What just happened?

Oh my what happened. I was thinking that today was an average  d. Then I for home from church around 10 to 8 at night. I chilled out in the office till I came to me room.

I quickly checked Facebook to see a notifications that somebody posted on the link from last night blog for the poem. It said if this said person can share the poem with their school in which they work at, and that it is a great message.
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My poem
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My poem will be shared in a class, like I say that they can. But I honestly wrote from my heart. I personally didn't think it good enough to post. Let alone for it to be shared at a school. So it honestly brought a tear to my eye, to think that it is worthy enough to share in front of a school.

It just like... Now my head gone all out of it. There are no words in the English language that I can think of that express how I feel, or even how much this means to me. I not anybody famous, I'm not a published author. I am just somebody in Sheffield who write blogs with a original poem thrown in there. It defiantly not something I thought I would be saying at 22.

I need to start listening to the people who love me and try and boost my confidence up. As it clear to see I can do stuff. I just to need to learn to break the chains that hold me back.

Any way I got to go

See you soon

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Let yourself shine

I've was told that I was creative, so even though I enjoy writing poems. I tried to not be too hard on myself and post something that is fresh of the page and right from the heart.

So the poem today took me about two mineuts to write. Not even that, but I just round it up. It not the best but it is something I guess. So here it is.

The path you take
To which you need to go
To reach your dream
Are not as easy
In that your first hope.
Twist, turns, ups and down
But the love in you
Will be your wings
That will carry you.
You are a star
In which in the night sky
There is a place
For you
The other stars 
Cheer you on
Waiting for you.
So let yourself shine
And take your rightful place
For others to see.

That the best I've got. I know there some things I need to change, but I thought I might challenge myself and not worry about how good it is. Even though I probably hate the fact that I've posted a rubbish poem on the internet. Any way I don't want to bore you

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

About a month

For about a month now I have this odd sense that I don't know who I am as a person. A lot of my friends say I am strong in the sense I am brave but I don't feel it. I just feel week.

Even though I didn't know myself completely, when I was a teenager. Mainly in year 10 and 11 though. However I could still say that me and describe my self. It is like I am in a different body and I have to learn everything about this one.

So for the past month I been learning about myself and trying found out who I am as a person. If you reading this and you know me on more a personal level. It would be really helpful to me to try and get to know me if you tell me what you think of me, or even who I am or a person, traits you notice about me, that could be personality or physical.

Here a few things I learnt about myself

1. I'm not brave, I'm just a fighter. I just trying to fight the fear the I have and carry on despite being scared. There have been times where I feel like I am going to loose, and there have been times where I have nearly lost.
2. I'm a hopefully. I just hopefully that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even when there is still a speck of light of light, in a tunnel that feel like it can go on for miles. I will be hopeful that if I keep on walking, doesn't how tired I get, one day I will get there.

That the only things I know about myself apart from that, I don't know. I just feel like a stranger to my self. It honestly annoying. I currently listening to Beautiful from the musical beautiful. One of the lyrics are "you are as beautiful as you feel." At the moment it feel like a pig is better looking then me.

It annoying, I am tired of thinking that of myself, however it is true how I feel. I know I'm not beautiful, but I need to start believing that it shouldn't matter, as it should be on the inside that count.

Now got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

My day

Today I tried even though I was scared due to recent events, to go outside. In case another man approach me. However a friend called Jess walked into town with me today. So at least it got me out the house.

I was meant to go to singing for fun, today Jess . We both got there with half an hour too spare. So we just chilled out till it came to half past to then been told that, after I had to call the person from Crisis. To be informed I should of been called by crisis office that she ill. So it would be canceled for today.

So me and Jess walked to Jess's  mum's work place to surprise her and have a Ginger Bear. After she did some shopping I want to church for COACTIVE where I eat a lot of watermelon, and have Pineapple, banana and coconut smoothie which I never tried before but loved.

Today was the present party. So we just watched one of the preaches from the Present conference in Sydney, Australia. It was a really good preach. Thankfully it finished just after 8 so it give me enough time to get home before it was to late. 

My friend Jess informed me that she informed the community officer that come to my hostel, to see if there any problem and informs staff of any unusual activity to keep use safe. Jess told them about me and and other girls in the hostel haven been followed and approach by men these past couple of days. So they say if they notice one of us that they make sure we are alright.

Anyway I got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Dates

So first thing first dates for the next Open mic night and the Painted fabrics. The open mic night is on July 3rd which is Tuesday and is open free of charge but donations is thankful. It will be at the same place as the last one which is Theater Deli 6 to 9:30 at night. Then for Painted fabrics production it looks like it going to be on the 30th November and the 1st December but those date or not written in stone yet. It 100% going to be in November though.

Today I've been over stressing. As this morning I had Counseling, and what happened on Saturday, Sunday and yesterday made me doubt myself and that I should just trap myself in my room so I can be safe from guys who I never mat before approaching me and touching me in very inappropriate places.

It 100% made me feel that I can't trust anyone anymore. I only had trust issues since I was little. I never pur my trust in people fully in fear, but with whole situation with these man, like how can I be certain in a random person who walks up to me, truly want to be nice, or acting nice to get some action.

The worse thing was, the guy yesterday had the nerve to do it in town near the Crucible in Sheffield as I was waiting for the number 3 to Meadowhall as I need that to get home if I decide to get a bus. Which is super rare, I probably get the bus if I running late to something or if I'm carrying something heavy. So very rare.

Anyway hopefully I will write a bit of a story tomorrow and I will post a sample paragraph, that I think is good enough. Knowing me none of them be good enough by then if ui post it then I can get advice on how to improve my work.

I probably need to stop hating my work because people do enjoy my work for some odd reason, because neither my poetry or my stories are that good. They not in the smudge even good. But one guy from crisis says he love my stories then again he is odd.

Anyway I leave you all get on with your life now.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Sorry

I know I say I will post on a Monday for my poems but I had quite a busy day and it totally slipped my mind. So to make it up I will post one tonight. So here it goes.

Time slow down
As I know look into his eyes
How there so much pain
Yet so much power
So much evil
Yet so kind
His story of what's been
Keeps the flame
Of our hearts
Glowing
Listen, closely
Or you might miss
The words he most want you to hear
"As all is done
A friend not far
Just look for the asters
And I'll be there.
Glory of snow
Will lead the way
To which you seek
For your heart."

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This poem was written last Tuesday. Now little flower lesson Asters in Hebrew I think means stars and Glory of snow if left to their own they can get out of control. This poem I picture a very wise and tall woodland beast in a magical forest, and a group of young adults are on a quest but got confronted by this beast. By this riddle alone they find out that not all the group true intention was there in the first place.

Anyway it 10 to 10 at night as I finish this.

So I wish you all a goodnight

Love you

Zanny

New Royal Baby

Unless you've been living under a rock or been super busy. The Duke and Duchesses of Cambridge, Prince William and Kate have welcomed their third baby to the world. It a healthy boy. Name is not up yet been revealed yet to the public. He will be the 5th in line to the thorn meaning that Prince Andrew is now 7th in line to the thorn and if he want to remarry then he doesn't have to ask his mum permission.

That it for all for the Royal baby. If you know me well then you know that I like to keep up to date in all thing Royal. I just think everybody think it all dresses, crowns and looking pretty. However that part of the role of a Royal. Despite this the public don't understand that there loads of rules of which every member of the Royal family have to follow. For example female can't cross their legs. They have to tilt their legs at an angle. They can if they want cross their ankles. Even drinking tea and coffee have a rule.

Let get onto my day. It was a wried one because normally on a Monday I meet someone at 11 from a Charity called NOMAD however she was busy in the morning and asked to meet at 1. So that means that I don't have to leave the house till 12. Where if I mat her at 11 I would meet at 10 so it totally messed my body clock up.

After that I mat somebody from Crisis Skylight as the sessions are back up and running. Today was writing for fun, which was loads of fun. I wrote a super short story, and the task was that I had to pick 6 random letters 5 of which I turn to words I know and then one I don't. Then those 6 words I need to write a story from it. We had two pictures on top to add in the story.

Anyway I need to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny

Four thousand views!!!!!

Wow I honest that this blog got 4000 views like I know that this isn't including the last blog. This is truly this blog on it own. I know 4000 isn't the typical number in which you celebrate. However for me it such because this year for me have been such an emotional rollercoaster of a year for me. There been times where I wanted to give up the blog and end my life.

haven't I am happy that I haven't stop writing my blog, nor end my life. I would like to thank you all for sticking through my madness, as I know at time I talk about nonsense. That is because I am crazy and I wanted to not have a really short blog post. Even though my blogs aren't long.

I am hoping to write longer post, this is hopefully help me improve my writing skills, as I still do hope to publish something one day. This could be something along the lines of a short story or a novel or somewhat in between.

I know I will be having to improve my vocabulary. I am improving in some areas. That why I am so thankful for you guys, because you all been supportive, even though I feel like me writing a book it totally a mad idea. I have so many idea for a book that I know before I've started that it going to hard to stay forces on one story.

I really need to get myself a notepad in which I can write my story upon, and try to write, at least a hour at first a week. The more I get into it the more I'll write.

I know when the painted fabrics production in November. When it comes nearer the time it going to be harder to write, but it 100% something I really feel like I need to do. As I need to bring my characters into reality some how.

Anyway it coming up to half an hour for writing my blog so that means I better stop talking about nonsense now.

I wish you all the best.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Stressed out

I know this post is earlier then I do normally, but I need to let this off my chest and I feel like this is the only way I can do this. So today I woke all happy, the sun was shinning and it wasn't to hot. Perfect weather for me.

I chilled out most of the morning, until 11 where I had a one to one with my key worker. Where we made a wellness toolbox for my depression. I just decorated a shoe box with nice paper and ribbons. After I did that I put items in there which make me happy. So I put in;

• Some herbal tea bags
• Two wands one from when I went to the studio tour in London, then the other one is from a friend.
• I put a stress ball in there as well because when I am depressed, I get angry so I throw that against the wall and catch it.
• I also put the only picture of my dad in there, as I just picture what it like to have a dad and having a father figure.
• Then I put my Jamie Program in from the west end, as that was when I was the most happiest in my life since about about 10/11 years ago.
• I also put the script and CD of everybody talking about Jamie, as an I got them for Christmas. I so wanted to cry of happiness of course but I had to stop myself. As I couldn't believe it. When I got home from being out I just cried as I was listening to the CD.

That all I put in. After that me and a house mate went to meet a friend of mine in the peace gardens where we then went to Marmaduke and had a cola and a Cheesecake. It was nice in town.

However when me and my housemates when we was walking home, there was this guy in his car. Trying to get us to come over to him. We didn't know him so we just carried on but then he kept on following us. Now both of us have history with people following us and be sexually harassed by men. So we was in a right state and we are both scared and shaking like mad.

Anyway got to go as I really need to calm down because now I am all worked up that the man who followed me and my housemate is outside. Which I have no prove of.

I just feel like I want to be on my own but I don't feel safe, I just feel like I going to do something stupid cause of the voices in my head.

Any way I wish you a goodnight

Love you

Zanny xx

Very random question

Today was another chilled day. I did a bit of cleaning, and wrote a poem for Monday blog because on Monday I won't have much time to write one.

After all of that I talked to one of the staff where we talked about Spiritual animals. Even though test always say dear I don't feel like it could be. Out of all the animals, it would be a Wolf, a dolphin or the Pygmy Monkey.

 I say I am more a Pygmy monkey due to the fact that even though they are sociable, they don't live in group any bigger then 12. With that when one of them dies they show great sadness, so that shows that they care about each other. They do fight, and they will fight to the death if it to defend themselves or others, but they tend to get along.

I thought I might look up some questions to answer about myself. Keeping in mind this is all in the moment idea I have no idea of what I'm going to answer the questions.

1. What is one of your favorite smells? I have to say the smell of bonfires, the smell of burning wood and the mud underneath just make me feel so relaxed and free. 
2. What personality trait do you value most and which do you dislike the most?  The one I like the most is I helpful, I am always wanting to help to the best of my abilities. The one I don't like is that I am too kind, I know being kind is good trait however due to how kind I am I think it getting to the point where people expect to much for me and the fact I can't seem to say no without the fear of hurting somebody feeling
3. What’s the title of the current chapter of your life? That would be: walls are falling down. Due to how I am feeling and that all my defance is breaking.
4. If you could have a never-ending candle that smelled like anything you wanted, what fragrance would you want it to be? Cinnamon and wild Apples. I got some herbal tea that flavour and it just smells so nice and it just send me to sleep all the time it helps me relax so much.
5. If you have a musical based on your life what would it be called? Now that is a hard one, because I'll doubt anybody want to make a musical based on me. If and that a big if there was a musical based on me I guess it would be called.... It all starts with Zee. I guess that alright name for a rubbish musical.

Anyway I can't believe how long I've been writing tonight blog for, but I got to go.

All the best.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

What going on?

I don't know what going on with me these passed two days I feel like I'm not myself, and that I am very panicky. I thinking it do to the weather, I know when I get to hot, I get like this. However it only been at the highest 22/23 degrees c.

I have been in hotter weather like it Tanzania it was in it 40's but I could bare it. I just hope that I can get used to it because I want to enjoy it. Once I got heyfever tablet and suncream though.

Today I just sat in my room basically all day there been nothing to do. So I am very thankful once Monday come because that means Crisis back up and running. It sad that I had to drop stained glass due to Painted fabrics production. As they both run at the same time. I am glad that I can go back to in November.

I thought as otherwise this be a very short post that I pick a random topic and talk about that. So I want on one of those random question Generator and got: if you could choose any era to live in, what would it be?

I would say the Tudor period, which will be 1485 to 1603. As they got people like Henry the 8th and Queen Elizabeth the 1st. Onemof the most famous play write lived during the Tudor era and that is the one and only William Shakespeare. I always been in love with the Tudor building and how much character in which they hold. I can't remember what the place called but it is in Leicester, I went there in primary school to this beautiful Tudor farm and experience what it was like living and working in the conditions of that era. I was just in love with the whole place.

Anyway I think I better go as it getting late now and I don't want to keep you here forever.  So I better stop before I carry on talking nonsense.

I wish you all the best

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

SPRING

Well today I can official say Spring is here. Well what everybody else calls it. I call it the Attack of the Pollen months, due to heyfever. All of today I been sneezing like mad, and my eyes haven itchy and sore like a good one.

So I been in most day. I just stood outside for 2 minutes where I stood in the shade, as I know I would burn easily where I was talking to some housemates and I got burnt. Two minutes and I got burn. How is that possible?

Apart from sneezing and burning I watched the first Fantastic beast and where to find them, which I just love. I just all the creatures, especially the niffler and the Mooncalf. I just can't wait to see the 2nd installment. I don't care what people say about Johnny Depp. He still a good actor, and he portrays his character really well and that is all I asked for.

 Plus I am one for forgiveness, and since the whole situation with him and his now ex last year there been nothing in the newspaper about him. So either the claim where false or he cleaned up his act.

If he cleaned up his act surely we should be given another shot. As the amount of times I messed up but I need 5 or 6 times to get it right. I know five or six is to many in some cases. Then maybe you just need the right people to show you the right way of doing things to help you to get you life back on track.

That all I got to say about Johnny Depp and the whole situation.

I wrote a bit as well as some singing to try and boost my self-esteem and happiness. As I normally am scared to sing even when I am own just in case people can hear even though I enjoy it.

Anyway I wish you all the best

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

First session of painted

Today was the first session of the painted fabrics production that is happening in November time. I was nervous even though I knew the person who running the first 15 weeks. I didn't know who else going to be in there. Thankfully there was two people who showed up who I know from the Crisis sessions.

So far the group seem to be alright. They seamed to be those sort of people if they have an idea, then they won't listen to anybody else. One person said that she doesn't want to act or write, then why come if you don't want to act and write. Like we will need people to come who are willing to be part of the show.

We need some more males due to era it is set. Which is ww1 time in Sheffield and it about the wounded solders and how they was taught how to create art with missing limbs.

I haven't been casted a role yet, but it more when we talk about format and layout of the show and write the script. So as time goes by I tell you how much I possible can. But as that is all that I have for now it has to do. Like of course I will post the date, time, location and how to buy tickets, when I got the information. I just know it is in November.

When I for home I had lunch and then we had residents meeting, which was pretty boring, there was nothing to talk about. As staff been ill so there been no staff meeting, so they couldn't bring forward any updates to use.

Like the amount of things they said, but they haven't followed through with is honestly just stupid. The worst thing is I can't move out just yet.

Due to waiting for something to be sent of and that has to be accepted. If this doesn't get accepted then let face it. I might as well be homeless. As most places that give me the support I need, will need this application to be accepted.

Let just face it, people with mental health issue don't get the proper help they need, because they people out there who take advantage of the system and now the government really strick on who can get their. There are a lot of people in the UK who are really struggling with their mental health, but the government won't help them because they can tie their shoe lace and that about it.

I just going to stop it there otherwise I can go on forever. So I wish you all the best.

Goodnight everybody

Love you.

Zanny xx

Poem #2

I know I promised that I poem. However due to events since posting yesterday blog. I just felt like everything I write for tonight blogs was just plain rubbish. It wasn't just my poems that I feel like are trash but myself. However I did try to write something. It terrible, but it something.

The fire it burns
Burning everything down
My dreams
My joy
My strength.
Every time the tree of esteem grows
The fire of pain hit.
The unarmored defence
Try to stop
The fire that engulf
What inside.
One day the defence will stop
And as the last tree will full
So will I.

I know there isn't much. However I just feel like why should I carry on, when every time I try and cope people had to remind me I'm not coping, on top of that it feels like I living in an hostel where I feel like I am in hell because as most of them are so rude to me.

Anyway I can't get to upset as I need to get ready for tomorrow is the first meeting for Printed Fabrics. I will tell you guys more nearer the time. With the date and time of the show.

I wish you all the best

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Unplanned poem

I know that I say that I normally post poems on a Monday. I am still going to post one tomorrow. However unforseen events today it didn't give me time to write notes of what I've done today or what I would like to talk about in today's blog. So I going to write up my poem which I wrote in my notepad at the start of the week. I hope you like it.

The magic within
Of the story 
Yet to be told
Of a troubled past
Of a girl
With broken wings
Trying to fly.
Not wanting to give up
Yet the crows hunt her
Ripping her wings
Not wanting to fly.
As they are jealous
Of her wings
As the scars they make 
Creates a beautiful
Person
Even though
I've got plenty of scars
I'm willing to show
Cause I am beautiful.
They can keep pecking 
But I won't stop 
As I am a bird
Ready to soar
And be loved.

That what I wrote last Monday, well most of it. As some I added during the week and mended. Like I am not happy with it. But it the best I can give you on such a sort notice as I got others lined up for tomorrow.

Anyway wishing you all the best.

Goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

Feel rubbish about myself

First of I need to rent otherwise it will be sitting on my heart and it really bothers me. Why do people think it alright to sexualize people, like come one I want to a shop which is a 5 minute walk from the hostel, and I had about 4 men clearly looking at my chest, and my housemates noticed a few other looking at my behind, and they was shouting rude things at me. Like how is it fair that in 2018 that I can't go to my local shop without being treated like this.

Thankfully my housemates made sure I was fine, one of them told a member of staff. All I managed to say, that there was nothing we can do. As unless they attack me the police won't get involved. However it something I have to put up with everytime I go outside.

At least I got to talk to two of the girls from the hostel and that we can't wait to watch Mamma Mia, which I just love. Well of course I have to love it as it my movie. They always asked me what films I got. I wonder what they do for movie nights once I move out because I won't lend a movie out every time they won't to watch a film.

Anyway if the all situation with the guys round my area making me feel unsafe. One of the residents who I was talking to today, like she is a lovely person but she always talks about death and suicide, like I'm not going through things. Like I won't break down, like I'm not wanting or wanted to kill myself. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her that I want to talk about death, or suicide, she always bring it up when I am around. She says I'm the only one she can talk to about it. However every time she does, I feel like I am worthless. 

So you can picture how I feel. Like I know I will get men like the one that I get where I live where ever I go, but it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me emotionally. Like I feel like I got nobody to talk to here.

On top of that my key worker want me to make this toolbox in which, if I ever feel like I want to self harm or want to end my life to go to the toolbox. However apart from putting the script and concept album of Jamie and the only picture that I have of my dad, there nothing else for me to put in there. As most other things I use day to day, like my headphones I use to listen to music. They mostly on my head from when I wake up to when I go bed. I wish there more because those 3 items won't always be enough.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Zanny xx

Bucket list

Today I thought that I might share my bucket list. Now this one is the thing to do before I die. Some more realistic money wise. Other are more like a dream of mine but will never be able to afford it. Even if I save it will unlikely but it shouldn't keen I shouldn't dream it. So here my list;

1.  Go to New York
2. Visit the Hollywood sign
3. Go the universal studios in Orlando, Florida.
4. Swim with Dolphins
5. Get a job in the film industry
6. Go to a film premiere.
7. Interview a celebrity
8. Go to a concert
9. Go to a festival
10. Go to India
11. Face a fear
12. Get a tattoo
13. Read a book by a author who I normally avoid.

That my current bucket list. I know there are something that you normally see on one. At the moment the only thing I think I will be able to afford do in my life time is 11 and 13. Like get a job in the film industry will be hard, as I don't really know how to get my foot in the door. Even if I do, I don't have any work in which I've done to show them. So if I have a chance to work on a film set I would take and so happy. For the rest there are all really dreams. I would love to do them but with my income and how much things are these day I won't be able to go. 

Anyway I wish you all the best.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

hey

First thing is to do, is to share the news if you haven't heard already, Everybody Talking about Jamie is doing a live screening at all major cinemas in the UK on July 5th, so I advise you go and see it as it is a "work of Art".

Today I went Tesco and did a big food shop as my freezer was empty and had nothing to eat for dinner. I know personally I can't afford Tesco, but I can't carry two weeks worth of food from somewhere like Heroin Food or Aldi especially on my own. Tired before and I always did my back in. So even though I had little bit more money I done my back in.

When I got back I started writing a story on Quotev. I thought I better share it somehow. Once I get a few more chapter out I will post the link to the story here. From that point I will post the link every time I post 3/4 chapter, in which I am happy about.

I thought now and then I should have a topic in which I blog. Some of which are interview someone for my blog who I look up to, share a dream and Q&A. If there a topic in which you want me to talk about, let me know.

Yesterday I posted a blog post that personally was really hard for me, but I think it was the right thing to do, because I feel better now that it is off my chest. There are something however there are things at the moment I can't talk about due to me being scared and embarrassed that these things happened to me.

I know one day I will have to let it out, but at the moment in time I can't find the right words for it. Let alone be brave enough, as I scared of what will happened if I do. As I won't be able to take anymore.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

Letting it off my chest

Even though I feel better today I still feel like there isn't any hope for tomorrow, and that I better just end it. I think it due how today in counseling I talked about an event what happened when I was 14 years old. Talking about it made me feel worthless and ashamed that it happened.

I thought I better come clean about it, hoping that by talking about this event will give a better understanding of who I am. When I was 14 I helped at two clubs both of which are for people with special needs. One on Monday for adults and then on Thursdays for youth.

At the Monday club there a man who at the times in his late 40's, early 50's and from that day he started following me everywhere, he would get me gift, even though he wasn't allowed, and I wasn't allowed to accept them. He was trying to touch me every single time and flirt with me.

The only person who sense something was up was my brother Robin, when one Thursday he showed up the youth club. At this point I stop helping at the clubs because I didn't feel safe, and I didn't know who I could talk to. My auntie could see it happening as she was running both clubs but she didn't anything about it.

Even though after I stopped helping out, he found out where I lived and started to ask if he can come round and hang out, when he knew I was only one in. I got to the point where I stopped answering the door. Thanksgiving after a while he stopped knocking. However it was the scariest year I had.

To this day I didn't tell anyone of what happened not even my friends or family. In fear of being judge. But I needed to get it off my chest because I can't keep in anymore, it too emotional.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Today I went to Primark to buy myself a new outfit. As I needed one, not for any reason apart from I need to start feeling good for myself. I thought if I start getting clothes that I like without worrying about what people think. Looks I know I will be finding what work for me well still buying things I like.

I know I want to try and get an outfit ready for Pride here in Sheffield. I probably wear the bottoms that I brought today because I totally in love with. They high waist, royal blue with a white Indian style patten they just finish before my ankle, and they got two good size pockets. That very rare in women clothes. Normally they either fake or there no pockets.

Anyway I thought I might share with you 7 quotes that I hope will make you feel better about yourself.

1. "We can complain because Rose bushes have thorns, or Rejoice because  Thorn bushes have Roses." Abraham Lincoln
2. Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can apprentice the light.
3. A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.
4. "Know in your heart all things are possible. We couldn't conceive of a miracle if none ever happened. " Libbie Fudim 
5.  Do not wait for the ship to come on, swim out to it.
6. "What you get by reaching your destination is not as important as what you will become by reaching your destination." Zig Ziglar.
7. "Our dreams lift us high where the world becomes beautiful again. " Carl T Atkinson

I hope by reading them you feel better within your self. As at the end of the day you are beautiful, and you are loved.

Anyway I wish you all the best.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Weekly poem #1

Today I mat up with a friend for a cuppa of tea and lunch. Where she gave me a notepad to write my poems down.  That got me thinking that every Monday I should share one of my poems in which I have written. I think it probably will give me at least some confidence, if I ever decided to publish my poems. Not like I will ever know how I will do it.

Any I wrote some poems. However they are all depressing, but poems is based on what you know and how you feeling. So here one.



When all is done,
When you can't take no more
Scared of life
No hope for tomorrow
The fire that burns
The water that drowns
The mind of a hater
Controls you
Until you are no more
Waiting for you to take
Your
Final breath
And 
Go
As you are not want
Never was
Never will be.




So yeah there this Monday poem. I know it is depression, but it the best I could write for this week. I couldn't write anything that have any other colour then black today. Hopefully by next Monday I would of written something with more yellow, or red.

Any got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

I have no idea what I am talking about anymore!!!

Today I had a friend come round for a cuppa tea, and we had a light breakfast. She kindly brought me some flowers which totally made my day, because nobody have ever brought me flowers before. I was looking for a glass as that the only thing I could put them in.

After that I did some I chilled out to when it was the sessions in which we attend on a Saturday. Some, well most of them I don't go to as I don't see the point in talking about these subject. Like today was good neighbours. Like what are they saying if we live here we won't be a good neighbours? I know they have to do certain ones like drug misuse, things about drinking, sexual health, positive relationship and women's health. The only thing I really need help on is Positive relationship, self-esteem and cooking.

Yet I feel like they never lesson to me. Like my key worker said she will help me go from throwing things in microwave to eat to proper home cook meals, when I moved in. This was back in September.

As I've been low on food, so for the past couple of days I just had bread and butter because that all I had, and I couldn't do any shopping because I can't afford it.

Not that I don't mind living of bread and butter for now, because I really not happy with the way I look.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Poems from open mic night

I thought as I have nothing to share tonight I might share the poems in which I read at the open mic night. Liked I promised, but some reason I never got read to it. I didn't give them any of them title as I didn't know what to call them.

The first one when I was writing it, I didn't know what tomorrow might bring, it might be good or it might be bad. However I know love out there somewhere.



My heart
It sings
Of what tomorrow might brings
Will the sun of my heart 
Burst through the darkness of my mind
Or will the rain of my past
Drown the flashlight of my soul.
The mask I wear
To hide what underneath
The pain 
The scars
The heartache
The lost of love ones
But I need to fight this
To fight through the oceans of tears
The fire of my despair
To grab the out reached hand
That is love

The second one I just wanted to say to the audience that they are loved. That there is a fire within them.

Hey you!
Listen
There is a change
A change worth fighting,
For a better life.
Where you can be you.
I can see the fire within
The swords at the ready.
Where even when we are one
We have the heart of 
Millions
So brothers
Sisters
Stand with me
And fight
Cause in the end 
You are worth
The love


When I was writing the last one which I read out I was confessed about a dream. All I heard throughout the whole dreams where these words. So

Breath
Listen
Close your eyes.
The forest is alive
Making me run
Deeper
Until I've stopped
This untouched world 
That's before me
Full of dreams
Full of magic
Full of love
The sounds of the leaf blowing in the wind 
The warmth of the sun rays hitting my face
As the sounds of birds singing their love songs.
As I sit on my rock 
Not wanting to leave 
My forever home





Those of the three that I read out loud in public. I still can't believe that I did that. They want me too read more poetry at the next open mic night. Which I didn't know what to say. I just say I will see as I will have to write more poems.


Anyway I will you all the best

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Just random talking

So I want to share one of my stories that I written, with you.  Even if it a little bit. However I am scared of sharing my stories. Even though two people who have heard my stories like them. Both of which are done English literacy at Uni and graduated.

One of which says that he like how I come up with a back story for every single character I have. I don't spend time thinking of who the characters are. The back story just form in front of me.

However most of my stories I done with Crisis skylight. So yesterday I decided to start writing my own story which nobody heard. I just want to write something from my heart.

I am not saying the past stories aren't from the heart, but because they started by accident. I like the ones I've started by accident because I carried on with them each week but this one I will write something when I have energy. At least I can get back to writing my Frank the Alien weekly from the 23rd April, at Couch café.

It be odd not doing any stained glass on a Tuesday for a while I really enjoy doing it. However I will have the Painted Fabrics which will over laps it. So I probably won't get back to November. Which is good cause I have loads that I don't know what to do with.

So if you want one of my stained glass creation or know somebody who love one. Let me know.

Anyway with the Olivier awards are this Sunday. I thought what would if my life was turned into a musical. Then I tried to think of some songs that I think would fit into my life. Here five

1. If I die young - glee version
2. Root before branches - glee
3. Here to us - glee
4. One moment in time - Whitney Houston
5.   Space Between - Descendants 2

I know this wouldn't be the full musical but if songs that already out there, where in a musical of my life these would suit it. However my life isn't interesting enough to be made in a musical. So nobody talking about Zanny.

So I am looking forward to spend some time with my friend Amber on Saturday. As she come round my house for a cuppa. Then I am meeting a Newbie on Monday. Our friendship started from our love for Everybody Talking about Jamie. That why I love the magic of the Theatre because friends can be made there.

Got to go now.

Goodnight everybody.

Love you.

Zanny xx.

5 things

Today I am going to write a list of things I think make me special. This could be due to my personality or looks. This isn't to brag about myself. I am doing this in a way I can build my self-esteem up. I will try to write at least five things. Then give a reason why. I might add more it depends on if I can think of any.

If you like the add to the list please let me know, I might do one of what my friends and love one. Mainly for when I feel down I can always go back to it and hoping reminding myself that I am loved. So here we go.

1. My eyes- I love my eye colour as it very unique in that it like a blue with a green or grey hint to it or both depending on the lighting. However if you look at my baby picture then they would be pure baby blue .
2. I'm creative - I am very creative in the sense I write stories, poems and on a board cast team. As well as doing other creative activity e.g. Acting which I would of thought this time last year I would never do. I enjoy watching it by I never thought of doing workshops on it.
3. I always try and smile- I try and be the one, that doesn't matter the weather I would have a smile on my face, because I believe smiles spread like wild fire. It can just light up anybody else day.
4. I'm wried- I am happy to say that I am odd because that mean I'm not normal, as who in the end want to be normal as that is boring. Being odd means you are happy with being you and that you don't mind being you in front of others.
5. I dress for me- lot of my close friends and family always ask why I don't keep with in the fashion. It because I don't want to dress to impress. I want to dress in what I feel comfy in well I find my style. 

That all that I can think of for now thank you for reading.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Poem

I'm back again. I don't really know what to write in today's blog post. As I had a quite a long day really.  So I thought I might share the poem I wrote yesterday when I was at my lowest.

Goodbye
I need to say
Goodbye.
Not see you soon
Goodbye
The I can't take this anymore
Goodbyes.
The pain in my heart.
Already killing me.
Killing anything good that inside me.
I know there no future for me.
No parents who love me.
Not a family to call my own.
No hand to hold when I get scared.
No calming voice to say
everything is alright.
I am lost and scared.
Nobody will know.


Goodbye.





____________________________________________________________________

I was really struggling yesterday to the point where I was soo closed to ending my own life. There was points today where I wanted to do it but didn't.

I guess I was scared.

Anyway goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

I am going to change how I look at myself, it going to be hard to do I know. There will be times where I feel like I want to give up. However I feel like it something that I must do.

I need to start thinking positive about myself, dress nicely, which probably means new wardrobe. Which be something other the years, as I won't be afford a new wardrobe full of clothes in one go. Just a way to feel more confidence in who I am and what I want to do in life.

I know most people at my age should have a clear idea of where they would like to go. Like I know what I want to be, but at the same time I don't know who I am. I  know that I come from a single parent family. I know from a young age I needed to not think about myself and grow up faster then I should. To be the bigger sister from 8 years old due to my teacher not being able to cope with my oldest sister. Which in the end not really having much time with my mum figure as she would be always calming my sister down.

I know like two things about myself self that I can and able to say. Which are I am creative, I've enjoy reading and writing poems and stories. Second is that I have nice eyes. My eyes in my opinion are the best features on my face. If anybody ask name one things I like about myself I will always say my eyes. As that what people say that the first thing that they noticed about me are my eyes. So yeah.

Anyway I got to go.

Talk to you soon.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Happy Easter

First off let me say Happy Easter. Let me just say Easter and Christmas are my favorite hoildays. Not because of the food element, even though it does help, but because of the reason we celebrate it. Now don't worry I won't go all Christian on you, I am just here if you want to ask any question, ask away.

Now first of sorry for the break I just had. I needed sometime to myself to think about things, as mentally I been struggling with certain things in which I didn't want to share even with my close friends let alone the whole world.

This week I finished my last stained glass piece for a while. Until November/December at the earliest I be back to stained glass art. So that give me enough time to look up some inspiration for me to do.

I also been writing some of my own stories and poems for the fun of it. Well I try and get a good collection of poems in which I am happy with, or at least, not angry at. As maybe one day I might want to publish something. That all down if I believe that any of my story/poetry book will sell.

I have so many characters in my head, that I will need to get myself a little notepad and pen, just so I can write down all my characters down. At the moment I don't have a favorite character, there are all very unique and special in there own way.

Anyway got to go.

I wish you all a goodnight.

Love you

Zanny xx