Feel rubbish about myself

First of I need to rent otherwise it will be sitting on my heart and it really bothers me. Why do people think it alright to sexualize people, like come one I want to a shop which is a 5 minute walk from the hostel, and I had about 4 men clearly looking at my chest, and my housemates noticed a few other looking at my behind, and they was shouting rude things at me. Like how is it fair that in 2018 that I can't go to my local shop without being treated like this.

Thankfully my housemates made sure I was fine, one of them told a member of staff. All I managed to say, that there was nothing we can do. As unless they attack me the police won't get involved. However it something I have to put up with everytime I go outside.

At least I got to talk to two of the girls from the hostel and that we can't wait to watch Mamma Mia, which I just love. Well of course I have to love it as it my movie. They always asked me what films I got. I wonder what they do for movie nights once I move out because I won't lend a movie out every time they won't to watch a film.

Anyway if the all situation with the guys round my area making me feel unsafe. One of the residents who I was talking to today, like she is a lovely person but she always talks about death and suicide, like I'm not going through things. Like I won't break down, like I'm not wanting or wanted to kill myself. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her that I want to talk about death, or suicide, she always bring it up when I am around. She says I'm the only one she can talk to about it. However every time she does, I feel like I am worthless. 

So you can picture how I feel. Like I know I will get men like the one that I get where I live where ever I go, but it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me emotionally. Like I feel like I got nobody to talk to here.

On top of that my key worker want me to make this toolbox in which, if I ever feel like I want to self harm or want to end my life to go to the toolbox. However apart from putting the script and concept album of Jamie and the only picture that I have of my dad, there nothing else for me to put in there. As most other things I use day to day, like my headphones I use to listen to music. They mostly on my head from when I wake up to when I go bed. I wish there more because those 3 items won't always be enough.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Zanny xx