Letting it off my chest

Even though I feel better today I still feel like there isn't any hope for tomorrow, and that I better just end it. I think it due how today in counseling I talked about an event what happened when I was 14 years old. Talking about it made me feel worthless and ashamed that it happened.

I thought I better come clean about it, hoping that by talking about this event will give a better understanding of who I am. When I was 14 I helped at two clubs both of which are for people with special needs. One on Monday for adults and then on Thursdays for youth.

At the Monday club there a man who at the times in his late 40's, early 50's and from that day he started following me everywhere, he would get me gift, even though he wasn't allowed, and I wasn't allowed to accept them. He was trying to touch me every single time and flirt with me.

The only person who sense something was up was my brother Robin, when one Thursday he showed up the youth club. At this point I stop helping at the clubs because I didn't feel safe, and I didn't know who I could talk to. My auntie could see it happening as she was running both clubs but she didn't anything about it.

Even though after I stopped helping out, he found out where I lived and started to ask if he can come round and hang out, when he knew I was only one in. I got to the point where I stopped answering the door. Thanksgiving after a while he stopped knocking. However it was the scariest year I had.

To this day I didn't tell anyone of what happened not even my friends or family. In fear of being judge. But I needed to get it off my chest because I can't keep in anymore, it too emotional.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Body Shaming

I got the idea of today's blog from a friend of fine from high school. Now it not a easy subject to talk about but we all has to talk about.

For me, my shame are the scars that I bare on my body. I feel it a daily reminder of how ugly I am. As well as how Ill I am. The first scar is on the left side of my face which I got when I was five from my neighbors jack russle. It not the most beautiful of scars, and every time I look in the mirror it a remainder.

The second scar is on my left arm there to many to count, but when I was about 12 I developed these wired spots on my arm and the side of my stomach. At first the family doctor who I had since I was 10 months old, thought it was an allergic reaction to a bag, as it didn't show to I've got the bag, so we brought another bag but it didn't slow down. More and more spots showed.

So a couple of test later, it showed up as like a disorder of my red blood cells. I can't remembered the name of the disorder. The doctor recommended freezing them of and I said yes right away, because I was getting really badly bullied for them. However it started to calm down, but the ones that on my arms will always reminds me of them, and for me I have to hide my arms in fear of the torments of other people. I know silly. As well from that day I never been 100% well. However I am thankful I don't have to to the hospital for it or take medicine.

These scars are physical scars in which I have to deal with everyday.

Anyway goodnight everybody.

Love you.

Zanny xx