Just random talking

Hi everybody. I thought that today I won't be talking about social anxiety. As it such a big issue in today society that I need to be mentally ready to go public about it. As today people are so hard on people and there are people who will take it out on me for having social anxiety and Depression and I feel like I need to be in a stable mind frame, to be able to stand against them.

Now I was out with a friend this afternoon and we went to the crucible cafe. We had a lovely chat. Then we went to sit in the Peace garden to sit and people watch. We had fun, talking about how you can create characters based on people you watch. To how children are so brave, they are not scared to try new things and not scared to ask question.

Then we talked about weddings as there was a group of people who we believed just been to a wedding, all because they all love very lovely. Had amazing suites on, beautiful day dresses on.

 Now the last wedding I been to was my mum and step dad (David)  wedding about 6 years ago. Now it not like I been declining wedding invitation. I just haven't been invented to any. Now this isn't a plea to send me a invitation. It got me thinking, who are my closest friends. The ones who would love to see me at their wedding. Then again who I know will come to mine. (Nobody love me enough to even date me. So nobody would marry me.)

The answer is I am not close to anybody in a sense I would invite to wedding. Now here the reason, I don't think anybody would want to come. Also I feel like nobody want me at their big day.  I have friends, but I can't help but feel like nobody want to get close to me then I see you next Sunday at church sort of friends. So there not anybody I feel I have to have at my wedding cause I not close to, or feel like they really care for me.

Anyway goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

Longest post ever. (For me it is)

Hi everybody. Now I hope you are all well? I know it been a while since I posted a god soild post on here and I am really sorry about. There been a lot on my mind these past couple of month especially this month. It been hard for to to find connection with people this summer due to my social anxiety, but that for another post. Which I might talk about it more tomorrow, because I never really talked about my social anxiety just my depression. Anyway back to my blog.

I know this is late but I can't believe that I been writing a blog for over a year. It was a shock when on my Facebook memories that it been a year since I started writing my blogs. Now it been a rocky journey, and been thinking of quitting on several occasions, due to stress, self esteem and not knowing what to write.

However I kept on writing and even though I still struggle. Like I struggled with my self-esteem, thinking my blogs are the worst and that I should give up, my stress level are high due to not knowing when I am moving. Then writers block. It wasn't till I started writing, to know what I going to talk about. I made notes before hand to keep me on track.

The highlight of writing the blogs are that when I have a bad day or a good day with my mental health. I have something to look forward. It something when I have a bad day it makes me get out and do something, or even research something to talk about.

It helped people understand who I am as a person and help me understand who I am. I know that journey is still ongoing, but due to this blog, it made me understand that I am brave, strong, caring, loyal and a fighter.

Enough of my blog. I can't believe that we near the end of August. How can this be possible? That means summer is over. Boo. It been a good summer in terms of, it been the best summer I ever had. I been to the Everybody Talking about Jamie Live Screening here in Sheffield. Where I had a lovely hug from Margaret and Jamie Campbell. Jamie's story is the inspiration of the west end hit.

I also went to my first Pride. It was amazing, I had so much fun with another Newbie fan and the Jamie gang. It was lovely to spend hours with Jamie, Margaret, Blake and Jonathan Butterell and having a ball. We just dance, got shocked, typical, and had loads of laughs with everybody.

Finally what I am looking forward the next couple of months. Well first off I looking forward to the colder months. It been too hot for me. I'm not made for the hotter weather. It has been nice but I want it when I go on hoildays not 24/7.

 With the colour changing to reds, yellow, orange and browns, it like one of my favorite sessions. Autumn is just a beautiful session for me. It just fills me up with joy. I love the sounds of the leafs under my shoe's. It relaxing for me.

Also October 2nd I going to the Press night of Midsummer Night Dream at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield. Now this play I've been obsessed with since I was like 10/11 years old. I fall in love in love with it when we had to do it at my school, at my year 6 end of school play. Now the music been composed by none other then Dan Gillespie Sells. Who I was introduced to about the same age when an amateur theatre production company, preformed the feeling hit song, never been lonely in a production of Cinderella at my primary school theatre. So it like a win, win for me.

Anyway I been going on for a while now.

So goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Christopher Robin and wish list

Hi all. So today been a good day, went to the cinema and watched the Christopher Robin film, starring Ewan McGregor. Now I am not embressed to say I went alone.

The reason I say that is because I loved Winnie the Pooh when I was little. I just loved Winnie, Tigger, piglet, rabbit, Kanga, Roo and Eeyore. As well as Christopher Robin. That was my childhood.

On top of that I love Ewan McGregor from about 6 years old watching Moulin Rouge. I know it a 12, but my mum didn't want to hide things of the world to me. So I grown up watching that movie and falling in love with Ewan McGregor.

So to see Winnie and Ewan on the big screen. I just couldn't be happier.

Anyway these past couple of days I've been on Amazon and been sorting my Borthday/Christmas wish list. It pretty much done, but I will be always be adding onto it an changing it. But for now it is done and have a good selection of stuff on it. Like I won't mind anything that not on the list, if the person buying it thinks I will like it of course, or if there a meaning behind it.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Yesterday I had fun, I went to church and was on the board cast team. It was a good service, being round my friends, and doing what I love.

Afterwards I went home and chilled and watched the new baywatch movie with Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron. Very cheesy, but I love cheesy movie.

Today been à really relaxed day, due to it being a bank hoildays. So I been sitting in my room doing nothing. So yeah it been pretty boring. I been listening to music , dancing and singing along. As it always cheers me up.

Anyway last night I thought of a dream that I can scarpbook. Visit New York. Now at the moment I know it not realistic, but in like 15/20 years maybe. There a reason, when I went to Groby community college, I was in the house New York, New York. When I started, the number one hit in the UK was Empire state of Mind. Second I always wanted to see a broad way show. The last reason, there a café in New York somewhere called Zanny's café and bi just want to visit it because we share the same name.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Scap book

So these past two days I mainly been sleeping. Only because I mainly been living off 4 or 5 hours sleep due to stress levels. So I been trying to forces on getting sleep due to me being at Church tomorrow, and I want to be refresh as I possible can, without the need of caffeine.

Today is the 2nd day of the 30 day track book. This is a tiny booklet, which was handed out at the goals course. One section which we told we were to do was the 30 day challenge. Well today is the second day.

On the second day we was meant to buy a scrapbook. I don't have the money for a scrapbook, but there coloured paper, scissors and ribbons around the building. Like it not me, it doesn't make me want to look at it. Yet it going to be filled with things to do with goals in life. What have I do. My goals is to give up on goals, that one of them. Like I don't have a printer, don't have access to a printer. They kept on saying newspaper and magazines. If I Santo read the news I read online. Pictures I can't print off.

So yeah that my day.

Zanny xx

Hi

So today was the last Goals Session, so a total of 18 hours sitting in one room over three days talking about self-esteem and setting goals and how to reach them.

For me at the moment I have such low esteem, I am scared of setting goals, to the point I can't set them due to believing that I can't achieve anything, and thinking I will get hurt.

They talk about ideal life. That we should visual what our ideal life is. Like what you ideal job, ideal house, ideal relationship, ideal financial situation. Things like that. I can't see anything, I don't know what I want to do. Load of people always saying I can't do that because I am dumb, or that I am unable to and that I will get hurt from disappointment.

I know I have to have something to strife for, but I know I will get hurt in so many ways, and I don't want to get hurt. As I been hurting my whole life. That if I get hurt one more time I won't be able to stand up again. That would be it with life for me. I am so broken on the inside it really scaring. I been, and still am going though things that nobody should go through. Yet I have, and I feel like nobody care for me.

They always say it's in the past, try and get consoling. Go on a walk, get a job. I wish it was that easy. Like what if I get consoling, walking there and back and have a full time job. Maybe instead of feeling better I get more sad, angry. What if the job is stressing me out, and that don't matter how much I work I have no social life.

I would love a job, but I feel like I going to aim to high and set myself for getting hurt. Due to this I getting me two crisis skylight Coach. One is like a progression couch they will help me see what steps I need to take to reach my goals and help me realise what my goals are in the first place and the second one is more the practical. How can we do these? They will follow me on the journey.

Anyway got to go

Zanny xx

Goals and Pies

So today was the first Goals course session. I didn't know what to expect, what it was about, or why it would benefit me. The only thing I was told, was that it over the next three days, the place and time, who it was run by and that it would be beneficial. So I thought I go open minded and see what it about.

So I went, and today we talked about, what is being successful in life, and what it can bring. This cover, love, high self-esteem, friendship, family to what media idea of success. This include, parties, popularity, premiere, nice cars, nice house, fashion. We was reminded that these would be nice, the self-esteem, friends and family are the most important.

Self-esteem was mentioned a lot today and talked about how you can do it. The course tutors said we know how to get but now what shopping us from achieving the self-esteem that we deserve. What stopping us from being successful. We didn't leave a white bit in sight we coved it. Most of it was like we can't afford it, don't know how, to like Dyslexia, to feeling like a failure, fat, feeling like other people who better then one self. All of which I did put.

They asked all of us say what the ideal job. I should say I wanted to work in film industry and not be scared to say it in the front of the group. I got laughed last time I said it in a group. I told staff when it was a brack that I wanted to work on film industry, but it hard because I am not a runner, and I don't have contact in the industry. They say just said you need qualification, I told I got a level 3 in Media Production.

Than after self-esteem was done we talked about responsibility, and that we are responsible for own action. Which is common sense really. They say it OK to ask for help along your journey to happiness, and towards you goals, just as long as they don't do all the work.

Today I made a pie from fresh for dinner, which was fun and interesting. I always been scared of making a pie. However the staff was doing a cook and eat session, I thought I might as well try. We did have a choice of Pizza, Pie or Lasagne. I picked pie, because I made Pizza from Fresh last wensday and we making Lasagne tomorrow so Pie was the only option.

Here the result.

I was super happy with the result.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx