I really need to stop listening to love song, song about falling in love, being in love, falling out of love or being in love with someone who doesn't love you back.
Even though I am one of the four at the moment. I am coming to the point in my life where I need to accept that I will end up dying alone and need to accept that will be OK if I do.
Like if a man come into my life great, but I need to stop looking for love, because at this will be single for my whole life, like I know I will be letting two of my dreams go of getting married and starting a family.
The reason I am saying this is because I see people falling in love. Getting engaged and starting a life together. It hits me that their children are more likely to get married before I do. To be honest who would want a life with me. I know I wouldn't choice me.
It took a couple of days of crying at night to understand that nobody would want me. I know it is harsh, but isn't it better to face the truth that I going to die without the knowledge off being in a relationship, the knowledge off raising a family. Then to face it when I am old and alone.
So before you all talk I am doing myself a favor, but I am not saying that I won't keep my heart open for the chance of love, but I not pinning high hopes of finding the men where I can spend the rest of my life with.
Anyway got to go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Friday, 21 September 2018
Thursday, 20 September 2018
Queen's award to Shiloh party preparation
Oh my. What am I going to do? I can't believe that am doing what I agreed to do. On the 4th October, I am going to Rotherham, to a celebration for the charity Shiloh. As they have been awarded the Queen's Award for Volunteer service. At this event me and a few other are going to preform a short monologue in which we have written ourselves.
The Monologue have to do with our experience of being homeless/vulnerable. I was only asked to do this today, so I have to write, learn and then preform in a space of two weeks. Like I know I can write something and preform it, if I had it in front of me. However to learn it, because it best to not to do it without prompts.
Like of course I am looking forward to do this, however I never preformed a monologue, in front of people. I always sang in a group. I always had other people with people, but to stand in front of people and preform on my own.
I know it be an amazing experience, I just worried that I am going to forget my lines are ramble my lines because I won't have people helping me.
I know deep down I can do it. I have a few people there to support me. I know there will be people cheering me on. Just wish me luck as this will be my first real job. (Getting paid with food and travel.)
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Zanny xx
The Monologue have to do with our experience of being homeless/vulnerable. I was only asked to do this today, so I have to write, learn and then preform in a space of two weeks. Like I know I can write something and preform it, if I had it in front of me. However to learn it, because it best to not to do it without prompts.
Like of course I am looking forward to do this, however I never preformed a monologue, in front of people. I always sang in a group. I always had other people with people, but to stand in front of people and preform on my own.
I know it be an amazing experience, I just worried that I am going to forget my lines are ramble my lines because I won't have people helping me.
I know deep down I can do it. I have a few people there to support me. I know there will be people cheering me on. Just wish me luck as this will be my first real job. (Getting paid with food and travel.)
Anyway got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Zanny xx
Tuesday, 18 September 2018
Took their time
First off, i thought I should be sharing good news. I should be moving to my new place by Halloween. The place is ready for me to move into next Monday, but because there is some paper work in which my key worker and I have to do, plus packing. It going to take at least two weeks to send paper work off and hear back from people, then they have to give time to get things packed, and sorted, then sign off their service it going to take at least a month to sort everything out.
So after what seams like forever I finally moving out of the YWCA hostel. I should of moved out last month, but complication stopped it from happening. I am glade because I can experience a new start in a new area, plus I can make the new place a home, as I don't have to move out within a year.
As you guys know I've started to write a book. Well I invest in four books for inspiration when I am running out of ideas. For style, how they created tension try and see how they keep their reader hooked. The plus for me is that all the authors are female, and they are not huge names like Suzanne Collins and J.K Rowling.
I am not saying that this authors are not amazing, it more that they don't have much of a fan group, hense their work don't get so worked up. So when coming to read their work I don't know what to expect so it be my honest opinion and that I won't get disappointed.
This is one of reason I will never read anything by James Patterson book. The reason why because he such a big name, and written so many books that it feels like where do you start and even when I tried to read one of his books I was bored. His writing style for me is pretty boring.
So the books I got are
So after what seams like forever I finally moving out of the YWCA hostel. I should of moved out last month, but complication stopped it from happening. I am glade because I can experience a new start in a new area, plus I can make the new place a home, as I don't have to move out within a year.
As you guys know I've started to write a book. Well I invest in four books for inspiration when I am running out of ideas. For style, how they created tension try and see how they keep their reader hooked. The plus for me is that all the authors are female, and they are not huge names like Suzanne Collins and J.K Rowling.
I am not saying that this authors are not amazing, it more that they don't have much of a fan group, hense their work don't get so worked up. So when coming to read their work I don't know what to expect so it be my honest opinion and that I won't get disappointed.
This is one of reason I will never read anything by James Patterson book. The reason why because he such a big name, and written so many books that it feels like where do you start and even when I tried to read one of his books I was bored. His writing style for me is pretty boring.
So the books I got are
- Wicked lovely by Melissa Marr
- The Cruel Prince by Holly Black
- Grace and Fury by Tracy Banghart
- A promise of Fire by Amanda Bouchet.
That what I got. I honestly can't wait to check them out.
Anyway got to go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Sunday, 16 September 2018
Hi
I didn't expect to be back typing my blog. People was right I do love it. I know that this is the only place where I can be myself without people judging who I am. Somewhere where I could express my feeling with the on going feet that I am being judge from someone.
Today I went to the morning service of church. I walked there, which is a huge step for me, as it the first time I walked to Church at the same time when I was getting sexual assaulted last month. I was really scared, I felt like passing out a couple of times. A couple of times people approach me from behind and scared me. I know they meant it as friendly gesture. I just was just more jumpy.
The thing I can't get counseling due to it make go to court and they want a true account of how it affected my life. Surly needed to go to counseling prove that my life is unstable and need some help getting my life on track.
The Sheffield sexual assault and rape center said that I am on their waiting list but it take up to six weeks to here something. Hopefully I hear something within the next two or three then.
I been watching a couple of things on Netflixs as well. Like Shadow hunters, and the old series of Call the Midwife's witch I love.
Update on book I am writing, I have written 1257 words. Within the past two days which is more then I thought I would of wrote in space of two days and I still write more. There 5 characters so far that we was introduced to. I need to introduced the bad person but it still early days.
Anyway goodnight
Love you
Zanny
Today I went to the morning service of church. I walked there, which is a huge step for me, as it the first time I walked to Church at the same time when I was getting sexual assaulted last month. I was really scared, I felt like passing out a couple of times. A couple of times people approach me from behind and scared me. I know they meant it as friendly gesture. I just was just more jumpy.
The thing I can't get counseling due to it make go to court and they want a true account of how it affected my life. Surly needed to go to counseling prove that my life is unstable and need some help getting my life on track.
The Sheffield sexual assault and rape center said that I am on their waiting list but it take up to six weeks to here something. Hopefully I hear something within the next two or three then.
I been watching a couple of things on Netflixs as well. Like Shadow hunters, and the old series of Call the Midwife's witch I love.
Update on book I am writing, I have written 1257 words. Within the past two days which is more then I thought I would of wrote in space of two days and I still write more. There 5 characters so far that we was introduced to. I need to introduced the bad person but it still early days.
Anyway goodnight
Love you
Zanny
Saturday, 15 September 2018
Update
I thought I will let everybody know how I am doing. I'm doing ok. I been treating myself of lately.. I been super stress of late, because I been told ten different things about housing situation.
The couple of weeks I brought myself couple new outfits, a F.R.I.E.N.D.S throw which I love, and a night out to the theatre to see Still Alice which was amazing. Made me emotional. It about a women in her 50's who have a great life. Loving family, great job. But she now got young onset Demeter. It a story about Alice and her family handles it. Seeing herself, his wife, their mum struggling to be herself.
I got myself a laptop, because I trying to write a book. I going to try and write at least 250+ words a day. I want to try and get something started, and try and finish something. Something that I am proud of, something that I want to considered publishing in the future.
I got my tickets down to London in December, as I am going down there for a couple of days for my birthday, and I wanted to do something I can remember of a great birthday. A birthday where I wasn't alone, or it was ruined. Something to finally say I had a great birthday. Instead of saying it alright when it wasn't.
Anyway got go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
The couple of weeks I brought myself couple new outfits, a F.R.I.E.N.D.S throw which I love, and a night out to the theatre to see Still Alice which was amazing. Made me emotional. It about a women in her 50's who have a great life. Loving family, great job. But she now got young onset Demeter. It a story about Alice and her family handles it. Seeing herself, his wife, their mum struggling to be herself.
I got myself a laptop, because I trying to write a book. I going to try and write at least 250+ words a day. I want to try and get something started, and try and finish something. Something that I am proud of, something that I want to considered publishing in the future.
I got my tickets down to London in December, as I am going down there for a couple of days for my birthday, and I wanted to do something I can remember of a great birthday. A birthday where I wasn't alone, or it was ruined. Something to finally say I had a great birthday. Instead of saying it alright when it wasn't.
Anyway got go
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Tuesday, 4 September 2018
Thoughts
Happy Tuesday day everybody. I honestly I don't know why I keep on writing. There not much to write about. I'm alive and I am well. Well physically anyway, mentally is doesn't matter anymore, because I realize the only people in the care about my mental health is myself.
I honestly thought people care. Yes people care, bit when it comes to my mental health. They act like they don't know who I am. Like I am invisible, unimportant.
I need to stop trying to make friends, as nobody want to be love this thing that writing the blog. I don't know why I am trying to explain why I am reading I doubt anybody truly read this.
Why people always lie and say I can write? That I am amazing? Why can't they tell the truth anymore? Saying that I can achieve amazing things.
If you do get this far, you all probably thinking why I am saying all this, and that I am wrong. People always say these things. I am 22 years old and I have no plans, no future, no life worth living. I live in a city where I don't know who my friends are. Like true friends are, and not ones that they are my friend because I go to the same church as them, or do the same activity as them.
I can't say one name where I know if I ring them up they will answer. No friend who will nip round for a coffee, no friend who want to go for a random cinema trip. Nobody who randomly send me a text because they want to send me a random joke. I am alone.
Zanny
I honestly thought people care. Yes people care, bit when it comes to my mental health. They act like they don't know who I am. Like I am invisible, unimportant.
I need to stop trying to make friends, as nobody want to be love this thing that writing the blog. I don't know why I am trying to explain why I am reading I doubt anybody truly read this.
Why people always lie and say I can write? That I am amazing? Why can't they tell the truth anymore? Saying that I can achieve amazing things.
If you do get this far, you all probably thinking why I am saying all this, and that I am wrong. People always say these things. I am 22 years old and I have no plans, no future, no life worth living. I live in a city where I don't know who my friends are. Like true friends are, and not ones that they are my friend because I go to the same church as them, or do the same activity as them.
I can't say one name where I know if I ring them up they will answer. No friend who will nip round for a coffee, no friend who want to go for a random cinema trip. Nobody who randomly send me a text because they want to send me a random joke. I am alone.
Zanny
Monday, 3 September 2018
What to talk about?
It feel nice to feel so nice to be posting at a more steady pass now. I know for a couple of months my posting balance have been all over the place. I been struggling, and i am sorry. Thank you to all who stuck by me these past couple of months.
Yesterday marked a month since I was sexually abused. There been no updates on the situation. Each day I am scared, like even right now I am crying through the pain because I am scared to go outside. I want to be able to go pass the drive without wanting to turn back.
Anyway in a couple of weeks Crisis skylight session will be up and running. So back to session, and now I am taking a back seat at Painted fabrics and going to help back stage for personal reason. I will be able to go back to doing Stained glass Art.
I missed doing stained glass. I loved seeing something grow and being able to complete something. Even though I haven't hung anything up. I want to make something that I can proudly put up on the wall of my new place. When ever that going to be. So I really start thinking of design I can do.
I though as I haven't answered questions for a while I might answer a few.
Yesterday marked a month since I was sexually abused. There been no updates on the situation. Each day I am scared, like even right now I am crying through the pain because I am scared to go outside. I want to be able to go pass the drive without wanting to turn back.
Anyway in a couple of weeks Crisis skylight session will be up and running. So back to session, and now I am taking a back seat at Painted fabrics and going to help back stage for personal reason. I will be able to go back to doing Stained glass Art.
I missed doing stained glass. I loved seeing something grow and being able to complete something. Even though I haven't hung anything up. I want to make something that I can proudly put up on the wall of my new place. When ever that going to be. So I really start thinking of design I can do.
I though as I haven't answered questions for a while I might answer a few.
- Would you enjoy a vacation away from your technology? Yes. I would love a hoildays from my technology. I would love to go to a African country for a month. I might want to visit one I haven't been and I will make plans before I go of what I'm doing. Take a couple of books before bed, a camera, a notepad and a couple of friends. I probably will go somewhere like the Republic of Côte d'lvoire. It is also known as the Ivory Coast.
- If you lived in a tribal society what role would you play? I would be the tribe crazy lady. Joking. But it would make sense.
- What skill or craft would you like to master? Singing, acting, script writing and stained glass art.
- What subculture you wish to know more about? Punk, Neo-Victorian, cosplay to name a few.
- Who or what inspire you to become a better person?
- Tom MacRae and Dannie Pye. They supported me writing every single day. They are amazing people who are have been more helpful then they dare to believe. They inspire me because they are so lovely, Tom is an amazing writer and Dannie is an amazing Actor. They both have a heart of gold. I truly don't deserve them in my life.
- Jess Smith- Jess is so funny, she can have fun and yet she is really hard working and willing to help her friends out. She make sure she have at least 5 minutes for her friends.
- Margaret Campbell. She a strong independent women who just golden. Love her so much. She single handed raised a growing boy by herself and she did everything she can to see him happy.
Anyway I got to go.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
Sunday, 2 September 2018
This little butterfly
I'm screaming
For the help
Yet no one is there
No one there to hear.
The knife in which is left
Is cutting deeper
Day by day
No wound to see
But pools of blood surrounds me.
Drowning me with every breath.
Not a hand in sight to pull m out.
Where has the light gone.
Everything I see is now black.
Not a speck of white in sight.
Not an Angle around to protect
This little butterfly
In the midst of the night.
No unicorns
In the deepest of woods.
This little butterfly
Is stuck in the midst
Of a fire
With no way out.
_________________________________________
It been a while since I wrote a poem I know, but I thought why not just start typing and seeing where it goes. I missed writing Poems but I just didn't have any muse for them. There was a couple of days I missed posting due to not having anything interesting to write about, and had no muse for poems.
Poems won't be posted often or on a certain date. I just having a hard time being creative at the moment but I am setting tesk to get it back. You will hopefully see soon what I mean.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
For the help
Yet no one is there
No one there to hear.
The knife in which is left
Is cutting deeper
Day by day
No wound to see
But pools of blood surrounds me.
Drowning me with every breath.
Not a hand in sight to pull m out.
Where has the light gone.
Everything I see is now black.
Not a speck of white in sight.
Not an Angle around to protect
This little butterfly
In the midst of the night.
No unicorns
In the deepest of woods.
This little butterfly
Is stuck in the midst
Of a fire
With no way out.
_________________________________________
It been a while since I wrote a poem I know, but I thought why not just start typing and seeing where it goes. I missed writing Poems but I just didn't have any muse for them. There was a couple of days I missed posting due to not having anything interesting to write about, and had no muse for poems.
Poems won't be posted often or on a certain date. I just having a hard time being creative at the moment but I am setting tesk to get it back. You will hopefully see soon what I mean.
Goodnight everybody
Love you
Zanny xx
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