I really need to stop listening to love song, song about falling in love, being in love, falling out of love or being in love with someone who doesn't love you back.
Even though I am one of the four at the moment. I am coming to the point in my life where I need to accept that I will end up dying alone and need to accept that will be OK if I do.
Like if a man come into my life great, but I need to stop looking for love, because at this will be single for my whole life, like I know I will be letting two of my dreams go of getting married and starting a family.
The reason I am saying this is because I see people falling in love. Getting engaged and starting a life together. It hits me that their children are more likely to get married before I do. To be honest who would want a life with me. I know I wouldn't choice me.
It took a couple of days of crying at night to understand that nobody would want me. I know it is harsh, but isn't it better to face the truth that I going to die without the knowledge off being in a relationship, the knowledge off raising a family. Then to face it when I am old and alone.
So before you all talk I am doing myself a favor, but I am not saying that I won't keep my heart open for the chance of love, but I not pinning high hopes of finding the men where I can spend the rest of my life with.
Anyway got to go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Friday, 21 September 2018
Thursday, 20 September 2018
Queen's award to Shiloh party preparation
Oh my. What am I going to do? I can't believe that am doing what I agreed to do. On the 4th October, I am going to Rotherham, to a celebration for the charity Shiloh. As they have been awarded the Queen's Award for Volunteer service. At this event me and a few other are going to preform a short monologue in which we have written ourselves.
The Monologue have to do with our experience of being homeless/vulnerable. I was only asked to do this today, so I have to write, learn and then preform in a space of two weeks. Like I know I can write something and preform it, if I had it in front of me. However to learn it, because it best to not to do it without prompts.
Like of course I am looking forward to do this, however I never preformed a monologue, in front of people. I always sang in a group. I always had other people with people, but to stand in front of people and preform on my own.
I know it be an amazing experience, I just worried that I am going to forget my lines are ramble my lines because I won't have people helping me.
I know deep down I can do it. I have a few people there to support me. I know there will be people cheering me on. Just wish me luck as this will be my first real job. (Getting paid with food and travel.)
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Zanny xx
The Monologue have to do with our experience of being homeless/vulnerable. I was only asked to do this today, so I have to write, learn and then preform in a space of two weeks. Like I know I can write something and preform it, if I had it in front of me. However to learn it, because it best to not to do it without prompts.
Like of course I am looking forward to do this, however I never preformed a monologue, in front of people. I always sang in a group. I always had other people with people, but to stand in front of people and preform on my own.
I know it be an amazing experience, I just worried that I am going to forget my lines are ramble my lines because I won't have people helping me.
I know deep down I can do it. I have a few people there to support me. I know there will be people cheering me on. Just wish me luck as this will be my first real job. (Getting paid with food and travel.)
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Zanny xx
Tuesday, 18 September 2018
Took their time
First off, i thought I should be sharing good news. I should be moving to my new place by Halloween. The place is ready for me to move into next Monday, but because there is some paper work in which my key worker and I have to do, plus packing. It going to take at least two weeks to send paper work off and hear back from people, then they have to give time to get things packed, and sorted, then sign off their service it going to take at least a month to sort everything out.
So after what seams like forever I finally moving out of the YWCA hostel. I should of moved out last month, but complication stopped it from happening. I am glade because I can experience a new start in a new area, plus I can make the new place a home, as I don't have to move out within a year.
As you guys know I've started to write a book. Well I invest in four books for inspiration when I am running out of ideas. For style, how they created tension try and see how they keep their reader hooked. The plus for me is that all the authors are female, and they are not huge names like Suzanne Collins and J.K Rowling.
I am not saying that this authors are not amazing, it more that they don't have much of a fan group, hense their work don't get so worked up. So when coming to read their work I don't know what to expect so it be my honest opinion and that I won't get disappointed.
This is one of reason I will never read anything by James Patterson book. The reason why because he such a big name, and written so many books that it feels like where do you start and even when I tried to read one of his books I was bored. His writing style for me is pretty boring.
So the books I got are
So after what seams like forever I finally moving out of the YWCA hostel. I should of moved out last month, but complication stopped it from happening. I am glade because I can experience a new start in a new area, plus I can make the new place a home, as I don't have to move out within a year.
As you guys know I've started to write a book. Well I invest in four books for inspiration when I am running out of ideas. For style, how they created tension try and see how they keep their reader hooked. The plus for me is that all the authors are female, and they are not huge names like Suzanne Collins and J.K Rowling.
I am not saying that this authors are not amazing, it more that they don't have much of a fan group, hense their work don't get so worked up. So when coming to read their work I don't know what to expect so it be my honest opinion and that I won't get disappointed.
This is one of reason I will never read anything by James Patterson book. The reason why because he such a big name, and written so many books that it feels like where do you start and even when I tried to read one of his books I was bored. His writing style for me is pretty boring.
So the books I got are
- Wicked lovely by Melissa Marr
- The Cruel Prince by Holly Black
- Grace and Fury by Tracy Banghart
- A promise of Fire by Amanda Bouchet.
That what I got. I honestly can't wait to check them out.
Anyway got to go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Sunday, 16 September 2018
Hi
I didn't expect to be back typing my blog. People was right I do love it. I know that this is the only place where I can be myself without people judging who I am. Somewhere where I could express my feeling with the on going feet that I am being judge from someone.
Today I went to the morning service of church. I walked there, which is a huge step for me, as it the first time I walked to Church at the same time when I was getting sexual assaulted last month. I was really scared, I felt like passing out a couple of times. A couple of times people approach me from behind and scared me. I know they meant it as friendly gesture. I just was just more jumpy.
The thing I can't get counseling due to it make go to court and they want a true account of how it affected my life. Surly needed to go to counseling prove that my life is unstable and need some help getting my life on track.
The Sheffield sexual assault and rape center said that I am on their waiting list but it take up to six weeks to here something. Hopefully I hear something within the next two or three then.
I been watching a couple of things on Netflixs as well. Like Shadow hunters, and the old series of Call the Midwife's witch I love.
Update on book I am writing, I have written 1257 words. Within the past two days which is more then I thought I would of wrote in space of two days and I still write more. There 5 characters so far that we was introduced to. I need to introduced the bad person but it still early days.
Anyway goodnight
Love you
Zanny
Today I went to the morning service of church. I walked there, which is a huge step for me, as it the first time I walked to Church at the same time when I was getting sexual assaulted last month. I was really scared, I felt like passing out a couple of times. A couple of times people approach me from behind and scared me. I know they meant it as friendly gesture. I just was just more jumpy.
The thing I can't get counseling due to it make go to court and they want a true account of how it affected my life. Surly needed to go to counseling prove that my life is unstable and need some help getting my life on track.
The Sheffield sexual assault and rape center said that I am on their waiting list but it take up to six weeks to here something. Hopefully I hear something within the next two or three then.
I been watching a couple of things on Netflixs as well. Like Shadow hunters, and the old series of Call the Midwife's witch I love.
Update on book I am writing, I have written 1257 words. Within the past two days which is more then I thought I would of wrote in space of two days and I still write more. There 5 characters so far that we was introduced to. I need to introduced the bad person but it still early days.
Anyway goodnight
Love you
Zanny
Saturday, 15 September 2018
Update
I thought I will let everybody know how I am doing. I'm doing ok. I been treating myself of lately.. I been super stress of late, because I been told ten different things about housing situation.
The couple of weeks I brought myself couple new outfits, a F.R.I.E.N.D.S throw which I love, and a night out to the theatre to see Still Alice which was amazing. Made me emotional. It about a women in her 50's who have a great life. Loving family, great job. But she now got young onset Demeter. It a story about Alice and her family handles it. Seeing herself, his wife, their mum struggling to be herself.
I got myself a laptop, because I trying to write a book. I going to try and write at least 250+ words a day. I want to try and get something started, and try and finish something. Something that I am proud of, something that I want to considered publishing in the future.
I got my tickets down to London in December, as I am going down there for a couple of days for my birthday, and I wanted to do something I can remember of a great birthday. A birthday where I wasn't alone, or it was ruined. Something to finally say I had a great birthday. Instead of saying it alright when it wasn't.
Anyway got go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
The couple of weeks I brought myself couple new outfits, a F.R.I.E.N.D.S throw which I love, and a night out to the theatre to see Still Alice which was amazing. Made me emotional. It about a women in her 50's who have a great life. Loving family, great job. But she now got young onset Demeter. It a story about Alice and her family handles it. Seeing herself, his wife, their mum struggling to be herself.
I got myself a laptop, because I trying to write a book. I going to try and write at least 250+ words a day. I want to try and get something started, and try and finish something. Something that I am proud of, something that I want to considered publishing in the future.
I got my tickets down to London in December, as I am going down there for a couple of days for my birthday, and I wanted to do something I can remember of a great birthday. A birthday where I wasn't alone, or it was ruined. Something to finally say I had a great birthday. Instead of saying it alright when it wasn't.
Anyway got go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Tuesday, 4 September 2018
Thoughts
Happy Tuesday day everybody. I honestly I don't know why I keep on writing. There not much to write about. I'm alive and I am well. Well physically anyway, mentally is doesn't matter anymore, because I realize the only people in the care about my mental health is myself.
I honestly thought people care. Yes people care, bit when it comes to my mental health. They act like they don't know who I am. Like I am invisible, unimportant.
I need to stop trying to make friends, as nobody want to be love this thing that writing the blog. I don't know why I am trying to explain why I am reading I doubt anybody truly read this.
Why people always lie and say I can write? That I am amazing? Why can't they tell the truth anymore? Saying that I can achieve amazing things.
If you do get this far, you all probably thinking why I am saying all this, and that I am wrong. People always say these things. I am 22 years old and I have no plans, no future, no life worth living. I live in a city where I don't know who my friends are. Like true friends are, and not ones that they are my friend because I go to the same church as them, or do the same activity as them.
I can't say one name where I know if I ring them up they will answer. No friend who will nip round for a coffee, no friend who want to go for a random cinema trip. Nobody who randomly send me a text because they want to send me a random joke. I am alone.
Zanny
I honestly thought people care. Yes people care, bit when it comes to my mental health. They act like they don't know who I am. Like I am invisible, unimportant.
I need to stop trying to make friends, as nobody want to be love this thing that writing the blog. I don't know why I am trying to explain why I am reading I doubt anybody truly read this.
Why people always lie and say I can write? That I am amazing? Why can't they tell the truth anymore? Saying that I can achieve amazing things.
If you do get this far, you all probably thinking why I am saying all this, and that I am wrong. People always say these things. I am 22 years old and I have no plans, no future, no life worth living. I live in a city where I don't know who my friends are. Like true friends are, and not ones that they are my friend because I go to the same church as them, or do the same activity as them.
I can't say one name where I know if I ring them up they will answer. No friend who will nip round for a coffee, no friend who want to go for a random cinema trip. Nobody who randomly send me a text because they want to send me a random joke. I am alone.
Zanny
Monday, 3 September 2018
What to talk about?
It feel nice to feel so nice to be posting at a more steady pass now. I know for a couple of months my posting balance have been all over the place. I been struggling, and i am sorry. Thank you to all who stuck by me these past couple of months.
Yesterday marked a month since I was sexually abused. There been no updates on the situation. Each day I am scared, like even right now I am crying through the pain because I am scared to go outside. I want to be able to go pass the drive without wanting to turn back.
Anyway in a couple of weeks Crisis skylight session will be up and running. So back to session, and now I am taking a back seat at Painted fabrics and going to help back stage for personal reason. I will be able to go back to doing Stained glass Art.
I missed doing stained glass. I loved seeing something grow and being able to complete something. Even though I haven't hung anything up. I want to make something that I can proudly put up on the wall of my new place. When ever that going to be. So I really start thinking of design I can do.
I though as I haven't answered questions for a while I might answer a few.
Yesterday marked a month since I was sexually abused. There been no updates on the situation. Each day I am scared, like even right now I am crying through the pain because I am scared to go outside. I want to be able to go pass the drive without wanting to turn back.
Anyway in a couple of weeks Crisis skylight session will be up and running. So back to session, and now I am taking a back seat at Painted fabrics and going to help back stage for personal reason. I will be able to go back to doing Stained glass Art.
I missed doing stained glass. I loved seeing something grow and being able to complete something. Even though I haven't hung anything up. I want to make something that I can proudly put up on the wall of my new place. When ever that going to be. So I really start thinking of design I can do.
I though as I haven't answered questions for a while I might answer a few.
- Would you enjoy a vacation away from your technology? Yes. I would love a hoildays from my technology. I would love to go to a African country for a month. I might want to visit one I haven't been and I will make plans before I go of what I'm doing. Take a couple of books before bed, a camera, a notepad and a couple of friends. I probably will go somewhere like the Republic of Côte d'lvoire. It is also known as the Ivory Coast.
- If you lived in a tribal society what role would you play? I would be the tribe crazy lady. Joking. But it would make sense.
- What skill or craft would you like to master? Singing, acting, script writing and stained glass art.
- What subculture you wish to know more about? Punk, Neo-Victorian, cosplay to name a few.
- Who or what inspire you to become a better person?
- Tom MacRae and Dannie Pye. They supported me writing every single day. They are amazing people who are have been more helpful then they dare to believe. They inspire me because they are so lovely, Tom is an amazing writer and Dannie is an amazing Actor. They both have a heart of gold. I truly don't deserve them in my life.
- Jess Smith- Jess is so funny, she can have fun and yet she is really hard working and willing to help her friends out. She make sure she have at least 5 minutes for her friends.
- Margaret Campbell. She a strong independent women who just golden. Love her so much. She single handed raised a growing boy by herself and she did everything she can to see him happy.
Anyway I got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Sunday, 2 September 2018
This little butterfly
I'm screaming
For the help
Yet no one is there
No one there to hear.
The knife in which is left
Is cutting deeper
Day by day
No wound to see
But pools of blood surrounds me.
Drowning me with every breath.
Not a hand in sight to pull m out.
Where has the light gone.
Everything I see is now black.
Not a speck of white in sight.
Not an Angle around to protect
This little butterfly
In the midst of the night.
No unicorns
In the deepest of woods.
This little butterfly
Is stuck in the midst
Of a fire
With no way out.
_________________________________________
It been a while since I wrote a poem I know, but I thought why not just start typing and seeing where it goes. I missed writing Poems but I just didn't have any muse for them. There was a couple of days I missed posting due to not having anything interesting to write about, and had no muse for poems.
Poems won't be posted often or on a certain date. I just having a hard time being creative at the moment but I am setting tesk to get it back. You will hopefully see soon what I mean.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
For the help
Yet no one is there
No one there to hear.
The knife in which is left
Is cutting deeper
Day by day
No wound to see
But pools of blood surrounds me.
Drowning me with every breath.
Not a hand in sight to pull m out.
Where has the light gone.
Everything I see is now black.
Not a speck of white in sight.
Not an Angle around to protect
This little butterfly
In the midst of the night.
No unicorns
In the deepest of woods.
This little butterfly
Is stuck in the midst
Of a fire
With no way out.
_________________________________________
It been a while since I wrote a poem I know, but I thought why not just start typing and seeing where it goes. I missed writing Poems but I just didn't have any muse for them. There was a couple of days I missed posting due to not having anything interesting to write about, and had no muse for poems.
Poems won't be posted often or on a certain date. I just having a hard time being creative at the moment but I am setting tesk to get it back. You will hopefully see soon what I mean.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Friday, 31 August 2018
Just random talking
Hi everybody. I thought that today I won't be talking about social anxiety. As it such a big issue in today society that I need to be mentally ready to go public about it. As today people are so hard on people and there are people who will take it out on me for having social anxiety and Depression and I feel like I need to be in a stable mind frame, to be able to stand against them.
Now I was out with a friend this afternoon and we went to the crucible cafe. We had a lovely chat. Then we went to sit in the Peace garden to sit and people watch. We had fun, talking about how you can create characters based on people you watch. To how children are so brave, they are not scared to try new things and not scared to ask question.
Then we talked about weddings as there was a group of people who we believed just been to a wedding, all because they all love very lovely. Had amazing suites on, beautiful day dresses on.
Now the last wedding I been to was my mum and step dad (David) wedding about 6 years ago. Now it not like I been declining wedding invitation. I just haven't been invented to any. Now this isn't a plea to send me a invitation. It got me thinking, who are my closest friends. The ones who would love to see me at their wedding. Then again who I know will come to mine. (Nobody love me enough to even date me. So nobody would marry me.)
The answer is I am not close to anybody in a sense I would invite to wedding. Now here the reason, I don't think anybody would want to come. Also I feel like nobody want me at their big day. I have friends, but I can't help but feel like nobody want to get close to me then I see you next Sunday at church sort of friends. So there not anybody I feel I have to have at my wedding cause I not close to, or feel like they really care for me.
Anyway goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
Now I was out with a friend this afternoon and we went to the crucible cafe. We had a lovely chat. Then we went to sit in the Peace garden to sit and people watch. We had fun, talking about how you can create characters based on people you watch. To how children are so brave, they are not scared to try new things and not scared to ask question.
Then we talked about weddings as there was a group of people who we believed just been to a wedding, all because they all love very lovely. Had amazing suites on, beautiful day dresses on.
Now the last wedding I been to was my mum and step dad (David) wedding about 6 years ago. Now it not like I been declining wedding invitation. I just haven't been invented to any. Now this isn't a plea to send me a invitation. It got me thinking, who are my closest friends. The ones who would love to see me at their wedding. Then again who I know will come to mine. (Nobody love me enough to even date me. So nobody would marry me.)
The answer is I am not close to anybody in a sense I would invite to wedding. Now here the reason, I don't think anybody would want to come. Also I feel like nobody want me at their big day. I have friends, but I can't help but feel like nobody want to get close to me then I see you next Sunday at church sort of friends. So there not anybody I feel I have to have at my wedding cause I not close to, or feel like they really care for me.
Anyway goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
Thursday, 30 August 2018
Longest post ever. (For me it is)
Hi everybody. Now I hope you are all well? I know it been a while since I posted a god soild post on here and I am really sorry about. There been a lot on my mind these past couple of month especially this month. It been hard for to to find connection with people this summer due to my social anxiety, but that for another post. Which I might talk about it more tomorrow, because I never really talked about my social anxiety just my depression. Anyway back to my blog.
I know this is late but I can't believe that I been writing a blog for over a year. It was a shock when on my Facebook memories that it been a year since I started writing my blogs. Now it been a rocky journey, and been thinking of quitting on several occasions, due to stress, self esteem and not knowing what to write.
However I kept on writing and even though I still struggle. Like I struggled with my self-esteem, thinking my blogs are the worst and that I should give up, my stress level are high due to not knowing when I am moving. Then writers block. It wasn't till I started writing, to know what I going to talk about. I made notes before hand to keep me on track.
The highlight of writing the blogs are that when I have a bad day or a good day with my mental health. I have something to look forward. It something when I have a bad day it makes me get out and do something, or even research something to talk about.
It helped people understand who I am as a person and help me understand who I am. I know that journey is still ongoing, but due to this blog, it made me understand that I am brave, strong, caring, loyal and a fighter.
Enough of my blog. I can't believe that we near the end of August. How can this be possible? That means summer is over. Boo. It been a good summer in terms of, it been the best summer I ever had. I been to the Everybody Talking about Jamie Live Screening here in Sheffield. Where I had a lovely hug from Margaret and Jamie Campbell. Jamie's story is the inspiration of the west end hit.
I also went to my first Pride. It was amazing, I had so much fun with another Newbie fan and the Jamie gang. It was lovely to spend hours with Jamie, Margaret, Blake and Jonathan Butterell and having a ball. We just dance, got shocked, typical, and had loads of laughs with everybody.
Finally what I am looking forward the next couple of months. Well first off I looking forward to the colder months. It been too hot for me. I'm not made for the hotter weather. It has been nice but I want it when I go on hoildays not 24/7.
With the colour changing to reds, yellow, orange and browns, it like one of my favorite sessions. Autumn is just a beautiful session for me. It just fills me up with joy. I love the sounds of the leafs under my shoe's. It relaxing for me.
Also October 2nd I going to the Press night of Midsummer Night Dream at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield. Now this play I've been obsessed with since I was like 10/11 years old. I fall in love in love with it when we had to do it at my school, at my year 6 end of school play. Now the music been composed by none other then Dan Gillespie Sells. Who I was introduced to about the same age when an amateur theatre production company, preformed the feeling hit song, never been lonely in a production of Cinderella at my primary school theatre. So it like a win, win for me.
Anyway I been going on for a while now.
So goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
I know this is late but I can't believe that I been writing a blog for over a year. It was a shock when on my Facebook memories that it been a year since I started writing my blogs. Now it been a rocky journey, and been thinking of quitting on several occasions, due to stress, self esteem and not knowing what to write.
However I kept on writing and even though I still struggle. Like I struggled with my self-esteem, thinking my blogs are the worst and that I should give up, my stress level are high due to not knowing when I am moving. Then writers block. It wasn't till I started writing, to know what I going to talk about. I made notes before hand to keep me on track.
The highlight of writing the blogs are that when I have a bad day or a good day with my mental health. I have something to look forward. It something when I have a bad day it makes me get out and do something, or even research something to talk about.
It helped people understand who I am as a person and help me understand who I am. I know that journey is still ongoing, but due to this blog, it made me understand that I am brave, strong, caring, loyal and a fighter.
Enough of my blog. I can't believe that we near the end of August. How can this be possible? That means summer is over. Boo. It been a good summer in terms of, it been the best summer I ever had. I been to the Everybody Talking about Jamie Live Screening here in Sheffield. Where I had a lovely hug from Margaret and Jamie Campbell. Jamie's story is the inspiration of the west end hit.
I also went to my first Pride. It was amazing, I had so much fun with another Newbie fan and the Jamie gang. It was lovely to spend hours with Jamie, Margaret, Blake and Jonathan Butterell and having a ball. We just dance, got shocked, typical, and had loads of laughs with everybody.
Finally what I am looking forward the next couple of months. Well first off I looking forward to the colder months. It been too hot for me. I'm not made for the hotter weather. It has been nice but I want it when I go on hoildays not 24/7.
With the colour changing to reds, yellow, orange and browns, it like one of my favorite sessions. Autumn is just a beautiful session for me. It just fills me up with joy. I love the sounds of the leafs under my shoe's. It relaxing for me.
Also October 2nd I going to the Press night of Midsummer Night Dream at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield. Now this play I've been obsessed with since I was like 10/11 years old. I fall in love in love with it when we had to do it at my school, at my year 6 end of school play. Now the music been composed by none other then Dan Gillespie Sells. Who I was introduced to about the same age when an amateur theatre production company, preformed the feeling hit song, never been lonely in a production of Cinderella at my primary school theatre. So it like a win, win for me.
Anyway I been going on for a while now.
So goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Tuesday, 28 August 2018
Christopher Robin and wish list
Hi all. So today been a good day, went to the cinema and watched the Christopher Robin film, starring Ewan McGregor. Now I am not embressed to say I went alone.
The reason I say that is because I loved Winnie the Pooh when I was little. I just loved Winnie, Tigger, piglet, rabbit, Kanga, Roo and Eeyore. As well as Christopher Robin. That was my childhood.
On top of that I love Ewan McGregor from about 6 years old watching Moulin Rouge. I know it a 12, but my mum didn't want to hide things of the world to me. So I grown up watching that movie and falling in love with Ewan McGregor.
So to see Winnie and Ewan on the big screen. I just couldn't be happier.
Anyway these past couple of days I've been on Amazon and been sorting my Borthday/Christmas wish list. It pretty much done, but I will be always be adding onto it an changing it. But for now it is done and have a good selection of stuff on it. Like I won't mind anything that not on the list, if the person buying it thinks I will like it of course, or if there a meaning behind it.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
The reason I say that is because I loved Winnie the Pooh when I was little. I just loved Winnie, Tigger, piglet, rabbit, Kanga, Roo and Eeyore. As well as Christopher Robin. That was my childhood.
On top of that I love Ewan McGregor from about 6 years old watching Moulin Rouge. I know it a 12, but my mum didn't want to hide things of the world to me. So I grown up watching that movie and falling in love with Ewan McGregor.
So to see Winnie and Ewan on the big screen. I just couldn't be happier.
Anyway these past couple of days I've been on Amazon and been sorting my Borthday/Christmas wish list. It pretty much done, but I will be always be adding onto it an changing it. But for now it is done and have a good selection of stuff on it. Like I won't mind anything that not on the list, if the person buying it thinks I will like it of course, or if there a meaning behind it.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Monday, 27 August 2018
Hi
Yesterday I had fun, I went to church and was on the board cast team. It was a good service, being round my friends, and doing what I love.
Afterwards I went home and chilled and watched the new baywatch movie with Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron. Very cheesy, but I love cheesy movie.
Today been à really relaxed day, due to it being a bank hoildays. So I been sitting in my room doing nothing. So yeah it been pretty boring. I been listening to music , dancing and singing along. As it always cheers me up.
Anyway last night I thought of a dream that I can scarpbook. Visit New York. Now at the moment I know it not realistic, but in like 15/20 years maybe. There a reason, when I went to Groby community college, I was in the house New York, New York. When I started, the number one hit in the UK was Empire state of Mind. Second I always wanted to see a broad way show. The last reason, there a café in New York somewhere called Zanny's café and bi just want to visit it because we share the same name.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Afterwards I went home and chilled and watched the new baywatch movie with Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron. Very cheesy, but I love cheesy movie.
Today been à really relaxed day, due to it being a bank hoildays. So I been sitting in my room doing nothing. So yeah it been pretty boring. I been listening to music , dancing and singing along. As it always cheers me up.
Anyway last night I thought of a dream that I can scarpbook. Visit New York. Now at the moment I know it not realistic, but in like 15/20 years maybe. There a reason, when I went to Groby community college, I was in the house New York, New York. When I started, the number one hit in the UK was Empire state of Mind. Second I always wanted to see a broad way show. The last reason, there a café in New York somewhere called Zanny's café and bi just want to visit it because we share the same name.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Saturday, 25 August 2018
Scap book
So these past two days I mainly been sleeping. Only because I mainly been living off 4 or 5 hours sleep due to stress levels. So I been trying to forces on getting sleep due to me being at Church tomorrow, and I want to be refresh as I possible can, without the need of caffeine.
Today is the 2nd day of the 30 day track book. This is a tiny booklet, which was handed out at the goals course. One section which we told we were to do was the 30 day challenge. Well today is the second day.
On the second day we was meant to buy a scrapbook. I don't have the money for a scrapbook, but there coloured paper, scissors and ribbons around the building. Like it not me, it doesn't make me want to look at it. Yet it going to be filled with things to do with goals in life. What have I do. My goals is to give up on goals, that one of them. Like I don't have a printer, don't have access to a printer. They kept on saying newspaper and magazines. If I Santo read the news I read online. Pictures I can't print off.
So yeah that my day.
Zanny xx
Today is the 2nd day of the 30 day track book. This is a tiny booklet, which was handed out at the goals course. One section which we told we were to do was the 30 day challenge. Well today is the second day.
On the second day we was meant to buy a scrapbook. I don't have the money for a scrapbook, but there coloured paper, scissors and ribbons around the building. Like it not me, it doesn't make me want to look at it. Yet it going to be filled with things to do with goals in life. What have I do. My goals is to give up on goals, that one of them. Like I don't have a printer, don't have access to a printer. They kept on saying newspaper and magazines. If I Santo read the news I read online. Pictures I can't print off.
So yeah that my day.
Zanny xx
Thursday, 23 August 2018
Hi
So today was the last Goals Session, so a total of 18 hours sitting in one room over three days talking about self-esteem and setting goals and how to reach them.
For me at the moment I have such low esteem, I am scared of setting goals, to the point I can't set them due to believing that I can't achieve anything, and thinking I will get hurt.
They talk about ideal life. That we should visual what our ideal life is. Like what you ideal job, ideal house, ideal relationship, ideal financial situation. Things like that. I can't see anything, I don't know what I want to do. Load of people always saying I can't do that because I am dumb, or that I am unable to and that I will get hurt from disappointment.
I know I have to have something to strife for, but I know I will get hurt in so many ways, and I don't want to get hurt. As I been hurting my whole life. That if I get hurt one more time I won't be able to stand up again. That would be it with life for me. I am so broken on the inside it really scaring. I been, and still am going though things that nobody should go through. Yet I have, and I feel like nobody care for me.
They always say it's in the past, try and get consoling. Go on a walk, get a job. I wish it was that easy. Like what if I get consoling, walking there and back and have a full time job. Maybe instead of feeling better I get more sad, angry. What if the job is stressing me out, and that don't matter how much I work I have no social life.
I would love a job, but I feel like I going to aim to high and set myself for getting hurt. Due to this I getting me two crisis skylight Coach. One is like a progression couch they will help me see what steps I need to take to reach my goals and help me realise what my goals are in the first place and the second one is more the practical. How can we do these? They will follow me on the journey.
Anyway got to go
Zanny xx
For me at the moment I have such low esteem, I am scared of setting goals, to the point I can't set them due to believing that I can't achieve anything, and thinking I will get hurt.
They talk about ideal life. That we should visual what our ideal life is. Like what you ideal job, ideal house, ideal relationship, ideal financial situation. Things like that. I can't see anything, I don't know what I want to do. Load of people always saying I can't do that because I am dumb, or that I am unable to and that I will get hurt from disappointment.
I know I have to have something to strife for, but I know I will get hurt in so many ways, and I don't want to get hurt. As I been hurting my whole life. That if I get hurt one more time I won't be able to stand up again. That would be it with life for me. I am so broken on the inside it really scaring. I been, and still am going though things that nobody should go through. Yet I have, and I feel like nobody care for me.
They always say it's in the past, try and get consoling. Go on a walk, get a job. I wish it was that easy. Like what if I get consoling, walking there and back and have a full time job. Maybe instead of feeling better I get more sad, angry. What if the job is stressing me out, and that don't matter how much I work I have no social life.
I would love a job, but I feel like I going to aim to high and set myself for getting hurt. Due to this I getting me two crisis skylight Coach. One is like a progression couch they will help me see what steps I need to take to reach my goals and help me realise what my goals are in the first place and the second one is more the practical. How can we do these? They will follow me on the journey.
Anyway got to go
Zanny xx
Tuesday, 21 August 2018
Goals and Pies
So today was the first Goals course session. I didn't know what to expect, what it was about, or why it would benefit me. The only thing I was told, was that it over the next three days, the place and time, who it was run by and that it would be beneficial. So I thought I go open minded and see what it about.
So I went, and today we talked about, what is being successful in life, and what it can bring. This cover, love, high self-esteem, friendship, family to what media idea of success. This include, parties, popularity, premiere, nice cars, nice house, fashion. We was reminded that these would be nice, the self-esteem, friends and family are the most important.
Self-esteem was mentioned a lot today and talked about how you can do it. The course tutors said we know how to get but now what shopping us from achieving the self-esteem that we deserve. What stopping us from being successful. We didn't leave a white bit in sight we coved it. Most of it was like we can't afford it, don't know how, to like Dyslexia, to feeling like a failure, fat, feeling like other people who better then one self. All of which I did put.
They asked all of us say what the ideal job. I should say I wanted to work in film industry and not be scared to say it in the front of the group. I got laughed last time I said it in a group. I told staff when it was a brack that I wanted to work on film industry, but it hard because I am not a runner, and I don't have contact in the industry. They say just said you need qualification, I told I got a level 3 in Media Production.
Than after self-esteem was done we talked about responsibility, and that we are responsible for own action. Which is common sense really. They say it OK to ask for help along your journey to happiness, and towards you goals, just as long as they don't do all the work.
Today I made a pie from fresh for dinner, which was fun and interesting. I always been scared of making a pie. However the staff was doing a cook and eat session, I thought I might as well try. We did have a choice of Pizza, Pie or Lasagne. I picked pie, because I made Pizza from Fresh last wensday and we making Lasagne tomorrow so Pie was the only option.
Here the result.
I was super happy with the result.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
So I went, and today we talked about, what is being successful in life, and what it can bring. This cover, love, high self-esteem, friendship, family to what media idea of success. This include, parties, popularity, premiere, nice cars, nice house, fashion. We was reminded that these would be nice, the self-esteem, friends and family are the most important.
Self-esteem was mentioned a lot today and talked about how you can do it. The course tutors said we know how to get but now what shopping us from achieving the self-esteem that we deserve. What stopping us from being successful. We didn't leave a white bit in sight we coved it. Most of it was like we can't afford it, don't know how, to like Dyslexia, to feeling like a failure, fat, feeling like other people who better then one self. All of which I did put.
They asked all of us say what the ideal job. I should say I wanted to work in film industry and not be scared to say it in the front of the group. I got laughed last time I said it in a group. I told staff when it was a brack that I wanted to work on film industry, but it hard because I am not a runner, and I don't have contact in the industry. They say just said you need qualification, I told I got a level 3 in Media Production.
Than after self-esteem was done we talked about responsibility, and that we are responsible for own action. Which is common sense really. They say it OK to ask for help along your journey to happiness, and towards you goals, just as long as they don't do all the work.
Today I made a pie from fresh for dinner, which was fun and interesting. I always been scared of making a pie. However the staff was doing a cook and eat session, I thought I might as well try. We did have a choice of Pizza, Pie or Lasagne. I picked pie, because I made Pizza from Fresh last wensday and we making Lasagne tomorrow so Pie was the only option.
Here the result.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Monday, 20 August 2018
people
Hi everybody. So today I started writing a Birthday and Christmas wish list. I know !y birthday and Christmas isn't to December, I thought if I did my wish list soon even though it isn't finish, at least when it come closer to the time I don't have to think on the spot when people ask me what I want for it.
Around December I will be apart of Crisis skylight Christmas Concert. Now singers, Musicians, fans of musics, they still love some song suggestions, it doesn't have to be Christmas songs, it have to be inspirational, also songs that we can easily get backing tracks or music sheet let me know. Also if you play like piano (Somebody I know.) If you free we would love you to be apart, they won't be able to pay you money as it is a charity, but it be very grateful. It be looking to be around 13th December, I have to confirm but I think it is.
Tomorrow I start doing this course though Crisis skylight, it called Goals. Like it about finding out want you want in life and how to get there. Like I know I want to work in film industry, I know how to get there. It just problems at the moment. I think it about other things apart from jobs.
I want to say, just because somebody done something for you, doesn't mean I have to do it for you. I not going to text a random guy number who I NEVER MAT BEFORE just to tell him to ring them. Like come on I don't know this person. I'm not putting myself in danger cause of you. Also just because somebody doesn't mind calling somebody, something, doesn't mean I won't mind. I keep on telling my name what I like to be called and I want to be called that and only that.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Around December I will be apart of Crisis skylight Christmas Concert. Now singers, Musicians, fans of musics, they still love some song suggestions, it doesn't have to be Christmas songs, it have to be inspirational, also songs that we can easily get backing tracks or music sheet let me know. Also if you play like piano (Somebody I know.) If you free we would love you to be apart, they won't be able to pay you money as it is a charity, but it be very grateful. It be looking to be around 13th December, I have to confirm but I think it is.
Tomorrow I start doing this course though Crisis skylight, it called Goals. Like it about finding out want you want in life and how to get there. Like I know I want to work in film industry, I know how to get there. It just problems at the moment. I think it about other things apart from jobs.
I want to say, just because somebody done something for you, doesn't mean I have to do it for you. I not going to text a random guy number who I NEVER MAT BEFORE just to tell him to ring them. Like come on I don't know this person. I'm not putting myself in danger cause of you. Also just because somebody doesn't mind calling somebody, something, doesn't mean I won't mind. I keep on telling my name what I like to be called and I want to be called that and only that.
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Sunday, 19 August 2018
Power of writing
For most of the day o tried to thing to write about something to cheer me up. Like most of the time writing things day allow to express my feeling where the spoken word have failed me.
The past 2 weeks the power of writing though other means and singing have helped me more then police can mentally. As writing and singing help me to forget my trouble through art. I know I am not perfect, beautiful or smart, and I face the fact.
But I know I am strong, I am a fighter, I know I am knockout but I will stand up again. It just going to take son time till I will be able to stand on my own two feet on my own.
I can be strong and I will fight for what I believe in and that people doesn't matter what they look like, where they are from, how they talk, gender, sexual orientation, or skin colour, we all living on th planet and we should be able to share it. We all different and we need to face it.
People think cause the way I look, I'm stupid, that I am going to take longer to understand simplest of things. I was reading thick encyclopedia which was a hafty book when I was 9 or 10 years old. I knew Roman numeral from a young age, as well as a lot of Greek and roman Gods. It something I really enjoyed and still enjoy. But people forget that because of my face.
Anyway got to go
Goodnight
The past 2 weeks the power of writing though other means and singing have helped me more then police can mentally. As writing and singing help me to forget my trouble through art. I know I am not perfect, beautiful or smart, and I face the fact.
But I know I am strong, I am a fighter, I know I am knockout but I will stand up again. It just going to take son time till I will be able to stand on my own two feet on my own.
I can be strong and I will fight for what I believe in and that people doesn't matter what they look like, where they are from, how they talk, gender, sexual orientation, or skin colour, we all living on th planet and we should be able to share it. We all different and we need to face it.
People think cause the way I look, I'm stupid, that I am going to take longer to understand simplest of things. I was reading thick encyclopedia which was a hafty book when I was 9 or 10 years old. I knew Roman numeral from a young age, as well as a lot of Greek and roman Gods. It something I really enjoyed and still enjoy. But people forget that because of my face.
Anyway got to go
Goodnight
Saturday, 18 August 2018
Hi
I am totally dreading tomorrow and walking to Church tomorrow. As it's going to be 2 weeks tomorrow since what happened. To know the man is released, even if he under investigation, doesn't mean I am safe. What he done to me, it just not fair how people like him are allowed to walk around. He sexual harassed me.
Like I didn't feel insecure about myself as it. They are classing as sexual assault, and yet I feel like the police are not caring. I know they have to get evidence but there isn't much evidence apart from my word and the staff at the Hilton hotel health Club. If they will give their words when he followed me inside.
But the thing is doesn't matter how much evidence they get because they can't really collect and store how the crime affect me mentally. Like since the events I haven't seen any police. To see how I'm doing.
I am trying to go outside, but it doesn't help the amount of times I hate being outside. I feel like everybody judge me. Like I can't go one day without the fear of seeing his face. I know it highly unlikely that I will see him again, but the amount of times I seen people I know in town. There still a chance.
I am still fighting, to be myself, without jumping everybody touch me on my back or on the shoulder. I know it stupid, in the way I am thinking, he can't touch me, he can't come near me. I just can't control it and that what annoying me. That I have no life, like I am living in fear. But I don't want to.
I feel like I am facing this alone.
Anyway got to go
Zanny xx
Like I didn't feel insecure about myself as it. They are classing as sexual assault, and yet I feel like the police are not caring. I know they have to get evidence but there isn't much evidence apart from my word and the staff at the Hilton hotel health Club. If they will give their words when he followed me inside.
But the thing is doesn't matter how much evidence they get because they can't really collect and store how the crime affect me mentally. Like since the events I haven't seen any police. To see how I'm doing.
I am trying to go outside, but it doesn't help the amount of times I hate being outside. I feel like everybody judge me. Like I can't go one day without the fear of seeing his face. I know it highly unlikely that I will see him again, but the amount of times I seen people I know in town. There still a chance.
I am still fighting, to be myself, without jumping everybody touch me on my back or on the shoulder. I know it stupid, in the way I am thinking, he can't touch me, he can't come near me. I just can't control it and that what annoying me. That I have no life, like I am living in fear. But I don't want to.
I feel like I am facing this alone.
Anyway got to go
Zanny xx
Tuesday, 14 August 2018
Omgosh
Sorry for the long wait between this post and the last. Something happened on Sunday 5th while walking to Church at 8:30am. All I can say just because it is light and in the morning, walking down a main road doesn't mean your safe. You don't know who also walking around.
I hate that we live in 2018 and yet people can do what ever they want to just because they are a man. I know what happened to can happen to men as well but it doesn't happen as much. I won't go into detail what happened the most important people know. Like police, staff where I live at and couple of close friends and family know.
Know knowing that he been released under investigation. Makes!me worried as apart from friends looking out for me. I have no form of protection. I know it highly unlikely that I will see him again, and that he probably won't remember. The memory there for me. The fear still there. Not knowing if he pops round the corner any moment.
I know this isn't the most uplifting blog out there or any good but I just need to release my feeling. He made my feel like I am worthless, trash. That I am not meant for this planet. He made me feel so week and scared. I was shaken all day. I feel like I am going to be sick through shock. I just want this to end.
I hate that we live in 2018 and yet people can do what ever they want to just because they are a man. I know what happened to can happen to men as well but it doesn't happen as much. I won't go into detail what happened the most important people know. Like police, staff where I live at and couple of close friends and family know.
Know knowing that he been released under investigation. Makes!me worried as apart from friends looking out for me. I have no form of protection. I know it highly unlikely that I will see him again, and that he probably won't remember. The memory there for me. The fear still there. Not knowing if he pops round the corner any moment.
I know this isn't the most uplifting blog out there or any good but I just need to release my feeling. He made my feel like I am worthless, trash. That I am not meant for this planet. He made me feel so week and scared. I was shaken all day. I feel like I am going to be sick through shock. I just want this to end.
Saturday, 4 August 2018
Amazing day
Wow what a day had so much fun. Today was the day of the Newbie meet up. Which I stayed to 1:55pm as I was meeting couple of friends to go bowling. I wished I could stayed longer because it was great to see everybody.
Then me and 3 of my friends, Jess, Dom and Josh who I all know from Hope City Church went to Hollywood bowls where we spent about fours hours there. We played two games of bowling. I won the first game then came 2nd in the 2nd game. Had a meal, which I had a LA Burger. Which was lovely, then we had couple of goes in arcade games and couple of fun pictures in a photo booth.
Then we left Hollywood bowls at 6:20ish to go to a Charity event for the last hour. It a charity called Gambling for life, and this was set up for people that is feeling suicidal through the trouble with Gambling. It is sad that people get in that situation with gambling or any other addiction where they feel like the only way they can stop or get out of it is through ending their life. This is what this charity was for.
I got home about 8:45pm and I been out since 11:30am it was a fun filled day surrounded by amazing people who when I hang out with just make me laugh. I couldn't stop smiling all day. Thank all who made my day amazing.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Then me and 3 of my friends, Jess, Dom and Josh who I all know from Hope City Church went to Hollywood bowls where we spent about fours hours there. We played two games of bowling. I won the first game then came 2nd in the 2nd game. Had a meal, which I had a LA Burger. Which was lovely, then we had couple of goes in arcade games and couple of fun pictures in a photo booth.
Then we left Hollywood bowls at 6:20ish to go to a Charity event for the last hour. It a charity called Gambling for life, and this was set up for people that is feeling suicidal through the trouble with Gambling. It is sad that people get in that situation with gambling or any other addiction where they feel like the only way they can stop or get out of it is through ending their life. This is what this charity was for.
I got home about 8:45pm and I been out since 11:30am it was a fun filled day surrounded by amazing people who when I hang out with just make me laugh. I couldn't stop smiling all day. Thank all who made my day amazing.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
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