Let be truthful. I wasn't go to post tonight and just stop. Now don't get me wrong I love writing my blog and belong able to express my feeling in the why I feel natural without the fear of being judge.
However that doesn't stop the hatred of one self, and the feel that I am worthless and I have no talent. The on going voices inside my head. Just want to end both my blog and life, and that the "so called friends" only pretend to be nice to me and that they like my blog.
I know that o have good friends who love me and that enjoy reading my blog. On countless time people have side that my blogs give an real insight on somebody who currently going through, depression and Social anxiety. As the just believed that it just in the head before reading my blog. When it not. It the fear of being lonely, hated, unwanted. The ongoing tournament of abuse inside your head day and night, to the point of wanting to cave in, crawl up in a ball and die. It the fear of going outside, but don't wanting to be trapped in all day. It wanting to be on forever, but don't want to be lonely. It all these things that we have to fight on a day to day basis.
I don't want to go into details about why I didn't want to write tonight. However at the same time as it the only SAFE way that I can let go of my anger, fear, sadness and stress that currently inside me, without conveying to my suicidal thoughts and need to self harm. I just thought that I just chat to you guys for a bit.
Today I did a bit of clothes shopping I brought an outfit, that I might where to the zoo when my hostel go to Yorkshire Wildlife park on the 1st of June. If not I might wear it when my close friend Emma from Leicester comes up to visit for the day on the 2nd.
After that I had a nice English Breakfast for Brunch before heading up to the Uni of Sheffield Drama Studio where we meet for the painted fabrics production. At first I didn't know anything about Painted fabrics, now 4 weeks down the line the more and more interesting the subject become, and the men and the family that made up the business that became Painted fabrics.
Soon hopefully, we will get down to more about talking about whose who and how we going to lay it all out but it still early days.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
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