I have no idea what I am talking about anymore!!!

Today I had a friend come round for a cuppa tea, and we had a light breakfast. She kindly brought me some flowers which totally made my day, because nobody have ever brought me flowers before. I was looking for a glass as that the only thing I could put them in.

After that I did some I chilled out to when it was the sessions in which we attend on a Saturday. Some, well most of them I don't go to as I don't see the point in talking about these subject. Like today was good neighbours. Like what are they saying if we live here we won't be a good neighbours? I know they have to do certain ones like drug misuse, things about drinking, sexual health, positive relationship and women's health. The only thing I really need help on is Positive relationship, self-esteem and cooking.

Yet I feel like they never lesson to me. Like my key worker said she will help me go from throwing things in microwave to eat to proper home cook meals, when I moved in. This was back in September.

As I've been low on food, so for the past couple of days I just had bread and butter because that all I had, and I couldn't do any shopping because I can't afford it.

Not that I don't mind living of bread and butter for now, because I really not happy with the way I look.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Poems from open mic night

I thought as I have nothing to share tonight I might share the poems in which I read at the open mic night. Liked I promised, but some reason I never got read to it. I didn't give them any of them title as I didn't know what to call them.

The first one when I was writing it, I didn't know what tomorrow might bring, it might be good or it might be bad. However I know love out there somewhere.



My heart
It sings
Of what tomorrow might brings
Will the sun of my heart 
Burst through the darkness of my mind
Or will the rain of my past
Drown the flashlight of my soul.
The mask I wear
To hide what underneath
The pain 
The scars
The heartache
The lost of love ones
But I need to fight this
To fight through the oceans of tears
The fire of my despair
To grab the out reached hand
That is love

The second one I just wanted to say to the audience that they are loved. That there is a fire within them.

Hey you!
Listen
There is a change
A change worth fighting,
For a better life.
Where you can be you.
I can see the fire within
The swords at the ready.
Where even when we are one
We have the heart of 
Millions
So brothers
Sisters
Stand with me
And fight
Cause in the end 
You are worth
The love


When I was writing the last one which I read out I was confessed about a dream. All I heard throughout the whole dreams where these words. So

Breath
Listen
Close your eyes.
The forest is alive
Making me run
Deeper
Until I've stopped
This untouched world 
That's before me
Full of dreams
Full of magic
Full of love
The sounds of the leaf blowing in the wind 
The warmth of the sun rays hitting my face
As the sounds of birds singing their love songs.
As I sit on my rock 
Not wanting to leave 
My forever home





Those of the three that I read out loud in public. I still can't believe that I did that. They want me too read more poetry at the next open mic night. Which I didn't know what to say. I just say I will see as I will have to write more poems.


Anyway I will you all the best

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Just random talking

So I want to share one of my stories that I written, with you.  Even if it a little bit. However I am scared of sharing my stories. Even though two people who have heard my stories like them. Both of which are done English literacy at Uni and graduated.

One of which says that he like how I come up with a back story for every single character I have. I don't spend time thinking of who the characters are. The back story just form in front of me.

However most of my stories I done with Crisis skylight. So yesterday I decided to start writing my own story which nobody heard. I just want to write something from my heart.

I am not saying the past stories aren't from the heart, but because they started by accident. I like the ones I've started by accident because I carried on with them each week but this one I will write something when I have energy. At least I can get back to writing my Frank the Alien weekly from the 23rd April, at Couch café.

It be odd not doing any stained glass on a Tuesday for a while I really enjoy doing it. However I will have the Painted Fabrics which will over laps it. So I probably won't get back to November. Which is good cause I have loads that I don't know what to do with.

So if you want one of my stained glass creation or know somebody who love one. Let me know.

Anyway with the Olivier awards are this Sunday. I thought what would if my life was turned into a musical. Then I tried to think of some songs that I think would fit into my life. Here five

1. If I die young - glee version
2. Root before branches - glee
3. Here to us - glee
4. One moment in time - Whitney Houston
5.   Space Between - Descendants 2

I know this wouldn't be the full musical but if songs that already out there, where in a musical of my life these would suit it. However my life isn't interesting enough to be made in a musical. So nobody talking about Zanny.

So I am looking forward to spend some time with my friend Amber on Saturday. As she come round my house for a cuppa. Then I am meeting a Newbie on Monday. Our friendship started from our love for Everybody Talking about Jamie. That why I love the magic of the Theatre because friends can be made there.

Got to go now.

Goodnight everybody.

Love you.

Zanny xx.

5 things

Today I am going to write a list of things I think make me special. This could be due to my personality or looks. This isn't to brag about myself. I am doing this in a way I can build my self-esteem up. I will try to write at least five things. Then give a reason why. I might add more it depends on if I can think of any.

If you like the add to the list please let me know, I might do one of what my friends and love one. Mainly for when I feel down I can always go back to it and hoping reminding myself that I am loved. So here we go.

1. My eyes- I love my eye colour as it very unique in that it like a blue with a green or grey hint to it or both depending on the lighting. However if you look at my baby picture then they would be pure baby blue .
2. I'm creative - I am very creative in the sense I write stories, poems and on a board cast team. As well as doing other creative activity e.g. Acting which I would of thought this time last year I would never do. I enjoy watching it by I never thought of doing workshops on it.
3. I always try and smile- I try and be the one, that doesn't matter the weather I would have a smile on my face, because I believe smiles spread like wild fire. It can just light up anybody else day.
4. I'm wried- I am happy to say that I am odd because that mean I'm not normal, as who in the end want to be normal as that is boring. Being odd means you are happy with being you and that you don't mind being you in front of others.
5. I dress for me- lot of my close friends and family always ask why I don't keep with in the fashion. It because I don't want to dress to impress. I want to dress in what I feel comfy in well I find my style. 

That all that I can think of for now thank you for reading.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Poem

I'm back again. I don't really know what to write in today's blog post. As I had a quite a long day really.  So I thought I might share the poem I wrote yesterday when I was at my lowest.

Goodbye
I need to say
Goodbye.
Not see you soon
Goodbye
The I can't take this anymore
Goodbyes.
The pain in my heart.
Already killing me.
Killing anything good that inside me.
I know there no future for me.
No parents who love me.
Not a family to call my own.
No hand to hold when I get scared.
No calming voice to say
everything is alright.
I am lost and scared.
Nobody will know.


Goodbye.





____________________________________________________________________

I was really struggling yesterday to the point where I was soo closed to ending my own life. There was points today where I wanted to do it but didn't.

I guess I was scared.

Anyway goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

I am going to change how I look at myself, it going to be hard to do I know. There will be times where I feel like I want to give up. However I feel like it something that I must do.

I need to start thinking positive about myself, dress nicely, which probably means new wardrobe. Which be something other the years, as I won't be afford a new wardrobe full of clothes in one go. Just a way to feel more confidence in who I am and what I want to do in life.

I know most people at my age should have a clear idea of where they would like to go. Like I know what I want to be, but at the same time I don't know who I am. I  know that I come from a single parent family. I know from a young age I needed to not think about myself and grow up faster then I should. To be the bigger sister from 8 years old due to my teacher not being able to cope with my oldest sister. Which in the end not really having much time with my mum figure as she would be always calming my sister down.

I know like two things about myself self that I can and able to say. Which are I am creative, I've enjoy reading and writing poems and stories. Second is that I have nice eyes. My eyes in my opinion are the best features on my face. If anybody ask name one things I like about myself I will always say my eyes. As that what people say that the first thing that they noticed about me are my eyes. So yeah.

Anyway I got to go.

Talk to you soon.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Happy Easter

First off let me say Happy Easter. Let me just say Easter and Christmas are my favorite hoildays. Not because of the food element, even though it does help, but because of the reason we celebrate it. Now don't worry I won't go all Christian on you, I am just here if you want to ask any question, ask away.

Now first of sorry for the break I just had. I needed sometime to myself to think about things, as mentally I been struggling with certain things in which I didn't want to share even with my close friends let alone the whole world.

This week I finished my last stained glass piece for a while. Until November/December at the earliest I be back to stained glass art. So that give me enough time to look up some inspiration for me to do.

I also been writing some of my own stories and poems for the fun of it. Well I try and get a good collection of poems in which I am happy with, or at least, not angry at. As maybe one day I might want to publish something. That all down if I believe that any of my story/poetry book will sell.

I have so many characters in my head, that I will need to get myself a little notepad and pen, just so I can write down all my characters down. At the moment I don't have a favorite character, there are all very unique and special in there own way.

Anyway got to go.

I wish you all a goodnight.

Love you

Zanny xx