Comedy and Jamie

Sorry for the later then normal blog post. The tablet that I type on didn't charge and it been on charge all day. So I had to quickly charge it just enough. Just so I can type it up.

Today I went to drama group well it said drama but it was a stand up comedy workshops that is run through Crisis skylight. It was very interesting. We did some warm up, from singing songs to throwing balls,to do the easterenders games. We ended  preform a stand up comedy I did about catchy songs and earworms. I got some laugh.

I was told that I had a lovely singing voice by the person who runs the group. So I was surprise, as I don't think I can sing, but she said I can, and she is an a theatre maker, and actor. That why I don't want to believe her.

I talked to the person who the arts director of Crises Skylight South Yorkshire and gave her the leaflet of the casting call for the 30 year 11. She said she Weill scan it and send it to people who might be interesting interesting in taking part.

I want everybody talking about Jamie film to be a smash. I want to support and help anyway I possible can. As it been there for me, so I need to say thank you in all the way possible.

It such a special show for me cause it always bring me from the darkest of places, and it always remind me that it OK to be me, and that you can be who ever you want to be. Which is such an important topic these days. As everybody so forces with wanting to be somebody else. Well the only person I want to be Is a better version of me.

Anyway that me signing out

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Jamie film news

Hi all. I don't know where to start. It was an really interesting day in terms of Everybody Talking about Jamie film news. As it was the launch at the Crucible theatre. It was such to see all the interest in the film.

I mat up with some friends who I made by being a fan of Jamie. We was all laughing about getting parts in the film. As they doing a casting call. The first casting call is people who can play year 11 students. So they looking for people who are 16+ but they must look/ be able to play 16, there no limit on how you look just be who you are, as they want to a variety of people to make up the class. It would be ideal to be from Sheffield or the surrounding areas. If interesting to be apart of the class, you don't need to have any experience in singing, dancing or acting.

If you don't want to be a student, or look older or younger then 16 to pass for a year 11 students. There is a chance to be for another part, like they looking for extra, member of the community. 

If interesting to be apart of the film. You can apply at jamiefilmcasting.com. It going to be filmed in Sheffield hopefully next year in spring.

Anyway after all the announcement had a nice quick chat to Jonathan Butterell who is the Director of Everybody Talking about Jamie. Then what felt like 15 minutes talking to Dan Gillespie Sells who is the composer of the musical. Me, Kate(who looks after the Jamie Fan account on Twitter and three other talked to him. We just laughed, and talked about Midsummer night dream. As Dan composing bits in that. Hopefully I will have a chance to see it, as Midsummer night dream is possible my favorite Shakespeare play. So that it being here in Sheffield I was look I will try and see it.

Afterwards me and 3 other went to crucible corner where we had a drink, then was offered some red wine. Which I had a little bit. Anyway we was talking about Jonathan Butterell and Finding Neverland, and as soon as we stopped Jonathan walked out the pub next to us. So that wasd interesting.

Then I left them to go to dinner parties with the girls. Where we talked about very important but very "Interesting" topics. I was sitting there laughing, finding information where I can. I got back at ten but my tablet was being annoying.

Any as it 10 to 11 here in the UK I wish you all the best.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Long day

I had five hours sleep, not by choice. More to do to something happened last night and didn't have a chance to go back to bed to 2am and had to wake up at 7:20. So I was super tired this morning getting up. But I had to get up. I promised, and I don't break my promise. If I know I will or might break it then I won't make it.

Today I went to Sheffield Archive, to look at minutes and letters from painted fabrics. Let just say Sheffield Archive, very disorganized. I asked to look at these 73 letters at 10 past 10 didn't get to see them till 11:45 and my group was leaving at 12. So I didn't have time to look at them 100%. Well I was waiting we was looking at minutes from early 1920's and me and thee person who run the first section looked over it and try to read the scribers handwriting. Their handwriting was so beautiful. It was hard to read at times. However what we managed to read between us was so inspirational and showed us the struggle that the concealers shown, but hide within the meeting.

We want to Wellies, for a sandwich, then hand back to the drama group. Were we talked about our founding. Then we did a game of catch. Seven people, five balls flying around at once. It was interesting to try and forces on the ball that being thrown at you. When there four more flying around.

After that we picked one of the solders and create a wife for them. I picked one that I know had a wife and created a name for them and then created who they are as a person. Thankfully I know a lot about who the husband was as I looked into him before.

Afterwards I went to theatre deli where I did fimo. Well they forgot my house then I started to make last week. I was like I need to do the garden. Instead as crisis skylight needed some jars in theme of seaside. I helping making one for them. It a sunset over the sea. Under the sea there a mermaid. Well a headless mermaid. At the moment. I planning to give her a head. She does have to bump around into other for a bit. This was all made in 20 minutes.

I did some yoga, which for me was much needed as tonight I watched an hour play on domestic abuse. Which is such an important subject, that isn't talked about, as people scared about of. As it highlights that, it got to the point that it the norm, or that it their depression, stress of ex/pass relationship.

So yeah now I am trying to relax. I'm looking forward to tomorrow as I am going to the Jamie Warp Film Launch. I need to go. I want to support everything Jamie, as it a beautiful story. I want to cheer them all the way.

Anyway got to go bed now.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Ongoing tournament

I don't want to carry on the way I'm living. The ongoing tournament of feeling that I am hated. The ongoing war myself, that I am alone and got nothing to live for. When I know I have. Well deep in my heart I do. As today I felt like I was always running from these Wolves and not like average size one. Like one from Twilight size Wolves. I was running in this dark forest, with no speck of light to be seen and no where to escape. Nobody in miles to be seen. Which is basical what I been feeling. Like I have nobody in my life who cares about me. Even though I know it not true. That I got loads of friends, have people who love me for being me. I don't know what they see in me. I am worthless, ugly, human. I have no fit. I don't know where I meant to belong.

I have tired to watch the whole of Titanic, but probably for half way through the film, before thinking that this is dragging on a bit. Like I know what happened. Rose was greedy in hogging the door when there is enough room clearly for Jack to get on. So in a way Rose killed Jack.

My story is coming along. Still a long way to go but it is defiantly coming along. I probably share it with a few people, if I don't publish it. I know people love my stories, but I never did something like this. Where I feel like I need to complete something. I want to make people proud of me. Saying this is Zanny's work and I won't have to worry about people thinking that I can't afford to look after myself, or unable to. As then I will be able to have the meens to look after myself, plus enough to say thanks to the people who helped me.

I want to have something to look at and say yes I did that. That I created something that people love or even help create. Cause right now I don't want to do. I have nothing to say yes, that mine to.

Anyway I thought I might share the only ywpo things I'm looking forward to and they are; Everybody Talking about Jamie film and finishing my story.

Anyway goodnight

Love you

Zanny xx

I hope you are well?

Hello guys. How are you all? Well I would normally talk about how church was today, but as I was ill I couldn't physical get up this morning, without wanting or being sick. Thankfully the worst is over and I managed to pass the worst of it.

As I didn't want to pass what ever it was onto anybody I just had a bed day, and watched the Pilot of iZombie. Which seams really good. Very interesting take on zombies and basically how Zombies can be useful to the human and how it use the whole eating brains to help the creak the case.

Then I watched one of my favorite James Marsden movie. I give you a clue. The main character wears a lot of these.
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Yep you guessed it.

27 dresses!!!! Just loves this film. I think I love it because I can see myself in Jane. In the fact like I love helping people with wedding. In the first year of doing media, we had the session where if we needed help for assignment. However me and the lecturer, spend it planning her wedding. As I never needed the help, due to me being able to all it in the classes. She looked beautiful in her Sari, when she shown me the pictures, and she thank me for helping her.

I just love wedding and what it represent. That two people can tell the whole world how much they love one each other by joing together to become one.

Anyway I made a little progress on my story. I have an out line of what I want to happen, and the goal within the story. It going to be hard. Like really hard, but I need to do it. From a young age I wanted to write a book, but I never been able to finish. I would love if I could be able to finish it by the end of the year. Which I know it just over six months away. I'm going to give it a go. If I don't then I don't, but I will carry on till I complete it. Then I decide if I want to publish it.

I know if I do want to publish the book, and if for some mysterious reason that the publishes like what they see, and publish it. I will be so over the moon that I finally can accomplish something.

I can fit the book writing alongside me getting better, and getting contact to get a job in the film industry. As it still a huge dream of mine. I can't wait to see what the next 6+ month have in store for me. I know it going to be a rollercoaster, and I really hate them, but I have to deal with the ride.

Anyway I wish you all the best.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Be myself.

Finally, they are making a Everybody Talking about Jamie Film. From when I first watched it back on the 8th February 2017. I just knew that that Jamie is movie material. It truly a "work of art" and it going to made into a film. I can't wait to see who going to star in it. Who going to be Jamie New? Margaret? Pritti, Ray and Hugo? A lot of questions. I just know I don't care what day it on I will do all I can to be among the first people to watch it at the cinema and watch it like a million time and then buy it on DVD.

Anyway I want to did some painted fabrics production things today, and did some group work, one of which where we was in two groups and we have to pick a nursery Rhyme and create a choreography scene of the Rhyme. The group of four I was in did Ring a Ring of Roses, we all sang ring a ring of roses about 7 times, then I said a pocket full of roses, other 3 sneezes and then we all fall down. No word, no sing song, we just fall. I had to full on my bad arm on the final one in front of the other group. Then we device a section of the shows a bit of improve, then what information we had, then quickly wrote a short poem.

When I for home, I chilled for a bit, before the YWCA, Pamper night. Where we have pizza, well having our nails done, and face masked, as we watched Britain Got talent. What happened? People use to be so good. Now I think most of the people who go on it want the 2 minutes of fame, and\or somebody thoughts that they tell them they got Talent, to boost their confidence, but in the end that never work.

Anyway I can't go on about BGT otherwise we'll be here forever and we don't want that.

I have got me an A5 notepad to write my story in. I picked the notepad I did, as it has a love design on it. Also it different from the rest of my notepad. So it won't be hard for me to confuse about what notepad to us. If anybody want to give me advice about writing a Novel, I'm not asking advice to write the next bestseller, but something to help me. It be greatful.

Song of tonight
Born this way-Lady Gaga

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

I'll keep fighting

Hello I first of want to say sorry for no post last night. I felt there was nothing left for me in this world. I felt alone, and tryed to end my life. Thankfully I didn't pull through with it. I did go out and be friends but I just couldn't pull myself from what I was thinking. I am sorry for letting everybody down. I thought I should have a while off but, then I feel bad for not posting. I am happy to show my scars though.

Anyway I have finally thought of a idea for the story that I want to write and I want to try and finish this story by the end of the end. It probably be a young adults book. I have thoughts of the main character. Now just I going to have a couple more characters and the main events in the story, before putting pen to paper.

I going to randomly change subject, now if you ever watched glee, then you know the episode that is dedicated to Cory AKA, Finn. Now the song Rachel cover called make you feel my love. Now before that song, there a scene where his friends put flowers and drum sticks in front of his locker. Evertime I watch the video, now I can only think back to the day my flatmate passed away. As a friend of mine who lived a couple of floors above me informed me, saying that a bunch of people who didn't know my flatmate, gathered outside the block to light candle and pay their respect. All I thought, that they didn't know her and they wanted to say goodbye. I just wanted to cry to see all the candles and people outside.

Now onto a more uplifting subject, as all I seem to talk about is death. I going to talk about Musical. More the fact what if my life was a musical, which would be cool, but my life is super boring nobody would produce Zanny the fighter (The musical) before you say anything, I'm working on the title. Now I got five name for songs, no lyrics as I am rubbish at lyric writing. So if you know me and you can write songs and would love to write one of these you can. If I do end up having a musical you can have a percentage of the profit. So here the song title.

1. My Heart, My Weapon
2. The Army of One
3. I'll keep fighting
4. You are my village
5. No place for me

Anyway got to get going.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Music rambling

Hello I thought as I think why I did today is that interesting. I just talked about potential housing that I could move into. So nothing in stone yet, but looking like I might be moving soon 100% before September anyway.

As I am pretty sure you want to read all about the housing situation as it pretty boring. I thought that I might put down my top 15 songs that I love listening that isn't from the Musical Everybody Talking about Jamie. Now one of them does have a link. Anyway here the list. You find all these songs on Spotify at least.

1. On the top of the world by Jennifer Hudson
2. Just Dance by Lady GaGa
3. Evacuate the Dance Floor by ceasuda
4. Move like Jagger by Maroon 5
5. Single ladies by Beyoncé
6. Batterfield by Jordin Sparks
7. Hey There Delilah by Plain white It's
8. Hey, Soul Sister by Train
9. Sneakernight by Venessa Hudgens
10. This is our song from Camp Rock 2
11. Surf up from Teen beach movie
12. Somebody by Bridget Mendler
13. Get stupid by Aston Merrygold
14. Never be Lonely by The Felling 😁😁😁😘😘
15. Smile by R5

That all 15 of them now. I love all these songs. Never be lonely I was introduced to it from a production of Cinderella from a small company when I was in year 6.  It was in my Primary school Theatre. It was a cool show, and I couldn't get the song out of my head for weeks.

Anyway I am listening to space between from the musical Descendants 2. It such a beautiful, emotional song, about 2 friends and that doesn't matter how far they are. They are with other and that there will be within each other heart. 

This song is pretty much about everybody who reading this to me. I might distant to you physical, or mentally, but I'm still there that you never be alone. 

One of my favorite lyric in the song is "I didn't want to let you down, but the truth is out. It tearing me apart not listening to my heart." As this mean a lot, because even now, at this very moment in time and even the past two weeks I feel like I let all my friends and the people who I love down. Like a massive failure. I didn't want to anybody down but it tearing me apart.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Painted fabrics and fimo

I had a lovely day with the painted fabrics production, where a few of us went to where the original painted fabrics was in Sheffield. The place now is for elderly residents who live there and a few of them knew about what the place was before it became a place for retired people.

One the way there we talked about when we come to researching and focusing on one person or group of people who would it be. I said the Royal family, due to that they love the stuff and there as saying that "They (Royal family) can't come to Sheffield without visiting Painted fabrics." I also just love the Royal family, and how they give us a face in the wider pictures of things.

After that I want to Fimo where I got my flower which I started last Tuesday. As I only had like 30 minutes due to my commitment to painted fabrics, I only just started another product which is a small house with a tree next to it. The window, door, roof, tree and the leaves are up. The finer details have to be done and extra things are yet to be added.

Anyway here the flower. Sorry for bad picture have a bad camera on my tablet which I type my blog on.

This maybe took me like five minutes to  make, and the way it turn out was pure accident as I was planning to make something else. When I flatten the pattle it has the beautiful yellow center. So I thought that it be a pretty cool flower. 

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Good day

Wow busy day. I was basically doing stuff all day. I only had one hour to get home. Even then it was chilling. It was changing before going out again. However it was a lovely day, you couldn't tell that we was in England today. Even through it was low 20's at the highest it felt like, I was back in Tanzania. Then again Tanzania at 40 degree centigrade felt cooler then this.

I had a meeting with a person for a charity called NOMAD. We always talk about food and celebrities. That was at half elven to half twelve. Then for one and half hour I had time to spare. So I just looked round shops windows and see what in store.

Then at 2pm I had a session with crisis skylight. Writing for fun, where we started a story about a girl who woke up in hospital, surrounded by the police. Who told her that she got 24 hours until she is deported to a jail, on a different planet. They told her she can't run as she got a tracker on her so they will find her, if she isn't back by the time 24 hours are up.

When that session was over for the day, I walked home, had a cold drink and quickly got changed and freshen myself up, as I want pit to my friend Amber house for dinner, who made a lovely speg bol, with a cheesecake to follow.

 As we had this we watched this TV show on Netflix called Beyond and Oh My we only got  3 episodes in and I am hooked. Like my heart is racing. I just need to watch the rest of the episode but I don't have Netflix. I mainly want to watch it because of Burkely Duffield who plays the main character Holden. Like I had to stop myself from commenting one how cute he was. It doesn't help that in the third episode he spent most of it shirtless. I couldn't complain.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Thank for all the support I've been receiving. You guys are the reason that I keep on fighting for my life. You are all have a special place in my heart. I can thank each one enough. I know that I'm going through a rough patch at the moment in time. With bad thoughts so thank you for reminding me that I am special, and that I have something to give. 

I honestly need to stop fearing life, and stop worrying about life and take life as it come. Which I know going to be hard but I need to stop over thinking about things.

There been load of wedding talk lately. It got me thinking about what sort of wedding if and when I will get married. I know It will be impossible that I'll get married. Like nobody will date me let alone.

If I do get married. I know it a simple wedding, with probably no more then 120 wedding guest. I want in to be in a historical building. I would love somebody to walk me down, but I don't have anybody in my family who I can think of anybody to give me away.  It not important anyway as I know I will never get married, I will be single forever, nobody love me and will never will.

Anyway enough talking about weddings as I will so scared for being on my own for ever. Which I know I will so need to stop fearing being single my dying day.  So I need to face it sooner or later.

OK I really stop about weddings now.

Anyway I had a nice time at church this afternoon, we had a pastor from a massive church called C3 Brooklyn. It was an amazing service and had a beautiful time with my friends. As afterwards we had another BBQ. So sun, food and friends. What more can I ask for in life.

Anyway it 10pm so I better get going now.

I wish you all a goodnight

Love you.

Zanny xx

Ramble on

I would first of talk about the Royal Wedding. How amazing did Meghan looked in her dress today. It wasn't a dress that I expected that she would wear, a bit simple, but she still loved her off the shoulder dress. Just stunning. Making me want to get married. Doubt it will happen, as there nobody love me enough to even be my boyfriend, left alone somebody asking me to marry then. I just have to deal with the fact that I probably going to live on my own. With no friends or family around me. As that probably going to happen.

After the Royal wedding I had a bit of lunch well watching City of Ember. Which is such a underrated film. It is one of my favorite films. I think I say that about most of the films that I watch. I need to start doing those this week top 3 films/books. Every Monday of a a certain day every month. As my mind change all the time. Like I won't do it know as I need to choose my top three book and films, as I can't think what my top three are at the moment.

I am still looking for book recommendations as when I can afford a book I would love to start a new series, and I would love to hear what you guys says. I will promise to write a review on mine and my friend review blog and then post a link to this site so you can read my review.

I really want to write novel but I don't have any ideas at the moment. I do want to publish something someday, but I am scared that people will hate my work. As I am I am a terrible writer and not creative. I mainly want to write something, so I can say that I completed something in life. As I do feel worthless and that I can't complete anything. So I really prove that I am capable of finishing something.  As I enjoy writing and it something that I want to do.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

My Last Goodbye (poem)

Hello I still feel like I want to end my life. This is possible the worse one. The worst hit of depression I have experience. Even though staff know I told them I will be alright and that I was hungry, just so I can be left alone. One I was hungry but I wasn't fine.

So as I didn't know what to talk about I thought I do a poem. To say Goodbye, to the world.

Please don't leave
Even though I'm going
Please stay near
As my heart is weak 
And will break.
I don't have much time
To say my final goodbye
So I will keep it sort.
Look to the east 
As the sun is setting
And the moon is raising.
The stars are coming out
To remind you
I will be with you
Even when I'm gone.
You are stronger
And braver
Then me.
To carry on fighting
As I will let you down
As I know
You're better off
Without me
Holding you back
So goodbye my friends.

That all I have time for

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

What the ...

I feel so stress right now. I told my key worker want me to me into "Care Home." Which is in s12, now if I was to get to town, it is a 20 minute tram journey from town. Now I wouldn't mind if I can afford it. Now one or two timed every fortnight would be OK. However most of my social for mental health is in and around town. 

Now I told this to my key worker that my friends, helped me when I get super depressed an end my life. So staying close to them is very important. Not just for my metal health, but because I care about them. I love my friends.

I honestly feel like my life is falling down, like the people who meant to help don't truly care. Like why should I keep on talk to people, and tell them my problem and what I think is best, if they don't want to help or don't listen what I truly want if they send you somewhere else.

I sick and tired of putting up high hopes in my life if I going to be stuck in a living nightmare. I want it to stop but there nowhere. There truly nothing on this planet for

Anyway got to go

Goodnight

Love you

Zanny xx

IKEA dinner parties

Today even though my arm still sore I managed to do some food shopping this morning. It took me longer then needed to do it because I couldn't carry anything with my left arm. I couldn't even rest it without killing. That was even with pain killers. Today it was more stinging pain, and slightly Itch. So it was something where I could carry a light bag with it.

After that did a bit of word art which is a session Crisis Skylight run. It was at Theatre Deli for the past two sessions, but because it normally a small group we now at a cute café called The Holt which I personally love. Like I was already in love The Holt due to the vegan lemon drizzle cake and the Duchess Grey Tea. It just delicious.

After that I chilled out at the Crucible café as I spotted some of my friends who I am starring alongside in painted fabrics production. As one of them is staring in a musical at the crucible called Songs of the Sevan hills.

After that I mat a couple of friends, as we had a little trip to IKEA for dinner parties. I know a really odd one but we had loads of fun, ad it not something you do, but you can plan your future home, without buying anything. However I personally think we went to late, ad we didn't have much time to have a proper look around. We did have to much fun in there.

Any way I got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Fimo and Yogo

Today was a pretty easy morning I chilled out. Trying to think if I do write a book, if I want to story that is over in one book or in a series, and so how many. But I couldn't think of what I want to do.

About 12:30 I went to job center, as I had a meeting with my work couch that I have once every 6 months. So the next time will be in November.

As I didn't have time to go to rehearsal as how far it is from the job center is from the drama studio. Thankfully they are understanding. So as my meeting ended just before 2 I went to theatre Deli, to say hello to the guys from stained glass. They could tell that I was missing the stained glass group, due to how I was digging through the scrap glass to try and think of ideas of what I can when I go back.

After that I did some Fimo art. Fimo is this modelling clay which once bake stay solid. In a space of 2 hours I made and baked 3 hours. The 4th is waiting to be baked. I made a butterfly, and magnet and a little holder.

Then I did a bit of Yoga, which is really relaxing. It is really good for your mind and soul. It also good for your body, so it is good for you in so many way.

Now I am home chilling out listening to music. Love singing along to the songs playing. I don't care who is listening as I have a rubbish singing voice. I'm so out of tone, but when I am in my room and I have my headphone that when I just let my true self explode as nobody can hear my horrible voice. Despite I enjoy singing.

Any got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Another question and answer

Hi today just going to be another quick Q&A, this is because I honestly can't think about what to write about. This just some random question that either I was asked during the week or I found online.

So here

1. What subject can I speak most about? I guess it would be Everybody Talking about Jamie. As it an epic musical, how ever I don't know everything, and it still growing and there still so much for it to grow. So even if I do learn everything, something might happen.
2. What is the strangest dream you have ever had? I was sitting in the park with some friends but we were all mere people. Not in costume, but real mere people
3. What smell brings back great memories? The smell of bonfire as it always means I am surrounded by friends and family. The people who I love and adore.  
4. Do you prefer to watch movies in the theater or in the comfort of your own home? I enjoy watching it in the cinema, due to the fact that you have to watch the film from start to end. You can forces. When you are at home you are easily distracted. 
5. What is the most annoying thing about your phone? The fact that people always ask me if I got whatapp on my phone. If you seen my mobile phone you will notice that it is a brick phone so is unable to have any app let alone WhatApp.
6. Where would you like to travel next? I would love to travel to a place where I haven't been yet, but I have four that I would love to go next, but at the moment can't afford, and they are, New York, L.A, Accra in Ghana and also Amsterdam. Amsterdam been on my list for a like a year as I have a friend who live there. 
7. What’s the best way to travel?  It either plane or a boat, like I love speedboat and I love flying in a plane. I am so relaxed on a plane. It also enjoy looking out a plane and seeing the world just fly by. With boats it just so peacefully with the breeze going through your hair. With speedboat feeling the wave hitting the boat is so much fun.
8. What is the best pair of shoes you have ever owned? Why were they so good? It has to be my grey ankle high healed boots, with a butterfly design on it. As it a good night and it support my ankle. If I have to put on with a high heal then it had to be something that support my ankle and these do. I don't where them that often as I live in Sheffield and it very hilly. The only way I would wear them if I would be getting a lift and have my trainers on me
9. What is the craziest, most outrageous thing you want to achieve? To write a book.
10. What are some goals you have already achieved? To stand on a west end stage. Was one of my big dreams, one of the I always wanted to do from the age of 8 years old. Some how, I don't know why I why though, but I had the chance. I had to try not cry and scream like a fan girl. When I got home I couldn't stop smiling and crying.

That all I am doing. If you have any question for my next q&a let me know. But I better leave you there.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Poem

I know it been a long while since I've posted a poem so I've been trying to write something. I can't promise that it be any good. As first I am rusty, and second of all, I've never been good at writing poems.

So here it goes.

__________________________________________

How can I fight
In that I know I've lost.
To felt the pain
I know I deserve.
Why people lie
Saying I'm beautiful
And strong
Inside and out.
Well all along
I'm scared and worthless
Not deserving of the
Love that shown.
Sending me out
With this last fair well
To which I can't see past.
The know burning bright light
Which is leading me home
To where I was meant to be
Where I am safe
Wrapped in the love
Of the friends
Who I know call family.



______________________________________

I know of terrible but it something.

Anyway goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

A quick thanks

First things first. I need to say sorry for all the people I worried last night. You was all amazing and so supportive, reminding me even though I don't deserve your love, that I am loved. I shouldn't have friends like the people I have in my life you. So I would love to say Thank you to some people.

Here they are.

Tom Palmer (Aka Cheesecake): I know you want to be my blog, and know here your spotlight 🙌🙌🙌 you are truly epic. You light up the room every time your enter, not because we can always hear you before we see you. You light it up cause you take your time to get to know people and always there for your friends. You are always there to make me laugh, even when you should be directing me on camera. 😜 I couldn't ask for a better friend.

Jess Smith: Thank you for being one of the first people who I mat in Sheffield. Back when I was shy and felt totally out of place in Sheffield. You keep reminding me to keep looking forward when most of the time I am stuck in mist of the past. You keep saying that there great things in store for me, even if I can't see you. Hopefully I won't scare you with anymore of my rubbish singing. Also when I more confidence with cooking. I will cook you something veggie.

Sorcha: thanks you for your hugs. You give the best hugs, I always enjoy getting a Rooney hug. If you haven't got a hug for Sorcha you 100% missing out. I just love your fashion sense and your cute laugh. You the sort of person, that just your smile can light up a room and make everybody feel better.

Jo and Lois Willis: thank you for helping me when I basically was facing a rocky situation. Most other people would say it was to hard and that o was a hopeful case. However you didn't give up. You listened to me and you help me with what I needed to do. Also Rueben and Amiyah are beautiful. Rueben a little monkey, but I love watching him grow, and being one of the wiztots leaders and spend time with him.

Amber: thanks for your ongoing support, you always been supportive. You have a heart of gold, and you are beautiful inside and out. You are probably on of dearest friends. Even though o have loads of friends you are 100% one of them who I can truly say I have the strongest friends with.

There more but I can't write you all up as I would be here all night if I did.

Anyway goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

What in a book.

Sorry that there was no post last night, due to being in a lot of pain, due to being hit by a bike and damaging all my left side. Although I'm still in pain, I'm coping. The only way I'm typing this, is due to me resting my tablet on my bad arm. As it the only way I can still post it. Even though it not comfy. Let just say if my arm don't get better soon, then it going to fun trying to do food shopping, as I'm running low on food. However I got food for now thankfully.

Today as I needed a rest from, as I'm still in a state of shock and due to me needing to be careful so I don't cause anymore damage to my back, arm, neck or shoulder. So I watched two films, Love actually, which even though it a Christmas movie it doesn't matter. As it still a beautiful film. Then I watched X-man 2. Which I just love, mainly as it have Hugh Jackman in it, and I love Hugh Jackman.  He is possible my favorite actor. I just adore him in all the films that I've seen him in.

Anyway I thought that I need some new books that I haven't read, or that I haven't got. So I would love some recommendations. I love reading fantasy/Sci-fi like The Hunger Games Series and Star born. I also enjoy young adults books like the Selection Series. So if you have any good books that I might enjoy, let me know, or just wait to December and give it to me, on my birthday or Christmas.

Joke!!!! I know to early to mention Christmas. 😝

The reason I doing this is because I don't have a lot of physical copies of books. I just downloading a load of the free copies on my tablet. Even though it save room, nothing. I say nothing beats a physical copy of a book. The feel of the paper, the smell of it. Nothing come close to it. Especially if you find a book in which you can't put down. There was only one series which I couldn't put down. That was the selection series, it took me from picking the first book up to putting the fifth book down. Five days it took me. All have around 400+ pages.

I would love to find something that have the same effect to me though. As I would love to get lost in a different universe, as sometimes I really need to get lost, as earth can be a very grey world and very scary at times, and you need a book in which you can forget everything.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you.

Zanny xx

I need to be honest

Let be truthful. I wasn't go to post tonight and just stop. Now don't get me wrong I love writing my blog and belong able to express my feeling in the why I feel natural without the fear of being judge.

However that doesn't stop the hatred of one self, and the feel that I am worthless and I have no talent. The on going voices inside my head.  Just want to end both my blog and life, and that the "so called friends" only pretend to be nice to me and that they like my blog.

I know that o have good friends who love me and that enjoy reading my blog. On countless time people have side that my blogs give an real insight on somebody who currently going through, depression and Social anxiety.  As the just believed that it just in the head before reading my blog. When it not. It the fear of being lonely, hated, unwanted. The ongoing tournament of abuse inside your head day and night, to the point of wanting to cave in, crawl up in a ball and die. It the fear of going outside, but don't wanting to be trapped in all day. It wanting to be on forever, but don't want to be lonely. It all these things that we have to fight on a day to day basis.

I don't want to go into details about why I didn't want to write tonight. However at the same time as it the only SAFE way that I can let go of my anger, fear, sadness and stress that currently inside me, without conveying to my suicidal thoughts and need to self harm. I just thought that I just chat to you guys for a bit.

Today I did a bit of clothes shopping I brought an outfit, that I might where to the zoo when my hostel go to Yorkshire Wildlife park on the 1st of June. If not I might wear it when my close friend Emma from Leicester comes up to visit for the day on the 2nd.

After that I had a nice English Breakfast for Brunch before heading up to the Uni of Sheffield Drama Studio where we meet for the painted fabrics production. At first I didn't know anything about Painted fabrics, now 4 weeks down the line the more and more interesting the subject become, and the men and the family that made up the business that became Painted fabrics.

Soon hopefully, we will get down to more about talking about whose who and how we going to lay it all out but it still early days.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Dreams and goals

Hi guys I though that today I might write day a couple of dreams and goals of mine. Even though some of them can overlap. So here the list. So I going to do one massive list.

1. To get a job in the film industry.
2. To be happier with myself
3. To write a book
4. To move from Pitsmoor
5. To visit a new place
6. To face a fear
7. Go to a music festival.
8. To learn a song of by heart from Everybody Talking about Jamie.
9. To complete and preform the play I'm currently working on.
10. To be more confident in my poems and stop thinking that my writing terrible.

Yeah I know I said a massive list, but I don't have a massive list. As I don't want to write, or have to many dreams and goals, because I don't want to let people down if they don't succeed. I am not that good, when it come to dream, as I'm always scared of letting the people I love down. I am a week person mentally and I am scared of what life have in store for me. I know it won't be smooth. 

For me it feels like I am always getting hit by the face. Don't matter how many times I try and move away from the punch. It always seem to hit me in the gut. So don't matter what I do. I'm going to get hurt badly. 

That what it feels like, and that why I don't have many goals and dreams in otter fear of getting punched in the face so many times that I will get knockout and bleed to death. 

Anyway let have more cheerful way to end this blog post. I watched three movies today. First I watched Boxtrolls, which is a funny family animated movie. That was followed straight after by Beauty and the Beast, staring the beautiful Emma Watson and handsome Dan Stevens. Last but not least I watched The Best Exotic Merrigold Hotel. Which is such a uplifting movie, about old age. That don't matter the age you never to mind to learn new things and to be able to change your mind about a subject.

That's it for now. I wish you all the best

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Random question time

Well that great got sunburnt and have a little bit of sun stroke. I enjoy the sun but now I feel really light headed. Despite that I had a nice day out with my friends.

I thought due to my sun stroke I just going to answer some conversation starter questions so I can at least post something.

1. What is the biggest challenge you are facing right now? The biggest challenge is facing mental health, Suicidal thoughts, Self  harming and low self-esteem. I always seem to be putting myself down due to the voices in my head that aren't really. The only way I seen to cope with all these is suicidal thoughts/near attempt a couple of times and self harming.
2. Who is your strangest friend? What makes them strange? One of my house mates called Jess. She just supper bonkers she can just walk into my room and we would just start laughing for a good ten minutes.
3. What is the best way to meet new friends? Just going out there and meeting new people. All my closet friends was stranger once. It wasn't until I got outside and went places when they start becoming friends.
4. What personality traits in other people do you hate? When somebody very opinionated. To the point where they think that there is the only opinion and if somebody have a different view that they are wrong.
5. What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned from a failure? That it can be painful to full, but the best thing to do is got back on the horse.

That all question I am answering.

I going to get going now.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny

Talking away.

Today was a pretty standard Saturday in the fact that there wasn't much to do. However good news after waiting since early February. Which realise so much weight of my shoulders. As it the sort of news that I needed before I could start thinking of moving to a different project. As all other project needed this one thing that been approved. Now it all down to see how much help I am offered to see what project I can go into.

Anyway today I watched Anastasia, which is one of my favorite animated musicals. Even though it based on a true story and that story it didn't have a happy ended, it still have some facts that are true. I just love the songs in it.

Anyway I thought so I can get some of series read that I've been interested in reading I thought that I might add 5 series that I have to read before reading any other books. Doubt I'll do that it depends on what Waterstones have in store. However these are the top five series that I want to read.

1. Warriors of Poseidon by Alyssa Day
2. Immortal Witches by Maggie Shayne
3. Sweep by Care Tiernan
4. The chronicles of Faeries by O.R. Mellings
5. Beke Cooper by Tamora Pierce

Once I read all five of these series I will add five more to the list.

Anyway I thought that I might add an inspirational message. I know I am not the best person to give inspirational message. However sometimes it is great to be reminded that, don't matter what you are going through, you are not alone. There are other people who in the same boat as you. You are amazing and that you are worthy of the love. Don't matter what you going through, out there in the rainy, gloomy world, there a rainbow out there for you, waiting for you. You just need to start looking.

Anyway I can't stop smiling as I am listening to the Original West end Cast Recording to the most epic, uplifting, most fabulous musical out there that is, Everybody Talking about Jamie on Spotify. For the past 40 minutes I have had on the same song on repeat and that is "Out Of the Darkness." It making me feel like it talking to me. As I never feel like I belong anywhere. When I first heard this song I wanted to cry, as it felt like I'm was home. I know it sound stupid. 

Anyway I want to give a massive shout out to the lovely, Mina Anwer, as was her last two performances as the outstanding Ray in Everybody talking about Jamie today. I grew up watching her in Sarah Jayne Adventure, so  it was so nice to finally to get to see her preform, in such a epic musical that can talk to all sort of people. In so many ways she reminds me of my mum who I grew up with. Funny, and always looking for a bargain.

Anyway Mina if you are reading this. I love watching you preform Ray. You are amazing, such a talent, and I can't wait to see what is in store for you. You've been such an inspiration from a young age. I always wanted to say how much seeing you work in both TV and stage, made me full in love with the media industry. I wish you all the best for the future, and I can't wait to see what's in store. 

All the best.

Goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx.

Poem party

I feel like the whole write a poem every Monday jist going through the window. Which give me time to actually write something that I am happy with. Without worrying that everybody thinking that it's rubbish.

I wrote this on Wensday at word art at a very beautiful cafe here in Sheffield called The Holt. I was really pleased how it turned out in the long run. So I thought I might share that with you today.

Here it goes

What is the world
In which we stand
Where different is bad
And normal is good.
But if you take a look 
At the things around
You'll find 
No two things, are the same
The tree's
The grass
The animals
That we share
Our home.
Why should we hide? 
The things that make
You special
You shouldn't lock you heart.
As you can't cage
A beauty
That need to step 
Into the light.
Just like a diamond.
You need to shine
So stop being 
The grey
As there so many
Colours to choose from.

That is it for the poem today. I wrote two more poems on Wensday however they are for the open mic night on July 3rd. Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Here we go

I honestly don't know what to talk about today. I have so many feeling going through me. Yet I can't think I can express them. I think this is down to me always trying to be somebody who I'm not. I always try and make people happy despite if I'm feel like jumping of a bridge myself.  Which in all fairness I have considered serval times this week. Including today.

From this I got myself a bad ankle from kicking something I expecting it to be soft, but wasn't. This was out of pour anger with myself. I wanted the counseling sessions I go to to at least help me. I just feel like instand of feeling better, I feel worse.

I feel angry that I couldn't help my flat mate who passed away. I know that probably sound stupid. As I couldn't help me. I couldn't of known what was happening in the room next to me. All I had one the 24th January 2017 was the sense something not right, and that I should check it out. However I just blamed it on the cold pizza I had for breakfast that morning.

I guess I having a lot of emotions I'm going through at the moment. I'm not one to talk about emotions in fear that people will laugh at me. So I just normally put on a mask and act like everything alright when I know deep down I'm not alright. My life a living nightmare.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Late night talk

I know that this is later then the time I normally do it. As I literally came back to the hostel like twenty minutes ago. Well as I started writing this I would have. As I've just been to Dinner parties which is something my church does. As Hope City believe that a church isn't just a Sunday thing and that we should have a community outside of Sunday Church.  Plus the Church there so many people in which you can easily get lost, in the sense you don't feel connected.

Enough about Hope City, as I am not that sort of Christian that goes on about Church and Christianity. There is more to me then my faith. Which I know I'm still trying to understand, but my faith is only a puzzle piece.

I do enjoy other things. For example, I love reading, writing, singing (when nobody listening of course. Don't want to scare anybody with my terrible voice.) As well as watching movies especially fantasy, watching TV, e.g. call the midwife, going to theater, however the last time I want to the theater was in November and that was to see Everybody Talking about Jamie. I also love spending time with friends.

However people don't understand this about me. That is I love spending time on my own. I've been like that since I was a child. I wasn't really one to go out much and play with friends. I would mainly stay inside and watch TV. For me of it does have an effect on me if I spend to much time with people during a space of seven days. I will see people, but it does have an effect on my mind and body if I don't have enough me time. Like I feel super tired, and physical ill.

I know that this is probably to much information, but I just in a mood. That the only way I can express my thoughts is through my blogs. As it feels like the people who read my blogs are the only people who care, and the only people who are actually interesting in what I got to write. Even though, before any of you say anything I know what you going to say, but don't you lying, you trying to make me feel better about my writing skills and my life is great. However my life is so dull and grey, there nothing special about plain old Zanny Taylor. I'm just an average 22 year old girl from Leicester, who trying to start her new life in Sheffield.

Anyway it currently 10:35pm so I going wrap this up.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Mayday is here.

How can it be May 1st already. April went super fast, but the year been super fast anyway so far. At the rate we going it going to be 2019 in no time. Which in reality I don't want to think about because I there so many things I need to do this year.

So today was painted fabrics where we used interviews from the 90's of people of Painted fabrics or their children/niece/nephews of the man who worked there. We all looked at different one's. I got Edin Key who is the daughter of a ex service man, who had in total 37 wound. This including his left arm amputated, his right hand wounded and gun shots in his legs. In all fairness, he should of been dead. From the facts from the interview, we had to then turn it into a monologue. Which was so interesting reading up on somebody life and then writing something that they would say about their life. Of course I had to do it in the point of view of the daughter, because he passed away before the interview in 1966. But it was totally interesting learning about him and his daughter.

When then finished I walked straight down to Theater Deli where I did some yoga. Which was fun. Felt relaxed and tired, which I couldn't as I had a 45 minute walk home. So I had to not full asleep. They say after yoga you get a natural glow in which you can't help but smile. However I always smile, as it spread like butter if one person smiles you can't help but smile.

When I got home I finished watching P.S. I love you. Which is such a beautiful film. I'm not one for romantic, however this is showing how people cope when somebody who they love pass away, and their just needing a sign to say that it is OK for them to date other people now.

In this film it through letters, which shows that a nice hand written letter are amazing. I think personally we should go back where we send letters to people. I know we got social media and phones now, but the joy of getting a personalised, handwritten or types letter in the post is something you can't replace.

I am currently dreading always going to collect post because it always things from the Job center. There is only one month where the more exciting, and that is December, and that is only because it is my birthday month and it is Christmas. The other 11 nothing interesting. So random letters do cheer people up. Well it for me anyway.

I thought for the next week. I should put a positive life quote

Here the first one

Fill your life with adventure, not things. Have stories to tell. Not things to show.

I now wish you all a goodnight

Love you.

Zanny xx