Dreams and goals

Hi guys I though that today I might write day a couple of dreams and goals of mine. Even though some of them can overlap. So here the list. So I going to do one massive list.

1. To get a job in the film industry.
2. To be happier with myself
3. To write a book
4. To move from Pitsmoor
5. To visit a new place
6. To face a fear
7. Go to a music festival.
8. To learn a song of by heart from Everybody Talking about Jamie.
9. To complete and preform the play I'm currently working on.
10. To be more confident in my poems and stop thinking that my writing terrible.

Yeah I know I said a massive list, but I don't have a massive list. As I don't want to write, or have to many dreams and goals, because I don't want to let people down if they don't succeed. I am not that good, when it come to dream, as I'm always scared of letting the people I love down. I am a week person mentally and I am scared of what life have in store for me. I know it won't be smooth. 

For me it feels like I am always getting hit by the face. Don't matter how many times I try and move away from the punch. It always seem to hit me in the gut. So don't matter what I do. I'm going to get hurt badly. 

That what it feels like, and that why I don't have many goals and dreams in otter fear of getting punched in the face so many times that I will get knockout and bleed to death. 

Anyway let have more cheerful way to end this blog post. I watched three movies today. First I watched Boxtrolls, which is a funny family animated movie. That was followed straight after by Beauty and the Beast, staring the beautiful Emma Watson and handsome Dan Stevens. Last but not least I watched The Best Exotic Merrigold Hotel. Which is such a uplifting movie, about old age. That don't matter the age you never to mind to learn new things and to be able to change your mind about a subject.

That's it for now. I wish you all the best

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Random question time

Well that great got sunburnt and have a little bit of sun stroke. I enjoy the sun but now I feel really light headed. Despite that I had a nice day out with my friends.

I thought due to my sun stroke I just going to answer some conversation starter questions so I can at least post something.

1. What is the biggest challenge you are facing right now? The biggest challenge is facing mental health, Suicidal thoughts, Self  harming and low self-esteem. I always seem to be putting myself down due to the voices in my head that aren't really. The only way I seen to cope with all these is suicidal thoughts/near attempt a couple of times and self harming.
2. Who is your strangest friend? What makes them strange? One of my house mates called Jess. She just supper bonkers she can just walk into my room and we would just start laughing for a good ten minutes.
3. What is the best way to meet new friends? Just going out there and meeting new people. All my closet friends was stranger once. It wasn't until I got outside and went places when they start becoming friends.
4. What personality traits in other people do you hate? When somebody very opinionated. To the point where they think that there is the only opinion and if somebody have a different view that they are wrong.
5. What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned from a failure? That it can be painful to full, but the best thing to do is got back on the horse.

That all question I am answering.

I going to get going now.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny

Talking away.

Today was a pretty standard Saturday in the fact that there wasn't much to do. However good news after waiting since early February. Which realise so much weight of my shoulders. As it the sort of news that I needed before I could start thinking of moving to a different project. As all other project needed this one thing that been approved. Now it all down to see how much help I am offered to see what project I can go into.

Anyway today I watched Anastasia, which is one of my favorite animated musicals. Even though it based on a true story and that story it didn't have a happy ended, it still have some facts that are true. I just love the songs in it.

Anyway I thought so I can get some of series read that I've been interested in reading I thought that I might add 5 series that I have to read before reading any other books. Doubt I'll do that it depends on what Waterstones have in store. However these are the top five series that I want to read.

1. Warriors of Poseidon by Alyssa Day
2. Immortal Witches by Maggie Shayne
3. Sweep by Care Tiernan
4. The chronicles of Faeries by O.R. Mellings
5. Beke Cooper by Tamora Pierce

Once I read all five of these series I will add five more to the list.

Anyway I thought that I might add an inspirational message. I know I am not the best person to give inspirational message. However sometimes it is great to be reminded that, don't matter what you are going through, you are not alone. There are other people who in the same boat as you. You are amazing and that you are worthy of the love. Don't matter what you going through, out there in the rainy, gloomy world, there a rainbow out there for you, waiting for you. You just need to start looking.

Anyway I can't stop smiling as I am listening to the Original West end Cast Recording to the most epic, uplifting, most fabulous musical out there that is, Everybody Talking about Jamie on Spotify. For the past 40 minutes I have had on the same song on repeat and that is "Out Of the Darkness." It making me feel like it talking to me. As I never feel like I belong anywhere. When I first heard this song I wanted to cry, as it felt like I'm was home. I know it sound stupid. 

Anyway I want to give a massive shout out to the lovely, Mina Anwer, as was her last two performances as the outstanding Ray in Everybody talking about Jamie today. I grew up watching her in Sarah Jayne Adventure, so  it was so nice to finally to get to see her preform, in such a epic musical that can talk to all sort of people. In so many ways she reminds me of my mum who I grew up with. Funny, and always looking for a bargain.

Anyway Mina if you are reading this. I love watching you preform Ray. You are amazing, such a talent, and I can't wait to see what is in store for you. You've been such an inspiration from a young age. I always wanted to say how much seeing you work in both TV and stage, made me full in love with the media industry. I wish you all the best for the future, and I can't wait to see what's in store. 

All the best.

Goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx.

Poem party

I feel like the whole write a poem every Monday jist going through the window. Which give me time to actually write something that I am happy with. Without worrying that everybody thinking that it's rubbish.

I wrote this on Wensday at word art at a very beautiful cafe here in Sheffield called The Holt. I was really pleased how it turned out in the long run. So I thought I might share that with you today.

Here it goes

What is the world
In which we stand
Where different is bad
And normal is good.
But if you take a look 
At the things around
You'll find 
No two things, are the same
The tree's
The grass
The animals
That we share
Our home.
Why should we hide? 
The things that make
You special
You shouldn't lock you heart.
As you can't cage
A beauty
That need to step 
Into the light.
Just like a diamond.
You need to shine
So stop being 
The grey
As there so many
Colours to choose from.

That is it for the poem today. I wrote two more poems on Wensday however they are for the open mic night on July 3rd. Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Here we go

I honestly don't know what to talk about today. I have so many feeling going through me. Yet I can't think I can express them. I think this is down to me always trying to be somebody who I'm not. I always try and make people happy despite if I'm feel like jumping of a bridge myself.  Which in all fairness I have considered serval times this week. Including today.

From this I got myself a bad ankle from kicking something I expecting it to be soft, but wasn't. This was out of pour anger with myself. I wanted the counseling sessions I go to to at least help me. I just feel like instand of feeling better, I feel worse.

I feel angry that I couldn't help my flat mate who passed away. I know that probably sound stupid. As I couldn't help me. I couldn't of known what was happening in the room next to me. All I had one the 24th January 2017 was the sense something not right, and that I should check it out. However I just blamed it on the cold pizza I had for breakfast that morning.

I guess I having a lot of emotions I'm going through at the moment. I'm not one to talk about emotions in fear that people will laugh at me. So I just normally put on a mask and act like everything alright when I know deep down I'm not alright. My life a living nightmare.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Late night talk

I know that this is later then the time I normally do it. As I literally came back to the hostel like twenty minutes ago. Well as I started writing this I would have. As I've just been to Dinner parties which is something my church does. As Hope City believe that a church isn't just a Sunday thing and that we should have a community outside of Sunday Church.  Plus the Church there so many people in which you can easily get lost, in the sense you don't feel connected.

Enough about Hope City, as I am not that sort of Christian that goes on about Church and Christianity. There is more to me then my faith. Which I know I'm still trying to understand, but my faith is only a puzzle piece.

I do enjoy other things. For example, I love reading, writing, singing (when nobody listening of course. Don't want to scare anybody with my terrible voice.) As well as watching movies especially fantasy, watching TV, e.g. call the midwife, going to theater, however the last time I want to the theater was in November and that was to see Everybody Talking about Jamie. I also love spending time with friends.

However people don't understand this about me. That is I love spending time on my own. I've been like that since I was a child. I wasn't really one to go out much and play with friends. I would mainly stay inside and watch TV. For me of it does have an effect on me if I spend to much time with people during a space of seven days. I will see people, but it does have an effect on my mind and body if I don't have enough me time. Like I feel super tired, and physical ill.

I know that this is probably to much information, but I just in a mood. That the only way I can express my thoughts is through my blogs. As it feels like the people who read my blogs are the only people who care, and the only people who are actually interesting in what I got to write. Even though, before any of you say anything I know what you going to say, but don't you lying, you trying to make me feel better about my writing skills and my life is great. However my life is so dull and grey, there nothing special about plain old Zanny Taylor. I'm just an average 22 year old girl from Leicester, who trying to start her new life in Sheffield.

Anyway it currently 10:35pm so I going wrap this up.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Mayday is here.

How can it be May 1st already. April went super fast, but the year been super fast anyway so far. At the rate we going it going to be 2019 in no time. Which in reality I don't want to think about because I there so many things I need to do this year.

So today was painted fabrics where we used interviews from the 90's of people of Painted fabrics or their children/niece/nephews of the man who worked there. We all looked at different one's. I got Edin Key who is the daughter of a ex service man, who had in total 37 wound. This including his left arm amputated, his right hand wounded and gun shots in his legs. In all fairness, he should of been dead. From the facts from the interview, we had to then turn it into a monologue. Which was so interesting reading up on somebody life and then writing something that they would say about their life. Of course I had to do it in the point of view of the daughter, because he passed away before the interview in 1966. But it was totally interesting learning about him and his daughter.

When then finished I walked straight down to Theater Deli where I did some yoga. Which was fun. Felt relaxed and tired, which I couldn't as I had a 45 minute walk home. So I had to not full asleep. They say after yoga you get a natural glow in which you can't help but smile. However I always smile, as it spread like butter if one person smiles you can't help but smile.

When I got home I finished watching P.S. I love you. Which is such a beautiful film. I'm not one for romantic, however this is showing how people cope when somebody who they love pass away, and their just needing a sign to say that it is OK for them to date other people now.

In this film it through letters, which shows that a nice hand written letter are amazing. I think personally we should go back where we send letters to people. I know we got social media and phones now, but the joy of getting a personalised, handwritten or types letter in the post is something you can't replace.

I am currently dreading always going to collect post because it always things from the Job center. There is only one month where the more exciting, and that is December, and that is only because it is my birthday month and it is Christmas. The other 11 nothing interesting. So random letters do cheer people up. Well it for me anyway.

I thought for the next week. I should put a positive life quote

Here the first one

Fill your life with adventure, not things. Have stories to tell. Not things to show.

I now wish you all a goodnight

Love you.

Zanny xx