Well it still snowing, and I even had to walk through what seam like three inches of snow for would should be twenty minutes in good weather, so picture how long of took when snow was entering my trainers.
The thing was I didn't have any food in my cardboards, and I don't drive. So walking was my only option. So at least I have enough food to next week.
I made arrangement to meet my friend on Friday for coffee, which I am looking forward to but also really nervous about as I have feeling for, and have had them for about a year.
Oh my I can't believe that I putting them in a blog. I think I'm nervous about I never been on a date, never been in a relationship with anybody. Well even though I mainly asked if he want to go for coffee and hang out.
🙈🙈 I honestly can't believe I'm doing this. Wish me luck guys I need all the luck possible.
When I unpacked my food shopping I watched four episode of friends. So right now I'm a mess because Ross and Rachel split up but they so right for each other. They are amazing together.
Listening to Lovebug- Jonas Brothers
Wednesday 28 February 2018
Tuesday 27 February 2018
Beast from the East
It freezing, it cold. It snowing. They shouldn't call it Beast from the East as the snow is falling from all direction. I need to do food shopping as well as I have no food in until I do the shopping.
Well today I started a new piece in stained glass art today and it is a frame frame for a mirror, but the pieces I used are offcuts. However ten minutes into it. As I was breaking a bit of stained glass (the way I was taught.) I somehow cut my middle left finger, and how it bled. It been clean a couple of time. Once it stopped bleeding. I looked at it, it looks pretty bad, sore and all my knuckle is purple and slightly tender. However I can bend it without being in too much pain.
When I got home, I chilled out, and talked to a friend for a bit, before having a session with my key worker. She said if we can't find me anywhere then I have to go full independent living, and with ESA as my only income and in my mental state, I can't, it not an option.
So that on my mind about living situation. Like I want to be where all my friends are and near church as I don't drive. Plus I need to keep social as it good for my mental health, so if I don't get semi independent then I fear I go down hill again, and having to live in somewhere like where I am now and I don't want that.
Currently listening to- I like Enrique and Pitbull
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Well today I started a new piece in stained glass art today and it is a frame frame for a mirror, but the pieces I used are offcuts. However ten minutes into it. As I was breaking a bit of stained glass (the way I was taught.) I somehow cut my middle left finger, and how it bled. It been clean a couple of time. Once it stopped bleeding. I looked at it, it looks pretty bad, sore and all my knuckle is purple and slightly tender. However I can bend it without being in too much pain.
When I got home, I chilled out, and talked to a friend for a bit, before having a session with my key worker. She said if we can't find me anywhere then I have to go full independent living, and with ESA as my only income and in my mental state, I can't, it not an option.
So that on my mind about living situation. Like I want to be where all my friends are and near church as I don't drive. Plus I need to keep social as it good for my mental health, so if I don't get semi independent then I fear I go down hill again, and having to live in somewhere like where I am now and I don't want that.
Currently listening to- I like Enrique and Pitbull
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Monday 26 February 2018
In my heart.
In my heart
A dream is forming.
Of falling in love,
Dancing until the sunrise.
Dancing with the man
Who'll hold me tight.
My timid heart is scared.
Scared nobody will
Take my hand
Guide me under
The moonlight.
Then again
I can boogie
Boogie if I want to.
Until my feet bleed.
If a man want me
Then he got to
Boogie some more.
A man who
Make me laugh
Sing with joy.
A man who I can't stop
Thinking about.
A dream is forming.
Of falling in love,
Dancing until the sunrise.
Dancing with the man
Who'll hold me tight.
My timid heart is scared.
Scared nobody will
Take my hand
Guide me under
The moonlight.
Then again
I can boogie
Boogie if I want to.
Until my feet bleed.
If a man want me
Then he got to
Boogie some more.
A man who
Make me laugh
Sing with joy.
A man who I can't stop
Thinking about.
Sunday 25 February 2018
Congrets
I would first like to say congratulations to Lucie Shorthouse and John McCrea winning the best supporting Actress and Best Actor for Everybody Talking about Jamie. To top it off well done for the Jamie family. You guys are truly epic, and truly deserve it. There are very few chances somebody can say how much you guys mean to them, and mean it more then just as a fan level.
You guys have shown me such kindness. Reminding me how important I am. You welcomed with an open arm to the Jamie family. So when I read the news I celebrated like I was right there celebrating with you.
Anyway I had a pretty chilled day. For the morning I chilled out. Then I set off at 10 to 2 to go to Church as I was at broadcast team and it was nice to see everybody. Most of them was tired from going to She is Conference. I would of gone but it cost £45 for 24 hours. Which if I was get to be paid every week that would of mean I would had £19.6 to buy food for the week and then anything that pops up during the week.
Anyway if I could go my key worker made me go to a key work session. I was told that it was with one person but of was never with that person. I am certain I feel like here think that it OK to change who it was going to do it with, and not going to tell me about it.
Anyway, church. My friends are lovely. Great huggers. Today I had a hug from Esther, James Thorn, Smart, Neo, Amber and Sorcha Rooney.
There more friends who I seen, but at church there to many names to write on one post.
Anyway got to go bed. Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
You guys have shown me such kindness. Reminding me how important I am. You welcomed with an open arm to the Jamie family. So when I read the news I celebrated like I was right there celebrating with you.
Anyway I had a pretty chilled day. For the morning I chilled out. Then I set off at 10 to 2 to go to Church as I was at broadcast team and it was nice to see everybody. Most of them was tired from going to She is Conference. I would of gone but it cost £45 for 24 hours. Which if I was get to be paid every week that would of mean I would had £19.6 to buy food for the week and then anything that pops up during the week.
Anyway if I could go my key worker made me go to a key work session. I was told that it was with one person but of was never with that person. I am certain I feel like here think that it OK to change who it was going to do it with, and not going to tell me about it.
Anyway, church. My friends are lovely. Great huggers. Today I had a hug from Esther, James Thorn, Smart, Neo, Amber and Sorcha Rooney.
There more friends who I seen, but at church there to many names to write on one post.
Anyway got to go bed. Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
Friday 23 February 2018
Today I wanted to do more damage then burning my wrist. Why can't I just not think of these things, because after I self harm. I always feel stupid.
The antidepressants tablets don't help. They just make me want to sleep. I just need to think of things to keep my mind busy, away from the thoughts of self harming and suicide.
It always the same thoughts. Which are that I am ugly, stupid and unloved and I'm better off dead.
With the better of dead I thought today maybe I'm right that I am, nobody will noticed that I am. Then the fear not guilt and stupidity in my head, so it been a on going battle with death, guilt and stupidity running in my head.
I just need to get out of it.
Anyway I wish you all a goodnight.
Love you
Zanny xx
The antidepressants tablets don't help. They just make me want to sleep. I just need to think of things to keep my mind busy, away from the thoughts of self harming and suicide.
It always the same thoughts. Which are that I am ugly, stupid and unloved and I'm better off dead.
With the better of dead I thought today maybe I'm right that I am, nobody will noticed that I am. Then the fear not guilt and stupidity in my head, so it been a on going battle with death, guilt and stupidity running in my head.
I just need to get out of it.
Anyway I wish you all a goodnight.
Love you
Zanny xx
Thursday 22 February 2018
Well it could of gone better
Well today I woke up really depressed didn't want to do much, but I got dressed had breakfast, had a cup of tea, brushed my teeth and done my hair. As I thought that if I go to singing for fun and get out of the house.
Now keep in mind that where singing for fun is, it take me in total over an hour sometimes an hour and a half to walk it. Now before you ask I would of caught the bus, but with how much bus fares are and how much I travel I can't really afford it.
When I arrived I chilled outside for a bit, it was cold, my only jumper was still drying so i had to deal with it,and when I left home it wasn't cold. So I thought I didn't need my hat, scarf and gloves. So I just basically had two twin layers on. I was basically sitting in the cold for about 45 minutes. I didn't have time to do anything else. So I was getting annoyed, mainly because I was cold.
When somebody arrived to singing for fun. We waited to see if anybody person who comes, who know damn well that singing for fun starts at 1pm but is always late. So first we thought nothing new. Then we was was getting really cold. Then after like 20 minutes they canceled the session because only I showed up. Like it takes me over an hour to walk home. They know this. They know that he don't answer the text and he is always late. The other guy was ill.
So by the time I walked home. I was cold, tired and very annoyed and super depressed. As I needed something to lift my spirit up but then it ended up making it ten times worse. Like I try and stay positive, and keep on reminding myself that I am important. When things like this happens to you when I really don't need it to doesn't help.
So I tried to cheer myself up and hopped to the lounge area and for myself from the DVD shelf. FRIENDS session 3. I watched the first four episodes of it. Still feel super depressed, but not annoyed.
Anyway rent over.
Goodnight everybody.
Love you.
Zanny.
Now keep in mind that where singing for fun is, it take me in total over an hour sometimes an hour and a half to walk it. Now before you ask I would of caught the bus, but with how much bus fares are and how much I travel I can't really afford it.
When I arrived I chilled outside for a bit, it was cold, my only jumper was still drying so i had to deal with it,and when I left home it wasn't cold. So I thought I didn't need my hat, scarf and gloves. So I just basically had two twin layers on. I was basically sitting in the cold for about 45 minutes. I didn't have time to do anything else. So I was getting annoyed, mainly because I was cold.
When somebody arrived to singing for fun. We waited to see if anybody person who comes, who know damn well that singing for fun starts at 1pm but is always late. So first we thought nothing new. Then we was was getting really cold. Then after like 20 minutes they canceled the session because only I showed up. Like it takes me over an hour to walk home. They know this. They know that he don't answer the text and he is always late. The other guy was ill.
So by the time I walked home. I was cold, tired and very annoyed and super depressed. As I needed something to lift my spirit up but then it ended up making it ten times worse. Like I try and stay positive, and keep on reminding myself that I am important. When things like this happens to you when I really don't need it to doesn't help.
So I tried to cheer myself up and hopped to the lounge area and for myself from the DVD shelf. FRIENDS session 3. I watched the first four episodes of it. Still feel super depressed, but not annoyed.
Anyway rent over.
Goodnight everybody.
Love you.
Zanny.
Wednesday 21 February 2018
Love
Love
Dreams
Friends.
My friends,
I love
To share
My dreams.
They support me with every step
I take.
They are my wings when mine are broken.
My friends make the village within
My heart.
We build each other,
Doesn't matter the distance.
Just like a tree
We are all connected
To make each other grow
The branches
The leafs.
We all feed the roots
In what we need
To grow.
Hi, I don't know what you going through today, but I want to say there are people out there who care about you. It's still hard for me to accept that I have people out there who I know would do anything for, and I would do anything for them.
As I never really have many friends growing up so I didn't have the sense of belonging. I thought apart from family anybody loving me for me was odd. I couldn't get myself to open myself up to make friends and feel love for people, like love of a friend, love of a family, as I've found it hard growing up.
I still do. There be times when somebody who will say they love or care for me. I will be like who me. I'm just me, just plan Zanny, there nothing special for you to Love or care for.
Currently listening Born this way by Lady GaGa
Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
Dreams
Friends.
My friends,
I love
To share
My dreams.
They support me with every step
I take.
They are my wings when mine are broken.
My friends make the village within
My heart.
We build each other,
Doesn't matter the distance.
Just like a tree
We are all connected
To make each other grow
The branches
The leafs.
We all feed the roots
In what we need
To grow.
Hi, I don't know what you going through today, but I want to say there are people out there who care about you. It's still hard for me to accept that I have people out there who I know would do anything for, and I would do anything for them.
As I never really have many friends growing up so I didn't have the sense of belonging. I thought apart from family anybody loving me for me was odd. I couldn't get myself to open myself up to make friends and feel love for people, like love of a friend, love of a family, as I've found it hard growing up.
I still do. There be times when somebody who will say they love or care for me. I will be like who me. I'm just me, just plan Zanny, there nothing special for you to Love or care for.
Currently listening Born this way by Lady GaGa
Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
Tuesday 20 February 2018
What was I writing?
Today I went to Theatre Deli. Where I did Word art where they trying to get me an award for creative writing. Today we typed up Act 2 scene 1 of my play. Let just say I have no idea what going on. We couldn't stop laughing at how odd it is. Let just say I blame Theatre Deli for having a puppet of a clown behind the bar otherwise I wouldn't be writing a script about a this puppet killing animals and humans.
I was like when I finished typing up I couldn't stop laughing. Thinking why am I writing this? The guy who run these sessions, he said today. He totally be Robert. Like why? The Clown takes over him and kills Tiffany in scene 3. He says even better.
What wrong with us. 😂😂😂 I promise I am really good. It just on paper that this happens.
Later I finished my cup of tea which I was making in Stained glass art. In total it took me about four hours to make. It like one of my favorite piece I've made. It's a baby blue colour with a white saucer. The brown is a light brown to give the effect of milky tea. The handle was made out of wire. In which is thicker then we normally us, so it more tough then the ones I used for the steam which are a lot more harder to stick on because it move a lot.
When I got back, I chilled for a couple of hours before me and my lovely friend Emma, who is a great friend of mine from Leicester, video chatted for over 20 minutes. She hoping to pop up and see me soon with John and Abigail. Who I just can't wait to see again because it nearly been a full year since I've seen any of them.
Currently listening to No Air by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
I was like when I finished typing up I couldn't stop laughing. Thinking why am I writing this? The guy who run these sessions, he said today. He totally be Robert. Like why? The Clown takes over him and kills Tiffany in scene 3. He says even better.
What wrong with us. 😂😂😂 I promise I am really good. It just on paper that this happens.
Later I finished my cup of tea which I was making in Stained glass art. In total it took me about four hours to make. It like one of my favorite piece I've made. It's a baby blue colour with a white saucer. The brown is a light brown to give the effect of milky tea. The handle was made out of wire. In which is thicker then we normally us, so it more tough then the ones I used for the steam which are a lot more harder to stick on because it move a lot.
When I got back, I chilled for a couple of hours before me and my lovely friend Emma, who is a great friend of mine from Leicester, video chatted for over 20 minutes. She hoping to pop up and see me soon with John and Abigail. Who I just can't wait to see again because it nearly been a full year since I've seen any of them.
Currently listening to No Air by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Monday 19 February 2018
Writing Poems
Well today it started like a normal Monday. I went to town to meet the person for Nomad where we just chat about musicals, Movies and Doctor Who. She asked if I've seen the Tardis as it was near my Church. I wish I did but for me to get there it would take me a hour to get to the Tardis. Plus it was really cold.
Other wise I would of totally go and see it. As I love Doctor Who. I can't wait to see Jodie as the next Doctor. Then she keep on asking about Jamie if I heard any news. As she really want to see it but she doesn't want to go to London. She keep on asking about if it going to be made into a Movie. Like how would I know. I just know it should, but first it has to go Boardway. Like I already starting to save to go to New York. Give me about 100 years and I would have enough for probably just the flights. No money for spending or for a hotel.
When I got home I coloured and wrote three poems for the Crisis Skylight open mic night. I don't know if they are any good. I am scared that they are rubbish, and that I get a lot of rubbish back with it.
I know I need to stop thinking about it. However because I've written them down and haven't gotten any feedback on them I don't know, and the fear and my depression and anxiety is building up inside of me.
I need to do this poetry reading and singing as I need to start feeling like I am worthy and need to start feeling confident. I just have poems in front of me, and instead of the words that I've written I see these are terrible and that I am horrible writer.
Currently listening to Glad you Came by The Wanted.
Anyway Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny.
Other wise I would of totally go and see it. As I love Doctor Who. I can't wait to see Jodie as the next Doctor. Then she keep on asking about Jamie if I heard any news. As she really want to see it but she doesn't want to go to London. She keep on asking about if it going to be made into a Movie. Like how would I know. I just know it should, but first it has to go Boardway. Like I already starting to save to go to New York. Give me about 100 years and I would have enough for probably just the flights. No money for spending or for a hotel.
When I got home I coloured and wrote three poems for the Crisis Skylight open mic night. I don't know if they are any good. I am scared that they are rubbish, and that I get a lot of rubbish back with it.
I know I need to stop thinking about it. However because I've written them down and haven't gotten any feedback on them I don't know, and the fear and my depression and anxiety is building up inside of me.
I need to do this poetry reading and singing as I need to start feeling like I am worthy and need to start feeling confident. I just have poems in front of me, and instead of the words that I've written I see these are terrible and that I am horrible writer.
Currently listening to Glad you Came by The Wanted.
Anyway Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny.
Sunday 18 February 2018
Church and call the midwife
Today I was on Wiz Tots at my church, on both 10am and 5pm which had loads of fun because you basically you getting hugs all the time.
At the 10am we had about 20, 1 to 2 year old, after doing the normal wiz tots activity, after snacks we threw on Paw Patrol, as the tots love the show. Then by the time all the kids was gone and packed away I left about 12:15pm.
On the way home creepy guy followed me for about 20 mineuts home. The worse thing is the staff know about his behavior because he done it one more then one occasion especially to the girls at my place. They won't do anything about it though.
Then I had my lunch and just waited for a text from the wiz tots leader who was picking me up for the 5pm service. She left her phone at work so her husband, who was currently rehearsing for the 5pm, as well as being the musical Director, to take 2 seconds to ring me on Facebook to tell me that she is outside. Lol just got to love them. My friends are the only people who do that.
Thankfully it was a bit more relaxed as there was only four kids who just made us laugh all service plus free hugs. Plus plus. Still miss my cuddle from my cats that I had called Thelma and Louise. Didn't like the gift Louise bring, but then again she was a very wried cat.
There was a spot that only I could get if you rub her ear in the right place she was just fall down in your hand. She was the cutest little black cat. Thelma was a bonkers turtle shell cat that would just send out my bedroom door on weekdays, at 7am will just demand her breakfast. The rest of the time she was just running around the house.
Thankfully I got a lift home where I went and watched Call the Midwife. It was a amazing episode. It was talking about lepers and and a women who has such a serious phobia of giving birth. That when she was in Labor you thought she was going to self harm. Which was getting emotional for me. When I was watching it though I was given birthday cake as it was a house mate birthday on Friday. So that put a smile on my face. However seeing Barbara and the Vicar Tom back just put a massive smile on my face because there here to stay. Wooh!! I just love period Dramas there just amazing.
Currently listening to Surf up from Teen Beach Movie.
Anyway I got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
At the 10am we had about 20, 1 to 2 year old, after doing the normal wiz tots activity, after snacks we threw on Paw Patrol, as the tots love the show. Then by the time all the kids was gone and packed away I left about 12:15pm.
On the way home creepy guy followed me for about 20 mineuts home. The worse thing is the staff know about his behavior because he done it one more then one occasion especially to the girls at my place. They won't do anything about it though.
Then I had my lunch and just waited for a text from the wiz tots leader who was picking me up for the 5pm service. She left her phone at work so her husband, who was currently rehearsing for the 5pm, as well as being the musical Director, to take 2 seconds to ring me on Facebook to tell me that she is outside. Lol just got to love them. My friends are the only people who do that.
Thankfully it was a bit more relaxed as there was only four kids who just made us laugh all service plus free hugs. Plus plus. Still miss my cuddle from my cats that I had called Thelma and Louise. Didn't like the gift Louise bring, but then again she was a very wried cat.
There was a spot that only I could get if you rub her ear in the right place she was just fall down in your hand. She was the cutest little black cat. Thelma was a bonkers turtle shell cat that would just send out my bedroom door on weekdays, at 7am will just demand her breakfast. The rest of the time she was just running around the house.
Thankfully I got a lift home where I went and watched Call the Midwife. It was a amazing episode. It was talking about lepers and and a women who has such a serious phobia of giving birth. That when she was in Labor you thought she was going to self harm. Which was getting emotional for me. When I was watching it though I was given birthday cake as it was a house mate birthday on Friday. So that put a smile on my face. However seeing Barbara and the Vicar Tom back just put a massive smile on my face because there here to stay. Wooh!! I just love period Dramas there just amazing.
Currently listening to Surf up from Teen Beach Movie.
Anyway I got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Saturday 17 February 2018
Getting ready and chilling
Hello guys. Well on the 15th of March I will be doing some poetry reading of my own poems that I've written. I thought that I should do something special just from the open mic, which is run by Crisis Skylight. Which is a charity for Homeless people, or have been in the last two years.
One of the guys thought it be fun to read a bit of script which I've written in his sessions, but I thought not because it about a puppet clown who let just say isn't that jolly. So I just going to do my poetry. Also if we ready in time me a couple of other people might be singing The A Team, that only if we practice it in time.
Why do I agree to it? Like I'm not nervous about reading my poems out loud. I'm singing in public as well. Well at least it a good song with a good story behind it.
Anyway if you want to come it at The Theatre Deli on 15th of March it starts at 6pm and finished at 9pm and it free entry and there be snacks there. How ever I don't know how many seats there going to be, and it not a massive theatre. So come in planty of time to get a seat.
Anyway I got to go, ask need to be at church for 9 for a 10am service.
Currently listening to - Starstruck by Christopher Wild.
Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx.
One of the guys thought it be fun to read a bit of script which I've written in his sessions, but I thought not because it about a puppet clown who let just say isn't that jolly. So I just going to do my poetry. Also if we ready in time me a couple of other people might be singing The A Team, that only if we practice it in time.
Why do I agree to it? Like I'm not nervous about reading my poems out loud. I'm singing in public as well. Well at least it a good song with a good story behind it.
Anyway if you want to come it at The Theatre Deli on 15th of March it starts at 6pm and finished at 9pm and it free entry and there be snacks there. How ever I don't know how many seats there going to be, and it not a massive theatre. So come in planty of time to get a seat.
Anyway I got to go, ask need to be at church for 9 for a 10am service.
Currently listening to - Starstruck by Christopher Wild.
Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx.
Friday 16 February 2018
Poetry
I'm scared to take two steps,
Not knowing what in front of me.
The fear of falling,
Of the unknown.
Not knowing what tomorrow brings.
Scared to close my eyes.
That if I do
That any happy feeling
Will just
Disappear.
I just want to hold onto the warmth.
Why can't I stay in the sun?
Soon this rain will become a
Thunderstorm,
And soon all I will do is
Disappear
And go.
I'm sure nobody will be bothered
To say
Goodbye.
Even though I can't handle the weather anymore
I can't come round to say
Goodbye.
Love all of those who ready this. For reading my blog. I know they have been low of late, due to some problem in life, anniversary, death, depression, self harming, feeling like I getting played around by staff at my housing, and the feeling of not knowing if food going to last me. I have a lot on my mind.
To make things worse I've found out that the street cat me and my neighbor in Leicester, look after was found dead this morning. His name was TomTom. Like I knew it was coming because before I moved to Sheffield I seen him and he didn't look well. It breaks my heart, because I grew up with seeing him around the street I grew up with him.
Anyway I got to go.
Goodnight everybody.
Love you.
Zanny xx.
Not knowing what in front of me.
The fear of falling,
Of the unknown.
Not knowing what tomorrow brings.
Scared to close my eyes.
That if I do
That any happy feeling
Will just
Disappear.
I just want to hold onto the warmth.
Why can't I stay in the sun?
Soon this rain will become a
Thunderstorm,
And soon all I will do is
Disappear
And go.
I'm sure nobody will be bothered
To say
Goodbye.
Even though I can't handle the weather anymore
I can't come round to say
Goodbye.
Love all of those who ready this. For reading my blog. I know they have been low of late, due to some problem in life, anniversary, death, depression, self harming, feeling like I getting played around by staff at my housing, and the feeling of not knowing if food going to last me. I have a lot on my mind.
To make things worse I've found out that the street cat me and my neighbor in Leicester, look after was found dead this morning. His name was TomTom. Like I knew it was coming because before I moved to Sheffield I seen him and he didn't look well. It breaks my heart, because I grew up with seeing him around the street I grew up with him.
Anyway I got to go.
Goodnight everybody.
Love you.
Zanny xx.
Thursday 15 February 2018
Hi guys.
First off I know I am late posting it. But I didn't come home till 11pm and my feet was killing me. So I went right to bed. However Happy Valentine's for yesterday.
Last night I went round my Friend's house and me and a few girls had Stir Fry, well the boys from church went out for a meal. Then the boys mat us girls at Blood 88. Which is a nice Pizza place on West street, had a couple of drinks and did Salsa, even though I didn't know any of the guys I danced with. Even though one guy we just couldn't stop laughing. We was a complete mass.
Apart from that all my female friends look beautiful and all the boys look handsome. You could tell that they made an effort last night. Not like there don't normally look handsome. However I do find I talk to the boys more on the Wensday when the boys and girls get together and the day after. Then any other day. I think its because it the only time we really get to speak without somebody interrupting us.
That was last night.
Today I went to singing for fun. Where I found out we might be singing at the open mic night for Crisis.😯😯😯😯😧😧😧😨😨😨😲 if you guys know me I not that confident singer so do that in front of people. Like I am super nervous. I don't know who going to be there. I said I don't mind reading a couple of my poems out.
Then I went Church and hang out the guys of Broadcast team and then had team time. It was a fun night where we go on different camera. I even tried a bit of directing, which I had way to much fun doing that.
Mood update. Current mood 45% at the moment in time. I not thinking of doing anything stupid, but I am not strong mentally. Due to events last week and what happened on Monday, I am finding it hard to cope with my depression.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Last night I went round my Friend's house and me and a few girls had Stir Fry, well the boys from church went out for a meal. Then the boys mat us girls at Blood 88. Which is a nice Pizza place on West street, had a couple of drinks and did Salsa, even though I didn't know any of the guys I danced with. Even though one guy we just couldn't stop laughing. We was a complete mass.
Apart from that all my female friends look beautiful and all the boys look handsome. You could tell that they made an effort last night. Not like there don't normally look handsome. However I do find I talk to the boys more on the Wensday when the boys and girls get together and the day after. Then any other day. I think its because it the only time we really get to speak without somebody interrupting us.
That was last night.
Today I went to singing for fun. Where I found out we might be singing at the open mic night for Crisis.😯😯😯😯😧😧😧😨😨😨😲 if you guys know me I not that confident singer so do that in front of people. Like I am super nervous. I don't know who going to be there. I said I don't mind reading a couple of my poems out.
Then I went Church and hang out the guys of Broadcast team and then had team time. It was a fun night where we go on different camera. I even tried a bit of directing, which I had way to much fun doing that.
Mood update. Current mood 45% at the moment in time. I not thinking of doing anything stupid, but I am not strong mentally. Due to events last week and what happened on Monday, I am finding it hard to cope with my depression.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Tuesday 13 February 2018
Crisis skylight sessions and open mic night.
Today I went to couple of Crisis Skylight sessions. Normally there three, word art, Stained glass Art and writing for fun. However due to the person who runs stained glass she was ill today. Which good and bad at the same time.
It a good thing due to I don't have to worry about Self harming, as we do work with tools that get really hot. The second reason is I can eat something. On Tuesday I don't have time to eat. The sessions are back to back. So I would go from like 9am to sometimes 7/8pm at night before I physical have some food in my system.
The bad was it because I am still really low today. Thankfully I haven't had thoughts of self harming today, but I am not 100% from doing something stupid. The hard thing was I had no friends around if I needed to talk as all my friends in Sheffield are super busy on a Tuesday all day.
Anyway I found out what time the open mic night in which I might be doing a poetry reading. I still need to talk to the Art director about doing it.
It starts at 6pm and run until 9pm at theatre Deli on 15th March. I would love to see some face I recognise. However I wouldn't be upset. It more for me to boost my confidence. As I hate talking in public.
So reading one of my poems out loud and see people reaction right in front of me will about kill me. However what ever kill me makes your stronger.
Song I currently listening to is Butterfly fly away. It a song in which I just cry to. I just think how much love Miley has for her dad, and I never really had that with my dad, as he died when I was too young to remember him. I sometimes wish I had a relationship with him.
Now there are people out there who I look up to and I know they probably the closes thing I will get to a father like figure to me. Even though I don't see them as much as I like. I know they are there for me.
It a good thing due to I don't have to worry about Self harming, as we do work with tools that get really hot. The second reason is I can eat something. On Tuesday I don't have time to eat. The sessions are back to back. So I would go from like 9am to sometimes 7/8pm at night before I physical have some food in my system.
The bad was it because I am still really low today. Thankfully I haven't had thoughts of self harming today, but I am not 100% from doing something stupid. The hard thing was I had no friends around if I needed to talk as all my friends in Sheffield are super busy on a Tuesday all day.
Anyway I found out what time the open mic night in which I might be doing a poetry reading. I still need to talk to the Art director about doing it.
It starts at 6pm and run until 9pm at theatre Deli on 15th March. I would love to see some face I recognise. However I wouldn't be upset. It more for me to boost my confidence. As I hate talking in public.
So reading one of my poems out loud and see people reaction right in front of me will about kill me. However what ever kill me makes your stronger.
Song I currently listening to is Butterfly fly away. It a song in which I just cry to. I just think how much love Miley has for her dad, and I never really had that with my dad, as he died when I was too young to remember him. I sometimes wish I had a relationship with him.
Now there are people out there who I look up to and I know they probably the closes thing I will get to a father like figure to me. Even though I don't see them as much as I like. I know they are there for me.
Monday 12 February 2018
Self-harming
I can't take the pain,
The pain is too much.
It burns.
I want it to stop.
Though there no one to go.
Family left me.
Fighting
I've lost this better.
I wanted this pain to end.
I didn't want it.
Self harm wasn't an option.
Though it slipt through.
Until my wrist,
Sore,
Red
And stings.
Making me feel
stupid
Guilty
Unloved.
Why?
Why do I have to self harm?
Why can't I talk?
Why?
Today I selfed harmed. I burnt my wrist on the hob in my kitchen. I feel guilty, angry and stupid to doing it. I tried to keep myself busy like I listened to my music, I went bowling, I also watched TV. I just couldn't keep on fighting.
Goodnight everybody
Love
The pain is too much.
It burns.
I want it to stop.
Though there no one to go.
Family left me.
Fighting
I've lost this better.
I wanted this pain to end.
I didn't want it.
Self harm wasn't an option.
Though it slipt through.
Until my wrist,
Sore,
Red
And stings.
Making me feel
stupid
Guilty
Unloved.
Why?
Why do I have to self harm?
Why can't I talk?
Why?
Today I selfed harmed. I burnt my wrist on the hob in my kitchen. I feel guilty, angry and stupid to doing it. I tried to keep myself busy like I listened to my music, I went bowling, I also watched TV. I just couldn't keep on fighting.
Goodnight everybody
Love
Sunday 11 February 2018
To scared to ask
I am depressed, I do suffer from depression, anxiety, self-harming and thought of suicide. To the point where I more the once I was so low that I was considering to give in a kill myself. I was so close like I could do this. If I wasn't scared and angry with myself I would of.
After that I was so scared and lost I wanted to call somebody for support or just to hear a friendly voice. Just needed somebody who I could just talk to without somebody asking ten thousand question. Without somebody judging me. I couldn't think of anyone. I was scared, lost and alone.
Yes I do need help, but I am to scared to ask. Or more that I have asked but keep on getting let down to the point know where I am so tried of spinning round and round. Getting angry of keep getting let down by people who I thought was there to help me. That o don't know what to do any more.
My mental health is not getting better. I just want this fight to end.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
After that I was so scared and lost I wanted to call somebody for support or just to hear a friendly voice. Just needed somebody who I could just talk to without somebody asking ten thousand question. Without somebody judging me. I couldn't think of anyone. I was scared, lost and alone.
Yes I do need help, but I am to scared to ask. Or more that I have asked but keep on getting let down to the point know where I am so tried of spinning round and round. Getting angry of keep getting let down by people who I thought was there to help me. That o don't know what to do any more.
My mental health is not getting better. I just want this fight to end.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Saturday 10 February 2018
Primroses in all the roses
I'm struggling, to see
The light.
The thing I need,
To help me grow.
Bigger flowers,
Taller trees.
Taking it all.
Not allowing me,
To shine,
To stand in the spotlight.
To have my say.
Not like they care.
I'm just me,
Little me.
They don't care.
I will be in the dark.
Scared,
Alone,
Worried.
So don't worry about me.
I just the little Primrose
In the midst of all the roses of the world.
Love you
Zanny xx
The light.
The thing I need,
To help me grow.
Bigger flowers,
Taller trees.
Taking it all.
Not allowing me,
To shine,
To stand in the spotlight.
To have my say.
Not like they care.
I'm just me,
Little me.
They don't care.
I will be in the dark.
Scared,
Alone,
Worried.
So don't worry about me.
I just the little Primrose
In the midst of all the roses of the world.
Love you
Zanny xx
Friday 9 February 2018
I honestly don't know what to write today. It was more me relaxing today. As there wasn't much planned or even anything planned.
So tomorrow after finding out that my key worker was going behind my back she said she found a place for me to move to once my contract finished. She will tell me tomorrow, as when she knocked on my door yesterday I wasn't in.
So I am just hoping that it something that is near to Hope City Church and Town. So I can keep in touch with all my friends. Not like this place care about that.
So people come who not just people who use the charity. Crisis Skylight is holding a Open Mic Night on Thursday 15th of March at Theatre Deli in Sheffield. I will confirme the time it start when I find out on Tuesday. I am thinking of doing something like a poverty reading of one of my poems. So com on down and show your support.
Anyway I would love to wish you all a goodnight.
Love you.
Zanny xx
So tomorrow after finding out that my key worker was going behind my back she said she found a place for me to move to once my contract finished. She will tell me tomorrow, as when she knocked on my door yesterday I wasn't in.
So I am just hoping that it something that is near to Hope City Church and Town. So I can keep in touch with all my friends. Not like this place care about that.
So people come who not just people who use the charity. Crisis Skylight is holding a Open Mic Night on Thursday 15th of March at Theatre Deli in Sheffield. I will confirme the time it start when I find out on Tuesday. I am thinking of doing something like a poverty reading of one of my poems. So com on down and show your support.
Anyway I would love to wish you all a goodnight.
Love you.
Zanny xx
Thursday 8 February 2018
Heartfelt letter to the cast and creative team of Everybody Talking about Jamie
Dear cast and creative team of Everybody Talking about Jamie,
Today is the day when the show opened it doors to the public to have it public dress rehearsal at the Crucible theatre. I was lucky enough to be apart of the audience. So I thought as a treat, that I write up a letter to let everybody know, how amazing you all are, and how much this show helped so many people in so many ways. You have created not just an ordinary 'work of art' but out of of this world, take your breath taking masterpiece.
First of I need to say thank you, for bringing Jamie Campbell's story to the stage. As it now can reach so many people and especially to the people like Jamie, who might of been bullied or scared of being bullied for being them self. It more then a story of a boy being guy, or wanting to be a Drag Queen. It about mother and son, being happy with who you are inside and that who care what other people think.
Also thank you, for being a constant support, this past year for me have been easy for me. I had to keep on remembering to be the "Glitter in the grey." Also when I feel low, I just look trough our tweets and it always make me laugh. That reminds me I still need to watch Cats.
With that I need say thank you, I know I am saying it a lot, but this for accepting me. When I don't feel and don't understand a lot of the time why you have. I offer nothing but my love and my continued support for you guys and the show. You lot are too beautiful and kind that it make me cry, cause I don't deserve your guys love.
Now when beautiful, talented and super sweet Lucie Shorthouse sings "It means beautiful" it always hits me. I always felt it hard, from a super young age, due to really bad bullied to accept that I anymore then ugly. So when I got home after the public dress rehearsal, I physically cried myself to sleep because of how powerful that song was.
I thought when I saw it down in London, I thought I emotional prepared for it. However my tears was not ready for "Ugly in this Ugly world." Oh no!!! Got home I most of cried so much that I could of filled about 100 Olympics size swimming pools.
So thank you for being amazing and letting me into the Jamie family.
Now "go forth and be fabulous" I can't wait to see what the next couple of years (I am expecting another 50, and news of New York. 😁😁😘😘)
Now don't forget me when the show won about 1000's of Olivia awards
Love you all.
Zanny xx
Today is the day when the show opened it doors to the public to have it public dress rehearsal at the Crucible theatre. I was lucky enough to be apart of the audience. So I thought as a treat, that I write up a letter to let everybody know, how amazing you all are, and how much this show helped so many people in so many ways. You have created not just an ordinary 'work of art' but out of of this world, take your breath taking masterpiece.
First of I need to say thank you, for bringing Jamie Campbell's story to the stage. As it now can reach so many people and especially to the people like Jamie, who might of been bullied or scared of being bullied for being them self. It more then a story of a boy being guy, or wanting to be a Drag Queen. It about mother and son, being happy with who you are inside and that who care what other people think.
Also thank you, for being a constant support, this past year for me have been easy for me. I had to keep on remembering to be the "Glitter in the grey." Also when I feel low, I just look trough our tweets and it always make me laugh. That reminds me I still need to watch Cats.
With that I need say thank you, I know I am saying it a lot, but this for accepting me. When I don't feel and don't understand a lot of the time why you have. I offer nothing but my love and my continued support for you guys and the show. You lot are too beautiful and kind that it make me cry, cause I don't deserve your guys love.
Now when beautiful, talented and super sweet Lucie Shorthouse sings "It means beautiful" it always hits me. I always felt it hard, from a super young age, due to really bad bullied to accept that I anymore then ugly. So when I got home after the public dress rehearsal, I physically cried myself to sleep because of how powerful that song was.
I thought when I saw it down in London, I thought I emotional prepared for it. However my tears was not ready for "Ugly in this Ugly world." Oh no!!! Got home I most of cried so much that I could of filled about 100 Olympics size swimming pools.
So thank you for being amazing and letting me into the Jamie family.
Now "go forth and be fabulous" I can't wait to see what the next couple of years (I am expecting another 50, and news of New York. 😁😁😘😘)
Now don't forget me when the show won about 1000's of Olivia awards
Love you all.
Zanny xx
Wednesday 7 February 2018
Short post Today
I am going to keep things sweet and short today. I know before you say anything, that my post are normally short. However I am going to try and writer a a longer then normal post tomorrow. To celebrate one year since my favorite musical Everybody Talking about Jamie hits the stage to the public to watch. Thankfully I was one of first member of the public to see it. So I thought that I should do something special.
A quick update though. I am still recovering from a horrible chest infection and cold. I went to my friends house for dinner, because it was Mexican and I thought spicy food will help. Me and my friends boogied our way out to ,"Do they remember? " I don't know if it the official name or not, but you all know what song I mean.
Anyway I wish you all goodnight sleep.
Love you.
Zanny xx
A quick update though. I am still recovering from a horrible chest infection and cold. I went to my friends house for dinner, because it was Mexican and I thought spicy food will help. Me and my friends boogied our way out to ,"Do they remember? " I don't know if it the official name or not, but you all know what song I mean.
Anyway I wish you all goodnight sleep.
Love you.
Zanny xx
Tuesday 6 February 2018
Assessment and movies
Today I had the assessment. Which could go better as they putting me on a pending list when they found out for sure where I am going to live. Then to make thing worse my key worker been looking at semi independent living accommodate, without me knowing. Like hold up, when did you start looking, and do I have a say. What if it is too far away from my friends, my church.
The friends who they know too well helped me out so much throughout last year, that if I could I would help them out without thinking about it. Like what if she connecting projects that don't have things that I find important.
Surely it a thing she needed to talked to me before looking up about. It not hard, like I am the service user. Not her. I just wish I not mentally unwell, poor and jobless otherwise I would of moved out of this place. However I am.
To try and cheer me up I watched two movies and thankfully, the only good thing is this place (I'm not calling this place home) is that people donate films for service users to watch, but as I seen pretty much all my films about 1 million times.
I went to see what films they have, and thankfully they was given today. I was jumping up and down when I saw these two words.
Kinky Boots
I can die a happy girl now I've finally watched kinky Boots. I was like oh yes I'm watching that. So I put my high healed boots (nothing compared to the red boots in the film (not that I can pull them off)) and made a cuppa and watched it.
After that I watched Queen Victoria. Where do I always get pulled toward periodic drama. I guess I just love learning about how people lived and how much people have changed over time.
Anyway I guess it time for me to say see ya. As I will need to let the night staff know I'm in. As I don't want a rude wake up call at midnight to see if I'm in.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
The friends who they know too well helped me out so much throughout last year, that if I could I would help them out without thinking about it. Like what if she connecting projects that don't have things that I find important.
Surely it a thing she needed to talked to me before looking up about. It not hard, like I am the service user. Not her. I just wish I not mentally unwell, poor and jobless otherwise I would of moved out of this place. However I am.
To try and cheer me up I watched two movies and thankfully, the only good thing is this place (I'm not calling this place home) is that people donate films for service users to watch, but as I seen pretty much all my films about 1 million times.
I went to see what films they have, and thankfully they was given today. I was jumping up and down when I saw these two words.
Kinky Boots
I can die a happy girl now I've finally watched kinky Boots. I was like oh yes I'm watching that. So I put my high healed boots (nothing compared to the red boots in the film (not that I can pull them off)) and made a cuppa and watched it.
After that I watched Queen Victoria. Where do I always get pulled toward periodic drama. I guess I just love learning about how people lived and how much people have changed over time.
Anyway I guess it time for me to say see ya. As I will need to let the night staff know I'm in. As I don't want a rude wake up call at midnight to see if I'm in.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Monday 5 February 2018
Dreading tomorrow
Tomorrow I have an assessment to see if I have any extra needs, which will allowed to get extra help. Where I know that I some shape or another has some sort of extra needs. Probably not massive, but I know something there.
Growing up in school, I never had the right help, and one school just thought it was plain stupidity and laziness. Just they gave up on me.
Then I went to a school, even though at that one, I never was tested for anything. They treated me 1000x better and somehow I had friends and became class of 2012 prom Queen. Even my mum was shocked. I came home with flowers, and a tiara. Even though I don't have the tiara, I still kept the dress.
However I did struggle within task in which people of my age found and even at 22 finding so easy. Anyway I let you know what the result is when I get it.
Any I need to go as I need to be as awake as I possible can.
Goodnight everybody
Love you.
Zanny xx
Growing up in school, I never had the right help, and one school just thought it was plain stupidity and laziness. Just they gave up on me.
Then I went to a school, even though at that one, I never was tested for anything. They treated me 1000x better and somehow I had friends and became class of 2012 prom Queen. Even my mum was shocked. I came home with flowers, and a tiara. Even though I don't have the tiara, I still kept the dress.
However I did struggle within task in which people of my age found and even at 22 finding so easy. Anyway I let you know what the result is when I get it.
Any I need to go as I need to be as awake as I possible can.
Goodnight everybody
Love you.
Zanny xx
Sunday 4 February 2018
I'm alone
Super bowl, Valentine's, conferences and get together. All of which people I care about are going to and celebrating. Here I am getting ready for hayfever session. Everybody can afford to do socialising and here I am all alone without a friend to call my friend.
My life a bore, my blogs are rubbish, (before anybody says there not, you're lying as I know that you doing it to make me feel better ) I have nothing to life for, and I am a let down, I'm trash.
Before you think I'm doing this for sympathy. I am not. With these blogs I just want people know what people like me feel. If you don't care then it not my problem, and you can either put up with it, or go somewhere else.
I am sick and tried of people pretending that they care for me in reality, they don't. I already had a lot of let down in my life. I don't need anymore.
I already broken into a million tiny bits that I'm too broken to fix. I will never be the women people think I will become. Like come on, I'm not even anywhere as near as strong as people think I am. I'm week, stupid, Ugly in this ugly world.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
My life a bore, my blogs are rubbish, (before anybody says there not, you're lying as I know that you doing it to make me feel better ) I have nothing to life for, and I am a let down, I'm trash.
Before you think I'm doing this for sympathy. I am not. With these blogs I just want people know what people like me feel. If you don't care then it not my problem, and you can either put up with it, or go somewhere else.
I am sick and tried of people pretending that they care for me in reality, they don't. I already had a lot of let down in my life. I don't need anymore.
I already broken into a million tiny bits that I'm too broken to fix. I will never be the women people think I will become. Like come on, I'm not even anywhere as near as strong as people think I am. I'm week, stupid, Ugly in this ugly world.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Saturday 3 February 2018
Nearly a year
It nearly a year since I sat in seat f45 to watch Everybody talking about Jamie on Wensday 8th February. Not really knowing what it was about, just knows that it was the Public dress rehearsal, and that it was a minimum donations of a £1 a ticket.
To then see it grow into a beautiful west end show. A show that received awards and love from everybody. To be certain there be a load more. As all the people behind the show are stars.
There are the sweetest people I have ever mat. Always make me smile when I am grey. They all say I'm *the glitter in the grey." Well they are lying because they are.
If I didn't have Jamie to look forward to in November, I probably wouldn't of kept up with the act. I just kept on says to myself. On the 19th I can, 19th I can.
Want to see Jamie for the 3rd time at the Apollo txxatre in London on the 18th November, had a blast, couldn't stop smiling. Totally made me forget what I've been going through. I couldn't ask for better company, better friends and amazing people in which are the Jamie family.
If any of the Jamie family is reading this blog don't forget me. I know I can't really afford to come to London to see you. I will never forget what great things you done for me.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
To then see it grow into a beautiful west end show. A show that received awards and love from everybody. To be certain there be a load more. As all the people behind the show are stars.
There are the sweetest people I have ever mat. Always make me smile when I am grey. They all say I'm *the glitter in the grey." Well they are lying because they are.
If I didn't have Jamie to look forward to in November, I probably wouldn't of kept up with the act. I just kept on says to myself. On the 19th I can, 19th I can.
Want to see Jamie for the 3rd time at the Apollo txxatre in London on the 18th November, had a blast, couldn't stop smiling. Totally made me forget what I've been going through. I couldn't ask for better company, better friends and amazing people in which are the Jamie family.
If any of the Jamie family is reading this blog don't forget me. I know I can't really afford to come to London to see you. I will never forget what great things you done for me.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Friday 2 February 2018
Hi life,
What can I do?
To make to see?
To make you listen?
You don't care
You wasn't there.
You don't care if I
Stay
Or if I
Die
The more I give to you,
The more rocks you throw.
I tried of all the rubbish.
Goodbye life.
But then what the point.
Of saying bye as you won't noticed I've
Gone
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
What can I do?
To make to see?
To make you listen?
You don't care
You wasn't there.
You don't care if I
Stay
Or if I
Die
The more I give to you,
The more rocks you throw.
I tried of all the rubbish.
Goodbye life.
But then what the point.
Of saying bye as you won't noticed I've
Gone
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
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