Hi

So today was the last Goals Session, so a total of 18 hours sitting in one room over three days talking about self-esteem and setting goals and how to reach them.

For me at the moment I have such low esteem, I am scared of setting goals, to the point I can't set them due to believing that I can't achieve anything, and thinking I will get hurt.

They talk about ideal life. That we should visual what our ideal life is. Like what you ideal job, ideal house, ideal relationship, ideal financial situation. Things like that. I can't see anything, I don't know what I want to do. Load of people always saying I can't do that because I am dumb, or that I am unable to and that I will get hurt from disappointment.

I know I have to have something to strife for, but I know I will get hurt in so many ways, and I don't want to get hurt. As I been hurting my whole life. That if I get hurt one more time I won't be able to stand up again. That would be it with life for me. I am so broken on the inside it really scaring. I been, and still am going though things that nobody should go through. Yet I have, and I feel like nobody care for me.

They always say it's in the past, try and get consoling. Go on a walk, get a job. I wish it was that easy. Like what if I get consoling, walking there and back and have a full time job. Maybe instead of feeling better I get more sad, angry. What if the job is stressing me out, and that don't matter how much I work I have no social life.

I would love a job, but I feel like I going to aim to high and set myself for getting hurt. Due to this I getting me two crisis skylight Coach. One is like a progression couch they will help me see what steps I need to take to reach my goals and help me realise what my goals are in the first place and the second one is more the practical. How can we do these? They will follow me on the journey.

Anyway got to go

Zanny xx