Well it still snowing, and I even had to walk through what seam like three inches of snow for would should be twenty minutes in good weather, so picture how long of took when snow was entering my trainers.
The thing was I didn't have any food in my cardboards, and I don't drive. So walking was my only option. So at least I have enough food to next week.
I made arrangement to meet my friend on Friday for coffee, which I am looking forward to but also really nervous about as I have feeling for, and have had them for about a year.
Oh my I can't believe that I putting them in a blog. I think I'm nervous about I never been on a date, never been in a relationship with anybody. Well even though I mainly asked if he want to go for coffee and hang out.
🙈🙈 I honestly can't believe I'm doing this. Wish me luck guys I need all the luck possible.
When I unpacked my food shopping I watched four episode of friends. So right now I'm a mess because Ross and Rachel split up but they so right for each other. They are amazing together.
Listening to Lovebug- Jonas Brothers
Wednesday, 28 February 2018
Tuesday, 27 February 2018
Beast from the East
It freezing, it cold. It snowing. They shouldn't call it Beast from the East as the snow is falling from all direction. I need to do food shopping as well as I have no food in until I do the shopping.
Well today I started a new piece in stained glass art today and it is a frame frame for a mirror, but the pieces I used are offcuts. However ten minutes into it. As I was breaking a bit of stained glass (the way I was taught.) I somehow cut my middle left finger, and how it bled. It been clean a couple of time. Once it stopped bleeding. I looked at it, it looks pretty bad, sore and all my knuckle is purple and slightly tender. However I can bend it without being in too much pain.
When I got home, I chilled out, and talked to a friend for a bit, before having a session with my key worker. She said if we can't find me anywhere then I have to go full independent living, and with ESA as my only income and in my mental state, I can't, it not an option.
So that on my mind about living situation. Like I want to be where all my friends are and near church as I don't drive. Plus I need to keep social as it good for my mental health, so if I don't get semi independent then I fear I go down hill again, and having to live in somewhere like where I am now and I don't want that.
Currently listening to- I like Enrique and Pitbull
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Well today I started a new piece in stained glass art today and it is a frame frame for a mirror, but the pieces I used are offcuts. However ten minutes into it. As I was breaking a bit of stained glass (the way I was taught.) I somehow cut my middle left finger, and how it bled. It been clean a couple of time. Once it stopped bleeding. I looked at it, it looks pretty bad, sore and all my knuckle is purple and slightly tender. However I can bend it without being in too much pain.
When I got home, I chilled out, and talked to a friend for a bit, before having a session with my key worker. She said if we can't find me anywhere then I have to go full independent living, and with ESA as my only income and in my mental state, I can't, it not an option.
So that on my mind about living situation. Like I want to be where all my friends are and near church as I don't drive. Plus I need to keep social as it good for my mental health, so if I don't get semi independent then I fear I go down hill again, and having to live in somewhere like where I am now and I don't want that.
Currently listening to- I like Enrique and Pitbull
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Monday, 26 February 2018
In my heart.
In my heart
A dream is forming.
Of falling in love,
Dancing until the sunrise.
Dancing with the man
Who'll hold me tight.
My timid heart is scared.
Scared nobody will
Take my hand
Guide me under
The moonlight.
Then again
I can boogie
Boogie if I want to.
Until my feet bleed.
If a man want me
Then he got to
Boogie some more.
A man who
Make me laugh
Sing with joy.
A man who I can't stop
Thinking about.
A dream is forming.
Of falling in love,
Dancing until the sunrise.
Dancing with the man
Who'll hold me tight.
My timid heart is scared.
Scared nobody will
Take my hand
Guide me under
The moonlight.
Then again
I can boogie
Boogie if I want to.
Until my feet bleed.
If a man want me
Then he got to
Boogie some more.
A man who
Make me laugh
Sing with joy.
A man who I can't stop
Thinking about.
Sunday, 25 February 2018
Congrets
I would first like to say congratulations to Lucie Shorthouse and John McCrea winning the best supporting Actress and Best Actor for Everybody Talking about Jamie. To top it off well done for the Jamie family. You guys are truly epic, and truly deserve it. There are very few chances somebody can say how much you guys mean to them, and mean it more then just as a fan level.
You guys have shown me such kindness. Reminding me how important I am. You welcomed with an open arm to the Jamie family. So when I read the news I celebrated like I was right there celebrating with you.
Anyway I had a pretty chilled day. For the morning I chilled out. Then I set off at 10 to 2 to go to Church as I was at broadcast team and it was nice to see everybody. Most of them was tired from going to She is Conference. I would of gone but it cost £45 for 24 hours. Which if I was get to be paid every week that would of mean I would had £19.6 to buy food for the week and then anything that pops up during the week.
Anyway if I could go my key worker made me go to a key work session. I was told that it was with one person but of was never with that person. I am certain I feel like here think that it OK to change who it was going to do it with, and not going to tell me about it.
Anyway, church. My friends are lovely. Great huggers. Today I had a hug from Esther, James Thorn, Smart, Neo, Amber and Sorcha Rooney.
There more friends who I seen, but at church there to many names to write on one post.
Anyway got to go bed. Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
You guys have shown me such kindness. Reminding me how important I am. You welcomed with an open arm to the Jamie family. So when I read the news I celebrated like I was right there celebrating with you.
Anyway I had a pretty chilled day. For the morning I chilled out. Then I set off at 10 to 2 to go to Church as I was at broadcast team and it was nice to see everybody. Most of them was tired from going to She is Conference. I would of gone but it cost £45 for 24 hours. Which if I was get to be paid every week that would of mean I would had £19.6 to buy food for the week and then anything that pops up during the week.
Anyway if I could go my key worker made me go to a key work session. I was told that it was with one person but of was never with that person. I am certain I feel like here think that it OK to change who it was going to do it with, and not going to tell me about it.
Anyway, church. My friends are lovely. Great huggers. Today I had a hug from Esther, James Thorn, Smart, Neo, Amber and Sorcha Rooney.
There more friends who I seen, but at church there to many names to write on one post.
Anyway got to go bed. Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
Friday, 23 February 2018
Today I wanted to do more damage then burning my wrist. Why can't I just not think of these things, because after I self harm. I always feel stupid.
The antidepressants tablets don't help. They just make me want to sleep. I just need to think of things to keep my mind busy, away from the thoughts of self harming and suicide.
It always the same thoughts. Which are that I am ugly, stupid and unloved and I'm better off dead.
With the better of dead I thought today maybe I'm right that I am, nobody will noticed that I am. Then the fear not guilt and stupidity in my head, so it been a on going battle with death, guilt and stupidity running in my head.
I just need to get out of it.
Anyway I wish you all a goodnight.
Love you
Zanny xx
The antidepressants tablets don't help. They just make me want to sleep. I just need to think of things to keep my mind busy, away from the thoughts of self harming and suicide.
It always the same thoughts. Which are that I am ugly, stupid and unloved and I'm better off dead.
With the better of dead I thought today maybe I'm right that I am, nobody will noticed that I am. Then the fear not guilt and stupidity in my head, so it been a on going battle with death, guilt and stupidity running in my head.
I just need to get out of it.
Anyway I wish you all a goodnight.
Love you
Zanny xx
Thursday, 22 February 2018
Well it could of gone better
Well today I woke up really depressed didn't want to do much, but I got dressed had breakfast, had a cup of tea, brushed my teeth and done my hair. As I thought that if I go to singing for fun and get out of the house.
Now keep in mind that where singing for fun is, it take me in total over an hour sometimes an hour and a half to walk it. Now before you ask I would of caught the bus, but with how much bus fares are and how much I travel I can't really afford it.
When I arrived I chilled outside for a bit, it was cold, my only jumper was still drying so i had to deal with it,and when I left home it wasn't cold. So I thought I didn't need my hat, scarf and gloves. So I just basically had two twin layers on. I was basically sitting in the cold for about 45 minutes. I didn't have time to do anything else. So I was getting annoyed, mainly because I was cold.
When somebody arrived to singing for fun. We waited to see if anybody person who comes, who know damn well that singing for fun starts at 1pm but is always late. So first we thought nothing new. Then we was was getting really cold. Then after like 20 minutes they canceled the session because only I showed up. Like it takes me over an hour to walk home. They know this. They know that he don't answer the text and he is always late. The other guy was ill.
So by the time I walked home. I was cold, tired and very annoyed and super depressed. As I needed something to lift my spirit up but then it ended up making it ten times worse. Like I try and stay positive, and keep on reminding myself that I am important. When things like this happens to you when I really don't need it to doesn't help.
So I tried to cheer myself up and hopped to the lounge area and for myself from the DVD shelf. FRIENDS session 3. I watched the first four episodes of it. Still feel super depressed, but not annoyed.
Anyway rent over.
Goodnight everybody.
Love you.
Zanny.
Now keep in mind that where singing for fun is, it take me in total over an hour sometimes an hour and a half to walk it. Now before you ask I would of caught the bus, but with how much bus fares are and how much I travel I can't really afford it.
When I arrived I chilled outside for a bit, it was cold, my only jumper was still drying so i had to deal with it,and when I left home it wasn't cold. So I thought I didn't need my hat, scarf and gloves. So I just basically had two twin layers on. I was basically sitting in the cold for about 45 minutes. I didn't have time to do anything else. So I was getting annoyed, mainly because I was cold.
When somebody arrived to singing for fun. We waited to see if anybody person who comes, who know damn well that singing for fun starts at 1pm but is always late. So first we thought nothing new. Then we was was getting really cold. Then after like 20 minutes they canceled the session because only I showed up. Like it takes me over an hour to walk home. They know this. They know that he don't answer the text and he is always late. The other guy was ill.
So by the time I walked home. I was cold, tired and very annoyed and super depressed. As I needed something to lift my spirit up but then it ended up making it ten times worse. Like I try and stay positive, and keep on reminding myself that I am important. When things like this happens to you when I really don't need it to doesn't help.
So I tried to cheer myself up and hopped to the lounge area and for myself from the DVD shelf. FRIENDS session 3. I watched the first four episodes of it. Still feel super depressed, but not annoyed.
Anyway rent over.
Goodnight everybody.
Love you.
Zanny.
Wednesday, 21 February 2018
Love
Love
Dreams
Friends.
My friends,
I love
To share
My dreams.
They support me with every step
I take.
They are my wings when mine are broken.
My friends make the village within
My heart.
We build each other,
Doesn't matter the distance.
Just like a tree
We are all connected
To make each other grow
The branches
The leafs.
We all feed the roots
In what we need
To grow.
Hi, I don't know what you going through today, but I want to say there are people out there who care about you. It's still hard for me to accept that I have people out there who I know would do anything for, and I would do anything for them.
As I never really have many friends growing up so I didn't have the sense of belonging. I thought apart from family anybody loving me for me was odd. I couldn't get myself to open myself up to make friends and feel love for people, like love of a friend, love of a family, as I've found it hard growing up.
I still do. There be times when somebody who will say they love or care for me. I will be like who me. I'm just me, just plan Zanny, there nothing special for you to Love or care for.
Currently listening Born this way by Lady GaGa
Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
Dreams
Friends.
My friends,
I love
To share
My dreams.
They support me with every step
I take.
They are my wings when mine are broken.
My friends make the village within
My heart.
We build each other,
Doesn't matter the distance.
Just like a tree
We are all connected
To make each other grow
The branches
The leafs.
We all feed the roots
In what we need
To grow.
Hi, I don't know what you going through today, but I want to say there are people out there who care about you. It's still hard for me to accept that I have people out there who I know would do anything for, and I would do anything for them.
As I never really have many friends growing up so I didn't have the sense of belonging. I thought apart from family anybody loving me for me was odd. I couldn't get myself to open myself up to make friends and feel love for people, like love of a friend, love of a family, as I've found it hard growing up.
I still do. There be times when somebody who will say they love or care for me. I will be like who me. I'm just me, just plan Zanny, there nothing special for you to Love or care for.
Currently listening Born this way by Lady GaGa
Goodnight everybody.
Love you
Zanny xx
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