Annoyed with life

I won't to give up life. I been trying to be strong. Like don't people understand what they are saying have an effect on people. Like I always been there for my older sister, a lot more then what I should, to then say I don't care for her and say a lot of horrible things about me to me. All because I said I'm currently busy and don't really have time at the moment to chat. Also then she got the nerve to bring up my full brother her half brother Jamie-lee and how her and our biological mum going to try and contact him. Like first he my brother I should have a say and second you not allowed to make contact with him he is 19.

To make things worse all my friends who are Partners in the vision of Hope city church, are all getting excited for the Partners Ball. Like great, I just about afford rent and food, how I meant to be able to afford a dress, a train ticket to Leads and back. Also to make it worse it starts at 6:30 pm. So by the time it really kicks off I will have to run home because doors close at midnight. Like my the only friends who I really see in Sheffield go to hope city church and there isn't many times where we can just party because I'm always running off home because of curfews or/and Money.

I can not take life any more, every time it looks like it going up everything fulls down at and hits me at once.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Mix emotions

Ten mineuts ago I found out that Mark Salling who became famous for playing Noah 'puck' puckerman has died, what they say as suspected suicide.

Now when Glee started I was 12 and in high school the perfect audience for Glee. I watched all 7 sessions of it, and I loved Puck. So I was surprised and sadden to here that a healthy 35 year old man died.

However at the same time I knew he pleeded guilty to holding more then 50,000 child pornography. So at the same time I am not sad.

So I have this conflicted emotions running through my mind of sound I be upset and be allowed to grief or should I just get on with my day. Like he did something really horrible, bit at the same time he confessed and was ready to face his sentence.

Like January isn't hard enough for me. Like I am not suffering for suicidal thoughts, like just as I thoughts things was looking up. This happened.

Sorry I have to go make myself a nice hot chocolate and cry myself to bed.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Today is a typically Monday for me I went to meet my advercote, where we just talked about ETAJ and that even though she is waiting for it to come back to Sheffield, she voted for them on the Whatsonstage awards. As she heard nothing but good things from me (not my words) she said if it ever does a film I better be an extra. I was like no way as I am not confident enough to be on camera even if it a shot of me walking, I rather be a runner.

When I was done I went to get a program on what's on at the crucible and Lyceum. Some good things, there Hairspray, Mamma Mia, Titanic, Fat friend's. All looking great.

Then I walked home, listen to music on Capital FM. Like always sexist comment I just learn to blank it out know. I know I shouldn't of have to blank it out, but it pitsmoor. I just trying not let it get to me, because when of does it make me feel like trash, and not of any importance.

That why I am trying to get home before it get too dark, because the sexist comment come out in full force when it dark. Especially if they see you coming out of my place because they know it for Valuable young women.

When I try to explain to people it just not safe  but they don't have to go through the comment every time they go out. Like come on I already have very little worth in myself. I don't need to be knocked anymore.

Anyway goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

Why does love always feel like a Battlefield

As I am writing this blog I have Jordan Sparks Battlefield. For my experience or lack of it I can personally say Love is like a Battlefield, you always fighting with it. Never really know if you winning, losing or if it a draw.

Sometimes I just wish there no such thing as love, but then again, without the magic of love then what the point of living. Also I love my friends, and even though I don't see them my family. With travel, money, me being busy and that my annoying hostel having a rule that I am not permitted to stay out more then 3 days a week and have to be back before midnight or I be locked out till 8am rules.

Anyway I only contacted here till the end of August anyway hopefully the next place is a little more free with the rules. So going to try and stay in Sheffield. I want to make Sheffield my home, but with being on Benefit I only can go where I can afford to go. Which sucks really.

Anyway I had to get up at 5:20 had four hours sleep, I'm hungry, but nothing edible in my kitchen till Tuesday. The government don't understand to live on the amount they give us isn't enough to buy enough food pay rent, and socialise at the same time.

 Like don't they understand what importance being social have. If I had no social life and spend on my money on food and rent then I will have serious mental health issue. Like I don't already have depression, suicidal thoughts and been acting on self harming.

Anyway goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx









P.s Vote for Everybody Talking about Jamie, in the 18th Anniversary of WhatsonStage Award. They deserve every single vote because they are beautiful and I owe them everything. So every chance I can say thank you I will take it no question about it.

Another poem

I know I have son a lot of poems of late but I can't really talk about what I'm going through with words. It just to emotional. I did promise to keep going. So here the poem.

An unopened Flower
A cocoon butterfly
Scared...
Waiting
Not knowing when it their turn
To walk in the sun
For their time to Shine.
"I can do this"
Then again
What if I can't.
I'm just a dead
I'm just a caterpillar.
Nothing worthy of your love.
A ugly
No good.
Someone who trapped
Locked in a cage
Who can't escape the fear.
The war inside them.









That all I can managed today without my ears watering with tears. Thank for reading it.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Facebook q&a

If you guys got Facebook then you know it get a new feature where they ask some basic Q&A styled question. So I thought I better give you my answer to some of them.

1. What is your dream holiday? It has to go to New York from the age of 13 years old I always wanted to go. To see Empire State building, Statue of Liberty and go to see a show on Broadway. One day hopefully I will go.
2. How many countries have your visited? I been to five different countries, Spain x3, Greece x 3, Turkey, Malta and Tanzania.
3. Between Earth, Fire, Air and water, the element I identity myself with is..... Water because I love connecting with people and the thing that connect countries is water.
4. In the shower I like to sing.. Flying the Flag.
5. I wish I could speak... Greek.
6. Between coffee and dessert it would be harder to give up... Dessert as I don't like coffee. I don't like the smell
7. One of the beloved toys from my childhood was.. A stuffed Husky called Daniel. I just love him, I just didn't go to bed without him. Sadly he no longer with me.
8. If I could live on any film set it would be.. Beauty and the Beast.
9. If I could choose any job imaginable I would want to be a film editor, as I just love watching how the film come together and seeing how much hard work everybody put into producing something that can Gert other people imagination going.
10. Between dogs and cats I prefer, Dogs. Even though I loved my Thelma and Louise but if I had to pick one I would go for a dog.
11. My biggest Treasure is my Everybody talking about Jamie signed program, and the script and the concept album. As they mean so much to me. 
12. If you know me, you will give me.. Chocolate. Enough sad.
13. The album that always put me in a good mood is Everybody talking about Jamie Concept album.
14. If I could face my fears or forget them I'd rather.. Face them then you become a bigger person.
15. One of the best thing in my life is ..... My friends that I made they always put a smile on my face and always I don't know how make me laugh.

That all for now

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Hello guys. First of let me say sorry for no blog yesterday. I wanted to celebrate and remember my flatmate and friend without worrying about finding the strength to write a blog.

Hopefully now the one year to myself. Then again I am odd and to be fair do we fully stop grieving. Like I still miss my dad and it been nearly 20 years since he passed away.

I personally think that it shouldn't about feeling sorry that they are gone, it should be a celebration of their life and trying to remember the good time that you created.

I remember with my friend I just remember how we just sit in the lounge area and watch films. We always had a good time. The first film we watch together was Frozen.

It just now strange now to listen to BBC Radio Sheffield as we used to live opposite there, so I don't really listen to it that often now. As well as I don't like walking pass home fundraising office, ad we both work there.

I will truly miss her, but I know she want me to carry on and be happy.

Anyway goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx