As I am typing the post I am listening to my favorite song by Whitney Houston which is Greatest Love of All. If you haven't heard the song before then you've must of been living under a rock.
It such an empowered song, that basically saying that the greatest love of all, isn't the amount of people who love you, it that love of yourself.
Personally self love is one of the hardest things that I am still learning to do. Whitney Houston keep saying to not to follow in anybody footsteps, which is true, but at the same time let them guide you. As well as trust in one heart, as then if you win you know it was truly you, who succeeded and if you fail then you know what you did wrong.
My self love is improving, there isn't a lot of self love, but enough at the moment, that I'm started to listening to my own heart and not being forced into doing something I'm not comfy with because my friends and family say so.
For me it one step after another, an I'm slowly getting there, but thankfully with the help of my friends, helping gaining my self love.
I think it helpful if you have people alongside you to help you to walk along this path with. As today we was meant to have this self-esteem and me time thing but it got cancelled because me and one other girl showed up. I thought I don't know these girls who live here that much, to the point where I want to talk about self-esteem. One of the activity in which you basically pick up a card with a good trait on it and you have to either keep it to yourself or passed it to another resident in which you think suits that trait. I don't know any of the other residents enough to do that with. Plus I doubt any of them match me. I don't know what my good traits are.
Anyway I got to go.
So goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Saturday 24 March 2018
Friday 23 March 2018
Painted Fabrics
As some of you know on Thursdays I went to this Drama workshops. Well the person who ran it, is a putting on a play in November about Painted Fabric and she asked if we was interested in being apart of it, and we all agreed.
As from what I've been told and researched into Painted Fabrics, it surprising that living in Sheffield I never heard of it before. As it played a big part in a way rehabilitating amputees solders from ww1 through art. The art in which they create sold all over the world, and even to the Royal Family. The building in which hold the same name, in which they was all housed and did their art, are still standing.
I think by doing this will give me huge confidence in what I am able to do. At least I got 7/8 months to get ready for it. Our first get together is on April 17th.
Today I haven't really been doing much. Just listening to music watching youtube Video. One of the first YouTube video I clicked on was Jamie Campbell's latest video, which started his beautiful mum Margaret. Jamie came to light by his documentary which was later turned into the West End Musical Everybody Talking about Jamie. Which is all the way fabulous, magical, beautiful and uplifting story which at point make you cry.
Anyway I wish you all the best and I talk to you soon.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
As from what I've been told and researched into Painted Fabrics, it surprising that living in Sheffield I never heard of it before. As it played a big part in a way rehabilitating amputees solders from ww1 through art. The art in which they create sold all over the world, and even to the Royal Family. The building in which hold the same name, in which they was all housed and did their art, are still standing.
I think by doing this will give me huge confidence in what I am able to do. At least I got 7/8 months to get ready for it. Our first get together is on April 17th.
Today I haven't really been doing much. Just listening to music watching youtube Video. One of the first YouTube video I clicked on was Jamie Campbell's latest video, which started his beautiful mum Margaret. Jamie came to light by his documentary which was later turned into the West End Musical Everybody Talking about Jamie. Which is all the way fabulous, magical, beautiful and uplifting story which at point make you cry.
Anyway I wish you all the best and I talk to you soon.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Wednesday 21 March 2018
Stressed
Today I brunt myself on purpose. Since Saturday night loads on things have been stacking up one after another. To the point that it to much to handle.
Like I just want to handle my emotions in a healthy way, yet my tablets don't help. Music at the moment doesn't help. Before you say walking, it never helps.
So like I feeling tried, stressed out. Like I feel like nothing helping. Like this place first meant to be helping me cook a meal, yet I can just about throw chips in the oven without burning the house down. Yet I'm 22. I can barley look up recipe online, because is rubbish. Every time I go to a new website, internet goes or if I play a song there is a interference every 30 second of it.
Then they meant to be helping me make progress to full independent living, yet I feel they are making no effect to move on. Every time I ask if the person who we got a hold of to fill in this form, they like don't worry, if need be we can extended your stay if.
I don't want to stay here, I want to get out. It a horrible area, I don't really get along with anybody. So living here I feel really lonely, there nobody to talk to. Plus it doesn't help that my auntie keep bringing up this disorder that I might have, but yet nobody heard of it.
Like stop bringing it up. Like I know I struggle with showing my emotions and making friends but stop pushing it in my face. I can't deal with it anymore.
Anyway got to get going
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Like I just want to handle my emotions in a healthy way, yet my tablets don't help. Music at the moment doesn't help. Before you say walking, it never helps.
So like I feeling tried, stressed out. Like I feel like nothing helping. Like this place first meant to be helping me cook a meal, yet I can just about throw chips in the oven without burning the house down. Yet I'm 22. I can barley look up recipe online, because is rubbish. Every time I go to a new website, internet goes or if I play a song there is a interference every 30 second of it.
Then they meant to be helping me make progress to full independent living, yet I feel they are making no effect to move on. Every time I ask if the person who we got a hold of to fill in this form, they like don't worry, if need be we can extended your stay if.
I don't want to stay here, I want to get out. It a horrible area, I don't really get along with anybody. So living here I feel really lonely, there nobody to talk to. Plus it doesn't help that my auntie keep bringing up this disorder that I might have, but yet nobody heard of it.
Like stop bringing it up. Like I know I struggle with showing my emotions and making friends but stop pushing it in my face. I can't deal with it anymore.
Anyway got to get going
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Tuesday 20 March 2018
Poem
How much do you know
Of the girl that stands before you.
Of the past she come from
The dream she dreams of
The fight she struggling to fight
Yet she fights it alone.
All cover in bruises
Yet hides them.
Not letting the world know
Scared of reopening them
For them to not heal again.
Friends keep asking
"How are you"
"I'm fine I'm truly am"
Yet
She not.
She just don't want them to see.
Just waiting for the day
She can
Take that
Jump
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Of the girl that stands before you.
Of the past she come from
The dream she dreams of
The fight she struggling to fight
Yet she fights it alone.
All cover in bruises
Yet hides them.
Not letting the world know
Scared of reopening them
For them to not heal again.
Friends keep asking
"How are you"
"I'm fine I'm truly am"
Yet
She not.
She just don't want them to see.
Just waiting for the day
She can
Take that
Jump
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Monday 19 March 2018
Hi
Well due to the snow over the weekend what I was hoping to do today I had to cancel. This was because I couldn't even get put of the drive way, without nearly slipping over. It was so icy. Thankfully, it melted now. So it safe for me to walk to town in the morning.
The for most of the afternoon I chilled out listening to music. Just relaxing. There isn't much to do on a Monday afternoon. I talked to my key worker to see of she heard anything from somebody if they fill out this form for me. As it has to been done by a health professional. She said she hasn't heard from them yet. She said that I don't need to worry because they won't kick me out.
However I want to get out of this place, it doesn't feel safe for me. I felt safer living next to a nightclub. However I can't just move out like that. As if I did and become homeless, I wouldn't get help from the council. So I am stuck in this place until they find me somewhere to me to go. A place that is like a step down from Peile house anyway.
After that, I added some extra bit for my play that I am writing, for one of the sessions I take on a Tuesday, called The Killer Clown. The person who runs it says it really good, he said if he watched it on stage he would be a bit scared, which in a sense a good thing in a way.
The funny thing is there is a puppet clown in the theatre where we hold these sessions and it is the inspiration behind The Killer Clown. It not completed but I have really enjoyed writing this script. It be cool if I finish it. Only two more weeks of this word Art, stained glass art and Writing for fun with Frank the Alien, before we break of for holidays.
Now I have to think of a way to put this stupid sentence in my play. Don't matter how I say it, it doesn't make sense. It probably my mind over thinking it.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you.
Zanny xx
The for most of the afternoon I chilled out listening to music. Just relaxing. There isn't much to do on a Monday afternoon. I talked to my key worker to see of she heard anything from somebody if they fill out this form for me. As it has to been done by a health professional. She said she hasn't heard from them yet. She said that I don't need to worry because they won't kick me out.
However I want to get out of this place, it doesn't feel safe for me. I felt safer living next to a nightclub. However I can't just move out like that. As if I did and become homeless, I wouldn't get help from the council. So I am stuck in this place until they find me somewhere to me to go. A place that is like a step down from Peile house anyway.
After that, I added some extra bit for my play that I am writing, for one of the sessions I take on a Tuesday, called The Killer Clown. The person who runs it says it really good, he said if he watched it on stage he would be a bit scared, which in a sense a good thing in a way.
The funny thing is there is a puppet clown in the theatre where we hold these sessions and it is the inspiration behind The Killer Clown. It not completed but I have really enjoyed writing this script. It be cool if I finish it. Only two more weeks of this word Art, stained glass art and Writing for fun with Frank the Alien, before we break of for holidays.
Now I have to think of a way to put this stupid sentence in my play. Don't matter how I say it, it doesn't make sense. It probably my mind over thinking it.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you.
Zanny xx
Sunday 18 March 2018
Snow, church and dresses.
Well today was interesting. I was woken up at 5:20 in the morning by one of the housemates thinking it was alright to bang on my bedroom window, to be let in. First off it 5:20 don't bang on people windows at that time. Secondly, the doors are locked from midnight to about 7:30-8 for a reason and it in the rules stating this.
Couldn't really go back to sleep so for up, chilled out before heading out in ankle deep snow at 8am. It was a task to walk to church for wiztots this morning. Then to be told there no 10am service just the praise and worship. So there no wiztots in the morning.
For the 5pm I didn't go in due to even though it was clearing up where I live is still even know pretty bad. So I just explained that it just not safe for me to walk back down as it really slippy now. Aldo my legs are sore for trying not to full, and the fact that I am always on them. Pretty much all day 7 days a week.
So instead I helped out the staff worker who was sorting through dresses to put on this website, to raise money to YWCA Peile house. Which is where I like. One of the dresses that I noticed is a beautiful yellow floor length ball dress and it is my size. It's just beautiful.
I also been looking through stained glass design that I can possible do next term. I want to move onto slightly more complicated design that what I've been working on at the moment. I want something to say wow that amazing. However I don't want something that going to take a year to make. I am doing a teapot. I just got to see what I fancy doing and how confident I feel then slightly step out of it.
Anyway see you soon.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Couldn't really go back to sleep so for up, chilled out before heading out in ankle deep snow at 8am. It was a task to walk to church for wiztots this morning. Then to be told there no 10am service just the praise and worship. So there no wiztots in the morning.
For the 5pm I didn't go in due to even though it was clearing up where I live is still even know pretty bad. So I just explained that it just not safe for me to walk back down as it really slippy now. Aldo my legs are sore for trying not to full, and the fact that I am always on them. Pretty much all day 7 days a week.
So instead I helped out the staff worker who was sorting through dresses to put on this website, to raise money to YWCA Peile house. Which is where I like. One of the dresses that I noticed is a beautiful yellow floor length ball dress and it is my size. It's just beautiful.
I also been looking through stained glass design that I can possible do next term. I want to move onto slightly more complicated design that what I've been working on at the moment. I want something to say wow that amazing. However I don't want something that going to take a year to make. I am doing a teapot. I just got to see what I fancy doing and how confident I feel then slightly step out of it.
Anyway see you soon.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Saturday 17 March 2018
Short post
Just as I thought that I was getting better. The wounds that was healing, had to be open on Wednesday. Now I feel 10x times worse off. I can't take this. I feel like I want to end this but can't. Like I know I only had one counseling session, but to much truma for the experience and the past that I don't need.
To make things worse I've found out that my childhood friend from Leicester passed away last night. We grew up together, we went to the same nursery and primary school together. We was also neighbours.
I remember how I would go round Joshua's house and played in the living room when our mums would sit in the kitchen drinking tea or coffee.
My favorite memory of him was in the summer holidays before we went to different high school, me, him, his mum and his little sister Melissa, went to a maze. We separated into two teams and I just remember having the time of my life that day.
So two death are on my mind, my flatmate which I just feel guilty about and then my childhood friend. Then depression playing on my mind just keep on telling me to die and that I am ugly, stupid and worthless. That I don't have a family. Which is true in a sense because I don't have any family who I talk to. So I pretty much alone on this planet.
Now got to go before I flood my bedroom.
Goodnight everybody
Zanny xx
To make things worse I've found out that my childhood friend from Leicester passed away last night. We grew up together, we went to the same nursery and primary school together. We was also neighbours.
I remember how I would go round Joshua's house and played in the living room when our mums would sit in the kitchen drinking tea or coffee.
My favorite memory of him was in the summer holidays before we went to different high school, me, him, his mum and his little sister Melissa, went to a maze. We separated into two teams and I just remember having the time of my life that day.
So two death are on my mind, my flatmate which I just feel guilty about and then my childhood friend. Then depression playing on my mind just keep on telling me to die and that I am ugly, stupid and worthless. That I don't have a family. Which is true in a sense because I don't have any family who I talk to. So I pretty much alone on this planet.
Now got to go before I flood my bedroom.
Goodnight everybody
Zanny xx
Friday 16 March 2018
I thought as I don't know what to write about today I thought I might do like a top 5 list for different things.
First of top five musicals
First of top five musicals
- Everybody Talking about Jamie
- The King and I
- Beauty and the Beast
- Hello Dolly
- Hairspray
Places I always want to visit.
- New York, USA
- Campania, Italy
- Braga Portugal
- Avignon France
- Moshi, Tanzania
Favorite colours
- Blue
- Red
- Purple
- Orange
- Green
Favorite songs
- Everybody Talking about Jamie from ETAJ
- Valarie by Amy Whitehouse
- Carry on by Olivia Holt
- Who says by Selena Gomez
- Beautiful by Christina Agulara
Favorite movies
- The secret of moonacre
- All Harry Potter films
- The Little Princess
- Footloose (2011)
- Annie (1995)
Boys names
- Tom
- James
- Alexander
- Leonardo
- Henry
Girls name
- Annabeth
- Renesmee
- Crystal
- Trixie
- Peace.
Fun facts about me
- For my tenth birthday party, my year five teachers showed up to a brief five minutes. As it was held at a church across the road from my primary school. They did this to give me a birthday present of a book of Horrid Henry which I still got to date.
- I have a lazy eye in my left eye in which I need glasses to read.
- I'm slightly deaf in one ear.
- The earliest memory was when a Tennis ball come crashing through the window nearly hitting me in the head.
- My favorite memory of wildlife is when I was in a Tanzania when a monkey try and steal my pack lunch by taking it out my hands. However I waked it out of his hands and the monkey stood still for about 4 seconds and ran off. It's face was such a picture.
- A extra fact the first time I heard Never be Lonely by the feeling was in year 6 when we was watching an amateur version of Cinderella. Right away I loved the song and I had the song stuck in my head for over a month.
Anyway go to go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Thursday 15 March 2018
Crisis Skylight Theatre group and Open mic night
Well I went to Theatre group which is Crisis skylight runs where we did a bit of improve through different activities. Some examples include where you in pairs, one person has to keep talking, but the second have to butt in and say what is.....? and thru have to pick a single word that you said and it could be any word. Then you have to explain that word. I had to explain things like colour, ocean, coral and a few other things.
After that we all went to the open mic night at Theatre Deli. It was a fun night filled with talented people. Somehow I got roped into preforming twice. The first time was to open it. Which I was so not ready for. Thankfully it was as a group. So I don't mind. Then the 2nd time was Solo where I did poetry reading. I picked three poems that I've written, and just read it out loud.
Doing this was one of the hardest things I did in my life, because I was so afraid of what people might think. Due to my past of bullying and how every time I try and showcase my work people wouldn't just tell me it wasn't good and tell me how to improve, they would full of kill it. However people said they loved the three poems I read out.
Now I am home chilling out. Like nobody was going out afterwards so there was no point in trying to celebrate. Not like I have the money to do that anyway.
I wish you all the best.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
After that we all went to the open mic night at Theatre Deli. It was a fun night filled with talented people. Somehow I got roped into preforming twice. The first time was to open it. Which I was so not ready for. Thankfully it was as a group. So I don't mind. Then the 2nd time was Solo where I did poetry reading. I picked three poems that I've written, and just read it out loud.
Doing this was one of the hardest things I did in my life, because I was so afraid of what people might think. Due to my past of bullying and how every time I try and showcase my work people wouldn't just tell me it wasn't good and tell me how to improve, they would full of kill it. However people said they loved the three poems I read out.
Now I am home chilling out. Like nobody was going out afterwards so there was no point in trying to celebrate. Not like I have the money to do that anyway.
I wish you all the best.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Monday 12 March 2018
I'm nervous
I am scared for the open mic night for Thursday. Like I don't like standing in front of people and talking. Somehow I am reading my own poems in a room full of people. Most of which I don't know. As far as I know at least two people I know will be there to support me. The worst things I agreed to sing in a small group. Why don't somebody kill me now before it's too late.
Anyway I was going through poems I've been writing and there are at least three I'm semi happy with. I will never be like 100% happy with them, cause I always hate my poetry. However due to me writing them since I was like eleven I just stop doing it because I have a creative bone in my body. However I have to stop for tonight because I have a full day tomorrow.
I am looking forward to tomorrow cause that means I can finally finish my frame for the mirror and hopefully show you guys the end result, and start on my next product.
I do want to give either the tea cup or the cupcake to the Jamie family just to say congratulations for the WhatsonStage awards and the Olivier awards Nomination which I know for certain they will win. However it going to be difficult due to the fact that it might break in the post as it made of stained glass.
Any I let you get on with your day.
Currently listening to The Tide is High by Atomic Kittens.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Anyway I was going through poems I've been writing and there are at least three I'm semi happy with. I will never be like 100% happy with them, cause I always hate my poetry. However due to me writing them since I was like eleven I just stop doing it because I have a creative bone in my body. However I have to stop for tonight because I have a full day tomorrow.
I am looking forward to tomorrow cause that means I can finally finish my frame for the mirror and hopefully show you guys the end result, and start on my next product.
I do want to give either the tea cup or the cupcake to the Jamie family just to say congratulations for the WhatsonStage awards and the Olivier awards Nomination which I know for certain they will win. However it going to be difficult due to the fact that it might break in the post as it made of stained glass.
Any I let you get on with your day.
Currently listening to The Tide is High by Atomic Kittens.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Sunday 11 March 2018
Hi
Well today it was a typical Sunday, apart from the fact I woke up at 11am which is so not like me. I am normally the kind of person who if I don't have anything on will still wake up at 8. I must of been tired. Of was having a good dream. Not like I can remember what it was about.
About 2:30pm I made my way slowly to church as I had a bad leg and I did want to put to much weight on it and cause it to much damage walking on it. I was on the student bar today so that why I had to come early. I said hello to everybody who was there when I arrived. Everybody was in rehearsal still so I casual walked in had a little boogie with Bry and James, who was just there watching the rehearsal before setting the student bar up. Not like I needed to. Not a single tea sold. After that thankfully Jack Palmer who we all know as Prince, drove me home thankfully.
When I did I had dinner nothing special before watching the final episode of call the Midwife for session seven. I now have to wait until Christmas to I can see it again. Oh how I cried as on of the girls called her daughter Barbara. I was like no here comes the tears. Flooding the leaving, the Reggie gave Tom a toy carousel. Which made me cry even more as that what they had on their wedding day. Like why do you have to do this to me?
Anyway now I have to stop befor I cry even more.
However before I forget, Happy Mother's day for all the mums out there. You are loved. From single mums to mum like figures. You are amazing, and we wouldn't be here without you.
Anyway goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
About 2:30pm I made my way slowly to church as I had a bad leg and I did want to put to much weight on it and cause it to much damage walking on it. I was on the student bar today so that why I had to come early. I said hello to everybody who was there when I arrived. Everybody was in rehearsal still so I casual walked in had a little boogie with Bry and James, who was just there watching the rehearsal before setting the student bar up. Not like I needed to. Not a single tea sold. After that thankfully Jack Palmer who we all know as Prince, drove me home thankfully.
When I did I had dinner nothing special before watching the final episode of call the Midwife for session seven. I now have to wait until Christmas to I can see it again. Oh how I cried as on of the girls called her daughter Barbara. I was like no here comes the tears. Flooding the leaving, the Reggie gave Tom a toy carousel. Which made me cry even more as that what they had on their wedding day. Like why do you have to do this to me?
Anyway now I have to stop befor I cry even more.
However before I forget, Happy Mother's day for all the mums out there. You are loved. From single mums to mum like figures. You are amazing, and we wouldn't be here without you.
Anyway goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Friday 9 March 2018
Today I chilled out with a house listening to music, to which she casual told me there was a stabbing on my street yesterday, one person died and the other still in hospital. I knew that Pitsmoor is like one of the most dangerous area to live on, but that doesn't mean that things doesn't shock me or my me feel scared. I know I am from a area like Pitsmoor but that was more burning people's cars, theft and rape. Thankfully I never been effected in gang crimes. Which is odd because I been friends with people who are in gangs.
Anyway apart from coping with the fact that there was a stabbing down the road from me. It been a chilled down. Me and my house mates talking about cats, and how this beautiful ginger cat who i haven't seen in over six months ran up to me last night when I walk round her normal spot. I was so happy to see her again. I thought something happened to her, but I glad nothing happened.
I don't want to go to counseling next Wenesday for grieving. Like I know what I'm going through is just my way of coping, and I don't need a professional to tell me that. Then again I need some help as I have such a sense that my friends death is all my fault ad I was the only one in. There are times where I want to swap my life for hers. Feels like I need to be blamed for her death. Hence times that I self harmed. Like today.
It been 20 years since my biological father died from an epileptic fit. Like there are times where I want somebody to hug and call dad, or wonder what it be like with a father figure in my life. I know I don't know anything about him, apart from that he loved me, so much that out of my biological mother and him, he was able to understand that for me to have a better life that he needed to let me go and let the social services take me off them. That plus how he passed away.
Anyway I talk to you soon
Goodnight
Love you
Zanny xx
Anyway apart from coping with the fact that there was a stabbing down the road from me. It been a chilled down. Me and my house mates talking about cats, and how this beautiful ginger cat who i haven't seen in over six months ran up to me last night when I walk round her normal spot. I was so happy to see her again. I thought something happened to her, but I glad nothing happened.
I don't want to go to counseling next Wenesday for grieving. Like I know what I'm going through is just my way of coping, and I don't need a professional to tell me that. Then again I need some help as I have such a sense that my friends death is all my fault ad I was the only one in. There are times where I want to swap my life for hers. Feels like I need to be blamed for her death. Hence times that I self harmed. Like today.
It been 20 years since my biological father died from an epileptic fit. Like there are times where I want somebody to hug and call dad, or wonder what it be like with a father figure in my life. I know I don't know anything about him, apart from that he loved me, so much that out of my biological mother and him, he was able to understand that for me to have a better life that he needed to let me go and let the social services take me off them. That plus how he passed away.
Anyway I talk to you soon
Goodnight
Love you
Zanny xx
Thursday 8 March 2018
Feet hurting
So I have finally got an appointment with Cruise what is like a grieving counseling. However I know that is a good thing as I need to talk about my emotions, back it bring back bad memories of my first high school and how they sent me to a counselor, to then to be told that I'm don't have problem it the school and they mistreated me. So it bringing up all this anger, fear and the sense of feeling lost, because I don't know who to talk to about this.
Anyway today felt long as I went to do a bit of drama\games session that is run by crisis. It about seeing things from both a user and then as a leader. So we talked about how like warming up is important, and little activities is important as a leader and somebody who is involed.
We started singing this song for like one of the activity for focus and the leader said why don't we do this for open Mic night. None of us heard the song before so this going to be interesting. Thankfully it the same words and action but faster and faster. We thinking about getting everybody up and doing with us. The cool thing is the person who runs it is a fan of Everybody Talking about Jamie and we was singing Jamie songs where ever we could fit them in. I never mat this women before and she already in my good books. The other fun fact which I found out today and I known her for a while now, the person who looks over the Arts for Crisis housed two of the girls from Jamie when they was here in Sheffield.
After I done that I quickly walked like my legs was about to full off quickly walked to Coactive where we looked over two videos from Elevation Church, which is a massive Church in America, and we talked about what we liked and don't liked about what we see. One was edited post service the second was edited live. So we did that. Then I walked home and now here I am. Nice and cosy in bed.
I wish you all a goodnight.
Love you
Zanny
Anyway today felt long as I went to do a bit of drama\games session that is run by crisis. It about seeing things from both a user and then as a leader. So we talked about how like warming up is important, and little activities is important as a leader and somebody who is involed.
We started singing this song for like one of the activity for focus and the leader said why don't we do this for open Mic night. None of us heard the song before so this going to be interesting. Thankfully it the same words and action but faster and faster. We thinking about getting everybody up and doing with us. The cool thing is the person who runs it is a fan of Everybody Talking about Jamie and we was singing Jamie songs where ever we could fit them in. I never mat this women before and she already in my good books. The other fun fact which I found out today and I known her for a while now, the person who looks over the Arts for Crisis housed two of the girls from Jamie when they was here in Sheffield.
After I done that I quickly walked like my legs was about to full off quickly walked to Coactive where we looked over two videos from Elevation Church, which is a massive Church in America, and we talked about what we liked and don't liked about what we see. One was edited post service the second was edited live. So we did that. Then I walked home and now here I am. Nice and cosy in bed.
I wish you all a goodnight.
Love you
Zanny
Wednesday 7 March 2018
The Sun of my heart
My heart,
It sings.
Of what tomorrow might brings
Will the sun of my heart
Burst through the darkness of my mind,
Or will the rain of my past
Drain the torchlight of my soul.
The mask that I wear
To hide whats underneath.
The pain
The scars
The heartache
The lost of love ones.
I need to get through this.
To swim through the ocean of tears
The fire of my fear
To grab the outstretched hand,
That is love.
I know some of can't come to the open mic night for the Charity that is Crisis Skylight next Thursday. Soi thought that I might share one of my poems in which I'm going to read on the night.
Anyway time to get going
Currently listening to Phoenix by Olivia Holt
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
It sings.
Of what tomorrow might brings
Will the sun of my heart
Burst through the darkness of my mind,
Or will the rain of my past
Drain the torchlight of my soul.
The mask that I wear
To hide whats underneath.
The pain
The scars
The heartache
The lost of love ones.
I need to get through this.
To swim through the ocean of tears
The fire of my fear
To grab the outstretched hand,
That is love.
I know some of can't come to the open mic night for the Charity that is Crisis Skylight next Thursday. Soi thought that I might share one of my poems in which I'm going to read on the night.
Anyway time to get going
Currently listening to Phoenix by Olivia Holt
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Tuesday 6 March 2018
Fun and congratulations
Today as always I went to Crisis and I've finally finished a chapter in Word. I was happy about that. Well it a first draft of it. Like I done poems and completed them, however we never had enough time to finish a chapter, but he allowed me to finish this chapter that I started today.
I have so many stories that I've started but haven't finished. I want to share these stories. However I don't know where to start, as well as even though the person who runs word art. He said he truly enjoys my stories and how I just come up with these stories right up on the spot. I can never get in the mind frame that they are good enough to share.
After that I did stained glass art. Which is always loads of fun. I just find it relaxing. Also I like how we all working on different things and that the person who runs it don't tell you what to make. She allows you to make what ever you want. Like one person is making a 3D rubic cube. I'm still making a frame for a mirror.
I just enjoy seeing it progress each week. Hopefully I will finish this price by next week. I just need to draw out a Tea Pot out ready for next week.
After that I had writing for fun which was interested. As I carried on my Frank the Alien story, who is trying to escape his parents who are just horrible, but got trapped by Jessica and Henrietta. Jessica is a Paralympic runner. Who want money to support her family, and Henrietta want the fame. Jessica and Frank are friends but Henrietta well she don't see anything but the money and fame in which Frank can bring them.
Then I came home I saw that Everybody Talking about Jamie, has been Nominated not just for 1 or 2 awards but for 5 Olivier awards. Which I am so happy for, I can't wait for the night. I will be at home with tea, chocolate, buffet style food and keep an eye on all social media, that I can. As soon as they win any, I will be screaming with joy so loud that they would hear me from London.
I'm just so happy for all that are involved in Jamie. I love in what the show represent and I just love how much it has grown since Sheffield. I feel like a proud cousin seeing there favourite cousin doing something that I know they are always able to do. As, when I seen it for the first time last year, all I thought that this going to be massive and award winning. I can't wait to see where the next couple of years to see where the musical goes.
Listening to ready or not by Bridget Mendler
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
I have so many stories that I've started but haven't finished. I want to share these stories. However I don't know where to start, as well as even though the person who runs word art. He said he truly enjoys my stories and how I just come up with these stories right up on the spot. I can never get in the mind frame that they are good enough to share.
After that I did stained glass art. Which is always loads of fun. I just find it relaxing. Also I like how we all working on different things and that the person who runs it don't tell you what to make. She allows you to make what ever you want. Like one person is making a 3D rubic cube. I'm still making a frame for a mirror.
I just enjoy seeing it progress each week. Hopefully I will finish this price by next week. I just need to draw out a Tea Pot out ready for next week.
After that I had writing for fun which was interested. As I carried on my Frank the Alien story, who is trying to escape his parents who are just horrible, but got trapped by Jessica and Henrietta. Jessica is a Paralympic runner. Who want money to support her family, and Henrietta want the fame. Jessica and Frank are friends but Henrietta well she don't see anything but the money and fame in which Frank can bring them.
Then I came home I saw that Everybody Talking about Jamie, has been Nominated not just for 1 or 2 awards but for 5 Olivier awards. Which I am so happy for, I can't wait for the night. I will be at home with tea, chocolate, buffet style food and keep an eye on all social media, that I can. As soon as they win any, I will be screaming with joy so loud that they would hear me from London.
I'm just so happy for all that are involved in Jamie. I love in what the show represent and I just love how much it has grown since Sheffield. I feel like a proud cousin seeing there favourite cousin doing something that I know they are always able to do. As, when I seen it for the first time last year, all I thought that this going to be massive and award winning. I can't wait to see where the next couple of years to see where the musical goes.
Listening to ready or not by Bridget Mendler
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Monday 5 March 2018
A warming voice
I'll carry you, when you can't walk
I will give you Shelter when it rains.
I will give you food when you hungry.
I do this for you.
Yet..
When I am in pain,
No hope for tomorrow
All run away.
Scared of where to go
Then there was a hand,
A warming voice
To help me through.
Tells me I'm worth the fight.
Understand,
When I need help to stand.
Land and sea
Keep us apart
True friends,
Will always be there.
No mater how far
You was there.
When I gave up hope.
Giving me a reason to keep going.
Thank you for all who keep on making me smile and reminding me to keep fighting and that I am worth all the love you guys show mW.
I will give you Shelter when it rains.
I will give you food when you hungry.
I do this for you.
Yet..
When I am in pain,
No hope for tomorrow
All run away.
Scared of where to go
Then there was a hand,
A warming voice
To help me through.
Tells me I'm worth the fight.
Understand,
When I need help to stand.
Land and sea
Keep us apart
True friends,
Will always be there.
No mater how far
You was there.
When I gave up hope.
Giving me a reason to keep going.
Thank you for all who keep on making me smile and reminding me to keep fighting and that I am worth all the love you guys show mW.
Sunday 4 March 2018
Why?
I went to the 10am and 5pm service at my church because there are two different messages and well why not. First service I was on Filter Bar, which offer teas and cereal for all the students at Hope City. Thankfully I wasn't serving at the 5pm because it pastor Dave Gilpin normally I am on back camera where we have to track the pastor where ever they go. Let just say Dave he moves a lot, very fast and not just left and right, but up and down. After he is on my arm hurts and so does my head.
In between each other I went home and chilled out. I was asked if I can swap which week I do for Wiz Tots. Normally I do week 4, but I was asked if I can do week 2 instead, all because of low numbers and the first person they could think of was me. I said I can do it. So as it not a straight going right into week 2 it will go.
18th March and 15th April are Week 4 then from 29th April onwards I be on week two. I enjoy the little tots, they cute and funny. One day I would like to see some of my own in there but I'll need a man and get married.
After the 5pm service said goodnight to all my friends, agreed to go for coffee again with James. No date been set yet, but he did say soon. So I am looking forward to that as I really enjoyed hanging out with him.
Then I got home and throw the telly on and watched Call the Midwife. I wept so much for Tom so much, like poor him why are the writer playing with his poor heart like this, it to much. Like they couldn't kill Barbara and she died well on screen. So at the moment I very upset as Barbara and Tom are the best characters on the show. Me and my house mate was just sitting on the sofa crying at the scene when she died because we watched it.
Currently listening to Season of Love from Rent.
Anyway before I cry anymore I wish you a goodnight.
All my love
Zanny xx
In between each other I went home and chilled out. I was asked if I can swap which week I do for Wiz Tots. Normally I do week 4, but I was asked if I can do week 2 instead, all because of low numbers and the first person they could think of was me. I said I can do it. So as it not a straight going right into week 2 it will go.
18th March and 15th April are Week 4 then from 29th April onwards I be on week two. I enjoy the little tots, they cute and funny. One day I would like to see some of my own in there but I'll need a man and get married.
After the 5pm service said goodnight to all my friends, agreed to go for coffee again with James. No date been set yet, but he did say soon. So I am looking forward to that as I really enjoyed hanging out with him.
Then I got home and throw the telly on and watched Call the Midwife. I wept so much for Tom so much, like poor him why are the writer playing with his poor heart like this, it to much. Like they couldn't kill Barbara and she died well on screen. So at the moment I very upset as Barbara and Tom are the best characters on the show. Me and my house mate was just sitting on the sofa crying at the scene when she died because we watched it.
Currently listening to Season of Love from Rent.
Anyway before I cry anymore I wish you a goodnight.
All my love
Zanny xx
Saturday 3 March 2018
Lonely
Today I felt very lonely, there was nothing to do. Nobody in to talk to, and I couldn't go out for a walk due to the snow and how slippy around where I live.
There isn't really anybody who I talk to where I live, and I feel like if I text or FB message them I feel like it going to take ages to respond, and with my mental health, that isn't a good thing. I know some time people are busy but there are people out there, where you know they read your message but they choice to blank it out to a like three days later and respond they just seen the message.
I just feel very worthless today, unhappy, angry with life, depressed and tried. Like I'm trying to stay away from that song but I can't and it making me feel worse and that is glee version of "If I Die young" and strange magic "I'll never fall in love again"
I really get myself sorted out. I want to make something for myself, but people making it hard for me to do that, which making me feel even worse about myself.
I wish I just see myself they way people see me. However I can't and I am getting scared at the fact that I can't. The reason is because of the thoughts that go through my head.
I am fighting though, but this fight is lonely. I feel like I am fighting it alone with kids toys. I want to win this but realistically looking at my odds, it not in my favor.
One of the staff asked all the girls who attended a meeting, asked the whole group if there a member of staff you feel you can talk to if we needed somebody to talk to. Well all about from me said kind of I said no, and she only was bothered by the kind of.
Like come on the one place where I am meant to have my opinion heard and I am being blanked. Like they know what I am going through and they not making me feel better. They making me feel worse about myself.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
There isn't really anybody who I talk to where I live, and I feel like if I text or FB message them I feel like it going to take ages to respond, and with my mental health, that isn't a good thing. I know some time people are busy but there are people out there, where you know they read your message but they choice to blank it out to a like three days later and respond they just seen the message.
I just feel very worthless today, unhappy, angry with life, depressed and tried. Like I'm trying to stay away from that song but I can't and it making me feel worse and that is glee version of "If I Die young" and strange magic "I'll never fall in love again"
I really get myself sorted out. I want to make something for myself, but people making it hard for me to do that, which making me feel even worse about myself.
I wish I just see myself they way people see me. However I can't and I am getting scared at the fact that I can't. The reason is because of the thoughts that go through my head.
I am fighting though, but this fight is lonely. I feel like I am fighting it alone with kids toys. I want to win this but realistically looking at my odds, it not in my favor.
One of the staff asked all the girls who attended a meeting, asked the whole group if there a member of staff you feel you can talk to if we needed somebody to talk to. Well all about from me said kind of I said no, and she only was bothered by the kind of.
Like come on the one place where I am meant to have my opinion heard and I am being blanked. Like they know what I am going through and they not making me feel better. They making me feel worse about myself.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Friday 2 March 2018
Ink and water Coffee Shop
Today I mat up with my friend James Thorns and went for a coffee in a cute little coffee shop called Ink and Water in Sheffield which he recommended and it is nice.
I had a pot of tea and he had a Latte. We talked for about one hour thirty well just under, about random things. I really had fun. The annoying thing is that he might be going of to Cambridge for about three months. Then I said we all miss you he said he will miss everybody, he will miss me.
At 12:30 we both went our different ways as he had to go to a meeting. So I went home and listened to music which always a great way to not think of anything for a bit. Like I will miss him but I know the reason for James going to Cambridge is for a great chance.
So I have to let him go. Plus anyway he only see me as a friend and only a friend, well he didn't say that but he didn't say he has feeling for me as well. I know I just over thinking about it. He just a guy if he like me great, if he doesn't then he doesn't.
It just hard for my heart for my heart to open up to a guy like that, it takes ages to heal. So anyway I got to go.
Listening to What the Hell by Avril Lavigne
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
I had a pot of tea and he had a Latte. We talked for about one hour thirty well just under, about random things. I really had fun. The annoying thing is that he might be going of to Cambridge for about three months. Then I said we all miss you he said he will miss everybody, he will miss me.
At 12:30 we both went our different ways as he had to go to a meeting. So I went home and listened to music which always a great way to not think of anything for a bit. Like I will miss him but I know the reason for James going to Cambridge is for a great chance.
So I have to let him go. Plus anyway he only see me as a friend and only a friend, well he didn't say that but he didn't say he has feeling for me as well. I know I just over thinking about it. He just a guy if he like me great, if he doesn't then he doesn't.
It just hard for my heart for my heart to open up to a guy like that, it takes ages to heal. So anyway I got to go.
Listening to What the Hell by Avril Lavigne
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Thursday 1 March 2018
Snow day
I shouldn't really call it snow day it more me sitting in my room keeping nice and warm well my housemates build a snowman. They seamed to have fun but I have bad memories of snowballs. They best on the ground and not grown into somebody face.
I would normally have singing for fun and coactive tonight, but due to the snow they both be canceled. It would not like effected because I walk every where anyway.
I went to the corner shop to get some milk and sugar cause I needed some, I chilled out a bit. Before I started to write a story on Quotev. I haven't published any of it ad I want a good amount of the story before I publish so I don't feel rushed to write another chapter. Hopefully I will get something good enough to publish by Sunday. I will post the link to it on here once I have publish a couple of chapters.
After that I watched Save the last Dance which is an amazing film. It got my favorite actress Julia Stiles in it. She plays Sara, who give up something she love due to losing somebody she loves, but friends reminds her way she love it
Anyway as I have to go as I meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow and I don't want to be tired.
Listening to murder on the dancefloor by Sophie Ellis-bexter (epic tune)
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
I would normally have singing for fun and coactive tonight, but due to the snow they both be canceled. It would not like effected because I walk every where anyway.
I went to the corner shop to get some milk and sugar cause I needed some, I chilled out a bit. Before I started to write a story on Quotev. I haven't published any of it ad I want a good amount of the story before I publish so I don't feel rushed to write another chapter. Hopefully I will get something good enough to publish by Sunday. I will post the link to it on here once I have publish a couple of chapters.
After that I watched Save the last Dance which is an amazing film. It got my favorite actress Julia Stiles in it. She plays Sara, who give up something she love due to losing somebody she loves, but friends reminds her way she love it
Anyway as I have to go as I meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow and I don't want to be tired.
Listening to murder on the dancefloor by Sophie Ellis-bexter (epic tune)
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
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