental health issue. Like I don't already have depression, suicidal thoughts and been acting on self harming.
Anyway goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
P.s Vote for Everybody Talking about Jamie, in the 18th Anniversary of WhatsonStage Award. They deserve every single vote because they are beautiful and I owe them everything. So every chance I can say thank you I will take it no question about it.
Sometimes I just wish there no such thing as love, but then again, without the magic of love then what the point of living. Also I love my friends, and even though I don't see them my family. With travel, money, me being busy and that my annoying hostel having a rule that I am not permitted to stay out more then 3 days a week and have to be back before midnight or I be locked out till 8am rules.
Anyway I only contacted here till the end of August anyway hopefully the next place is a little more free with the rules. So going to try and stay in Sheffield. I want to make Sheffield my home, but with being on Benefit I only can go where I can afford to go. Which sucks really.
Anyway I had to get up at 5:20 had four hours sleep, I'm hungry, but nothing edible in my kitchen till Tuesday. The government don't understand to live on the amount they give us isn't enough to buy enough food pay rent, and socialise at the same time.
Like don't they understand what importance being social have. If I had no social life and spend on my money on food and rent then I will have serious mental health issue. Like I don't already have depression, suicidal thoughts and been acting on self harming.
Anyway goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
P.s Vote for Everybody Talking about Jamie, in the 18th Anniversary of WhatsonStage Award. They deserve every single vote because they are beautiful and I owe them everything. So every chance I can say thank you I will take it no question about it.
Saturday, 27 January 2018
Another poem
I know I have son a lot of poems of late but I can't really talk about what I'm going through with words. It just to emotional. I did promise to keep going. So here the poem.
An unopened Flower
A cocoon butterfly
Scared...
Waiting
Not knowing when it their turn
To walk in the sun
For their time to Shine.
"I can do this"
Then again
What if I can't.
I'm just a dead
I'm just a caterpillar.
Nothing worthy of your love.
A ugly
No good.
Someone who trapped
Locked in a cage
Who can't escape the fear.
The war inside them.
That all I can managed today without my ears watering with tears. Thank for reading it.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
An unopened Flower
A cocoon butterfly
Scared...
Waiting
Not knowing when it their turn
To walk in the sun
For their time to Shine.
"I can do this"
Then again
What if I can't.
I'm just a dead
I'm just a caterpillar.
Nothing worthy of your love.
A ugly
No good.
Someone who trapped
Locked in a cage
Who can't escape the fear.
The war inside them.
That all I can managed today without my ears watering with tears. Thank for reading it.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Sunday, 21 January 2018
Look at me
Mock me
That where you are here
And thrown away the key!
Locking me up inside this cage.
Saying to protect me.
Who are you protecting me from?
Other people?
Or are you protecting them?
From having to look at me.
Please you have to understand,
I just a scared bird.
I just need somebody to unlock the cage,
Hold my hand and teach me how to
Fly
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Mock me
That where you are here
And thrown away the key!
Locking me up inside this cage.
Saying to protect me.
Who are you protecting me from?
Other people?
Or are you protecting them?
From having to look at me.
Please you have to understand,
I just a scared bird.
I just need somebody to unlock the cage,
Hold my hand and teach me how to
Fly
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Tuesday, 16 January 2018
Time for poem
Smile you say
They say you are strong
However there a fire
One that is hot to touch.
But it draws you near.
Until you are sucked in,
Can't escape the burns,
The hate,
The words
Ugly
Stupid
Week
Worthless
Not needed.
You know they right,
You try and hide it,
But you keep going back,
To the flames,
And there is no escape.
There are times where there is a fire in my brain in which I try and blank out and the fire does draw me in to where I believe that I am ugly, stupid, week, worthless and not needed. Due to these thought I have self harmed, nearly today. It always the same method burning my wrist on the stove.
It not something I want to do once I do it, but when I do it not me doing it. I do try and stop myself from doing it but sometimes I in so much pain that I can't think other wise.
They say you are strong
However there a fire
One that is hot to touch.
But it draws you near.
Until you are sucked in,
Can't escape the burns,
The hate,
The words
Ugly
Stupid
Week
Worthless
Not needed.
You know they right,
You try and hide it,
But you keep going back,
To the flames,
And there is no escape.
There are times where there is a fire in my brain in which I try and blank out and the fire does draw me in to where I believe that I am ugly, stupid, week, worthless and not needed. Due to these thought I have self harmed, nearly today. It always the same method burning my wrist on the stove.
It not something I want to do once I do it, but when I do it not me doing it. I do try and stop myself from doing it but sometimes I in so much pain that I can't think other wise.
Monday, 15 January 2018
Panic alarm
Today I went to see my somebody o basically try and get me out the house more often. One of the things because of where I live and some nights I have to walk back quiet late. Even though it like 7pm but round my area that time onwards for a female isn't safe. So she for me a Panic alarm.
However she asked the police if there any chance I could be given one, because of where I am living I am high risk. However their response was we only give them to victims of crime which is stupid in my opinion. Half of the victims wouldn't be victims if they had a panic alarm on them.
Anyway I asked for a Blue one. Even though I was told that they mainly in pink... I was like that sooo sexist. So I decided to be annoying and asked for a blue one. Anyway I like blue, like come on my favorite colour is Turquoise. I said of not blue then black, I'm so not having pink.
For the rest of the day it was avoiding snacking and eating much. Ad I don't have much in my kitchen, basically it a dessert with like a cactus or two. But at the moment I just hope the money go through tomorrow, because you never know when and if the money going in with this government.
Like there people out there who basically abuse the benefit system, and they don't do anything about it. But then they have to cut on how much people can get for benefits. Then that means the people who really need the money struggle with paying rent and get food in that will least them long enough till next pay day.
Anyway rent over.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny
However she asked the police if there any chance I could be given one, because of where I am living I am high risk. However their response was we only give them to victims of crime which is stupid in my opinion. Half of the victims wouldn't be victims if they had a panic alarm on them.
Anyway I asked for a Blue one. Even though I was told that they mainly in pink... I was like that sooo sexist. So I decided to be annoying and asked for a blue one. Anyway I like blue, like come on my favorite colour is Turquoise. I said of not blue then black, I'm so not having pink.
For the rest of the day it was avoiding snacking and eating much. Ad I don't have much in my kitchen, basically it a dessert with like a cactus or two. But at the moment I just hope the money go through tomorrow, because you never know when and if the money going in with this government.
Like there people out there who basically abuse the benefit system, and they don't do anything about it. But then they have to cut on how much people can get for benefits. Then that means the people who really need the money struggle with paying rent and get food in that will least them long enough till next pay day.
Anyway rent over.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny
Sunday, 14 January 2018
Church and YouTube
Today I chilled out for the morning as I was super tried and needed to catch up on sleep, as I had to get up early the past couple of days and haven't had much sleep due to it.
About 3:30pm I headed down to Hope City church for the 5pm. Before you ask it takes me aboard 45 minuets to get to and from Hope City do I need to get there with enough time to at least say Hello to all my friends and find a seat.
Today service was about facing you fears and that we just need to do it and not wait till you not scared of it anymore. Yeah right like I am so not going to do anything that involves jumping and heights. Unless the height involves me being in a plane to a hot country, and jumping, I will be only be jumping for joy for when ETAJ goes on Tour and go to Leicester and to it home town of Sheffield. It will one day. It just have to go to Leicester and Sheffield. It just wrong if it doesn't.
Anyway when I got back at half 7pm I made myself some dinner and watched a couple of YouTube videos by Chris Villain. If you don't know who he is. He a an amazing cosplayer and singer from LA. He creates a lot of music videos as well as cosplays. He done vlogs with his friend, Tyler, Dre and Leo Camacho to name a few.
I've been a fan of his ad been following his work since late 2015 and he never seams to fail on making me laugh. Also he a very few youtubers where they will open his fan mail and post his response on camera.
Anyway it getting late now.
Goodnight
Love you
Zanny xx
About 3:30pm I headed down to Hope City church for the 5pm. Before you ask it takes me aboard 45 minuets to get to and from Hope City do I need to get there with enough time to at least say Hello to all my friends and find a seat.
Today service was about facing you fears and that we just need to do it and not wait till you not scared of it anymore. Yeah right like I am so not going to do anything that involves jumping and heights. Unless the height involves me being in a plane to a hot country, and jumping, I will be only be jumping for joy for when ETAJ goes on Tour and go to Leicester and to it home town of Sheffield. It will one day. It just have to go to Leicester and Sheffield. It just wrong if it doesn't.
Anyway when I got back at half 7pm I made myself some dinner and watched a couple of YouTube videos by Chris Villain. If you don't know who he is. He a an amazing cosplayer and singer from LA. He creates a lot of music videos as well as cosplays. He done vlogs with his friend, Tyler, Dre and Leo Camacho to name a few.
I've been a fan of his ad been following his work since late 2015 and he never seams to fail on making me laugh. Also he a very few youtubers where they will open his fan mail and post his response on camera.
Anyway it getting late now.
Goodnight
Love you
Zanny xx
Thursday, 11 January 2018
Hard times
Stay strong, they say. However getting closer and closer to the 24th I can feel the pain of grief and the anger of guilt inside I shouldn't posses, grows.
It not easy going around town, seeing my friends and have a smile on my face, when right now it feels like a knife cutting inside my skin. Keeping on reminding me that my friends and flatmate death coming up.
It just shouldn't of been possible that a 21 year old perfectly healthy to just die. The worst thing for me, that all that we know. Nobody kept us informed.
I was so confused on that day, as I was the only person in the flat, feet away. Our rooms was right next to each other. Then I had to sit in the reception area for about 3 hours sitting quietly. Now and then getting questioned still unknown what happened.. My other flatmate was at university. When they moved me to a new flat about 4pm they told me on my own. I had nobody. All I remembered that they day about 10am.
On the 24th going to be so hard, to be honest... I don't know if or how I will cope. I hope I will cope because I know that she will. She was such a confident, funny, smart girl.
Anyway I better say goodnight
Love you
Zanny xx
It not easy going around town, seeing my friends and have a smile on my face, when right now it feels like a knife cutting inside my skin. Keeping on reminding me that my friends and flatmate death coming up.
It just shouldn't of been possible that a 21 year old perfectly healthy to just die. The worst thing for me, that all that we know. Nobody kept us informed.
I was so confused on that day, as I was the only person in the flat, feet away. Our rooms was right next to each other. Then I had to sit in the reception area for about 3 hours sitting quietly. Now and then getting questioned still unknown what happened.. My other flatmate was at university. When they moved me to a new flat about 4pm they told me on my own. I had nobody. All I remembered that they day about 10am.
On the 24th going to be so hard, to be honest... I don't know if or how I will cope. I hope I will cope because I know that she will. She was such a confident, funny, smart girl.
Anyway I better say goodnight
Love you
Zanny xx
Wednesday, 10 January 2018
Body Shaming
I got the idea of today's blog from a friend of fine from high school. Now it not a easy subject to talk about but we all has to talk about.
For me, my shame are the scars that I bare on my body. I feel it a daily reminder of how ugly I am. As well as how Ill I am. The first scar is on the left side of my face which I got when I was five from my neighbors jack russle. It not the most beautiful of scars, and every time I look in the mirror it a remainder.
The second scar is on my left arm there to many to count, but when I was about 12 I developed these wired spots on my arm and the side of my stomach. At first the family doctor who I had since I was 10 months old, thought it was an allergic reaction to a bag, as it didn't show to I've got the bag, so we brought another bag but it didn't slow down. More and more spots showed.
So a couple of test later, it showed up as like a disorder of my red blood cells. I can't remembered the name of the disorder. The doctor recommended freezing them of and I said yes right away, because I was getting really badly bullied for them. However it started to calm down, but the ones that on my arms will always reminds me of them, and for me I have to hide my arms in fear of the torments of other people. I know silly. As well from that day I never been 100% well. However I am thankful I don't have to to the hospital for it or take medicine.
These scars are physical scars in which I have to deal with everyday.
Anyway goodnight everybody.
Love you.
Zanny xx
For me, my shame are the scars that I bare on my body. I feel it a daily reminder of how ugly I am. As well as how Ill I am. The first scar is on the left side of my face which I got when I was five from my neighbors jack russle. It not the most beautiful of scars, and every time I look in the mirror it a remainder.
The second scar is on my left arm there to many to count, but when I was about 12 I developed these wired spots on my arm and the side of my stomach. At first the family doctor who I had since I was 10 months old, thought it was an allergic reaction to a bag, as it didn't show to I've got the bag, so we brought another bag but it didn't slow down. More and more spots showed.
So a couple of test later, it showed up as like a disorder of my red blood cells. I can't remembered the name of the disorder. The doctor recommended freezing them of and I said yes right away, because I was getting really badly bullied for them. However it started to calm down, but the ones that on my arms will always reminds me of them, and for me I have to hide my arms in fear of the torments of other people. I know silly. As well from that day I never been 100% well. However I am thankful I don't have to to the hospital for it or take medicine.
These scars are physical scars in which I have to deal with everyday.
Anyway goodnight everybody.
Love you.
Zanny xx
Tuesday, 9 January 2018
Tuesday with crisis
Today, the charity Crisis Spotlight who are homeless or classed as homeless due to the situation there in for example for me loving in a hostel for Vulnerable women.
This charity helps homeless people to move into long term housing, by building confidence in creative areas, or life skills. Alongside this they help people to find home by giving them a housing couch if they want.
For me I mainly to find confidence by being creative. So today, I did word Art, where we rewrote the classic song that we all sing every New year. As we explained how neither really know the words apart for one or two bits ad then we make up the rest.
Then I carried on doing a cupcake that I am doing out of stained glass. It is hard. As I was doing that my brother Robin showed his face, and we caught up as I think the last time I saw him was before I moved to Sheffield in 2016. It was nice to see him again.
Then it was writing for fun where we had to write a dairy entry every week. You had yo pick a pre-made character, a description, and a goal. I was given a Artist, who terminally I'll who want to lose their Virginaty.
Yeah before you say anything I had to go there. Haven't yet completed it yet. So there still the who losing his virginity. To make it harder, it was set in another time and it couldn't be set in Sheffield. So I chose, 1997 Orlando, Florida. I NEVER BEEN TO THE USA let alone Orlando.
Oh well.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
This charity helps homeless people to move into long term housing, by building confidence in creative areas, or life skills. Alongside this they help people to find home by giving them a housing couch if they want.
For me I mainly to find confidence by being creative. So today, I did word Art, where we rewrote the classic song that we all sing every New year. As we explained how neither really know the words apart for one or two bits ad then we make up the rest.
Then I carried on doing a cupcake that I am doing out of stained glass. It is hard. As I was doing that my brother Robin showed his face, and we caught up as I think the last time I saw him was before I moved to Sheffield in 2016. It was nice to see him again.
Then it was writing for fun where we had to write a dairy entry every week. You had yo pick a pre-made character, a description, and a goal. I was given a Artist, who terminally I'll who want to lose their Virginaty.
Yeah before you say anything I had to go there. Haven't yet completed it yet. So there still the who losing his virginity. To make it harder, it was set in another time and it couldn't be set in Sheffield. So I chose, 1997 Orlando, Florida. I NEVER BEEN TO THE USA let alone Orlando.
Oh well.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Monday, 8 January 2018
Time flies
A month today. On the 8th of February, I was introduced to a star, a superstar. The Beyonce of Sheffield which is Jamie New and the world of everybody talking about Jamie.
I honestly can't believe how far they came in less then a year. I am so blessed to see it grow to the beauty what it is. I knew from the night when I first saw it, that it was going to hit the west end stage. It not hitting it softly, it making an explosion. One that sooo big we going to have after shock for years to come.
It a musical that will in generation to come have people crying, laughing and smiling for days. I know that in 10 years time, when tickets will be sold out within the first hour, that I can proudly say..... I was there.
Not just 10. 20, 30,40,50+. It going to be an ageless classic.
Just love everybody who is involved. Tom, Dan, Jonathan and all the cast of ETAJ you are all superstar, and the Jamie family wouldn't be the same without you.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
I honestly can't believe how far they came in less then a year. I am so blessed to see it grow to the beauty what it is. I knew from the night when I first saw it, that it was going to hit the west end stage. It not hitting it softly, it making an explosion. One that sooo big we going to have after shock for years to come.
It a musical that will in generation to come have people crying, laughing and smiling for days. I know that in 10 years time, when tickets will be sold out within the first hour, that I can proudly say..... I was there.
Not just 10. 20, 30,40,50+. It going to be an ageless classic.
Just love everybody who is involved. Tom, Dan, Jonathan and all the cast of ETAJ you are all superstar, and the Jamie family wouldn't be the same without you.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Sunday, 7 January 2018
Church, Lunch and Dolly!!
Today I went to the morning service at Hope City Church. Wishing everybody a Happy New Year as it was the first time I seen them in 2018. Also say hello to a few friends who I haven't seen for a couple of weeks because they was in their home city celebrating Christmas and welcoming 2018.
After that me and a friend of mine from church went to Muradukes. Which is a cute little café near the Crucible theatre in Sheffield for son lunch. This café was introduced to me by another friend of mine called Zo. If you haven't heard her sing you been missing out, she got a beautiful singing voice and have a heart of gold.
Anyway me and this was laughing and being wried well us on the way to the café, and at the place. Talking about smarties, food, guys, musicals, our dreams, and also some serious topics like how we coping or coped with our Depression and fear.
This girl her name is Eunice. She gets me, like we bounded over a small tub of Smarties. Like anybody who knows that the why to my heart is through chocolate.
Anyway I wish you a very goodnight sleep.
Love you
Zanny xx
P.s I have finished my Owl his name is Tom...
After that me and a friend of mine from church went to Muradukes. Which is a cute little café near the Crucible theatre in Sheffield for son lunch. This café was introduced to me by another friend of mine called Zo. If you haven't heard her sing you been missing out, she got a beautiful singing voice and have a heart of gold.
Anyway me and this was laughing and being wried well us on the way to the café, and at the place. Talking about smarties, food, guys, musicals, our dreams, and also some serious topics like how we coping or coped with our Depression and fear.
This girl her name is Eunice. She gets me, like we bounded over a small tub of Smarties. Like anybody who knows that the why to my heart is through chocolate.
Anyway I wish you a very goodnight sleep.
Love you
Zanny xx
P.s I have finished my Owl his name is Tom...
Saturday, 6 January 2018
Happy birthday Robin
I would love to give a massive Happy Birthday to my brother Robin. I'm not going to say your age but I hoping you are enjoying your early 30's.
I know we not biological brother and sister just cousins but you been there just like a big brother should. You helped me in times of need and I couldn't of asked for a better bigger brother then you.
You have alright taste in music growing up, greenday, the darkness, and some others. We also love watched so epic TV shows growing up, like teenage mutant ninja Turtle and Power Rangers.
You took me to London for my 12th birthday, brought me ticket to see Hello Dolly! At the Curve Theater. So seeing you grow in an amazing man you are is just amazing.
Love you Robin
Zanny xx
I know we not biological brother and sister just cousins but you been there just like a big brother should. You helped me in times of need and I couldn't of asked for a better bigger brother then you.
You have alright taste in music growing up, greenday, the darkness, and some others. We also love watched so epic TV shows growing up, like teenage mutant ninja Turtle and Power Rangers.
You took me to London for my 12th birthday, brought me ticket to see Hello Dolly! At the Curve Theater. So seeing you grow in an amazing man you are is just amazing.
Love you Robin
Zanny xx
Friday, 5 January 2018
Laughs and colouring
First of before you say anything I wasn't planning to stay up that late it just happened. Anyway I was about to go bed at 12:30am when I heard something in the building, and curiosity got the better of me and I went to investigate what the nose was.
It was a member of staff at my place taking down the Christmas tree at 12:30 in the MORNING!! The same member of staff that asked if I ever thought about writing a script. I think they going a bit mad like me writing a script...... About what, and it be a rubbish script. I'm not creative enough to write a script.
Anyway I decided to help out because I thought it was unfair that they asked her to take a Christmas tree down as she doesn't celebrate Christmas she doesn't know how to put up or take down a tree.
The lights were a killer, it took two people 35 mineuts to take down lights what should normally no longer then 10 mineuts. Then as we finishing we noticed it was wobbling, to then find out that one of it legs was WOODEN! a fake tree with a wooden leg.
After that I went bed and chilled out all day when I woke up. Did some colouring in a colouring book I got for Christmas. I started an owl. Still some more to go, but I think he getting some personality in him.
It was a member of staff at my place taking down the Christmas tree at 12:30 in the MORNING!! The same member of staff that asked if I ever thought about writing a script. I think they going a bit mad like me writing a script...... About what, and it be a rubbish script. I'm not creative enough to write a script.
Anyway I decided to help out because I thought it was unfair that they asked her to take a Christmas tree down as she doesn't celebrate Christmas she doesn't know how to put up or take down a tree.
The lights were a killer, it took two people 35 mineuts to take down lights what should normally no longer then 10 mineuts. Then as we finishing we noticed it was wobbling, to then find out that one of it legs was WOODEN! a fake tree with a wooden leg.
After that I went bed and chilled out all day when I woke up. Did some colouring in a colouring book I got for Christmas. I started an owl. Still some more to go, but I think he getting some personality in him.
What do you think? I know the quality of picture isn't great but it the best I can give you. I going to do a bit more tomorrow.
Anyway goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Thursday, 4 January 2018
Quite day but reflecting on 2017
Especially with Everybody talking about Jamie. Which even reading the book of the script makes me want to cry. The storyline, the characters, the reason I first was introduced to the musical, the songs, and best thing is the friendship I made with everybody in the show at the creative time.
Today I made a little poster with song lyrics from a couple of songs, so when I feeling super down and feel like I'm on my last leg. I can look up to that, and be remained of Jamie and "what would Loco Channel do?"
Also a lot of my friends been saying how strong I was in 2017, but in all fairness you guys were my rock, if I didn't have any of my friends, then like 200% I wouldn't of welcomed 2018 in.
I had next to no more then likely no self esteem or worth. Lot of anger, and guilt inside of me. Even though I am working on those and trying to find the beauty within me and see myself as beautiful (even though I know you all need glasses to that as I don't see it). It is getting better really slowly.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Wednesday, 3 January 2018
Poem
Lost
Home
Family
Home is where my family at.
Yet there a part of me saying,
"You not welcome here.*
Running around.
Trying to find someone to say.
Those three words.
Those magical words to say you are safe. The
" You are home." And "we love you."
Where I can sit down without worry.
About what tomorrow might bring.
Where we can watch our favorite shows,
Eat our favorite meals together.
Maybe one day I can have that,
Only now I can dream my home.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Home
Family
Home is where my family at.
Yet there a part of me saying,
"You not welcome here.*
Running around.
Trying to find someone to say.
Those three words.
Those magical words to say you are safe. The
" You are home." And "we love you."
Where I can sit down without worry.
About what tomorrow might bring.
Where we can watch our favorite shows,
Eat our favorite meals together.
Maybe one day I can have that,
Only now I can dream my home.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Tuesday, 2 January 2018
New blog, but the same
Hello and welcome to Zanny's life. You might be wondering why the new blog. Well long story short, the internet is rubbish, and try using a rubbish internet when at the busiest 16/17 people are using it.
I know hatic hey. Well it not going bed stop me to writing my blog. However even though I am going to push through the sad and pain, this month of January isn't easy for me. Especially on the 24th, due to the fact that it will be my flat mate and friend, 1 year Anniversary since she was found dead in her room, feet away from were I was sitting on my bed.
So even though I am going to try, I am can't promise that the post that day will be any good or if there be one. The worst thing was sh was 21 when she passed away.
I going to be strong though, as I know that she wouldn't want me to be upset, angry or lonely on that day. She would want me to be happy and she want me to spend it with my friends.
I just don't want to tell my key worker about her anniversary coming up, as I don't want her or any other staff at the place I am living, because then it going to be a lot harder to cope.
Anyway, I went clothes shopping, and got a nice dress from Primark near the Moor Market in Sheffield. It long sleeved which for me is a place because I hate my arms well showing the scars on my arms and I always hide them.
Time for me to get ready for bed so goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
I know hatic hey. Well it not going bed stop me to writing my blog. However even though I am going to push through the sad and pain, this month of January isn't easy for me. Especially on the 24th, due to the fact that it will be my flat mate and friend, 1 year Anniversary since she was found dead in her room, feet away from were I was sitting on my bed.
So even though I am going to try, I am can't promise that the post that day will be any good or if there be one. The worst thing was sh was 21 when she passed away.
I going to be strong though, as I know that she wouldn't want me to be upset, angry or lonely on that day. She would want me to be happy and she want me to spend it with my friends.
I just don't want to tell my key worker about her anniversary coming up, as I don't want her or any other staff at the place I am living, because then it going to be a lot harder to cope.
Anyway, I went clothes shopping, and got a nice dress from Primark near the Moor Market in Sheffield. It long sleeved which for me is a place because I hate my arms well showing the scars on my arms and I always hide them.
Time for me to get ready for bed so goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
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