Just random talking

Hi everybody. I thought that today I won't be talking about social anxiety. As it such a big issue in today society that I need to be mentally ready to go public about it. As today people are so hard on people and there are people who will take it out on me for having social anxiety and Depression and I feel like I need to be in a stable mind frame, to be able to stand against them.

Now I was out with a friend this afternoon and we went to the crucible cafe. We had a lovely chat. Then we went to sit in the Peace garden to sit and people watch. We had fun, talking about how you can create characters based on people you watch. To how children are so brave, they are not scared to try new things and not scared to ask question.

Then we talked about weddings as there was a group of people who we believed just been to a wedding, all because they all love very lovely. Had amazing suites on, beautiful day dresses on.

 Now the last wedding I been to was my mum and step dad (David)  wedding about 6 years ago. Now it not like I been declining wedding invitation. I just haven't been invented to any. Now this isn't a plea to send me a invitation. It got me thinking, who are my closest friends. The ones who would love to see me at their wedding. Then again who I know will come to mine. (Nobody love me enough to even date me. So nobody would marry me.)

The answer is I am not close to anybody in a sense I would invite to wedding. Now here the reason, I don't think anybody would want to come. Also I feel like nobody want me at their big day.  I have friends, but I can't help but feel like nobody want to get close to me then I see you next Sunday at church sort of friends. So there not anybody I feel I have to have at my wedding cause I not close to, or feel like they really care for me.

Anyway goodnight everybody.

Love you

Zanny xx

Longest post ever. (For me it is)

Hi everybody. Now I hope you are all well? I know it been a while since I posted a god soild post on here and I am really sorry about. There been a lot on my mind these past couple of month especially this month. It been hard for to to find connection with people this summer due to my social anxiety, but that for another post. Which I might talk about it more tomorrow, because I never really talked about my social anxiety just my depression. Anyway back to my blog.

I know this is late but I can't believe that I been writing a blog for over a year. It was a shock when on my Facebook memories that it been a year since I started writing my blogs. Now it been a rocky journey, and been thinking of quitting on several occasions, due to stress, self esteem and not knowing what to write.

However I kept on writing and even though I still struggle. Like I struggled with my self-esteem, thinking my blogs are the worst and that I should give up, my stress level are high due to not knowing when I am moving. Then writers block. It wasn't till I started writing, to know what I going to talk about. I made notes before hand to keep me on track.

The highlight of writing the blogs are that when I have a bad day or a good day with my mental health. I have something to look forward. It something when I have a bad day it makes me get out and do something, or even research something to talk about.

It helped people understand who I am as a person and help me understand who I am. I know that journey is still ongoing, but due to this blog, it made me understand that I am brave, strong, caring, loyal and a fighter.

Enough of my blog. I can't believe that we near the end of August. How can this be possible? That means summer is over. Boo. It been a good summer in terms of, it been the best summer I ever had. I been to the Everybody Talking about Jamie Live Screening here in Sheffield. Where I had a lovely hug from Margaret and Jamie Campbell. Jamie's story is the inspiration of the west end hit.

I also went to my first Pride. It was amazing, I had so much fun with another Newbie fan and the Jamie gang. It was lovely to spend hours with Jamie, Margaret, Blake and Jonathan Butterell and having a ball. We just dance, got shocked, typical, and had loads of laughs with everybody.

Finally what I am looking forward the next couple of months. Well first off I looking forward to the colder months. It been too hot for me. I'm not made for the hotter weather. It has been nice but I want it when I go on hoildays not 24/7.

 With the colour changing to reds, yellow, orange and browns, it like one of my favorite sessions. Autumn is just a beautiful session for me. It just fills me up with joy. I love the sounds of the leafs under my shoe's. It relaxing for me.

Also October 2nd I going to the Press night of Midsummer Night Dream at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield. Now this play I've been obsessed with since I was like 10/11 years old. I fall in love in love with it when we had to do it at my school, at my year 6 end of school play. Now the music been composed by none other then Dan Gillespie Sells. Who I was introduced to about the same age when an amateur theatre production company, preformed the feeling hit song, never been lonely in a production of Cinderella at my primary school theatre. So it like a win, win for me.

Anyway I been going on for a while now.

So goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Christopher Robin and wish list

Hi all. So today been a good day, went to the cinema and watched the Christopher Robin film, starring Ewan McGregor. Now I am not embressed to say I went alone.

The reason I say that is because I loved Winnie the Pooh when I was little. I just loved Winnie, Tigger, piglet, rabbit, Kanga, Roo and Eeyore. As well as Christopher Robin. That was my childhood.

On top of that I love Ewan McGregor from about 6 years old watching Moulin Rouge. I know it a 12, but my mum didn't want to hide things of the world to me. So I grown up watching that movie and falling in love with Ewan McGregor.

So to see Winnie and Ewan on the big screen. I just couldn't be happier.

Anyway these past couple of days I've been on Amazon and been sorting my Borthday/Christmas wish list. It pretty much done, but I will be always be adding onto it an changing it. But for now it is done and have a good selection of stuff on it. Like I won't mind anything that not on the list, if the person buying it thinks I will like it of course, or if there a meaning behind it.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Hi

Yesterday I had fun, I went to church and was on the board cast team. It was a good service, being round my friends, and doing what I love.

Afterwards I went home and chilled and watched the new baywatch movie with Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron. Very cheesy, but I love cheesy movie.

Today been à really relaxed day, due to it being a bank hoildays. So I been sitting in my room doing nothing. So yeah it been pretty boring. I been listening to music , dancing and singing along. As it always cheers me up.

Anyway last night I thought of a dream that I can scarpbook. Visit New York. Now at the moment I know it not realistic, but in like 15/20 years maybe. There a reason, when I went to Groby community college, I was in the house New York, New York. When I started, the number one hit in the UK was Empire state of Mind. Second I always wanted to see a broad way show. The last reason, there a café in New York somewhere called Zanny's café and bi just want to visit it because we share the same name.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Scap book

So these past two days I mainly been sleeping. Only because I mainly been living off 4 or 5 hours sleep due to stress levels. So I been trying to forces on getting sleep due to me being at Church tomorrow, and I want to be refresh as I possible can, without the need of caffeine.

Today is the 2nd day of the 30 day track book. This is a tiny booklet, which was handed out at the goals course. One section which we told we were to do was the 30 day challenge. Well today is the second day.

On the second day we was meant to buy a scrapbook. I don't have the money for a scrapbook, but there coloured paper, scissors and ribbons around the building. Like it not me, it doesn't make me want to look at it. Yet it going to be filled with things to do with goals in life. What have I do. My goals is to give up on goals, that one of them. Like I don't have a printer, don't have access to a printer. They kept on saying newspaper and magazines. If I Santo read the news I read online. Pictures I can't print off.

So yeah that my day.

Zanny xx

Hi

So today was the last Goals Session, so a total of 18 hours sitting in one room over three days talking about self-esteem and setting goals and how to reach them.

For me at the moment I have such low esteem, I am scared of setting goals, to the point I can't set them due to believing that I can't achieve anything, and thinking I will get hurt.

They talk about ideal life. That we should visual what our ideal life is. Like what you ideal job, ideal house, ideal relationship, ideal financial situation. Things like that. I can't see anything, I don't know what I want to do. Load of people always saying I can't do that because I am dumb, or that I am unable to and that I will get hurt from disappointment.

I know I have to have something to strife for, but I know I will get hurt in so many ways, and I don't want to get hurt. As I been hurting my whole life. That if I get hurt one more time I won't be able to stand up again. That would be it with life for me. I am so broken on the inside it really scaring. I been, and still am going though things that nobody should go through. Yet I have, and I feel like nobody care for me.

They always say it's in the past, try and get consoling. Go on a walk, get a job. I wish it was that easy. Like what if I get consoling, walking there and back and have a full time job. Maybe instead of feeling better I get more sad, angry. What if the job is stressing me out, and that don't matter how much I work I have no social life.

I would love a job, but I feel like I going to aim to high and set myself for getting hurt. Due to this I getting me two crisis skylight Coach. One is like a progression couch they will help me see what steps I need to take to reach my goals and help me realise what my goals are in the first place and the second one is more the practical. How can we do these? They will follow me on the journey.

Anyway got to go

Zanny xx

Goals and Pies

So today was the first Goals course session. I didn't know what to expect, what it was about, or why it would benefit me. The only thing I was told, was that it over the next three days, the place and time, who it was run by and that it would be beneficial. So I thought I go open minded and see what it about.

So I went, and today we talked about, what is being successful in life, and what it can bring. This cover, love, high self-esteem, friendship, family to what media idea of success. This include, parties, popularity, premiere, nice cars, nice house, fashion. We was reminded that these would be nice, the self-esteem, friends and family are the most important.

Self-esteem was mentioned a lot today and talked about how you can do it. The course tutors said we know how to get but now what shopping us from achieving the self-esteem that we deserve. What stopping us from being successful. We didn't leave a white bit in sight we coved it. Most of it was like we can't afford it, don't know how, to like Dyslexia, to feeling like a failure, fat, feeling like other people who better then one self. All of which I did put.

They asked all of us say what the ideal job. I should say I wanted to work in film industry and not be scared to say it in the front of the group. I got laughed last time I said it in a group. I told staff when it was a brack that I wanted to work on film industry, but it hard because I am not a runner, and I don't have contact in the industry. They say just said you need qualification, I told I got a level 3 in Media Production.

Than after self-esteem was done we talked about responsibility, and that we are responsible for own action. Which is common sense really. They say it OK to ask for help along your journey to happiness, and towards you goals, just as long as they don't do all the work.

Today I made a pie from fresh for dinner, which was fun and interesting. I always been scared of making a pie. However the staff was doing a cook and eat session, I thought I might as well try. We did have a choice of Pizza, Pie or Lasagne. I picked pie, because I made Pizza from Fresh last wensday and we making Lasagne tomorrow so Pie was the only option.

Here the result.

I was super happy with the result.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

people

Hi everybody. So today I started writing a Birthday and Christmas wish list. I know !y birthday and Christmas isn't to December, I thought if I did my wish list soon even though it isn't finish, at least when it come closer to the time I don't have to think on the spot when people ask me what I want for it.

Around December I will be apart of Crisis skylight Christmas Concert. Now singers, Musicians, fans of musics, they still love some song suggestions, it doesn't have to be Christmas songs, it have to be inspirational, also songs that we can easily get backing tracks or music sheet let me know. Also if you play like piano (Somebody I know.) If you free we would love you to be apart, they won't be able to pay you money as it is a charity, but it be very grateful. It be looking to be around 13th December, I have to confirm but I think it is.

Tomorrow I start doing this course though Crisis skylight, it called Goals. Like it about finding out want you want in life and how to get there. Like I know I want to work in film industry, I know how to get there. It just problems at the moment. I think it about other things apart from jobs.

I want to say, just because somebody done something for you, doesn't mean I have to do it for you. I not going to text a random guy number who I NEVER MAT BEFORE just to tell him to ring them. Like come on I don't know this person. I'm not putting myself in danger cause of you. Also just because somebody doesn't mind calling somebody, something, doesn't mean I won't mind. I keep on telling my name what I like to be called and I want to be called that and only that.

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Power of writing

For most of the day o tried to thing to write about something to cheer me up. Like most of the time writing things day allow to express my feeling where the spoken word have failed me.

The past 2 weeks the power of writing though other means and singing have helped me more then police can mentally. As writing and singing help me to forget my trouble through art. I know I am not perfect, beautiful or smart, and I face the fact.

But I know I am strong, I am a fighter, I know I am knockout but I will stand up again. It just going to take son time till I will be able to stand on my own two feet on my own.

I can be strong and I will fight for what I believe in and that people doesn't matter what they look like, where they are from, how they talk, gender, sexual orientation, or skin colour, we all living on th planet and we should be able to share it.  We all different and we need to face it.

People think cause the way I look, I'm stupid, that I am going to take longer to understand simplest of things. I was reading thick encyclopedia which was a hafty book when I was 9 or 10 years old. I knew Roman numeral from a young age, as well as a lot of Greek and roman Gods. It something I really enjoyed and still enjoy. But people forget that because of my face.

Anyway got to go

Goodnight

Hi

I am totally dreading tomorrow and walking to Church tomorrow. As it's going to be 2 weeks tomorrow since what happened. To know the man is released, even if he under investigation, doesn't mean I am safe. What he done to me, it just not fair how people like him are allowed to walk around. He sexual harassed me.

Like I didn't feel insecure about myself as it. They are classing as sexual assault, and yet I feel like the police are not caring. I know they have to get evidence but there isn't much evidence apart from my word and the staff at the Hilton hotel health Club. If they will give their words when he followed me inside.

But the thing is doesn't matter how much evidence they get because they can't really collect and store how the crime affect me mentally. Like since the events I haven't seen any police. To see how I'm doing.

I am trying to go outside, but it doesn't help the amount of times I hate being outside. I feel like everybody judge me. Like I can't go one day without the fear of seeing his face. I know it highly unlikely that I will see him again, but the amount of times I seen people I know in town. There still a chance.

I am still fighting, to be myself, without jumping everybody touch me on my back or on the shoulder. I know it stupid, in the way I am thinking, he can't touch me, he can't come near me. I just can't control it and that what annoying me. That I have no life, like I am living in fear. But I don't want to.

I feel like I am facing this alone.

Anyway got to go

Zanny xx

Omgosh

Sorry for the long wait between this post and the last. Something happened on Sunday 5th while walking to Church at 8:30am. All I can say just because it is light and in the morning, walking down a main road doesn't mean your safe. You don't know who also walking around.

I hate that we live in 2018 and yet people can do what ever they want to just because they are a man. I know what happened to can happen to men as well but it doesn't happen as much. I won't go into detail what happened the most important people know. Like police, staff where I live at and couple of close friends and family know.

Know knowing that he been released under investigation. Makes!me worried as apart from friends looking out for me. I have no form of protection. I know it highly unlikely that I will see him again, and that he probably won't remember. The memory there for me. The fear still there. Not knowing if he pops round the corner any moment.

I know this isn't the most uplifting blog out there or any good but I just need to release my feeling. He made my feel like I am worthless, trash. That I am not meant for this planet. He made me feel so week and scared. I was shaken all day. I feel like I am going to be sick through shock. I just want this to end.

Amazing day

Wow what a day had so much fun. Today was the day of the Newbie meet up. Which I stayed to 1:55pm as I was meeting couple of friends to go bowling. I wished I could stayed longer because it was great to see everybody.

Then me and 3 of my friends, Jess, Dom and Josh who I all know from Hope City Church went to Hollywood bowls where we spent about fours hours there. We played two games of bowling. I won the first game then came 2nd in the 2nd game. Had a meal, which I had a LA Burger. Which was lovely, then we had couple of goes in arcade games and couple of fun pictures in a photo booth.

Then we left Hollywood bowls at 6:20ish to go to a Charity event for the last hour. It a charity called Gambling for life, and this was set up for people that is feeling suicidal through the trouble with Gambling. It is sad that people get in that situation with gambling or any other addiction where they feel like the only way they can stop or get out of it is through ending their life. This is what this charity was for.

I got home about 8:45pm and I been out since 11:30am it was a fun filled day surrounded by amazing people who when I hang out with just make me laugh. I couldn't stop smiling all day. Thank all who made my day amazing.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx

Jambo

I know I haven't been posting every single day, the main reason. I don't want to bore you with posting the same thing every time. I rather have one single post once in a while, then several post terrible post every single day. If I do post like one after another then I will do of if I feel what I did on that day is worth posting. The other reason if I feel like what I need to say is not worth the wait. That the only.

First of I am sorry if i mix up some words or say some odd things. Past week I been mixing up my words, can't think words or just been stumbling over the most simplest of words.

First of if you a Everybody Talking about Jamie Fan (Newbie) on Saturday there is a meet up at the Crucible Corner on Saturday at 1pm follow by going to the showroom to see a screening of the show at 4pm if you want to go to the screen you have to book your own cinema ticket's. It a great chance to meet up with other Newbies and have a lovely time.

Next Thursday to Sunday I will be going down to Leicester to see couple of my friends from my home city and going to my home Church as well. Which I just can't wait because with the move and my current move, it a much needed rest from all the stress. So it be lovely to see everybody down in Leicester.

Anyway I went to see Mamma Mia: Here we go again on Tuesday, and omg. I just loved every second, I know the storyline wasn't clear, but it was there, and the singing was patchy and the acting questionable, that why I love it, because it not great. I went because of the feel good factor and the laugh which it brought. Plus the young Bill, Sam and Harry, what more can I say....

Anyway got to go.

Goodnight everybody

Love you

Zanny xx