Annoyed with life

I won't to give up life. I been trying to be strong. Like don't people understand what they are saying have an effect on people. Like I always been there for my older sister, a lot more then what I should, to then say I don't care for her and say a lot of horrible things about me to me. All because I said I'm currently busy and don't really have time at the moment to chat. Also then she got the nerve to bring up my full brother her half brother Jamie-lee and how her and our biological mum going to try and contact him. Like first he my brother I should have a say and second you not allowed to make contact with him he is 19.

To make things worse all my friends who are Partners in the vision of Hope city church, are all getting excited for the Partners Ball. Like great, I just about afford rent and food, how I meant to be able to afford a dress, a train ticket to Leads and back. Also to make it worse it starts at 6:30 pm. So by the time it really kicks off I will have to run home because doors close at midnight. Like my the only friends who I really see in Sheffield go to hope city church and there isn't many times where we can just party because I'm always running off home because of curfews or/and Money.

I can not take life any more, every time it looks like it going up everything fulls down at and hits me at once.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Mix emotions

Ten mineuts ago I found out that Mark Salling who became famous for playing Noah 'puck' puckerman has died, what they say as suspected suicide.

Now when Glee started I was 12 and in high school the perfect audience for Glee. I watched all 7 sessions of it, and I loved Puck. So I was surprised and sadden to here that a healthy 35 year old man died.

However at the same time I knew he pleeded guilty to holding more then 50,000 child pornography. So at the same time I am not sad.

So I have this conflicted emotions running through my mind of sound I be upset and be allowed to grief or should I just get on with my day. Like he did something really horrible, bit at the same time he confessed and was ready to face his sentence.

Like January isn't hard enough for me. Like I am not suffering for suicidal thoughts, like just as I thoughts things was looking up. This happened.

Sorry I have to go make myself a nice hot chocolate and cry myself to bed.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Today is a typically Monday for me I went to meet my advercote, where we just talked about ETAJ and that even though she is waiting for it to come back to Sheffield, she voted for them on the Whatsonstage awards. As she heard nothing but good things from me (not my words) she said if it ever does a film I better be an extra. I was like no way as I am not confident enough to be on camera even if it a shot of me walking, I rather be a runner.

When I was done I went to get a program on what's on at the crucible and Lyceum. Some good things, there Hairspray, Mamma Mia, Titanic, Fat friend's. All looking great.

Then I walked home, listen to music on Capital FM. Like always sexist comment I just learn to blank it out know. I know I shouldn't of have to blank it out, but it pitsmoor. I just trying not let it get to me, because when of does it make me feel like trash, and not of any importance.

That why I am trying to get home before it get too dark, because the sexist comment come out in full force when it dark. Especially if they see you coming out of my place because they know it for Valuable young women.

When I try to explain to people it just not safe  but they don't have to go through the comment every time they go out. Like come on I already have very little worth in myself. I don't need to be knocked anymore.

Anyway goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

Why does love always feel like a Battlefield

As I am writing this blog I have Jordan Sparks Battlefield. For my experience or lack of it I can personally say Love is like a Battlefield, you always fighting with it. Never really know if you winning, losing or if it a draw.

Sometimes I just wish there no such thing as love, but then again, without the magic of love then what the point of living. Also I love my friends, and even though I don't see them my family. With travel, money, me being busy and that my annoying hostel having a rule that I am not permitted to stay out more then 3 days a week and have to be back before midnight or I be locked out till 8am rules.

Anyway I only contacted here till the end of August anyway hopefully the next place is a little more free with the rules. So going to try and stay in Sheffield. I want to make Sheffield my home, but with being on Benefit I only can go where I can afford to go. Which sucks really.

Anyway I had to get up at 5:20 had four hours sleep, I'm hungry, but nothing edible in my kitchen till Tuesday. The government don't understand to live on the amount they give us isn't enough to buy enough food pay rent, and socialise at the same time.

 Like don't they understand what importance being social have. If I had no social life and spend on my money on food and rent then I will have serious mental health issue. Like I don't already have depression, suicidal thoughts and been acting on self harming.

Anyway goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx









P.s Vote for Everybody Talking about Jamie, in the 18th Anniversary of WhatsonStage Award. They deserve every single vote because they are beautiful and I owe them everything. So every chance I can say thank you I will take it no question about it.

Another poem

I know I have son a lot of poems of late but I can't really talk about what I'm going through with words. It just to emotional. I did promise to keep going. So here the poem.

An unopened Flower
A cocoon butterfly
Scared...
Waiting
Not knowing when it their turn
To walk in the sun
For their time to Shine.
"I can do this"
Then again
What if I can't.
I'm just a dead
I'm just a caterpillar.
Nothing worthy of your love.
A ugly
No good.
Someone who trapped
Locked in a cage
Who can't escape the fear.
The war inside them.









That all I can managed today without my ears watering with tears. Thank for reading it.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Facebook q&a

If you guys got Facebook then you know it get a new feature where they ask some basic Q&A styled question. So I thought I better give you my answer to some of them.

1. What is your dream holiday? It has to go to New York from the age of 13 years old I always wanted to go. To see Empire State building, Statue of Liberty and go to see a show on Broadway. One day hopefully I will go.
2. How many countries have your visited? I been to five different countries, Spain x3, Greece x 3, Turkey, Malta and Tanzania.
3. Between Earth, Fire, Air and water, the element I identity myself with is..... Water because I love connecting with people and the thing that connect countries is water.
4. In the shower I like to sing.. Flying the Flag.
5. I wish I could speak... Greek.
6. Between coffee and dessert it would be harder to give up... Dessert as I don't like coffee. I don't like the smell
7. One of the beloved toys from my childhood was.. A stuffed Husky called Daniel. I just love him, I just didn't go to bed without him. Sadly he no longer with me.
8. If I could live on any film set it would be.. Beauty and the Beast.
9. If I could choose any job imaginable I would want to be a film editor, as I just love watching how the film come together and seeing how much hard work everybody put into producing something that can Gert other people imagination going.
10. Between dogs and cats I prefer, Dogs. Even though I loved my Thelma and Louise but if I had to pick one I would go for a dog.
11. My biggest Treasure is my Everybody talking about Jamie signed program, and the script and the concept album. As they mean so much to me. 
12. If you know me, you will give me.. Chocolate. Enough sad.
13. The album that always put me in a good mood is Everybody talking about Jamie Concept album.
14. If I could face my fears or forget them I'd rather.. Face them then you become a bigger person.
15. One of the best thing in my life is ..... My friends that I made they always put a smile on my face and always I don't know how make me laugh.

That all for now

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Hello guys. First of let me say sorry for no blog yesterday. I wanted to celebrate and remember my flatmate and friend without worrying about finding the strength to write a blog.

Hopefully now the one year to myself. Then again I am odd and to be fair do we fully stop grieving. Like I still miss my dad and it been nearly 20 years since he passed away.

I personally think that it shouldn't about feeling sorry that they are gone, it should be a celebration of their life and trying to remember the good time that you created.

I remember with my friend I just remember how we just sit in the lounge area and watch films. We always had a good time. The first film we watch together was Frozen.

It just now strange now to listen to BBC Radio Sheffield as we used to live opposite there, so I don't really listen to it that often now. As well as I don't like walking pass home fundraising office, ad we both work there.

I will truly miss her, but I know she want me to carry on and be happy.

Anyway goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Cupcake and trying to stay postive

Today as always I went to session which I  go on a Tuesday. I thought I really need to get out of the house, and trying to keep myself going, as I normally have a laugh there. Which I did and they did a great job as they understood that this week isn't a great week, so they made sure I am alright and make me laugh now and then.

I finally done my Jamie inspired cupcake in stained glass art. It was super hard to complete. The hardest part for the cherry and the hooks too put the chain on because of how small they are. I am pleased on how it look. 

Next week I will be starting a cup of tea. That if the lady can find the right colours for me to do them. Which because I love blue, well more turquoise but it the wrong sort of glass, because it see through. But blue is close enough. Also brown hopefully light brown as I don't like strong tea.

Sorry for the Quality for the past couple of day please keep with me. I love all of you, and thankful that you are all here for me. It just hard at the moment to see it.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Not coping

This Wensday will mark the one year annihilated of my friend/flatmate death, and to be honest for the past year. I've been trying to be strong and put a smile on my face when I feel like hell is being released inside of me and I have nobody to talk to.

I feel lost, alone and scared about my life and what in store for me. I have basically got no plan, I live in a hostel, where it isn't safe to walk outside anytime and everybody is too busy to talk to.

I am too drained just keep on fighting anymore. I wish I can but my walls have finally fallen. I honestly don't know how I going to rebuild this wall.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny

Look at me
Mock me
That where you are here
And thrown away the key!
Locking me up inside this cage.
Saying to protect me.
Who are you protecting me from?
Other people?
Or are you protecting them?
From having to look at me.
Please you have to understand,
I just a scared bird.
I just need somebody to unlock the cage,
Hold my hand and teach me how to
Fly



Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Bunch with my friends

Today me and two of my good friends Jess Smith and Becky Webb went for bunch at The Holt. It so cute, and it so cool even though I'm not a vegetarian but there was a really good selection of Vegetarian and Vegan option. As I had a voucher and I was entitled to two sweet treat and I had this mouth watering lemon and ginger cake, which was vegan friendly. It was one of thous cakes that once you had it you wished you saved it for later, but then you can't help eating it.

After that I went and had a cup of tea in the crucible theatre café, and wrote a bit of a story while I waited for a show to finished as I really wanted to get Jack Ashton who plays Tom in Call the Midwife, and I a massive call the midwife and wanted to get his autograph before he leaves. After waiting about six hours, I finally got his autograph. My toes was about to full off. Either way it was worth me being freezing cold.

When I got home I warmed myself up, and put on nine lives on. Which I got on Thursday, alongside the new footloose. I watched Footloose yesterday, even though it good it nothing amazing, but I can't compare to the original because I never seen it. Then again I probably won't because I don't like Kevan. I only seen the 2017 tour of it when it came to Sheffield and that was mind blowing.

However in some shots I thought the guy who plays Ren looked a lot like Luke Baker, it probably because I mat the person who run the Jamie Twitter fan account and was listening to the Jamie concept album. Then knowing Luke been in footloose. Ohh never mind I think my mind going mad but then I always mad then nothing new.

Anyway goodnight

Love you

Zanny xx

Life without a father

People always ask about you
Asking,
Who was he,
What was he like?
It must be hard?
Yes it been hard,
Not knowing the


Answers.


He was gone before I can say
Hi
But all I can say is
Goodbye.

He missed me growing up.
First steps,
First words.
He wasn't there.
Six feet under where he was.

How can I cope
when all I want to say
"I want my dad."
Feeling lost, scared and alone,
But can't ask
"where is my dad?"



These are the thoughts that been running through my head when people always asked about it being hard not knowing my dad and not having a father like figure growing up.

With the hard time coming up, I don't have any family in which I can call with some family living in a different country. It going to be a super hard week without a mother or a father like figure to just give me a hug.

Anyway goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Acting and coactive

Today I went to theatre skills where we did a little bit of Macbeth. Where I had to play out Lady Macbeth. Macbeth isn't my favorite Shakespeare play. I guess in terms of something that everybody knows then it a classic. We did that for 5 hours.

After that I went to the first Coactive at Hope City Church. Before it was known as Creative. Today in Boardcast we talked about creating lyric videos for the worship videos for a Sunday Service. Which is cool. It not something I am interested in doing. However in the long run it will be useful in helping me reach my dream Job of being a film editor as I don't really have access to film equipment outside of church I have to grab all the chance I can lay my hands on.

I know it a sort post but this is how much emotionally can write.

Goodnight

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Hello guys first of let me say sorry for how late my post is. I got in like half an hour ago when I start writing this. However this post I want to say that even through I will try, that this week coming up to the 24th I can't promise that will be much of a post or even will be post.

I will give it everything I can even if it a poem  like I know the poems are not great, but it better then nothing, but please bare with me in these sensitive time.

The suicidal thoughts are getting harder to blank out, at the end of the day I am an emotional rack that I too tried to do anything.

Anyway this is all I have energy for. I am sorry about that.

Goodnight

Love you

Zanny

Time for poem

Smile you say
They say you are strong
However there a fire
One that is hot to touch.
But it draws you near.
Until you are sucked in,
Can't escape the burns,
The hate,
The words
Ugly
Stupid
Week
Worthless
Not needed.
You know they right,
You try and hide it,
But you keep going back,
To the flames,
And there is no escape.

There are times where there is a fire in my brain in which I try and blank out and the fire does draw me in to where I believe that I am ugly, stupid, week, worthless and not needed. Due to these thought I have self harmed, nearly today. It always the same method burning my wrist on the stove.

It not something I want to do once I do it, but when I do it not me doing it.  I do try and stop myself from doing it but sometimes I in so much pain that I can't think other wise.

Panic alarm

Today I went to see my somebody o basically try and get me out the house more often. One of the things because of where I live and some nights I have to walk back quiet late. Even though it like 7pm but round my area that time onwards for a female isn't safe. So she for me a Panic alarm.

However she asked the police if there any chance I could be given one, because of where I am living I am high risk. However their response was we only give them to victims of crime which is stupid in my opinion. Half of the victims wouldn't be victims if they had a panic alarm on them.

Anyway I asked for a Blue one. Even though I was told that they mainly in pink... I was like that sooo sexist. So I decided to be annoying and asked for a blue one. Anyway I like blue, like come on my favorite colour is Turquoise. I said of not blue then black, I'm so not having pink.

For the rest of the day it was avoiding snacking and eating much. Ad I don't have much in my kitchen, basically it a dessert with like a cactus or two. But at the moment I just hope the money go through tomorrow, because you never know when and if the money going in with this government.

Like there people out there who basically abuse the benefit system, and they don't do anything about it. But then they have to cut on how much people can get for benefits. Then that means the people who really need the money struggle with paying rent and get food in that will least them long enough till next pay day.

Anyway rent over.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny

Church and YouTube

Today I chilled out for the morning as I was super tried and needed to catch up on sleep, as I had to get up early the past couple of days and haven't had much sleep due to it.

About 3:30pm I headed down to Hope City church for the 5pm. Before you ask it takes me aboard 45 minuets to get to and from Hope City do I need to get there with enough time to at least say Hello to all my friends and find a seat.

Today service was about facing you fears and that we just need to do it and not wait till you not scared of it anymore. Yeah right like I am so not going to do anything that involves jumping and heights.  Unless the height involves me being in a plane to a hot country, and jumping, I will be only be jumping for joy for when ETAJ goes on Tour and go to Leicester and to it home town of Sheffield. It will one day. It just have to go to Leicester and Sheffield. It just wrong if it doesn't.

Anyway when I got back at half 7pm I made myself some dinner and watched a couple of YouTube videos by Chris Villain. If you don't know who he is. He a an amazing cosplayer and singer from LA. He creates a lot of music videos as well as cosplays. He done vlogs with his friend, Tyler, Dre and Leo Camacho to name a few.

I've been a fan of his ad been following his work since late 2015 and he never seams to fail on making me laugh. Also he a very few youtubers where they will open his fan mail and post his response on camera.

Anyway it getting late now.

Goodnight

Love you

Zanny xx

Writing a story

On Tuesday I did word Art and the person who leads said that he is impressed how every single task that he throw at me, how easy it is for me to create a back story for the characters.

I guess with every story there is a back story to it, but I'm not that great at conveying their back story into one story. I am trying (won't be any good through) to write a story about a girl called Missy. Who is a very shy girl, who is in her last year of A-Levels. She only have one friend called Lucas. For a couple of night she been having the same dream, over and over again of travel, knights, royal families and swordfighting. She always wake up before she kills anyone.

Anyway that all I got for her back story. There still a lot of work to do to it. Like who her parents are, how was her childhood. Does we has any siblings, but I think that will come in time when I write more of the story.

Now just wondering who to have brunch with at the Holt in Sheffield because I was given a voucher for two brunches there and it is valid until the 3rd of February.  I know not long.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Song for these time

I thought with what coming up I would pick 10 songs that either a song that will make me dance like nobody watching or a song that have a deeper meaning for me at least and reminds me that I won't lose this battle.

Then 10 songs are:

1. If I was a boy - Beyoncé
2. Who know - Pink
3. Bad Day - Daniel Poster
4. A thousand Miles - Venessa Curlton
5. I wish I was a punk rocker (With flowers in my hair) Sandi Thon
6. Party in the USA - Miley Cyrus
7. Fireflies - Owl City
8. Who says - Selena Gomez
9. Hurricane - Bridget Medler
10.  Carry on - Olivia Holt.

All these songs have helped me to get though trough days because they either bring back good memories like I wish I was a punk rocker I remember me and my brother just loving this song when I was a kid. 

Then who says the lyrics just reminds me that I am beautiful for example you got "You for every right to a beautiful life.' And " I'm Mo beauty Queen, I'm just beautiful me." 

Different people will have different songs to help them cope. So im not saying these song will work for everybody, but if you ever feeling low. Give these a try.

Goodnight

Love you

Zanny

Hard times

Stay strong, they say. However getting closer and closer to the 24th I can feel the pain of grief and the anger of guilt inside I shouldn't posses, grows.

It not easy going around town, seeing my friends and have a smile on my face, when right now it feels like a knife cutting inside my skin. Keeping on reminding me that my friends and flatmate death coming up.

It just shouldn't of been possible that a 21 year old perfectly healthy to just die. The worst thing for me, that all that we know. Nobody kept us informed.

I was so confused on that day, as I was the only person in the flat, feet away. Our rooms was right next to each other. Then I had to sit in the reception area for about 3 hours sitting quietly. Now and then getting questioned still unknown what happened.. My other flatmate was at university. When they moved me to a new flat about 4pm they told me on my own. I had nobody. All I remembered that they day about 10am.

On the 24th going to be so hard, to be honest... I don't know if or how I will cope. I hope I will cope because I know that she will. She was such a confident, funny, smart girl.

Anyway I better say goodnight

Love you

Zanny xx

Body Shaming

I got the idea of today's blog from a friend of fine from high school. Now it not a easy subject to talk about but we all has to talk about.

For me, my shame are the scars that I bare on my body. I feel it a daily reminder of how ugly I am. As well as how Ill I am. The first scar is on the left side of my face which I got when I was five from my neighbors jack russle. It not the most beautiful of scars, and every time I look in the mirror it a remainder.

The second scar is on my left arm there to many to count, but when I was about 12 I developed these wired spots on my arm and the side of my stomach. At first the family doctor who I had since I was 10 months old, thought it was an allergic reaction to a bag, as it didn't show to I've got the bag, so we brought another bag but it didn't slow down. More and more spots showed.

So a couple of test later, it showed up as like a disorder of my red blood cells. I can't remembered the name of the disorder. The doctor recommended freezing them of and I said yes right away, because I was getting really badly bullied for them. However it started to calm down, but the ones that on my arms will always reminds me of them, and for me I have to hide my arms in fear of the torments of other people. I know silly. As well from that day I never been 100% well. However I am thankful I don't have to to the hospital for it or take medicine.

These scars are physical scars in which I have to deal with everyday.

Anyway goodnight everybody.

Love you.

Zanny xx

Tuesday with crisis

Today, the charity Crisis Spotlight who are homeless or classed as homeless due to the situation there in for example for me loving in a hostel for Vulnerable women.

This charity helps homeless people to move into long term housing, by building confidence in creative areas, or life skills. Alongside this they help people to find home by giving them a housing couch if they want.

For me I mainly to find confidence by being creative. So today, I did word Art, where we rewrote the classic song that we all sing every New year. As we explained how neither really know the words apart for one or two bits ad then we make up the rest.

Then I carried on doing a cupcake that I am doing out of stained glass. It is hard. As I was doing that my brother Robin showed his face, and we caught up as I think the last time I saw him was before I moved to Sheffield in 2016. It was nice to see him again.

Then it was writing for fun where we had to write a dairy entry every week. You had yo pick a pre-made character, a description, and a goal. I was given a Artist, who terminally I'll who want to lose their Virginaty.






















Yeah before you say anything I had to go there. Haven't yet completed it yet. So there still the who losing his virginity. To make it harder, it was set in another time and it couldn't be set in Sheffield. So I chose, 1997 Orlando, Florida. I NEVER BEEN TO THE USA let alone Orlando.

Oh well.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Time flies

A month today. On the 8th of February, I was introduced to a star, a superstar. The Beyonce of Sheffield which is Jamie New and the world of everybody talking about Jamie.

I honestly can't believe how far they came in less then a year. I am so blessed to see it grow to the beauty what it is. I knew from the night when I first saw it, that it was going to hit the west end stage. It not hitting it softly, it making an explosion. One that sooo big we going to have after shock for years to come.

It a musical that will in generation to come have people crying, laughing and smiling for days. I know that in 10 years time, when tickets will be sold out within the first hour, that I can proudly say..... I was there.

Not just 10. 20, 30,40,50+. It going to be an ageless classic.

Just love everybody who is involved. Tom, Dan, Jonathan and all the cast of ETAJ you are all superstar, and the Jamie family wouldn't be the same without you.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Church, Lunch and Dolly!!

Today I went to the morning service at Hope City Church. Wishing everybody a Happy New Year as it was the first time I seen them in 2018. Also say hello to a few friends who I haven't seen for a couple of weeks because they was in their home city celebrating Christmas and welcoming 2018.

After that me and a friend of mine from church went to Muradukes. Which is a cute little café near the Crucible theatre in Sheffield for son lunch. This café was introduced to me by another friend of mine called Zo. If you haven't heard her sing you been missing out, she got a beautiful singing voice and have a heart of gold.

Anyway me and this was laughing and being wried well us on the way to the café, and at the place. Talking about smarties, food, guys, musicals, our dreams, and also some serious topics like how we coping or coped with our Depression and fear.

This girl her name is Eunice. She gets me, like we bounded over a small tub of Smarties. Like anybody who knows that the why to my heart is through chocolate.

Anyway I wish you a very goodnight sleep.

Love you

Zanny xx

P.s I have finished my Owl his name is Tom...

Happy birthday Robin

I would love to give a massive Happy Birthday to my brother Robin. I'm not going to say your age but I hoping you are enjoying your early 30's.

I know we not biological brother and sister just cousins but you been there just like a big brother should. You helped me in times of need and I couldn't of asked for a better bigger brother then you.

You have alright taste in music growing up, greenday, the darkness, and some others. We also love watched so epic TV shows growing up, like teenage mutant ninja Turtle and Power Rangers.

You took me to London for my 12th birthday, brought me ticket to see Hello Dolly! At the Curve Theater. So seeing you grow in an amazing man you are is just amazing.

Love you Robin

Zanny xx

Laughs and colouring

First of before you say anything I wasn't planning to stay up that late it just happened. Anyway I was about to go bed at 12:30am when I heard something in the building, and curiosity got the better of me and I went to investigate what the nose was.

It was a member of staff at my place taking down the Christmas tree at 12:30 in the MORNING!! The same member of staff that asked if I ever thought about writing a script. I think they going a bit mad like me writing a script...... About what, and it be a rubbish script. I'm not creative enough to write a script.

Anyway I decided to help out because I thought it was unfair that they asked her to take a Christmas tree down as she doesn't celebrate Christmas she doesn't know how to put up or take down a tree.

The lights were a killer, it took two people 35 mineuts to take down lights what should normally no longer then 10 mineuts. Then as we finishing we noticed it was wobbling, to then find out that one of it legs was WOODEN! a fake tree with a wooden leg.

After that I went bed and chilled out all day when I woke up. Did some colouring in a colouring book I got for Christmas. I started an owl. Still some more to go, but I think he getting some personality in him.

What do you think? I know the quality of picture isn't great but it the best I can give you. I going to do a bit more tomorrow.

Anyway goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Quite day but reflecting on 2017

Well what a year 2017 was for me. Started of at the lowest point really. Despite this I wouldn't of gotten trough it without friends and also theatre. I couldn't help but smile at how much friendship I gained throughout 2017.

Especially with Everybody talking about Jamie. Which even reading the book of the script makes me want to cry. The storyline, the characters, the reason I first was introduced to the musical, the songs, and best thing is the friendship I made with everybody in the show at the creative time.

Today I made a little poster with song lyrics from a couple of songs, so when I feeling super down and feel like I'm on my last leg. I can look up to that, and be remained of Jamie and "what would Loco Channel do?"

Also a lot of my friends been saying how strong I was in 2017, but in all fairness you guys were my rock, if I didn't have any of my friends, then like 200% I wouldn't of welcomed 2018 in.

I had next to no more then likely no self esteem or worth. Lot of anger, and guilt inside of me. Even though I am working on those and trying to find the beauty within me and see myself as beautiful (even though I know you all need glasses to that as I don't see it). It is getting better really slowly.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Poem

Lost
Home
Family
Home is where my family at.
Yet there a part of me saying,
"You not welcome here.*
Running around.
Trying to find someone to say.
Those three words.
Those magical words to say you are safe. The
" You are home." And "we love you."
Where I can sit down without worry.
About what tomorrow might bring.
Where we can watch our favorite shows,
Eat our favorite meals together.
Maybe one day I can have that,
Only now I can dream my home.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

New blog, but the same

Hello and welcome to Zanny's life. You might be wondering why the new blog. Well long story short, the internet is rubbish, and try using a rubbish internet when at the busiest 16/17 people are using it.

I know hatic hey. Well it not going bed stop me to writing my blog. However even though I am going to push through the sad and pain, this month of January isn't easy for me. Especially on the 24th, due to the fact that it will be my flat mate and friend, 1 year Anniversary since she was found dead in her room, feet away from were I was sitting on my bed.

So even though I am going to try, I am can't promise that the post that day will be any good or if there be one. The worst thing was sh was 21 when she passed away.

I going to be strong though, as I know that she wouldn't want me to be upset, angry or lonely on that day. She would want me to be happy and she want me to spend it with my friends.

I just don't want to tell my key worker about her anniversary coming up, as I don't want her or any other staff at the place I am living, because then it going to be a lot harder to cope.

Anyway, I went clothes shopping, and got a nice dress from Primark near the Moor Market in Sheffield. It long sleeved which for me is a place because I hate my arms well showing the scars on my arms and I always hide them.

Time for me to get ready for bed so goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx