The greatest love of all

As I am typing the post I am listening to my favorite song by Whitney Houston which is Greatest Love of All. If you haven't heard the song before then you've must of been living under a rock.

It such an empowered song, that basically saying that the greatest love of all, isn't the amount of people who love you, it that love of yourself.

Personally self love is one of the hardest things that I am still learning to do. Whitney Houston keep saying  to not to follow in anybody footsteps, which is true, but at the same time let them guide you. As well as trust in one heart, as then if you win you know it was truly you, who succeeded and if you fail then you know what you did wrong.

My self love is improving, there isn't a lot of self love, but enough at the moment, that I'm started to listening to my own heart and not being forced into doing something I'm not comfy with because my friends and family say so.

For me it one step after another, an I'm slowly getting there, but thankfully with the help of my friends, helping gaining my self love.

I think it helpful if you have people alongside you to help you to walk along this path with. As today we was meant to have this self-esteem and me time thing but it got cancelled because me and one other girl showed up. I thought I don't know these girls who live here that much, to the point where I want to talk about self-esteem. One of the activity in which you basically pick up a card with a good trait on it and you have to either keep it to yourself or passed it to another resident in which you think suits that trait. I don't know any of the other residents enough to do that with. Plus I doubt any of them match me. I don't know what my good traits are.

Anyway I got to go.

So goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Painted Fabrics

As some of you know on Thursdays I went to this Drama workshops. Well the person who ran it, is a putting on a play in November about Painted Fabric and she asked if we was interested in being apart of it, and we all agreed.

As from what I've been told and researched into Painted Fabrics, it surprising that living in Sheffield I never heard of it before. As it played a big part in a way rehabilitating amputees solders from ww1 through art. The art in which they create sold all over the world, and even to the Royal Family. The building in which hold the same name, in which they was all housed and did their art, are still standing.

I think by doing this will give me huge confidence in what I am able to do. At least I got 7/8 months to get ready for it. Our first get together is on April 17th.

Today I haven't really been doing much. Just listening to music watching youtube Video. One of the first YouTube video I clicked on was Jamie Campbell's latest video, which started his beautiful mum Margaret. Jamie came to light by his documentary which was later turned into the West End Musical Everybody Talking about Jamie. Which is all the way fabulous, magical, beautiful and uplifting story which at point make you cry.

Anyway I wish you all the best and I talk to you soon.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Stressed

Today I brunt myself on purpose. Since Saturday night loads on things have been stacking up one after another. To the point that it to much to handle.

Like I just want to handle my emotions in a healthy way, yet my tablets don't help. Music at the moment doesn't help. Before you say walking, it never helps.

So like I feeling tried, stressed out. Like I feel like nothing helping. Like this place first meant to be helping me cook a meal, yet I can just about throw chips in the oven without burning the house down. Yet I'm 22. I can barley look up recipe online, because is rubbish. Every time I go to a new website, internet goes or if I play a song there is a interference every 30 second of it.

Then they meant to be helping me make progress to full independent living, yet I feel they are making no effect to move on. Every time I ask if the person who we got a hold of to fill in this form, they like don't worry, if need be we can extended your stay if.

I don't want to stay here, I want to get out. It a horrible area, I don't really get along with anybody. So living here I feel really lonely, there nobody to talk to. Plus it doesn't help that my auntie keep bringing up this disorder that I might have, but yet nobody heard of it.

Like stop bringing it up. Like I know I struggle with showing my emotions and making friends but stop pushing it in my face. I can't deal with it anymore.

Anyway got to get going

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Poem

How much do you know
Of the girl that stands before you.
Of the past she come from
The dream she dreams of
The fight she struggling to fight
Yet she fights it alone.
All cover in bruises
Yet hides them.
Not letting the world know
Scared of reopening them
For them to not heal again.
Friends keep asking
"How are you"
"I'm fine I'm truly am"
Yet
She not.
She just don't want them to see.
Just waiting for the day
She can
Take that
Jump

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Well due to the snow over the weekend what I was hoping to do today I had to cancel. This was because I couldn't even get put of the drive way, without nearly slipping over. It was so icy. Thankfully, it melted now. So it safe for me to walk to town in the morning.

The for most of the afternoon I chilled out listening to music. Just relaxing. There isn't much to do on a Monday afternoon. I talked to my key worker to see of she heard anything from somebody if they fill out this form for me. As it has to been done by a health professional. She said she hasn't heard from them yet. She said that I don't need to worry because they won't kick me out.

However I want to get out of this place, it doesn't feel safe for me. I felt safer living next to a nightclub. However I can't just move out like that. As if I did and become homeless, I wouldn't get help from the council. So I am stuck in this place until they find me somewhere to me to go. A place that is like a step down from Peile house anyway.

After that, I added some extra bit for my play that I am writing, for one of the sessions I take on a Tuesday, called The Killer Clown. The person who runs it says it really good, he said if he watched it on stage he would be a bit scared, which in a sense a good thing in a way.

The funny thing is there is a puppet clown in the theatre where we hold these sessions and it is the inspiration behind The Killer Clown. It not completed but I have really enjoyed writing this script. It be cool if I finish it. Only two more weeks of this word Art, stained glass art and Writing for fun with Frank the Alien, before we break of for holidays.

Now I have to think of a way to put this stupid sentence in my play. Don't matter how I say it, it doesn't make sense. It probably my mind over thinking it.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you.

Zanny xx

Snow, church and dresses.

Well today was interesting. I was woken up at 5:20 in the morning by one of the housemates thinking it was alright to bang on my bedroom window, to be let in. First off it 5:20 don't bang on people windows at that time.  Secondly, the doors are locked from midnight to about 7:30-8 for a reason and it in the rules stating this.

Couldn't really go back to sleep so for up, chilled out before heading out in ankle deep snow at 8am. It was a task to walk to church for wiztots this morning. Then to be told there no 10am service just the praise and worship. So there no wiztots in the morning.

For the 5pm I didn't go in due to even though it was clearing up where I live is still even know pretty bad. So I just explained that it just not safe for me to walk back down as it really slippy now. Aldo my legs are sore for trying not to full, and the fact that I am always on them. Pretty much all day 7 days a week.

So instead I helped out the staff worker who was sorting through dresses to put on this website, to raise money to YWCA Peile house. Which is where I like. One of the dresses that I noticed is a beautiful yellow floor length ball dress and it is my size. It's just beautiful.

I also been looking through stained glass design that I can possible do next term. I want to move onto slightly more complicated design that what I've been working on at the moment. I want something to say wow that amazing. However I don't want something that going to take a year to make. I am doing a teapot. I just got to see what I fancy doing and how confident I feel then slightly step out of it.

Anyway see you soon.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Short post

Just as I thought that I was getting better. The wounds that was healing, had to be open on Wednesday. Now I feel 10x times worse off. I can't take this. I feel like I want to end this but can't. Like I know I only had one counseling session, but to much truma for the experience and the past that I don't need.

To make things worse I've found out that my childhood friend from Leicester passed away last night. We grew up together, we went to the same nursery and primary school together. We was also neighbours.

I remember how I would go round Joshua's house and played in the living room when our mums would sit in the kitchen drinking tea or coffee.

My favorite memory of him was in the summer holidays before we went to different high school, me, him, his mum and his little sister Melissa, went to a maze. We separated into two teams and I just remember having the time of my life that day.

So two death are on my mind, my flatmate which I just feel guilty about and then my childhood friend. Then depression playing on my mind just keep on telling me to die and that I am ugly, stupid and worthless. That I don't have a family. Which is true in a sense because I don't have any family who I talk to. So I pretty much alone on this planet.

Now got to go before I flood my bedroom.

Goodnight everybody

Zanny xx