Today I chilled out with a house listening to music, to which she casual told me there was a stabbing on my street yesterday, one person died and the other still in hospital. I knew that Pitsmoor is like one of the most dangerous area to live on, but that doesn't mean that things doesn't shock me or my me feel scared. I know I am from a area like Pitsmoor but that was more burning people's cars, theft and rape. Thankfully I never been effected in gang crimes. Which is odd because I been friends with people who are in gangs.

Anyway apart from coping with the fact that there was a stabbing down the road from me. It been a chilled down. Me and my house mates talking about cats, and how this beautiful ginger cat who i haven't seen in over six months ran up to me last night when I walk round her normal spot. I was so happy to see her again. I thought something happened to her, but I glad nothing happened.

I don't want to go to counseling next Wenesday for grieving. Like I know what I'm going through is just my way of coping, and I don't need a professional to tell me that. Then again I need some help as I have such a sense that my friends death is all my fault ad I was the only one in. There are times where I want to swap my life for hers. Feels like I need to be blamed for her death. Hence times that I self harmed. Like today.

It been 20 years since my biological father died from an epileptic fit. Like there are times where I want somebody to hug and call dad, or wonder what it be like with a father figure in my life. I know I don't know anything about him, apart from that he loved me, so much that out of my biological mother and him, he was able to understand that for me to have a better life that he needed to let me go and let the social services take me off them. That plus how he passed away.

Anyway I talk to you soon

Goodnight

Love you

Zanny xx