Stories ad what they mean to me.

First of sorry for no post last night. I got back at 10pm for coactive at Hope City Church, well for the first time since going to it nearly 2 years ago I went to the vocal team because I am getting confidence with my singing voice, and I think you can tell that I am getting better in confidence with both my own singing voice and also knowing how to sing, and that it more then what your voice sounds like. How ever when I got home I couldn't stop sneezing and my eyes looked like I was doing drugs, they was like blood shot red, itchy and I couldn't stop tears rolling down my face.

Today was a pretty standard Friday for me, I chilled in my room, then I did a bit a food shopping, then had a meal with one of my house mates who made a nice chicken Karma.

As I didn't do much today I thought that I might talk about random topic and see where that takes me. 

Stories is today's random topic, as I know I will write more then one random topics.

For me stories have been apart of my life from day one, this is possible due to that I have a story that I know is different and one that people here that often, mainly because what I've gone though as a baby not many people are willing to talk about, or have the same outcome as mine.

My story is truly unique, in a sense that I can openly say that I do struggle, on a daily basis with the truma of what the first ten months of my life. I don't know if I will ever get out of it, or if it something I will live with for the rest of my life.

I also love reading, from historical events, I believe that if we have a better understanding of what happened in the past, we can understand today and be appreciative about it. Like I know I won't be who I am today if I haven't mat the people I have along the way.

I also enjoy fantasy, as there are times in my life, where I want to escape the horror of reality, and I can't always go into town to watch a movie, or watch a DVD. Also there something about reading a good fantasy book. Ad it give you the chance to fly away, even if it for ten minutes at time. It give me the sense of freedoms that I need. The feeling that I am needed and loved, which for a person like me, is very hard to get. So that why I love fantasy, because then I am the main character, or favorite character.

I currently reading eternity by Maggie Shayne.

Also listening to Dear Darling by Olly Murs.

Anyway goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Eventful

Today I had counselling, before you say that was fast. It the one I had from losing my friend last year. So having to talk about recant events made it super hard. Like things wasn't just easy this morning, as I was having breakfast at a the tesco extra café, when this guy who at least 40, came in to the café, he was wearing a gold graduation robe. Now I am pretty sure there was no graduation happening today and none of there would of been coming into the tesco extra café. Then he came to sit with me. The cafe was empty. I had to quietly notify the cashier who served me my breakfast. Let just say he didn't like the fact he asked to sit somewhere else.

That was the events of this morning so I had good reason to not go out. However I had a place to look at, and I feel like events of this morning wouldn't matter, they will only say you should of get the police. Like how can I just normally call the police, when a men who possible dangerous without causing myself even more danger. So it was like what do  you do.

Anyway I had to go because we already said we viewed it, and wow. The place is stunning. Like it not completely done, but it already stunning. I am luckily seen it before most people so I had a pick of 3 of the 4 flats. I said I would love flat 5. One of the ground floor ones are staff so there is 5 flats but only 4 is for residents.

The 5th one is one the 3rd and last floor and take up the whole floor. The kitchen is black and very modern. There is a dishwasher, washer/dryer. Cooker, a TV. It just lovely. The bedroom are good size. Big enough for a double, a wardrobe, some and some shelves. They say they have enough couple of weeks then just some paperwork to do. Then I need to start moving in.

After all that I chilled with some friends, we had Pizza and then we, well my friends watched White chicks. I started bit haven't finished. Is it bad I never watched the film before, like in my opinion it OK, like I watch it but because I studied media production, all I can see is all the fault in it. I know that it probably what made it good. I think it tried to hard to be a comedy. See that one of the reason I don't like it.

Anyway I got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Very hard day

Due to finding that my close friend passed away, instead being trapped in my room, or going to something that will make think about my friend even more.

It was super hard to wake up this morning, knowing that I won't ever see him again, knowing that I won't see Lucas's cheeky smile, won't see him acting like a complete idiot creating mayhem everywhere we go. At the same time he was one of those people who will be serious if need be, and he was one of those people who if you upset, abuse, and/ or anger anybody who he care about he will hunt them down. Which is hard to believe because he is like a teddy bear. But I have seam him get worked up about one of the guys who I used to worked with.

Last year when my flatmate died he spent weeks keeping on texting me to remind me that I am worth carrying and that the sun always coming up. He would also try and make sure that I was feeding myself. As he was worried that because I just had a massive scare that I would forget to eat.

Lucas's favorite song was "Back for Good" by Take That, which I have been listening to since I woke up. Well I have been in because Lucas wouldn't want to be trapped in side.

So I went to Fimo and finished my jar, that I was making for the Crisis Skylight member Celebration, I haven't toke a picture I will when I have a chance which will probably will be in September. I also finished the house I started 2 weeks ago.

Then I started and finished a necklace today.

Now I am home. The only thing I ate today is a sandwich, as I can't eat anymore. I only can managed the sandwich. I know it is stupid. Like I know I am not ill, I'm just grieving, I just lost a very close friend. I know he would remind me to eat, that he doesn't want to hear me dying of starvation, but I can't. Well not today. As I only have Rhubarb Crumble in my fridge/freezer.

Anyway going bed.

Poem

I can't look down.
Can't let go.
The fire below
Burns the soul of my feet
As the broken wings carry
This broken angle
Fading day by day.
The once white wings
Now as black as the night.
Wiped by the claws of depression.
Ripping them with ever chance they get.
Feeding the desire.
Taking all the light.
Tearing the clothes I have
Making me hate the body I live.
The scars,
The memories.
The fire are rising.
Memories they hunt me
Like the Raven of the sky.
Pecking the memories
Like on going nightmares.
How can this angle
Fight
When she got nothing
To fight with?


I know it terrible but it been a couple of weeks so I am rusty. I thought that it been a while since I wrote a poem. Like I am still focusing on my book but I thought that I might do something.

This past couple of days been really hard for me due to some bad event's these past couple of days. Losing people isn't easy. I lost somebody today. A close friend of mine, they was one of a few people who I first mat in Sheffield.  I was told this about 7pm through Facebook messages.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you.

Zanny xx

Netflix and story write up

So today as I suffered with really bad sun burnt from Friday and having in total 11 hours of sleep in a space of two days. I couldn't go to church, because I wasn't well this morning, and I knew I would of fall asleep throughout the service because of how tired I have been and not being able to have a good night sleep, due to where I got sun burnt.

So today I watched in total of ten Episode of shows on Netflix. I watched 6 episode of The Legend of Monkey. It super wried, and confusing, that why I like it, because it wried. I also watched 3 episode of Reign. Which is really good. I think I like it because of the guy who plays Francis. I also watched an episode of a series of unfortunate events. I don't know what to think of it. Like I am going to watch a couple more episode of it. See if I change my mine but I not enjoying it as much as I thought.

After all that I started to type my story up online from the notepad I've been writing it in. I haven't fully typed it up. I going to do it when I am in the mood, because I will modify and edit it when I type it. I will also add a few more paragraph in it. Ii feel like it needed to. Today I typed up 1490 words. I downloaded it so it can be saved on my devise just in case my account plays up. It also helped because this website let you preview it/ download it so you can see it as a book formats. So with how many words I so for typed up, and if I want it to be 5" by 8" the first chapter will be 9 pages. Which I am happy that I have typed that much.

I would love people advice to improve it or/and opinion on it. I know it still early days and I have a lot to write, and I know the first chapter isn't even complete. But it would be useful to at least know if people read it.

Like I know it won't be epic, I am new to the whole writing for a target audience in mind. When I write a story I normally write to myself and what I like. I do it slightly for this story, but I have to think more about who is the target audience.

So it harder to think of and trying to stick to it. Anyway it still early days and I am sticking to the end. I am hoping to write at least 400 pages so 391 to go. I can do it.

Anyway I will see you all tomorrow.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

day at Meadowhall.

Well today been good. Even though it felt like I've had a big bucket of water was thrown on me due to have about 6 hours week and also suffering with sun strock from yesterday. Struggling to keep myself awake.

Today I went to Meadowhall, as a good friend of mine, from Leicester called Emma, and her mum and dad came up to visit me for the day. We did have fun, but after a couple of hours of walking, we did feel it.

Me and Emma hung out just to catch up, we talked about our friends back down in Leicester, and how much Leicester is changing since last year, when I went to visit them. Which is like how can so much in such sort time.

I noticed it changed when I visited last year. It was heartbreaking to see how much it was changing. I know it good some change, but Leicester Lord Mayor isn't great. He making Leicester rubbish in my opinion and that polite. Sheffield lord Mayor who hasn't been Lord Mayor that long is doing a better job it just over 4 month then Leicester one.

We had a meal at Pizza Express. Out of all of us I was the only had Pizza, everybody else had some sort of pasta. It was really nice, I had the American pizza which is super nice. I would had tried something else, but Pizza Express use a lot of Mushroom in their food. Now somebody who allergic to Mushroom, that restricted a lot of things.

I got back at 4:25 and went to say hello to staff and sat up for a bit. However I was falling asleep so I had a nap. So sorry if this is bad in anyway, I just for up from the 3 hour nap. I am still tired but I have to write my blog.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody.

Zanny x

Zoo day

I went to the zoo, wow I really needed to cheer up. I couldn't stay upbeat. I feel all alone and afraid. I felt like I couldn't do anything right and that everything bad happening that in the world is my fault. I know I shouldn't blame myself for anything that happened last night. I'm not going to go in detail.

I wanted to start again to find who I am as a person. Like who I am? Who is Zanny Taylor? What make this person up? Cause all I see is negative, and people always saying there more to me then what in my mind, what my mind saying.

But it something I have to find out this myself.

I am getting more confident in things people say I am good. Like I think OK I can sing. Not brilliant, but not rubbish. However it is improvement. It something I am working on. I am an ok poet. I used to hate all my poems. I know I haven't written a poem in a who!e, but I've been really busy of late, with the play I'm in, all the crisis skylight sessions I am doing. Then the story I am doing. So I don't have much time to write poem. Sometimes I do have time but I not always have the muse for poems.

I am thinking that if only anybody want to, not that I forcing anybody to. I would like if people review it, once I finish writing my story. I know I said I don't know if I want to publish it or not, but if I do. I will then be able to do the changes that I be able to do, so if I do, it will be good enough to sell and have a fan Base.


I thinking it be interesting to add a question to you for the next week and see what you say. I will answer as well, just so it is fair and all.

Today's question is.

IF YOU HAD THE ATTENTION OF THE WORLD FOR JUST 10 SECONDS, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

Look inside yourself before you start judging others. As we all got faults. So they can easily make fun of yours.

____________________________________________________________________

So that what I would say if I had ten second.

Currently listening

Heart and Music sung by my favorite stage actor   in the  world.   so yes I  do love Jonathan Groef. He is an amazing actor and singer.

Any I better get going now.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx